Episode 19: Trial of Shadows

The Agents have arrived in the town of Ruinspoke, and already they find themselves in danger. Will they survive the Trial of Shadows and find the Friday Night Fun Pals?

Transcript

Trial of Shadows

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED!  Our let’s play DnD podcast featuring myself, your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master and host Jordan Roman.  And as always I am joined by my fellow players!

[Caitie]:  “Hey everyone!  I’m Caitie and I play Saithe!”

[Christina]:  “Hey guys, I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “And I’m Drew McClain and by the fabulous foyer of Bahamut I play the good Dr. Arlo Agon.”   

[Jordan]:  “So we got ourselves a new mission ahead of us and in light of that I have something I realized I need to address.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “Mhm.  Funny you‘d be the one to bring it up because you are the reason I need to bring this up, because you are the reason I need to bring this up.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no!”

[Jordan]:  “So, I’ve been listening back to some of our older episodes- for personal reasons- and I noticed a minor inconsistency involving Saithe.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no!”

[Jordan]:  “You remember those absolute dog shit stealth rolls you’ve been doing?”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah…”

[Jordan]:  “So, I think I first noticed this during the corpse flower fight if you guys happen to remember that. When you rolled a stealth check and I think you called like a 29 or something ridiculous?  Believable based on where you are at but all the same.  Then you took it back and realized you, and I quote, “forgot to apply the big betty bonus,” and so it somehow jumped up to a 38.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah?”

[Jordan]:  “You did not double your proficiency which is what it does, you doubled your stealth modifier which is super different.  And so so very broken.”

[Drew]:  Sarcastically “Yeah Caitie how could you not know the difference between your proficiency modifier and your stealth modifier like haha what like what an asshole I mean right?”

[Caitie]:  “Moving on!  Go on, do the – do the recap…butthead!”

[Jordan]:  “So last time, the Agents received their briefing on their next mission.  They were to head to the military outpost and training base of Ruinspoke within the heart of the Tymanther Empire.  Their mission was twofold, recover a set of stolen ioun stones and return them to HQ for safekeeping while avoiding leaking knowledge of these stones of the empire; as well as rescuing the missing Friday Night Fun Pals who were originally sent to retrieve the stones.  However, the complications didn’t end there.  Tymanther was Arlo’s old home, and for reasons not yet made fully clear to the group, Arlo could not be recognised while there for any reason.  To counter this, Arlo was provided a modified hat of disguise which gave him the appearance of a red dragonborn, and he was told to adopt a temporary new name and dialect more appropriate for his new crimson hue.  The Agents also learned while being told about their new anti-Ash equipment that Oudart was originally from Shadowfell- just as Ash himself had claimed to be.  While annoying the daylights out of his allies, Arlo and the others revisited Aelar to receive modifications to their armor.  During this exchange, Aelar had his “petty-coat” on full display, placing a ward on Saithe’s new armor and refusing to give it to her until she submitted to his authority on fashion.  She reluctantly agreed and the Agents made their way begrudgingly over to visit Rick Slavenly to partake in his wares; including two pearls of power for Arlo and Winterra and a black pudding for Saithe.  Before departing, Winterra went to visit Bookworm in the archives to tell her about a scavenger hunt she had left the silent giantess in the hopes of learning more about her.  Before departing, Winterra asked Oudart what he was, curious about his Shadowfell origins and the vision she had received of him looking the same at the founding of DAMNED 20 years ago.  However, he only responded that he was a human child and nothing more.  With that, the Agents were sent to the capital city of Djerad Thymar to meet their escort to the town of Ruinspoke. And thus we resume our tale!”

[[Transition]]

[Jordan]:  “But before that I do have some minor, minor, minor, super minor bookkeeping that we need to do real quick.  First of all, everyone roll me a d20.”

[Caitie]:  “19.”

[Drew]:  “15.”

[Christina]:  “12.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool.  Okay, now second thing of note, I forgot to address last time you are all level 7!”

[Caitie]:  “Yaaaaaay.”

[Drew]:  “Alriiiiight.”

[Jordan]:  “Only had like two or three episodes to mention this, forgot every single time.”

[Christina]:  “Hm.”

[Drew]:  “Good job.”

[Jordan]:  “Do you guys want to go over real quick what you  newfound powers are or do we just want to let them find out as happens?”

[Drew]:  “I do want to note that we did forget the most important part of the last episode in the recap.”

[Jordan]:  “…that being?”

[Drew]:  “That we found out that Oudart has sex dreams about Saithe.”

[Caitie]:  “Ugh…”

[Drew]:  “For me, that episode was, we did a bunch of stuff and also we found out that Oudart 

had sex dreams about Saithe and that is the funn-”

[Jordan]:  “Forgive me for not wanting to point out that like a 12 year old fantasizes about a 30 year old woman.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is deeply uncomfortable!!”

[Drew]:  Laughs  “Ah, that makes my day.  Alright, we can keep going now.”

[Jordan]:  “Did you guys want to talk about your level up or move on?”

[Drew]:  “I got more spells.”

[Christina]:  “I can bring about dinosaurs now and I’m super freaking excited about it.”

[Caitie]:  “I…let me pull my app up again-”

[Jordan]:  “You have crossbow expert and uncanny dodge.”  

[Caitie]:  “That.”

[Drew]:  “Oh I took the actor feat.”

[Jordan]:  “Excuse me?”

[Drew]:  “Nah, I didn’t.” Laughs

[Jordan]:  “About to say you shouldn’t be having an ability score increase yet you’re 7 damn you!  I know when those happen at.  You ain’t no fighter, back off!”  

[Christina]:  Chuckles  “Oh…”

[Jordan]:  “As the flash of light dissipates from the teleportation circle you guys were originally on, you find yourselves in a sprawling kingdom.  There are stone architecture as far as the eye can see, beautiful stone ways, all of it is made almost in a way that appears dwarvish but with slight modifications. Mostly in the metalworking that you can see sort of accenting a lot of the buildings and structures.  Metalwork that is definitely more distinctly dragonborn.  IT almost seems like this city, despite being in the heart of the dragonborn empire is actually decently dwarfish as well.  So as you guys appear there you are greeted by a brass dragonborn, and he comes over to you guys-”

[Brass Dragonborn]:  “Ah okay, y’all must be the uh secondary recruit from the uh, that there DAMNED place, am I right?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes sir!”

[Jordan]:  “Now, Arlo, you recognize this person.  He was actually one of your closest compatriots, and dare I even say, one of your closer friends during your time training at the military academy and even when you were at Ruinspoke doing your field training.  So I imagine there is some partial relief to see an old friend followed immediately by some unnerve – just immense nervousness from knowing he may potentially be able to pinpoint you if you slip.”

[Drew]:  “So Arlo adopts his fake name and accent and goes-”

[Sal]:  “Ah hello, it is nice to meet you.  My name is Salazar Amander.”  

[Jordan]:  “Fuck me, I forgot that was your dumb name.”

[Sal]:  “You may call me Sal.”

[Bass Dragonborn]:  “Pleasure to meet ya! Name’s Kaladan, I guess you can call me Kal by that logic.”

[Jordan]:  “He takes a closer look.”

[Kal]:  “Do I know- have we met before I’ve- you look kind of like, I can’t quite place it but I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere-”

[Sal]:  “Nope, no way.  Nope, impossible.  I just have one of those kinds of faces.  Never been here before.”

[Kal]:  “Hm…like you never, like you don’t have no military experience?”

[Sal]:  “Not even a little bit, nope.  Never been around here, never military, nothing, I’m from a humble farming village in…Farm…town…yes.”

[Saithe]:  “Farmtown. That’s the name of your home town, it’s Farmtown isn’t it?”

[Sal]:  “Yes that is the name of my hometown Saithe, thank you very much for reiterating.  I know it is hard for you to remember with your horrible brain injury.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Roll deception.  I want you to know it was going to be with disadvantage but I’m considering what Saithe did as the help action so it cancels out.”     

[Caitie]:  “You’re fucking welcome!”

[Drew]:  “That is going to be a 16 plus a 0 which is 16.”

[Christina]:  “This is gonna be a fun mission.”

[Kal]:  “Hm.  Well I mean I guess it might just be one of them faces I don’t know.  Well, I’m here to guide y’all over to Ruinspoke so what d’ya say we head on in the carriage and uh, get on ‘em.”

[Saithe]:  “That would be great!”

[Christina]:  “Winterra sees the carriage and she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “Oh, I’ve actually never really seen one of these in person this close before. This is so exciting!”

[Kal]:  “Really?  You ain’t never seen a carriage before?”

[Saithe]:  “She’s from the woods.  The deep woods.”

[Kal]:  “Ahhh.  Gotcha.  Welp!  We’ll be sure to make this a memorable experience.  Hop on in little lady!”

[Christina]:  “Winterra looks at herself and kind of holds her hands out as he says ‘little lady’ and she’s like quizzically looking at him-”

[Winterra]:  “I don’t think anyone other than my father has ever called me little before but sure!”

[Jordan]:  “He just kind of looks over to I guess Sal and Saithe really, like-”

[Sal]:  “Is she just not like not used to common colloquialisms and such?”

[Saithe]:  “Deep.  Deep woods.”

[Sal]:  “Right!  I will bear that in mind going forward. Alright, did not mean any disrespect, let’s head on out!”

[Caitie]:  “He said – bear.”

[[Christina tries and fails to stifle laughter while Drew mockingly repeats the word – ha]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh my fucking Christ I hate you all so much.” 

[Caitie]:  “It’s funny because Winterra’s a bear.”

[Jordan]:  “So.”

[Drew]:  “Minus 20 Caitie points.” 

[[Caitie and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “That’s my job!  Back off!!”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, I’m sorry.”

[[Transition scene]]

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you guys get on the carriage and he takes you all over to the town of Ruinspoke.  Now, it takes a couple hours to get out here, it’s pretty decently out of the way from the main town, and as you pass through you end up going through this large deserted area there’s obviously not a whole lot of floral life out there however you do actually see a decent amount of actual wildlife scattered throughout, including some hyenas, a few lizards, and a few dinosaurs even.”

[Christina]:  “Yay!”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way over to the town of Ruinspoke.  It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect out of your stereotypical old western style village.  The only notable exception is that most of the denizens that you see there happen to be lesser demons. Nothing that looks super terribly imposing especially to you all as 7th level characters, mostly just a bunch of smaller things like some shadowy creatures, some more lizard-like things, all things that especially Arlo would recognize as fairly timid and passive creatures.  Nothing that would be considered a threat to you all.  But you end up going past this area into a more open area that seems to have some barracks where you see a group of dragonborn- roughly 10- being led by what can only be described as the unholy combination of a dragon, a wolf, and a cyborg.  It has draconic legs and a large third body with ginormous clawed arms, a single eye, and a metallic lower jaw. And Arlo you would recognize this as Kane – the drill sergeant.”

[Drew]:  “It is almost visible that a chill runs down Arlo’s spine.”

[Jordan]:  “So you all exit the carriage and Kaladan brings you all over like-”

[Kal]:  “Reporting for duty Mr. Kane.  I brought the new operatives from DAMNED in order to help rescue the prior ones, as requested.”

[Jordan]:  “And Kane turns around- this dude is fucking massive by the way, in case I forgot to mention that- roughly 9, 10 feet tall somewhere around there.”

[Saithe]:  “Yikes.”

[Jordan]:  “He’s a big boy.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah Arlo as Salazar is like doing his best to discreetly stand behind Kal.”

[Jordan]:  “So Kane turns over to you all and-”

[Kane]:  Gruffly  “So.  You are the new ones being sent to save the weak runts from before.  Is that right?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes they are small.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes.”

[Kane]:  “Agreed.  I like this one.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe salutes and is just like-”

[Saithe]:  “Sir, yes sir!”

[Kane]:  “I like this one too!”

[Jordan]:  “He then immediately turns over to Arlo and just stares.”  

[Sal]: “Mrap.” *sounds like distressed dinosaur  

[Kane]:  “Hm.  We’ll work on you.  Well you can all make yourselves at home.  As of right now I have more important things to deal with.  These new recruits they’re spineless, worthless, cowards!  They refuse to do anything because they’re unmotivated sacks of shit!”  

[Jordan]:  “And he turns over to them and they’re trembling nervously.  And he turns back to you guys and says-”

[Kane]:  “What I really need is a good way to motivate them all.  If I could just show them some means of what they can expect-”

[Jordan]:  “And Kaladan actually kind of like looks over his shoulder at you guys, and Arlo you see a very familiar smirk, and from your time with Kaladan you know he’s up to no good right now.”

[Kal]:  “If I might Mr. Kane, why don’t we have our new friends here provide a little bit of a demonstration on what a trained professional can do?  Especially since they need to go out and recover their other allies which prove themselves otherwise incapable, I think it might also be good to validate whether they’re even really as good as they say they are- kill two birds one stone you know what I mean?”

[Kane]:  “Hm…I like it!”

[Jordan]:  “And he turns- Kane turns back over to to the recruits-”

[Kane]:  “Alright! You worthless worms!  Prepare to see what true warriors look like, as these three-”

[Jordan]:  “Hr turns back over to you guys,”

[Kane]:  “…people, shall show their true skills as government agents by taking the Trial of Shadows!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo goes-”

[Arlo]:  “Mrap, mrap, mrap!!”  

[Jordan]:  “Oh, doubly so for you, you remember the trial of shadows from your time training.  And Arlo?  You never passed it once.  It is, the one thing you hated doing more than anything because it was so imposing, so difficult, it was impossible.  And you have to do it now with an audience.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo goes-”

[Sal]:  “Um…before we begin, I do have to use the restroom, it has been a very long trip over.”

[Kane]:  “Don’t worry, you’ll be pissin’ yourself before you know it.  Time to begin!!”

[Sal]:  “Dammit.”

[Jordan]:  Chuckles  “So, Kane slams his hand down on the ground, and you see from his fingertips three shadows bolt out towards you all, and shoot out from the ground roughly your own respective heights.  They begin to take shape and you realize they form silhouettes of the three of you. Where eyes would be white circles flash open, followed by jagged toothy grins of pure white amidst the inky blackness that they are.”

[Caitie]:  “I hate it.”

[Jordan]:  “Saithe, for you it’s especially eerie almost like looking in a mirror.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “Everyone, roll initiative.”

[Drew]:  “15.”

[Caitie]:  “17.”

[Christina]:  “18.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so your shadows go first.  Now, each of them is going to pull out their own respective weapons, which again mirror your own. So the Arlo shadow pulls out a warhammer, the Terra shadow pulls out a scimitar, and the Saithe shadow actually pulls out the short sword.  And they all charge at you.  First one’s going to be against Arlo, and that’s gonna miss.  Next is the Winterra one, that is fosho gonna hit, you take 10 psychic damage.”

[Christina]:  “Oh okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Finally, the Saithe one…misses like a bitch.”

[Caitie]:  “Get it.”

[Jordan]:  “Terra, you’re up!”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so Terra gets hit and she snarls at this thing, and she immediately is gonna shift into her bear form, and she continues growling at it and she is going to – have, were there any rules explained, to us or was he basically just like, fight them.  Is that what he said?”

[Jordan]:  “The implication was fight them.”

[Christina]:  “Okay-”

[Jordan]:  “I never said it was a complicated trial.”

[Christina]:  “Alright, that’s fair.  Yeah, so I guess she’s gonna then pull out her own scimitar and go to hit this thing…17 to hit?  Which I don’t know if it has the same AC as me but that wouldn’t.” 

[Jordan]:  “Nope, it hits.”

[Christina]:  “That does 6 scimitar damage.” 

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Saithe you’re up.”

[Caitie]:  “You know…I’m just gonna parry.  I’m gonna go back at her with my own sword.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll to hit.”

[Caitie]:  “Does a 13 hit?”

[Jordan]:  “Yes, yes it does.”

[Caitie]:  “3”

[Jordan]:  “You deal a whopping 3 damage.  Arlo you’re up.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, I’m gonna clap my hands together and then cast the spell Spirit Guardians.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Which will just flavor-wise, it’s going to manifest around us a bunch of spectral versions of the the draconic dragonborn music star Ronnie Flash who is completely legally distinct in every way from Johnny Cash.”

[Jordan]:  “Drew you’ve made this joke already.”

[Drew]:  “No actually we haven’t we didn’t get a chance to.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes you did!  You did it during the fucking corpse flower fight.”

[Drew]:  “Nope.” 

[Jordan]:  “Okay…”

[Caitie]:  “Just let him do it.”

[Drew]:  “And it’s playing his hit song Spectral Writers Amongst the Clouds.  Which sounds absolutely nothing like Ghost Riders in the Sky and I want all the shadows to make Wisdom saving throws.”

[Jordan]:  “What is the number to beat?”

[Drew]:  “The number to beat is 14.”

[Jordan]:  “You get 2 of them.  For simplicity’s sake I will, er-actually roll me a d6.”

[Drew]:  “5.”

[Jordan]:  “Yours is the one that passed.”

[Drew]:  “Neat.  It’s gonna be 12 damage for the ones that did not pass and half damage for the one that did.”

[Jordan]:  “Hey Drew, want to know something fun?”

[Drew]:  “What?”

[Jordan]:  “It’s 24 damage for the ones that failed.”

[Christina]:  “Whoa.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles, then in singsong  “Radiant damage~!”

[Jordan]:  “These things are weak as hell to radiant damage.”

[Caitie]:  “Yikes!”

[Drew]:  “And that’ll be my turn.”

[Jordan]:  “As you end your turn Drew, or Arlo, roll me an insight check.”

[Drew]:  “That’s pretty high, that’s a 17.”

[Jordan]:  “You notice, yours seems to resist it decently well, but the ones fighting Terra and Saithe – they look rough.  These things are nowhere near as powerful as you remember them being.”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo goes-”

[Sal]:  “Hm.  Maybe it’s like when you go back to your elementary school and everything seems smaller because you are now bigger.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah almost something like that.  Alright, so these things are back up again, let’s see if they can do any better this time.  I’m not going to hit Arlo, gonna hit Terra, gonna hit Saithe.  So you both take 10 psychic damage.”

[Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Terra you’re up.”

[Christina]:  “Did Terra notice that they looked sufficiently fucked when he hit them with that?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah, no you noticed 24 points of radiant damage.”

[Christina]:  “Alright, cool!  So then she while still snarling is going to decide that she’s going to cast Moonbeam.  So that’s going to be on the one that she is still currently engaged in, it needs to make a constitution saving throw.”

[Jordan]:  “Wow, yeah no it eats shit.”

[Christina]:  “Oooh!  That was a 10, and a 6.  So 16.”

[Jordan]:  “That would double to 32. This thing’s on death’s fucking door, it’s barely able to hold its form anymore.”

[Christina]:  “That’s exciting.”

[Jordan]:  “Do you have anything else?”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Hmmmm…Does this- let’s see it just says when a creature enters the spell’s area for the first time- so I probably don’t want to go inside of my own cylinder-”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll say you’re immune to your own magic that’d be stupid otherwise.”

[Christina]:  “Okay then, I’m gonna do my bonus action bite attack then.”

[Jordan]:  “Do it.”

[Christina]:  “That probably doesn’t hit, that’s just a 10.”

[Jordan]:  “No it does manage to dodge I’m sorry, would’ve been hella cool.  Saithe, you’re up!”

[Saithe]:  “I’m gonna use sword burst!”

[Jordan]:  “Language please.”

[Saithe]:  “You create a momentary circle of spectral blades that sweep around you.  Each creature within range other than you must succeed in a dexterity saving throw or take 1d6 force damage.  The spell’s damage increases by 1d6 – oh that doesn’t matter, okay that’s it.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah…they pass, sorry. Arlo, you’re back up.”

[Drew]:  “How many of them could I fit within let’s just say hypothetically a 15 foot cone?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, let’s say hypothetically three for three.”

[Drew]:  “I’m going to breathe fire at them.  Dex saves por favor.”

[Jordan]:  “2 of them got 18, 1 of them got a 10.”

[Caitie]:  “Yikes.”

[Drew]:  “The 18’s pass, the 10 does not.”

[Jordan]:  “For fairness sake we’ll say yours didn’t pass.”

[Drew]:  “Yay! It’s gonna be 6 fire damage to the one that did not pass and half as much to the ones that did.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so that’s going to be the shadow’s turn-”

[Christina]:  “-And mine needs to make another saving throw please!”

[Jordan]:  “I’m actually pretty sure they all need to because Spirit Guardians are still in effect, am I right?” 

[Drew]:  “Oh shit!  I forgot that that is aso a thing, yeah that’s still happening to you guys.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re very welcome, I’ll just go ahead and do Arlo’s because Terra yours is at 1HP  and it’s not going to survive no matter what.  One hella passes, the other hella doesn’t.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, so one’s gonna take 12 damage and the other will take 6.”  

[Jordan]:  “Alright, and this is radiant damage, correct?”

[Drew]:  “It is indeed, so it would get doubled.”

[Jordan]:  “So 12 and 24.  Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Yeaaah boy.”

[Jordan]:  “So now that it’s their turn again, the two remaining ones look super super bad.  Like they are regretting all of life.  They are going to attack Saithe and Arlo since those are the ones that are left-”

[Christina]:  “And I want one of them to make their throw with disadvantage.  I want to look at one and snarl at it, I’m using my tactical insight.”   

[Jordan]:  “Alright, since Saithe is the one taking damage we’ll say that one and you hear Pindleton from inside your mind say-”

[Pindleton]: Jordan starts off using the wrong accent before switching halfway through “Hey these things look like they kind of suck a little bit why don’t just-” Corrects voice  “I mean, why don’t you snarl at it?”

[Drew]:  “Did you forget what Pindleton’s voice was and then remember in the middle of the statement?”

[Jordan]:  “No.”

[Caitie]:  “Just like Pindleton sounds like a freaking wimp and then he noticed that he was sounding like a wimp and had to like deepen his voice.”

[Christina]:  “Like he canonically has to constantly remember how he talks otherwise he slips back to this like no-”  Laughs

[Drew]:  “Yeah like he doesn’t actually sound like the ‘oh yes i was once a great warrior’ like that’s a voice he does and he forgets to do it sometimes.”

[Caitie]:  “Turns out he’s just like a 12 year old boy.”

[Jordan]:  “I have several 12 year old boys thank you I don’t need more.”

[Christina]:  “So anyway, anyway, Terra gets down and crouches and snarls at one of them.”

[Jordan]:  “And they both miss.  Terra you’re up.”

[Christina]:  “Sweet.  Bonus action I’d like to move my Moonbeam to whichever one of those two looks slightly less fucked up.”

[Jordan]:  “They’re both equally fucked up, take your pick.  Saithe or Arlo, who do you want to help more?”  

[Drew]:  “I will say you should go for Saithe because mine hasn’t managed to hit me once.  I have taken no damage.”

[Jordan]:  “So that is going to be a wisdom save correct?”

[Christina]:  “Yes, correct.”

[Jordan]:  “19.”

[Christina]:  “It passes, it’ll take half.  So I rolled a 9 so-” 

[Jordan]:  “So it takes 9 because it’s still weak to it.”

[Christina]:  “And that was the bonus action moving it.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes it was.”

[Christina]:  “So I actually want to go hit it now.”

[Jordan]:  “Do it.”

[Christina]:  “I like this, I like this now.  This is my new favorite game that we’re playing.  That was a nat20.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh!!”

[Drew]:  “Oh god!” 

[Drew]:  “Do you want to roll the damage or do you just want Christina to describe how she fucks this shadow in the mouth?”

[Caitie]:  “Yeup.”

[Jordan]:  “Terra, how do you fuck this shadow in the mouth?”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Alright so Terra had moved the Moonbeam over to this thing right? And so she’s on all fours pretty much crouched and snarling, she’s like put her scimitar in her mouth, and she stands up and runs at it and pulls the scimitar from her mouth and slashes it in half.”

[Jordan]:  “Tasty.”

[Christina]:  “And then immediately locks eyes on Arlo’s in case it somehow survives this next round.”

[Jordan]:  “We’ll see, it has to be able to survive both Saithe and Arlo, the former of which is now up.”

[Caitie]:  Softly  “Yay.”  Normally  “Alright, I’m gonna try this again, let’s do Burning Hands.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright.”

[Caitie]:  “As you hold your hands with thumbs touching and fingers spread a thin sheet of flames-”

[Jordan]:  “Just tell me the save.”

[Caitie]:  “A creature takes…oh no what does it need…dexterity.”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you, does an 11 pass?”

[Caitie]:  “No it does not!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll it.”

[Caitie]:  “11.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool.  It’s looking real real messed up. Arlo.”

[Saithe]:  “Fuck it up!”

[Drew]:  “Well you know I gotta do it to him.  I pull out my fucking nunchucks 

[Jordan]:  “Hm…You mean gun chucks.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, I pull out my god-damned gun chucks, and I take a second before I attack to go-”

[Sal]:  “I’m going to break your butt.”

[Jordan]:  “It screeches at you, and you can- maybe it’s just your own mind, you’re pretty sure you hear it say: please don’t.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo, er Sal as everyone knows him right now goes-”

[Sal]:  “No.”

[Drew]:  “And then he rolls I’m gonna start with the melee just to make it spicy.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “It’s gonna be 17 to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Fully hits.”

[Drew]:  “Cool, that’s gonna be 9 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool.”

[Drew]:  “And I’m gonna just do the range attack at point blank range to be a fuckboi about it.”

[Jordan]:  “Nice, do it.”

[Drew]:  “That’s gonna be a 14 to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Hits.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah!! That’s gonna be 11 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo where would you like the bullet hole to be on this thing as it fades out of existence?”

[Drew]:  “I want it to be kind of like I smacked it underneath the chin with the nunchuck and then flipped it back around and then point blank shot it in the face.”

[Jordan]:  “Its jagged toothy grin is the first thing that fades as it turns to black smoke and you three have thoroughly kicked their asses and passed the Trial of Shadows.”

[Christina]:  “Hell yeah!”

[Drew]:  “Yaaaaay.”

[Jordan]:  “Kane comes over to the three of you and says-”

[Kane]:  “I have to admit that was pretty fucking awesome.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra’s still in like a bloodlust-”

[Winterra]:  “This is cool, this is just what you guys are doing all the time?  I like this!”

[Kane]:  “Well hopefully we can get these worthless worms to start doing the same.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo’s like-”

[Sal]:  “Hell yeah!”

[Saithe]:  “The key is to smile through it.”

[Kane]:  “Is that what you’ve been doing under that mask?”

[Caitie]:  “She yanks it down.”

[Kane]:  “Oh wow, thats-”

[Saithe]:  “I know, beautiful right?”

[Kane]:  “Very.”

[Saithe]:  “Thank you!”

[Caitie]:  “Is she making him scared is that why he said that?” Laughs

[Jordan]:  “He was caught off guard.  

[Drew]:  “Arlo leans over to Kal and just goes like-”

[Sal]:  “Again, terrible brain injury.  That is why the smile.”

[Caitie]:  “Can I hear him?”

[Drew]:  “What would I roll to say that quietly?”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo roll…I keep leaning over to dex but this isn’t like- or stealth but this isn’t necessarily dex based…”

[Drew]:  “I’m gonna tell you right now if it’s anything in the charisma skill tree other than intimidation it’s not gonna make a difference.  I have no pluses.”

[Jordan]:  “We’ll say…roll me an intelligence check to see if you can think to be quiet.”

[Drew]:  “Neat, I am a moderately smart boy.”  Rolls  “It does not matter, as that is an 11.”

[Jordan]:  “Amidst having to remember your new name and keep up this accent that is super not your natural accent, you’re a little louder than you meant to be.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna smack him on the back of the head with my tail.”

[Sal]:  “Ow!  We- we let those things fly, she has these muscle spasms- again from the terrible, terrible brain injury that she sustained.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m going to smack him again before he finishes his sentence.”  

[Kal]:  “Friend I think you really should stop patronizing her.”

[[All laugh]]

[Kal]:  “That just seems to be doing nothing for you.  

[Sal]:  “I will consider that.” 

[Saithe]:  “I will absolutely kick your ass…Sal.

[Kal]:  “Uh, how ‘bout I show y’all to your quarters for while you’re here.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes that would be great.  Thanks Kal.”

[Kal]:  “Don’t mention it…”

[Jordan]:  “And he starts kind of like nervously walking off kind of just trying to process the…everything.  So he brings you guys over to the barracks area and he brings you to this room like-”

[Kal]:  “Alright, well, this is where y’all are going to be.  Whenever you guys are ready to head on over to the ruins just be sure to let me know.  If you want to take the day to rest up after having to face the trial of shadows then I fully get it. Sorry about throwing y’all under the rug like that I just- I kind of wanted to see what y’all were about you know?”

[Saithe]:  “That is completely understandable.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra nods along and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Yes – it is important to be able to show that you are actually strong.”

[Kal]:  “I agree!”

[Sal]:  “And as you have seen we are um as you would say badasses.”

[Kal]:  “I – I mean I don’t know if I would have said that but yeah y’all are definitely impressive.”

[Sal]:  “I feel like I heard you say it while we were fighting.”

[Kal]:  “I was quiet as a library mouse my friend.”

[Sal]:  “Maybe it was like your vibe – you’re giving a vibe of like ‘wow these guys are badasses.’”

[Christina]:  “Winterra looks so confused at Arlo as he keeps saying the word ‘badasses’ and she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “What – what? How…how is one’s bottom bad I do not- I don’t get it, this is, this is another new word, please explain.” 

[Drew]:  “Arlo pulls out a pen pad from his pack and then like pulls out like what looks to be an extensive list at the top of which it says ‘Things that you have to explain to Winterra’ now and he’s gonna write down the phrase – badasses.”

[Kal]:  “Well I’ll let y’all just get settled…uh, I’ll be downstairs if you, if you need me…”

[Jordan]:  “And he makes his way out.  So as you guys are getting settled in- Saithe, make me a dexterity saving throw if you please.”

[Caitie]:  “19.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys are getting set up, putting out your stuff, and Saithe you look up facing towards an open window- and you see something.  You can’t quite make out what it is, because it looks like it’s pretty far away, but it also looks like it’s getting closer.  And then all of a sudden it is right in your face.  Literally, on your face.  As it smacks you and you fall to the ground.”

[Caitie]:  “How did I fail with a 19??”

[Jordan]:  “Because it was a dc20.”

[Caitie]:  “Well fuck, all right, fair enough.”  

[Jordan]:  “That’s how, there’s higher numbers than 19.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s fair.”

[Jordan]:  “Winterra and Arlo, you guys look over and and you see stuck to Saithe’s face – is a starfish.”

[Drew]:  “Yes!!”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Holding a flyer-”

[Drew]:  “YES.”

[Jordan]:  “For your favorite dining establishment.”

[Drew]:  “Absolutely yes.”

[Caitie]:  “You just hear like-”

[Saithe]:  Muffled speaking “Mmmm, gah, argh!  Why though??”

[Arlo]:  “Saithe, I got- and I say this with sincerity.  Why not?”

[Saithe]:  Sighs “I mean it wouldn’t be the first starfish that was in my face.  We’re not gonna talk about that.”

[Arlo]:  “I don’t- I don’t want any additional information on that.”

[Jordan]:  “So your options as of right now are:  head on over to the ruins because it’s still like, you could reasonably get there before nightfall.  You can choose to just end your day now, and then head over in the morning. OR you can make the correct choice and get some food.”

[Drew]:  “Well I mean it’s been a long day, we should get ourselves some rest- and fuck that we’re going to Betty’s.”

[Saithe]:  “I have had so much stress dealing with you today. I am down for it. Let’s go.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way following the directions, and as per usual it is smack dab between two buildings in a way that just should not be possible, just really crammed in there.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo, like now after- like now that they’re in a town that they’re actually fully familiar with, like really grasps the gravity of Big Betty’s Traveling Tavern.  And I like – he knows this area, and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “There’s definitely not usually a building here.”  

[Jordan]:  “Also the fact that you know there is definitely better space to have put this thing and this is arguably the worst spot to have put it.”

[Sal]:  “They definitely didn’t get zoning for this, I know that.”

[Saithe]:  “Do you really think Big Betty is worried about zoning?”

[Sal]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way in, and as always good old Betty is there to greet you.”

[Waitress Betty]:  “Well hello there!  Welcome to Betty’s Wandering Tavern!  Good to see you three again!”

[Saithe]:  “Hello Big Betty! We hope you’re doing well!”

[Waitress Betty]:  “Oh, good as always.  Ahh, got some bad news though…”

[Saithe]:  “What is it?”

[Waitress Betty]:  “We don’t have any free tables.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh that’s okay, we can stand!  Your food is that good!” 

[Waitress Betty]:  “Hm…there’s an idea!”       

[Jordan]:  “And then, kind of like out of nowhere, a shoe kind of smacks Betty in the head – you cannot track where it came from, and you see no likely candidates.”

[Betty]:  “Oh right!!  I almost forgot! We have a bar now!”  

[Winterra]:  “Oh?”

[Betty]:  “You can just sit there!”

[Saithe]:  “Oh good!  I certainly need a drink.”

[Betty]:  “Excellent! It’s right over there.”

[Jordan]:  “And she points to this long bar top next to the organ where El and Arr are located, the two left severed hands, and polishing a glass you see a bipedal pufferfish, wearing a bowtie.”

[Drew]:  Softly  “Yes!!”   

[Caitie]:  “Well, I know what my next drawing will be.”

[Drew] :  “I love him!”

[Jordan]:  “In fact Arlo, you recognize him as the same one that gave you the flyer.”

[Drew]:  “Yaaaaaay!”

[Christina]:  “It’s Sweety Puffy Boy!”

[Drew]:  “It’s Sweet Puffy Boy!!!”

[Jordan]:  “You guys make your way over to the bar, he looks up you guys-”

[Sweety Puffy Boy]:  With vaguely Slavic accent “Ah hello there, welcome to bar.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Sweety Puffy Boy]:  “I’m Sweety Puffy Boy, may call me SPB.”

[Saithe]:  “Hello SPB!”

[SPB]:  “You are ready to order?”

[Saithe]:  “May we see the menu again?”

[SPB]:  “Absolutely.  In fact, we also have new drink menu.”

[Jordan]:  “You may all now look in the drive where I have placed a drink menu.”

[Christina]: “Oh my god Jordan, I love it.  I – I love it so much!”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Christina]:  “So I assume Betty’s Backwash is what we’d normally been receiving?”  

[Jordan]:  “Uh-huh.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t like that.  I don’t like you fed us that.”

[Jordan]:  “To be fair, you’ve only had it once.  

[Drew]:  “Betty’s Backwash – we put booze in a mug, and Betty – I think the waitress (not sure), spits in it.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Jordan]:  “I will once again be sharing this on all our social medias because I love this so much.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, you guys need to look down at ‘Saving Grace – dragonfire brandy mixed with SPB’s “special stuff” pairs well with the Sweety Puffy Bites.”     

[Drew]:  Apprehensive  “What is SPB’s special stuff Jordan?”

[[Christina laughs]]

[SPB]:  “Trade secret. Cannot tell, lizard friend.”

[Caitie]:  Mimicking a Rick Slavenly voice  “Oooze babies!!”

[Christina]:  “Ohh…no.”  

[SPB]:  I have no idea what you’re talking about but that is disgusting.”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Oh…oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “So yes, these are your new three drink options.  If I think of more, I’ll add them but it’s kind of hard to think of things within this same vein.  So for our audience at home, there is the aforementioned ‘Betty’s Backwash.’ Which is literally just alcohol and Betty’s phlegm.  And that’s what gives them the usual either advantage or disadvantage on saving throws. The two new ones are ‘Death’s Embrace,’ which if they fall unconscious- like they need to make death saving throws, depending on whether they pass or not, they’ll either start with two successes or two fails.  And then the ‘Saving Grace,’ which if they manage to succeed then anytime they need to do a saving throw for something like Fireball or Dragon’s Breath, things like that, on a success they will take zero damage but if they fail to save for the drink then when they fail those saving throws they take double damage. You guys also notice, and this was not unintentional, the drink menu looks infinitely less professionally done than the food menu.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.”    

[Jordan]:  “You get the feeling SPB made this one.”

[Drew]:  “Sweety Puffy Boy.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh SPB.”

[Drew]:  “It’s probably really hard for him to do though because he doesn’t have any fingies.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s why the handwriting is so bad.”

[Drew]:  “He tries so hard to give us a good drink menu.  I love him so much.”  

[SPB]:  “So, what will we be having to drink?”

[Saithe]:  “I’ll have the Saving Grace please!”  

[Sal]:  “I would like to live dangerously.  I shall have the Death’s Embrace.”

[SPB]:  “Hm.  Stupid boy, got it.”

[Winterra]:  Laughs  “Um, I’ll do the Saving Grace too, that sounds interesting.”

[SPB]:  “Alright, two Saving Grace and a Death’s Embrace for the stupid boy, got it.”

[[Drew and Christina chuckle]]

[Jordan]:  “And he starts, he jumps down behind the counter so you can’t see him, and as you guys try to sneak a peek you hear from behind you-”

[Betty]:  “Are you ready to order food?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes ma’am!  I’m starving!”

[Betty]:  “Excellent, what will it be?”  

[Saithe]:  “I’ll have the Fish Fingers, and the Spicy Suna Turprise, and the Dark Chocolate Anchovies.”

[Betty]:  “Excellent!  And you two?”

[Sal]:  “I shall just have the Spicy Suna Turprise.”

[Betty]:  “You know you remind me of someone else who had that who also sounded dead inside saying it.”

[Sal]:  “Yes, ah, I…am a different guy who has not met that person but perhaps we are kindred spirits in this one matter.”

[Betty]:  “Makes sense to me! What about you?”

[Winterra]:  “I will have…the Spicy Suna Turprise and the Dark Chocolate Anchovies.”

[Betty]:  “Cool.  I’ll get that stuff right out.”

[Jordan]:  “And she walks away, goes through the double doors as always, and then you hear three clinks behind you and SPB has your drinks.”

[Caitie]:  “Hella.”

[Jordan]:  “Y’all know the rules.  Roll me those Con saves.”

[Caitie]:  “Let’s do it bitch!  14.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t- I don’t want to.”

[Christina]:  “Don’t forget you still have Orillo’s if you want to add Orillo’s bonus.”

[Jordan]:  “You guys did have breakfast or whatever meal you guys want it to be so you do have a d10 of bardic.”

[Drew]:  “Oh thank god.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh yeah.”

[Drew]:  “So that was an 8, that is now a 13.”

[Christina]:  “Hm…I got a 15.”  

[[Jordan slow claps and then speeds into ]]

[Caitie]:  “Oh god…”

[Jordan]:  “I finally got you fuckers to fail.” 

[Caitie]:  “Aaaagh.  Bitch.”

[Jordan]:  “Except for Winterra who passed.”

[Christina]:  “Oh shit!”

[Jordan]:  “You get the additional bonus, for having zero damage when you succeed on a saving throw for an attack.”

[Christina]:  “Oh shit but Saithe doesn’t…” 

[Jordan]:  “Saithe has the opposite where if she fails, the damage is automatically doubled.  And if Arlo ever goes down for any reason he will have two automatic death save fails.”

[Christina]:  Processing, hands over her mouth  “Oh shit.”

[Drew]:  “I thought I could make it and then essentially be immortal for the whole mission and then just like be very reckless.”

[Christina]:  “You fool!  Your pride!”

[Jordan]:  “Unfortunately that’s not what happened.”

[Caitie]:  Screaming  “I FORGOT TO ADD MY SAVE MODIFIER!!”

[Jordan]:  “God you’re gonna give me a fucking anneurism by the end of this.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah…fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “So in which case, Arlo’s the only one who does not have a good time with his drink and now has to play super carefully during what’s supposed to be his prerequisite story mission.  

[Drew]:  “Yeah, Arlo’s just coughing up and is just like-”

[Sal]:  “UGH. What the hell is that made of?”

[SPB]:  “Is made of old feywild scotch and some shit that we found in the house special.”

[Sal]:  “It is not good, I don’t like it.”

[Saithe]:  “Ours was good.”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah this is great.”

[SPB]:  “I like these two, you are stupid boy.”

[Sal]:  “I thought you were cool, but you’re a dumb circle!” 

[SPB]:  “I’m not the one who’s on this door now

[Christina]:  Giggling  “You’re a dumb cirlce…”

[Jordan]:  “So as this goes on, all of the food slams down almost simultaneously as Big Betty comes by-”

[Betty]:  “Alright!  Enjoy!”

[Jordan]:  “So first up we’re going to go ahead and do Saithe’s for the Fish Fingers.”

[Christina]:  “Don’t forget your save.”  

[Caitie]:  “15.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, you have resistance to psychic damage.”

[Caitie]:  “Yay”

[Jordan]:  “Now did all three of you get Spicy Suna Turprise?” 

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Christina]:  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay all three of you go ahead and roll that one out.”

[Drew]:  “Haha suck my ass that’s a 20!”

[Caitie]:  “17.”

[Christina]:  Face in her hands “That’s so tracking. I got an 11 so I failed.”

[Jordan]:  Not hiding his glee  “Okay so!  Arlo and Saithe have immunity to fire damage to stack onto their already existing fire resistance.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes queen.”

[Jordan]:  “And Winterra is now vulnerable to fire damage.”

[Christina]:  Briefly removing her hands from her face “Assuming I don’t roll a save for it.”

[Caitie]:  “We’re gonna wipe this session aren’t we?”

[Drew]:  “I’m sure you guys will definitely live through this shit.”  

[Jordan]:  “And then finally ladies for your Dark Chocolate Anchovies go ahead and roll that one.”

[Christina]:  “Oh thank god that was a non nat 20.”

[Caitie]:  “I got a 19 bitches!”

[Jordan]:  “Okay you two are resistant to necrotic damage!”

[Caitie]:  “Yaaaaaa!”

[Jordan]:  “So is there anything else you guys would like to do while you are here?”

[Christina]:  “Partake of the music?”

[Drew]:  “I too shall partake of the music.”

[Caitie]:  “Partake of the music.”

[Jordan]:  “Go ahead and roll your charisma checks.”

[Drew]:  “Got an 11.”

[Christina]:  “That was another 20 Jordan.”

[Jordan]:  “Jeesus fuck.”

[Caitie]:  “Girrrl.”

[Christina]:  “My leafy dice like me.”

[Caitie]:  “21.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, ladies you felt the music.  Arlo you did not.”   

[Sal]:  “I don’t get it, it’s just like clinky piano sounds what is this like jazz or something?”

[Jordan]:  “Anything else you guys like to do while you’re here?”

[Drew]:  “Was the shoe getting thrown at Betty just flavor or is there like actually someone out here throwing shoes?”

[Jordan]:  “That was just for flavor.”

[Drew]:  “Alright.”

[Christina]:  “So I actually do have a legitