Design a site like this with
Get started

Episode 20: The 2nd Boon

Arlo finds himself cornered by Kaladan in regards to his true identity. How will he manage to get himself out of this one and find the Friday Night Fun Pals?


The 2nd Boon

[[Intro music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED!  Our DnD let’s play podcast featuring myself, your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman!  And as always I am joined by my fellow players!”

[Caitie]:  “Hi guys I’m Caitie and I play the grumpy but glorious Saithe!”

[Christina]:  “Hey everyone! I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “And I’m Drew McClain and by Bahamut’s sickass skatepark, I play the good doctor, Arlo Agon.”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Caitie]:  Chuckling  “What??”

[Jordan]:  Amused  “Oh my god he’s a fucking property dealer now!  He’s really expanding out.”

[Drew]:  “I’m gonna build an entire network of business ventures that just Bahamut is involved in and he’s gonna be a fucking realtor.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god…”

[Jordan]:  “Didn’t he have a cabana or some shit last time?”

[Caitie]:  “Foyer.”

[Jordan]:  “Foyer!” 

[Drew]:  “Foyer!  Wait did I go foyer?  He had a foyer I guess.”

[Jordan]:  “No he definitely had- that sounds familiar he definitely had a foyer.”

[Caitie]:  “It’s not pronounced ‘fo-yay’ the word is not even French!  You say the ‘r’.”

[Jordan]:  “No, you and everyone else who wants to say it correctly says the ‘r’.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god.” 

[Drew]:  “What you guys pronounce the ‘r’ in fo-yay?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes you’re supposed to, it’s not a French word.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah but ‘fo-yay’ sounds better than foyer.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s why you-”

[Drew]:  “Would you like to come to the foyer?” 

[Caitie]:  “Oh god… Alright, give…give us the backstory JRo!”

[Drew]:  Snickers “…jro…”

[Jordan]:  “If you ever-”

[Drew]:  “JRo?!”

[Jordan]:  “-call me that again.”

[Caitie]:  “I have beencallingyouthatsincehighschoolshutthefuckupanddealwithit.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “And I have been avidly rejecting it since high school.  You smug bitch.”

[Drew]:  “Your newest kpop star JRo, with his song ‘Love me Love me HEART…”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Take it away JRo!”

[Jordan]:  “Drew I’d like to remind you that we are not starting off with good terms for you so maybe be careful whose side you pick in this battle.  Anyway, let’s do this recap.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes queen.”

[Jordan]:  “Last time, the Agents arrived in the capital city of Djerad Thymar for their next mission.  Upon arriving, the group was introduced to Kaladan, a member of the city guard, and Arlo’s friend from his days in training.  Kaladan brought the Agents to the town of Ruinspoke, a nearby military training base outpost and demon refugee town which would serve as their default base of operations during their mission.  Upon arriving, they were introduced to Kane, a psoglay, that served as the drill sergeant.  Kane was struggling to motivate his new recruits so Kaladan suggested the Agents take ‘The Trial of Shadows’ to show what fully formed government operatives could do.  Despite initially recoiling in fear from his past attempts at the trial, Arlo and the others handily dispatched the shadow demons and passed the trial.  After being led to their room, they received an invitation from a starfish flying at mach speeds into Saithe’s gob to Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern. Unable to pass up on their favorite eatery, the Agents went down to the sea hag’s restaurant for a night of food and fun.  While there, Arlo got to reunite with Sweety Puffy Boy, or SPB, the bipedal pufferfish that had given him an invite back in Silverymoon.  However, for the first time not everyone enjoyed their meals- as Arlo barely managed to choke down his drink, while Winterra found her Suna to be turprisingly revolting.  After their dinner, Kaladan asked to speak with Arlo privately.  Kaladan revealed that he actually knew it was Arlo in disguise, telling the clerical dragonborn-”

[Kal]:  “We need to talk.”

[Jordan]:  “And thus we resume our tale!”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo, you are still behind Big Bettys.  You are- for all intents and purposes, still disguised as Sal.  However, Kal has just revealed that he knows it is you.  Within the same breath as saying we need to talk he then says-”

[Kal]:  “What the hell do you think you’re doin’ here man?!  You know you can’t be out here doin’ like- …this!!”    

[Arlo]:  “Hey- hey, listen! Okay? I’ve got this dope ass disguise, and like, no one else is gonna notice that it’s me.  You figurin’ it out is just some fluke accident.”

[Kal]:  “Mhm.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean, you figured it out, and also like a bunch of people on base, and everyone I’ve really been hanging out with the last couple of months… this might be a bad plan, but!  It’s the plan we’ve got.”

[Kal]:  “Well, Arlo.  Would you like to know how I figured out it was you?”

[Arlo]:  “Mmmm…best friends intuition?”

[Kal]:  “Yeah, naw.  Not so much. So.  You had three big tells that let me know it was you.  First of all, there was that nice little weird magical guardian thing you did where you summoned of all frikkin people, dragonborn music star Ronnie Flash. Like, c’mon man, only the fire dragonborn listen to that, which means gold dragonborn, and brass dragonborn. Ain’t no way, no red dragonborn would ever listen to that.  They’re all into their weird modern things, their Skrallix and whatnot that stu- they ain’t into the good music, so that was- that was a big flupe on your end.”

[Arlo]:  “You don’t- I mean you don’t know that!  Plenty of Red Dragonborns probably listen to Ronnie Flash- guy’s an icon!”

[Jordan]:  “He gives you a look that you know deep down in your soul is not true.”

[Arlo]:  “…yeah.”

[Kal]:  “Second thing you messed up on, was actually something that you said to yourself while you were still in the middle of your little Trial of Shadows, where you said- ‘Oh it’s just like goin’ back to kindergarten.  Well alright, you used that ridiculous accent that you were using, which, by the way not the best I’ve ever heard but we’ll get to that.”

[Sal]:  “What?  My, my accent is impeccable.”

[Kal]:  “Oh for the love of god stop it.”

[Sal]:  “This is a very convincing accent.”

[Kal]:  “Right right, we’ll see-”

[Sal]:  “I am a master manipulator now this is-”

[Kal]:  “Would you like me to tell Kane?”

[Arlo]:  “No…”

[Kal]:  “Thank you.  Now, here’s why you sayin’ that that was like kindergarten was not the smartest move on your part. ‘Cause you had told me, that you had “no military background experience”, which, if that were true you wouldn’t have known what the Trial of Shadows was all about now would you?”

[Arlo]:  “I coulda read about it or something…”

[Kal]:  “Oh yeah, the one guy that can do that thing you read in an article about, mhm.  Well, that all just kind of led me to know that you was lying about being a red dragonborn.  The last thing was what let me know who you really were.”

[Jordan]:  “And he points to your waist.”

[Kal]:  “Now I can name, based on one hand who carry any sort of weaponry with the Agon family symbol on it.  And you don’t strike me as any of the other ones.”

[Arlo]:  “In hindsight I probably shoulda clocked that a bit earlier.”

[Kal]:  “Yeah probably should’ve wrapped that up in cloth or somethin’.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah I’m just gonna go ahead and-”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo takes the bag of holding, and he takes the hammer and he just tosses it up in there.”

[Kal]:  “A day late and a dollar short my friend.  Now that little mystery’s been unpacked…you have to realize the situation this puts me in now.  ‘Cause there’s a lotta things that can get someone court marshalled and otherwise destroy their careers in the dragonborn military.  And number on at that list is defyin’ Kammodra.  And if she finds out, that you’re here, what you’re doing, and I knew about that…that’s career suicide man!”

[Arlo]:  “Well she ain’t gonna find out, ‘cause as you’ve pointed out, there were only three tells, and now we’re gonna correct ‘em. So thank you very much for your assistance in this matter my friend, we have an investigation to take part in.”

[Kal]:  “Unfortunately, those three were how I figured it out.  Now that I know, there’s a fourth loose end that you’ve gotta tie up.”

[Arlo]:  “And what pray tell might that be?”

[Kal]:  “How you’re gonna earn my silence.”

[Jordan]:  “And he walks up to you, and puts a hand on your shoulder and says-”

[Kal]:  “Now.  It has been quite some time since I have seen you.  No speaking stone calls, no letters, not even a postcard from wherever in tarnation DAMNED HQ is.  So here, is how you’re gonna earn. my. Silence.  Dr. Arlo Agon.”    

[Jordan]:  “And you feel a bump against your stomach.  So you look down and see that he is holding an alchemy jug.  And as you look up you see that same trickster smirk, that same mischievous grin he has always had.”

[Kal]:  “You, are gonna help me down what I believe this thing can do is four metric gallons of beer.  And tell me what the fuck you’ve been up to brother.”

[Caitie]:  “Awwwwwww!”

[Christina]:  Anxiously laughs before also joining in “Awwww!  That’s so cute!”   

[Arlo]:  “Kal – mother fucking- derra. You’re on.”

[Kal]:  “Haa!  Good to see you’ve ain’t changed man.”

[Jordan]:  “He sits down- I assume you join him?”

[Drew]:  “Of course.”

[Jordan]:  “And you two just kind of keep drinking straight from this jug, which again – four gallons of beer between the two of you guys so you’re good for a bit.”

[Drew]:  “I imagine they’re playing this dragonborn drinking game that they played in military school or what have you where it’s like bloody knuckles but instead they just slap you in the face and if you flinch you have to drink.”

[Jordan]:  Laughs “God dammit.”

[Drew]:  “And of course as you get drunker you get worse at it.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah.  Oh fuck.”

[Caitie]:  “What would be even funnier is if you blew fire in each other’s faces.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean you are both fire based dragonborn.”

[Drew]:  “I mean he’s only fire resistant, I’m fireproof so that’s hilarious.”

[Jordan]:  “He doesn’t know that.”

[Drew]:  Laughs “I would like to change my answer to that.”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, you do that and mop the fucking floor with him.  You don’t even need to roll for that shit.  There’s no contest.”

[Drew]:  “During the drinking game can it be like Arlo’s like gloating like-”

[Arlo]:  “C’mon man I thought you had more fire in your belly than that, I barely feel anything!  It’s like tickling.”

[Kal]:  Drunk “Shut the fuck up you…you…fuck!”

[Arlo]:  Snickers “C’mon!”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys do this and as you drink the night away recounting the events that led you to where you are; he does the same for you, pretty standard stuff, Arlo you start to reminisce about the last time you had a nice relaxing drink in Tymanther. And it takes you back to the night before your first real mission. This was both the most exciting and horrifying night of your life because you were so anxious to finally get to show exactly what you could do.  Despite your connections to the military and being one of the top students amongst your grade at the military academy; because you had chosen the medical field you weren’t really chosen for the frontline missions that you would imagine you would be.  You’d largely been relegated to the rear guard and helping bring the “real soldiers” back up to stuff and be able to go back out there and fight fights.  But now you had finally gotten the opportunity you had wanted. You are going to be one of two, or rather you’re going to be part of two scouting parties.  One of which was going to take an eastern route, the other a western route in order to cure a successful path towards a troll encampment which was the current adversary that the empire was facing off against.  And again you had been used to rear guard at this point you weren’t used to that so you were having yourself a drink trying to get yourself ready for your first mission.  And as you’re trying to down your liquid courage you feel a strong pat on your back and you look up and you see a red smiling face looking down at you.”

[Jacob]: “I was wondering where I might find you.  It is good to see that you are preparing for the day ahead.  How are you feeling, my boy?”

[Arlo]:  “Well, you know how we Agon boys are. I’m always ready for a fight. Not nervous in the slightest, nope.”

[Jacob]:  “Right, that’s why your hand is shaking, yes?”

[Arlo]:  “Yes, um, that is – that is unrelated.  I hit it on a bench…”

[Jacob]:  “Ah, you don’t need to be brave in front of me.  It is all right.”

[Jordan]:  “And in case it wasn’t super obvious yet, this is Jacob Long.  Your father.  You knew that he was going to be a member of the other scouting party that was to head off in the opposite direction of you, and you were both supposed to secure your own routes.  Basically make sure that you could flank through to the front truly showing exactly how much I know about military tactics.”

[Jacob]:  “You know it is okay to be nervous.  Truth be told, I was nervous the first time I went into battle as well.  And though she will never admit it, so too was your mother.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright dad, I’ll believe a lot of crazy things but I will never ever believe that mom has been nervous about anything. That woman is made of stone damn near.”

[Jacob]:  “That is true, but even the hardest of diamonds are only formed after the right amount of pressure is applied.  She was not always the hardened warrior that she is now.  And back when I first met her, admittedly she was quite strong, quite a formidable woman, but still, not quite at the level of the flaming dynamo that she is known as now.  It wasn’t until the decisive battle of the Second Giant’s War that she truly earned her stripes and became the legend she is now.  Before then, well…”

[Jordan]:  “And he leans in real real close as if he doesn’t want anyone else to hear-”

[Jacob]:  “She’ll never admit it but she would often come to me for solace fearing that maybe she might let down her great legacy.  I found it kind of funny.”

[Arlo]:  “I gotta be real with you dad it’s hard to imagine mom being scared of anything but honestly just to know that if even someone like her could be worried about going into battle, that makes me feel a lot better.”

[Jacob]:  “There is no such thing as a warrior who knows no fear, Arlo.  You will always have fear, what is important is you do not let it dictate your actions but rather that you face your fear.  Still be willing to dive in headlong. And I am sure after this you will have great stories to tell.  So if it helps to ease your nerves a little bit-”

[Jordan]:  “And he holds his drink to you.”

[Jacob]:  “-a toast. And a promise when the mission is over and the troll is bested we’ll meet again and tell each of our own stories. I would love to hear what you experience on the field of battle my son.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo raises up his glass and clinks it against his father’s and says-”

[Arlo]:  “I promise you dad, I promise you pa, I’m gonna make you proud.”

[Jacob]:  “I know you will Arlo.  You always have.”

[Jordan]:  “And you ended up spending the rest of the night drinking away with your father, looking forward to the great tales that ultimately he would never hear.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo, like after having this memory is kind of sitting there with his drink and you kind of see him like kind of stare off for a little bit, breathe in real deep just like-”  Deep sigh “- and like that’s the most you see out of him, but clearly something is affecting him.”

[Kal]:  Very drunk “Ah I see my fire is starting to get to you- ya-ya…fuck!”

[All chuckle]

[Arlo]:  “Yeah I reckon that last one might have almost gotten me but uh…you know you’re still way behind there buddy.” 

[Drew]:  “And he takes a big sip of his beer.”

[Kal]:  “I’ll get you-”

[Jordan]:  “And Kal passes out.”

[[Scene transition]]

[Jordan]:  “I assume that no one else had anything they wanted to do including the resident gals still chilling in Big Betty’s?” 

[Christina]:  “I mean do we notice if arlo is missing at this point or are we just kind of assuming they went off somewhere and we’re gonna meet up with him later?”

[Jordan]:  “Well Kal came over and asked for Arlo- or I guess at the time Sal specifically.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, I think we should probably go check on him.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.”

[Saithe]:  “I think we should go check on Arlo.  They’ve been gone a while.  It’s making me nervous.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra pushes away the partially eaten Suna and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah I can’t look at this thing anymore, we should probably go try to find Sal.”

[Jordan]:  “As you push it away you see it move.”

[Winterra]:  “Ugh…”

[Drew]:  “Gross. Also fuck you for the the Suna being ‘turprisingly’ whatever, like what the hell?”

[Jordan laughs]

[Drew]:  “I was like, I’m just gonna let that go and we’re gonna go into the episode, we’re gonna continue going, I can’t let it go, fuck you.”

[Jordan]:  “Ah, I’m too proud of that.  Anyway, Winterra and Saithe, you guys head around to the back and you see Arlo holding an alchemy jug, still filling itself with beer next to a highly unconscious and very loudly snoring Kal.”

[Saithe]:  “Ah there you are.”

[Drwe]:  “Yeah, Arlo disguised as Sal like just kind of picks his buddy up and kind of slings him up over his shoulder and kind of like you know doing that sort of helping walk your your drunk friend home type of walk that you see so often in movies and he’s like-”

[Sal]:  “Ah, hello there Saithe.  Uh, my friend Kal uh well we’ll talk more about it later but we should first get him back to his room.”

[Saithe]:  “That seems appropriate.”  

[Caitie]: And she goes around at the other side and takes his other arm and puts it around her own shoulder.”  

[Jordan]:  “So you guys take Kal back to his room, I assume you guys also in turn retire for the night.”

[Caitie]:  “Sure.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  “Along with the playing of the glockenspiel

[Jordan]:  “Of course playing the glockenspiel. Go ahead and roll the performance.”

[Drew]:  “And during that- actually like you know before we retire for the night I think everyone like we all kind of like you know we sit together in our room and Arlo like after like going over the fact that Kal was able to figure out who he was and pretty much like letting people like letting the team know he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “I’m gonna not use my hammer for this adventure until such a time that uh it is necessary.”

[Saithe]: “That might be a good idea.  It is, um…well sort of your calling card I would say.”

[Arlo]:  “Ah yeah, in hindsight it was pretty obvious I probably should have remembered that you know the family crest is uh right there on the uh the bottom of the handle there.”

[Saithe]:  “Well in your defense when you get to using something quite often, you kind of become accustomed to its details and forget the importance.”

[Arlo]: “Well I guess for me the importance doesn’t lie in the family mark and just uh who had it before. Honestly sometimes doesn’t even feel like it’s mine.”

[Jordan]:  “Well there goes my heart. Christina what’d you get?”

[Christina]:  Sheepishly  “A nat20.”

[Caitie]:  “God damn it!”

[Drew]:  “What in the fuck.”

[Jordan]:  “As you guys are having this emotional hammer talk you hear just the most beautiful glockenspiel tune serenading you in the background.”

[Christina]:  “So Winterra looks up from playing as Arlo says that- or as Saithe says that you forget the importance of it and then she looks back down at her glockenspiel and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “I think important items always kind of stay important, and you always sort of remember who they belong to.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes.  I’m not very good with words as I’m sure both of you have noticed.  I mean I have my very own-”

[Caitie]:  “And she pulls like a necklace out from under her armor.”

[Saithe]:  “It was my mother’s.”

[Arlo]:  “That does remind me, I think all three of us are about due for a talk.  I’m uh…I’m not even gonna lie, I’m not brave enough to go first but I think all of us have some baggage that we need to get off our chests.”

[Saithe]:  “You mean other than being attacked by a wild circus that murdered my best friend and cursed me to be always happy?”

[Arlo]:  “I mean yeah we talked about that but we still don’t know what’s going on with that, the whatever vision that Winterra had before.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh right, I never got to ask you if you were okay?”

[Christina]:  “Winterra takes a sharp intake of breath and looks off to the side after she’s done playing her glockenspiel.  And she looks back at them a little hesitantly and says-”

[Winterra]:  “So-”

[Christina]:  “And specifically she locks eyes with Arlo and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Are there a lot of fire breathers here in Tymanther Arlo?”

[Arlo]:  “Um, I’d say we make up about uh, maybe a fourth of the population so yeah.  That’s like- well and then if you factor in the demons that can breathe fire so probably more than that. I mean there’s not a lot but there’s some.”

[Winterra]:  “Cool… So… the image from Silverymoon was my other brother.  His name was Oliver.  When we were all young, there was a very bad forest fire.  It was devastating for the entire forest.  Lots of lives were lost.  And at first, we thought we would all be okay.”

[Christina]:  “And she kind of puts her hand to the back of her neck and you almost sort of see what looks like a scar where her neck meets her shoulder.”

[Winterra]:  “But me, and Eirwin made it. Oliver didn’t make it that winter.  Which is kind of why my family is the way we are.  Um, we…we sort of put everything into protecting the forest after that.  We had to.  Not just for ourselves but because everyone else needed to know that there was safety somewhere. It’s part of why I joined DAMNED really.  I…I couldn’t let people go unknowing that there’s not more of a force willing to stop things that can be prevented. And my brother, and my mom, and my dad do a great job back home.  But I know that home’s not the only place that there’s things like this that happen.”

[Saithe]:  “I can see why you were so upset with me for using that spell back then.”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah…”

[Saithe]:  “I’m genuinely sorry. I will be more careful in the future.”

[Winterra]:  “I appreciate it.”

[Christina]:  “She kind of looks down and she takes her hand and stops messing with her shoulder.  And she looks back at both of them a little hesitantly again and says-”

[Winterra]:  “I have a bit of another confession.  Um…in battle I can focus on a lot of things that aren’t fire.  But out of battle um… It really freaks me out, honestly it’s awful.  And if I’m ever different afterwards um, I don’t mean it personally.  It’s just who I am.”

[Arlo]:  “I understand.”

[Saithe]:  “I threaten to murder you both on a daily basis, I think I can forgive that much.”

[Winterra]:  Giggles “That’s fair.”

[Arlo]:  “I suppose it’s…I suppose it’s my turn.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo goes into the bag of holding and retrieves the hammer and out o there in private and kind of like runs his fingers over the grooves in it and kind of looks at it uh almost pensively.”

[Arlo]:  “During…during my first real combat mission. I- I had to make a choice.  I had to choose to follow orders and take a route that would bring me back to position faster, or to disobey orders and back up another squad that I had a gut feeling wouldn’t be okay.  The leader of that squad was my father Jacob Long.  From the reports he was a valiant hero, like he always was.  In fact he was the only casualty, the only reason his squad made it out alive is because he held everyone off.  But I didn’t go there to back him up.  I…I followed orders, I did what I was told without questioning.  And because of that I lost my father.  And my mother- it feels like she lost everything.  And uh, my mother Kammodra, she’s honestly you know, I love her, and she’s not the- you know she’s she’s not a mean woman but she is the single scariest being that I have ever encountered in my entire life, to the point where when sh- when she said that I don’t see combat anymore.  I didn’t see combat anymore after that.  She was not willing to risk me either.  But I wasn’t willing to just give up if my father died protecting people and I just cowered away and hid and let the world go on then that’s that’s a waste and that’s that’s not right. And I couldn’t do it but I also knew I couldn’t fight here.  The only place I could think of where I could fight the good fight and try to help people with the skills that I have was at DAMNED.  It was funny, my aunt gave me the idea by accident.  Just flow on one of her weird crazy rants.  But after I heard that I’d- I headed straight over, and that’s where you all met me on that boat, effectively running away from home.”

[Saithe]:  “You’re not alone in that aspect. I was um… I was eight years old and I was being married off to the leader of – well it’s a long story-”

[Arlo]:  “There’s more to your story!?”

[Saithe]:  “There’s a lot of my story yes!”

[Arlo]:  “Your story is already so complicated!”

[Saithe]:  “It’s fucked up.”

[Arlo]:  “There’s like multiple murders and intrigues and a magic circus!”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah…now you guys know why I don’t particularly like people.  So I [indistinguishable] bloody heads to a bounty hunter.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m sorry the- what was… what was the last part you said where you said all the things that you just said?!”

[Saithe]:  “I murdered my grandparents and sold their bodies to a bounty hunting guild.”

[Drew]:  “Out of character has Saithe told us like what her grandparents did yet?”

[Jordan]:  “I do not believe they have- also if this is your attempt to get back at me for all the times I broke your hearts I’m sorry.”

[All laugh]

[Drew]:  “Alright, so Arlo hears this and is like-”

[Arlo]:  “Alright, Saithe, I’m not going to uh sugarcoat it that is uh very worrisome and unsettling but I’’m still listening you’re still my friend and I believe that if you did that there had to have been a reason.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh god wow I really need to talk better, I’m not good at this kind of thing.  Okay, I’m starting over, uh… My parents were raised in a cult, and so was I, and when my parents had me they wanted to leave.  And when we did we were caught and because that’s treason in the eyes of the place where we were, they were subsequently, um, executed.  By my grandparents”

[Arlo]:  “WOW.”

[Winterra]:  “Huh.”

[Arlo]:  “That is…that’s heavy.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes it’s pretty fucked.  I mean don’t let this smile fool you, I am a very surly person, and the long story short I also ran away. As far away as I could get, and I mean homeless as a kid it’s it’s tough you know there’s a lot of fucked up shit that happens that includes the fucking magic circus shit, and I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming.  And I didn’t like the person I was on our first mission. And I like who I’m becoming with you.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo literally cries like a single tear, and then like starts to go in for a hug, and then stops and says-”

[Arlo]:  “Alright, so I’m gonna hug you. Do not stab me.”

[Caitie]:  “She opens her arms, she’s like-”

[Christina]:  “Winterra shifts so that she can give an actual bear hug.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh fuck you!”

[Drew]:  “Oh god.”

[Caitie]:  “Love it!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo’s jumping in it’s a three-way hug.”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you Christina for bringing that back so I don’t have to come back into the scene emotional.”

[Caitie]:  “This is the best.”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Drew]:  “And then there’s a small knife in arlo’s back and Saithe stabbed him after all ahhh! No-”

[Caitie]:  “And then he’s like, oh wait where’s my wallet?  Turns out it was Saithe’s dagger of thieves.”

[Saithe]:  “Sorry!  Force of habit!”

[Arlo]:  “I- y’know what, baby steps, we’ll chalk that one up as a learning experience and please give me back my wallet.”

[Caitie]:  Laughs “It’s not canon but it’s funny.”  


[Jordan]:  “Are we ready to call it a night now or are you fucks not done wrecking my own emotions as I have done to you?”

[Caitie]:  “All right, Saithe is ready to go to nightmare land.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah I think we’re all good.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys sleep questionably through the night.  As you guys kind of grapple with your own personal demons, some of you a little bit more literally than others.  And as morning comes you guys get ready, have your lead that there have been gnolls in the nearby Untheran Ruins. So, as of right now that does appear to be your best lead.  As you guys head out, you actually run into a heavily hung over Kal waiting for you guys at the entrance of the place you are staying at.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh hi Kal!! How’s your hangover!?”

[Kal]:  “Ugh…lord and biscuits please keep your voice down I am- my head is poundin’ something fierce.”

[Saithe]:  “I literally can’t!”

[Kal]:  “Then please don’t talk.”

[Saithe]:  “No promises!”

[Kal]:  “Oh Bahamut almighty…  Alrighty, so I know you guys got your whole thing you gotta do, find your friends or whatever the hell, um, but I actually got something that’s happening like downtown, er not not downtown but like-”

[Caitie/Saithe]:  singsong “Downtown!”

[Kal]:  “I said don’t talk please!” 

[Sal]:  “Come on Mr. Dara, I’m sure you can power through this.”

[Kal]:  “I’m trying please just let me talk… I- I got like a whole situation going on near the town square that like, if you guys are willing I could use a hand with, if not I’ll take y’all over to where the ruins are.  I can’t get Kane to help me he’s busy with like some shipment nonsense or so- I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying too much attention he’s busy so I can’t ask him for help.  It’s- it’s just this whole thing-”

[Saithe]:  “Just take us there my friend. We’ll do everything we can to help.”

[Kal]:  “Oh my gods you’re so loud.  Okay let’s go.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo claps a hand on his shoulder and like leans in and whispers in his regular voice-”

[Arlo]:  “You know the oath I took.  If there’s anything going on that could endanger the people of Tymanther- you don’t have to, you don’t even have to ask me to come I’m already there.”

[Kal]:  “Ugh- alright first of all, that’s what she said.  But secondly-”


[Kal]:  “-uh this ain’t necessarily like endangerment so much as it’s just like a disturbance, and I don’t know how to deal with it because it is something the likes of which I have never seen before.”

[Winterra]:  “What is it?”

[Kal]:  “Um, I-I think it’s like some weird animal but it also looks like just some some people in a costume I’m not fully sure-”

[Saithe]: “Why does this sound somewhat familiar?”

[Kal]:  “Why would the- what the hell do y’all do?”

[Sal]:  “We get up to a lot, it’s a weird job.”

[Kal]:  “Yeah, just- just follow me so I ain’t gotta hear none of your ridiculous accent.”

[Jordan]:  “So he takes you over to the town square, which is just past the military section which is mostly just a bunch of buildings and open ground with some training ground type areas.  So just think any sort of like we’ll say World War II past era military training area, that’s basically what you see, just more deserted.  And you eventually cross into what is more of the residential area which looks more like an old western town, complete with literal actual tumbleweeds that you guys see roll past

[Caitie]:  “Thanks I love it.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re welcome.  So you guys make your way into the town square and you see a large crowd and you hear this drum beat going on as you make your way through you can barely see it but you can see what looks like this four-legged creature sporting all this red and yellow fur like Kal said it almost looks like someone in a costume,  but at the same time it’s also a very intricately made one and it almost looks like a four-legged creature that is dancing and it is dancing along with the rhythm- which let me see if my inebriated self can figure this rhythm out because there is a set rhythm to it-”

[[Taps out a lion dance rhythm]]

[Drew]:  “Oh fuck you!”

[Christina]:  “I knew it, I knew it, I knew that it was gonna be from the start.”

[Drew]:  “You motherfucker.”

[Jordan]:  “You picked that up much faster than I thought you would.  But as you make your way over there you don’t see any legs underneath this thing but it is doing this wild energetic dance. It goes along in this whole thing, eventually going into its head, shooting up and you hear-” 

[[Phoenix Drumbeat]]

[Jordan]:  “-and it just kind of like shoots to either side and then does a weird rolling thing and then jumps over and shoots way back up and from underneath it you can see two kobolds and there is you can see off to the side a drum a set of cymbals and a gong that are magically playing themselves.  As well as a hat that people, mostly demons to be clear, are throwing gold coins into.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of looks over to Kal and is like-”

[Sal]:  “I mean this is definitely weird but it looks to just be some kind of street performance.”

[Kal]:  “I know, I know, but like it’s drawn everyone here, it’s like a huge like buildup of people and like it’s not- they did not get permission to do this, like I don’t know who they are and again like I this is technically not my jurisdiction, I’m technically supposed to be in the capital and I am also, admittedly by my own design, unbelievably hungover.  I’m surprised I’m standing right now honestly.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah you need something greasy and maybe some coffee.”

[Kal]:  “I was thinkin- I was thinking water personally but like I guess that also works.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah let me tell you, eating something greasy on a hangover- hash browns- gotta do it.”

[Sal]:  “And maybe the grease will help with your fire since it is so um, how do they say, weak sauce.”

[Kal]:  “Anyway can you guys help me out with this because this is kind of a whole thing and I was hoping y’all could help me out maybe as like a favor or something for me not saying certain things…”

[Jordan]:  “He says looking at you Arlo-”

[Sal]:  “Welp, let’s take care of this team!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh shit, actually hold up real quick, before this I almost forgot to mention I had a couple things I needed to like do some bookkeeping with you guys on real quick, I’m sorry, I forgot.  So for Arlo and Winterra since I have just recently acquired Explorer’s Guide to Wildmount which includes new spells that are not exclusively for your classes but can be uh here’s some new spells you guys can have to prepare if you so desire.  Arlo you have access to the level 1 spell Gift of Alacrity, the  level 2 spell Fortune’s Favor, and the level 3 spell Pulse Wave.  Winterra you have access to the level 1 spell Magnify Gravity, you also have the level 3 spell Pulse Wave, and the level 4 spell Gravity Sinkhole 

[Christina]:  Excited, immediately scheming and laughing “Oh okay.” 

[Jordan]:  “And Saithe, this is more just like a friendly advice thing, but-”

[Caitie]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]: “-but okay not necessarily before this but at the very least before you guys head off to the ruins, which I assume you will be doing, that would probably be a better time to use your boon if you so decide to use it as opposed to oh I don’t know, in the middle of a deadly fight where it may or may not help.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay I’ll use the boon.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, go ahead and roll that.  While they look over those spells.”

[Caitie]:  “14”

[Jordan]:  “Ah- oh my fuck!”

[Caitie]:  “Wh-what, what did I get??”

[Jordan]:  “So, Saithe.  Here is what you just rolled.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m so excited.”

[Jordan]:  “You should be, this one’s pretty wild.  You hear Asmodeus whisper in your head-”

[Asmodeus]:  “You have served me well.  For using my powers in such nefarious ways, I shall grant you a gift.  One soul, lost from this world may return to the material plane…”   

[Jordan]:  “And you get one, and only one free use of resurrection.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my god!”

[Caitie]:  “I’m sorry what.”

[Christina]:  “Holy shit.”

[Caitie]: “I’M SORRY WHAT”

[Drew]:  “Are you serious?”

[Caitie]: “HOLY SHIT.”

[Jordan]:  “You can take one dead humanoid and return them to life.  You do not have to do this right now.  But, when you feel the moment is right you may take- not unconscious, so like if you guys fall to zero hit points and you’re doing death saving throws that doesn’t count. But if you take someone who is dead dead, you may return them fully back to life.  Not undead, as good as they were from the day they died. I’m so glad you got this after that horrid trip down memory lane where all three of you mentioned you have at least one dead person in your life. So anyway, how do you deal with the fucks in the dancing costume?”

[Drew]:  I am a hundred percent sure that Saithe also does not tell anyone that she has this ability now.”

[Caitie]:  “It doesn’t seem like relevant information- yet.”

[Christina]:  Decompressing sigh “How does this work… you said there’s two kobolds?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah there’s two kobolds under the fucking thing.”

[Caitie]:  “I mean, I say we just- I mean we’re cops right?  And people know we’re here.”

[Drew]:  “We’re more like FBI cops, it’d be like if you were panhandling and and then the FBI showed up you’d be like I feel like this is excessive.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so I guess Winterra was going to look at Kal and be like -” 

[Winterra]:  “So do you need us to stop them or just break up the crowd?”

[Kal]:  “I mean either or really, like I feel like one leads to the other kind of no matter which way you slice it, just like, it’s kind of a disruptively large crowd, and again they did not, they very much did not get permission to do this.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so Winterra just kind of shrugs and I guess I will attempt to cast Hold Person on one of the kobolds?”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, the one in the front half of the costume or the one in the back half of the costume?”

[Drew]:  “Shouldn’t we try to talk to them first?”

[Jordan]: “No no, this is much better.”

[Christina]:  “I mean…”

[Caitie]:  “Like, if anything is excessive like that’s what I was gonna say I was just gonna say why don’t we just go into the crowd like we’re cops like why don’t we just go into the crowd be like okay guys break it up everyone needs to separate.”

[Christina]:  “I mean-”

[Caitie]:  “But I mean like Winterra just went straight for it like I’m going to cast hold person on them like just straight up-”

[Christina]:  “I mean he said we need to stop them!  Like I’m not gonna arrest them we just need them to stop. Like alright that’s enough.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah but like imagine if you were like speeding and then like you felt an explosion and then like your car like skidded out, you’re like oh what the fuck?  Oh we noticed you were speeding so we put out road spikes. You would be like, um I mean effective and I’m not hurt but also what the hell?”

[Caitie]:  “That’s serious but excessive.”

[Christina]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  Laughing  “So what do you guys do?”

[Drew]:  “I think I’m gonna I guess take point on this one and Arlo is gonna come up and, against disguised as Salazar Amander-”

[Sal]:  “All right everyone.  I know we are having a good time.  I am here as an operative of DAMNED-”

[Drew]:  “He shows his badge.”

[Sal]:  “This gathering is unsafe and the permitting has not been put in order.  So we will need you all to disperse and this can resume if the proper permitting is done later on.  But we will need everyone to disperse.”

[Jordan]:  “The crowd- roll persuasion, with advantage.”

[Drew]:  “That’s gonna be a 10 because I’m not charismatic.”

[Jordan]:  “No you’re not, fortunately that was just enough to pass.”

[Drew]: “Yay”

[Jordan]:  “You see the crowd begin to disperse out, and the two kobolds take off the giant, which I’ll just go ahead and remove the veil now- lion costume.”

[Drew]:  “Yep lion dance.”

[Jordan]:  “It is- it was fully a lion dance.  And like-”

[Kobold 1]:  “Hey come on, I feel like that, we’re just trying to make some living y’know?”

[Saithe]:  “We understand that and your act is actually very lovely however you do need to achieve the proper permit-ation in order to perform out in the street.”

[Kobold 1]:  “Mmmm….”

[Jordan]:  “And then you see the second one puts his hand on the shoulder of the first one and says-”

[Kobold 2]:  “No no it’s it’s okay, it’s okay.  They’re just doing their thing like they said, they’re with DAMNED.  So maybe we don’t want to y’know, upset them?  Maybe we keep doing our thing, maybe you think?”

[Kobold 1]:  “Yeah fine.”

[Saithe]:  “Thank you gentlemen.”

[Jordan]:  “And you see them start to pack up their stuff.”

[Drew]:  “Do we notice anything odd about them?”

[Jordan]:  “You mean besides the fact that they had self-playing instruments?”

[Drew]:  “I mean I dunno.  I thought this was like leading to something.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo go ahead and roll me a history check real quick.”

[Drew]:  “That’s gonna be a 12.”

[Jordan]:  “I will say that because of tales that you heard from your father growing up, that you are actually familiar with what these guys were doing.  And you would also be aware that people who do this particular form of performance are not typically weaklings but they’re actually trained fighters and are actually like they’re primarily kobolds but at the same time they’re usually much stronger than your average kobold and can definitely hold themselves over in a fight pretty well.”

[Drwe]:  “So I guess while they’re packing up Sal sidles up to them like-”

[Sal]:  So yeah again sorry that we had to shut everything down but your moves are pretty good out there.  Where do you guys practice that?”

[Jordan]:  “The second one that was in the back half of the costume speaks up-”

[Kobold 2]:  “Oh we’re actually from the- we originally hail from the north where the red dragon born are, we’re from that kingdom.  Or like, the outer reaches of it.  But we decided to take our act on the road and you know we may or may not have been you know… asked to leave by our teachers but y’know, what’s the- what’s a little bit of ancient traditions if you don’t update them!  I say outdated and so we decided to take our schtick on the road and just try and – look it’s a long story man, we just, we’re just trying to make a living here really.  We got some skills we figured maybe we could show ‘em off to some people and just I don’t know, make a name and living for ourselves.”  

[Sal]:  “Well I’ll tell you. If you make sure to go to the permitting office and pay the necessary fees and set up a safe perimeter, I can guarantee you I will be the first patron of your next act.”

[Jordan]:  “They both perk right up like-”

[Both Kobolds]:  “Really?! Well we will definitely be sure to do that.”

[Jordan]:  “And the second one holds out in his hand and says-”

[Kobold 2]:  “Well in that case I am Tel this is my partner Lee.  We are a dancing troupe and we look forward to your audience participation in our upcoming act.  Once of course we go through all the correct legal proceedings.”

[Sal]:  “And I am uh, Salazar Amander.  I am here on assignment but I can’t wait for your next show.”

[Jordan]:  “The first one pipes up-”

[Lee]:  “What kind of assignment?”

[Sal]:  “Ah…That is not for public information.”

[Lee]:  “Okay, okay,  Just saying y’know like if you need some, I don’t know extra muscle we could-”

[Jordan]:  “And you see him like trying to flex but because he’s a kobold there’s not really like much showing from it.”

[Lee]:  “We could maybe like offer our services in other ways, y’know what I’m saying?”

[Sal]:  “I will keep that in mind, perhaps we exchange speaking stone information but for the time being I do not have authorization to bring in any contractors.  

[Lee]:  “Eh, suit yourself.”

[Jordan]:  “So you do exchange numbers with Lee and Tel and Kal’s like-”

[Kal]:  “Ah…thanks guys. Uh, you ready to head on out?”

[Sal]:  “Yes, it seems as though our business here is concluded.”

[Kal]:  “Cool really appreciate that one uh…”

[Jordan]:  “And he leans in close to you Arlo-”

[Kal]:  “You know I wasn’t really gonna like actually do that right?  You know I was just fuckin with ya right?”

[Sal]:  “Mmmm….sure.”

[Kal]:  “All right, let’s go.”

[Jordan]:  “And he heads off towards, back towards the barracks side of things.  So as he guides you guys through the military district you come to the outer reaches of the town and across some stables where, and Winterra I apologize for this, you see a stable of Nightmares- flaming horses.”

[Christina]:  “Oh god…”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe looks visibly excited I mean she’s shaking and like bouncing up and down as though she’s about to go to Big Betty’s again.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo’s just covering Winterra’s eyes like-”

[Sal]:  “Oh there’s nothing to see here, they’re just regular horses.”

[Winterra]:  “What are you talking about, what-why are you covering my eyes?”

[Sal]:  “You can’t see the horses they are, they are naked.”

[Winterra]:  “Horses are always naked.  Unless they have a saddle on.  

[Christina]:  “And she tries to move his hands from her eyes.”

[Sal]:  “Nope, nope, see these are very- our horses are different here, they are very shy and they do not like to be seen naked do not be rude to the horses.”

[Winterra]:  “Well then why are you looking at them?”

[Kal]:  “Sal what in tarnation are you talking about man these Nightmares are not shy.”

[Sal]:  “Nope! There are no Nightmares here!  They are regular horses Kal.  

[Christina]:  “Does Winterra know what a Nightmare is? That it would be a flaming horse, does she know that?”

[Jordan]:  “Do a nature check for me, see if you’ve heard of these things.”

[Christina]:  “17”

[Jordan]:  “You know what a Nightmare is.”

[Winterra]:  Upset “Oh those why do those exist here?”

[Kal]:  “I mean it’s a demon refugee town I gue- I figure that makes sense.”

[Saithe]:  Excited “Can I approach them!?”

[Kal]:  “Well we’re going to be riding them out to the ruins-”

[Winterra]:  “Excuse me??”

[Kal]:  “- so yeah I’d say you can.  Well I mean unless you got a better way of getting out there.”

[Winterra]:  Uncomfortable chuckle “Yes.”

[Sal]:  “Man if only one of us had the ability to summon animals.”

[Saithe]:  “Or become one.”

[Kal]:  “Wait hold on, she a druid?”

[Sal]:  “No Kal she is not a druid she is just really good friends with every animal she’s ever met.”

[Saithe]:  “She’s basically a Disney princess.”

[Sal]:  “Come on Kal, keep up.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my gosh.”

[Kal]:  “I don’t know what this “Dis Nay” is but uh, Sal  you might want to watch your lip there pal.”

[Sal]:  “I mean you know about “dis-knee”, and you also know about “dat-knee” you have two knees.”

[Kal]:  “It’s feeling real loose right about now.”

[Christina]:  “So how many of us are there, four?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah there are a total of four of you guys and there are enough Nightmares in theory for all of you.”

[Winterra]:  “No.  I would prefer to not get near a literal flaming horse. So I can either summon some animals that we can all ride there together or I will just ride way far away from all of you.  By myself.”

[Kal]:  “I mean take your pick I guess.”

[Christina]:  “So anyway Winterra does the thing that she does where she spreads her hands like wings and on each hand goes the magic and on one hand comes Jockbird and the other one Birdie pops out.  She’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “We’re gonna fly there.”

[Jordan]:  “You see Kal just looking like-”

[Kal]:  “I think I’ll stick to the Nightmare thank you.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo is already doing an elaborate like secret handshake with Jockbird.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra looks at him challenging, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Are you afraid of flying?”

[Kal]:  “I mean the Nightmares can also fly like I just-”

[Winterra]:  “I just think you’re a chicken.”

[Kal]:  “You wanna race?”

[Christina]:  “Jockbird is literally doing squats and-” Laughs

[Jordan]:  “Wait wait, no no, hold on a second!  Bird squats??!”

[Christina]:  “Yeah!  He’s doing bird squats and like arm feathered curls.”

[Caitie]:  “Thank you for giving me fodder to animate.  

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[Drew]:  “Jockbird is like, ‘Oh you want to fucking go, you want to go!  Hold me back man, hold me back.’  Arlo’s like-”

[Sal]:  “It is not worth it, it is not worth it.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh it’s totally worth it.”

[Christina]: “And she’s already climbing on.”   

[Kal]:  “Alright.”

[Jordan]:  “And he hops on a Nightmare. Who all’s on Jockbird, who all’s on Birdie?”

[Drew]:  “Jockbird called it!”

[Christina]:  “You and I on Jockbird?”

[Saithe]:  “All right so I’ll take Birdie.”

[Jordan]:  “All right, so, you guys valiantly attempt to race against Kal on a Nightmare- however, as I explicitly stated five minutes ago, the Nightmare has a faster flying speed than the birds, so he wins.”

[Drew]:  “Wait, wait, wait.  What- what if-”

[Jordan]:  “Are you gonna waste a spell slot on this?!”

[Drew]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay do it.”

[Drew]: “What if instead he made me a Wisdom saving throw.”

[Jordan]: “It fails.”

[Drew]:  “I’m going to cast command and my command is going to be ‘Halt’”

[Jordan]:  “Alright cool, he doesn’t move.  What direction do you go?”

[Christina laughs realizing]

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.”

[Christina]:  “I mean does Arlo know where we are-”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah would Arlo not know where the ruins are?”

[Jordan]:  Reluctantly “Roll me history with advantage.”

[Drew]:  “That’s a 19”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah nope, you know where it is.”

[Drew]:  “So we fly by and like I fully in Arlo’s voice goes-”

[Arlo]:  “Oh tough luck Kal see you later!”

[Jordan]:  Malevolently “One second.” Rolls dice

[Christina]:  “Oh god why.  Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright so you guys make your way off.”

[Drew]:  “I regret my decision.  I heard the dice roll and I’m not comfortable.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make it over to the Ruins, after like a couple seconds Kale makes it over there, just kind of looking at you like almost like partially but hurt but also like a little bit disappointed.”

[Kal]:  “Really??”

[Arlo]:  “I – I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

[Kal]:  “I very clearly heard you say ‘halt’ like that wasn’t.  You weren’t subtle about it at all.”

[Sal]:  “I mean you know it’s it’s honestly like you know, it’s not our fault that the horse realized they couldn’t win against our kick-ass Jockbird friend.”

[Drew]:  “And he slaps Jockbird a high five.”

[Jordan]:  “Jockbird fully matches your high five and it is epic.”

[Kal]: “Yeah all right man, I mean I was just here to take you there so like good luck in there I guess.”

[Sal]:  “What are you chickening out of the fight too?”

[Kal]:  “I have other things I have to do. I was just meant to guide you guys.”

[Sal]:  “All right, fair enough.”

[Kal]:  “Or do you not think you can handle it on your own?”

[Sal]:  “I’ll handle your mom on my own.”

[Kal]:  “Hey you watch it she is a very kind lady and does not deserve your back sass.”

[Sal]:  “I’ll give her the back sass and the front sass.”

[Kal]:  “Okay okay, first of all please stop with that stupid accent we’re out in the middle of fuckin’ nowhere.  No one here is gonna know it’s fine Arlo, shit.”

[Sal]:  “I am a method actor, this is my art now.”

[Kal]:  “He’s your problem now, later assholes.”

[Jordan]:  “And Kal flies off.”

[Saithe]:  “Okay but in all seriousness please stop.  I beg.”

[Arlo]:  “Ah fine, that voice actually hurts my throat a lot.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh thank god!”

[Jordan]:  “All right, so you guys- how do you approach the ruins because you guys like there’s a singular entrance to the ruins most of it is underground so it’s essentially just like a stairway into the ruins leading down.”

[Caitie]:  “Stairway to heaven?”

[Jordan]:  “Except it goes down but sure.”  

[Drew]:  “So it’s more of a highway to hell.”

[Jordan]:  “Except they’re stairs.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna check for traps. 16”

[Jordan]:  “There are no traps.”

[Caitie]:  “Sweet.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way down and, as it takes you a little bit to get down there but you eventually see that the stairway is lit by torches.  It doesn’t start off that way but eventually there are torches lighting the way as it gets darker and darker.  As you reach the bottom of the stairwell you come across a large door it is already creeped open and what you see inside is a large room almost.  It looks almost like the hyenas den from lion king- the elephant graveyard if you will.  Like just a bunch of stones and the skeletal remains of various giant creatures make up the landscape of this dark desolate cave.  But there are also several knolls that you see along the various stone ways all facing one main gnoll who sits upon a throne made of bones.  The gnoll himself wields a large great axe that he holds off to one side,  and circling his head you see 12 stones roughly the size of a marble, each various shapes sizes and colors orbiting his head like the planets to the sun.  And you hear the gnolls chanting-”

[Gnolls]:  “Immor, Immor, Immor, Immor, Immor!!!”

[Jordan]:  “And that-”

[Caitie]:  Stealing “-is where we shall pause our tale for now!”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck you!”

[[Ending theme starts]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone, Jordan here to let you all know that we have a few plugs to shout out, and a blooper that didn’t get to make it into the episode proper.  But first the plugs.  Black Feather Graphics has shifted over to Black Feather Apparel,  an online clothing store with awesome graphic tees and designs edgy enough to satisfy even the most brooding of robes.  They come in a wide variety of designs colors and sizes so check them out at and follow them on facebook and instagram.  We all dream of being even a little as jacked and cool as our favorite DnD characters, and with Kinetic Concepts that dream can be a reality.  Our own Drew McClain – or the good Dr. Arlo Agon- is a personal trainer that can give you the perfect workout regimen for you and with virtual sessions you can get fit from the comfort of your own home. Be swift as a ranger, strong as a paladin or whatever your personal fitness goals are with kinetic concepts.   Find them on instagram at Kinetic Concepts CLT.  Getting a bit more local anyone craving tasty sweets in the south charlotte area of good old North Carolina to check out Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose.  It’s a local bakery that specializes in cheesecakes and will even deliver them to you, contactless of course. They have a wide variety of options from fruity to chocolatey and everything in between find them on facebook at Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose.  If you want to support the show follow us on our patreon and  We post all our episodes there a whole week before they hit itunes, spotify, or any of the podcatchers and platforms you can find us on.  We also have a special after show called Peek Behind the Screen where we talk more in depth about the episode- what we think will happen next, or whatever the hell else we feel like talking about.  You can also find us on facebook and tiktok at agents of damned and on twitter at agentsofd you can also follow our personal twitters with me at Pokechap, Christina at Greekachu and Caite at Myssymystery. Drew is not on twitter. We also have a website,, where you can also find all our episodes along with full transcriptions of each episode and personal bios of the cast.  If you want to talk to us or our community at large you have a discord server at AoD.  Where you can chat, discuss theories, and submit fan art and suggestions for the show.  We do ask that you keep it PG lest we unleash our unholy wrath upon you.  Don’t forget to leave a review and share the show with a friend- until next time, bye!!”

[[Ending theme ends followed by a static TV sound]]

[Jordan]:  “And you look down and see-”

[Caitie]:  “- a penis.”

[Drew]:  “I really was concerned that is was going to be a boner.  You look down and you see a huge dragon wang.  Just like ah no, Jordan.”

[Caitie]:  “I am honestly getting gayer vibes off of Kaladan right now that I was with Aelar.”

[Jordan]:  “What if I turn this around and say-”

[Kal]:  “Now you’re gonna give me that tiefling’s name and everything about her and help me hook up.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m into that.”

[Jordan]:  “That is not what he said.”

[Drew]:  “This is cannon.  No I support this canon.”

[Jordan]:  “Absolutely not.”


[Drew]:  “Why, you’re not gonna give me a tango and cash like wingman mission?”

[Jordan]:  “No I’m not. Anywho.”

[[TV static]] 

[Drew]:  “But Jockbird wins. That is what he does.  That is his identity.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m saying maybe you guys might want to like give it a second and see what I say before you start saying I burn resources.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.”

[Drew]:  “I am all in on Jockbird, Jockbird is the flying boy and he is the one who wins the flying race.”

[Christina]:  “Anyway.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: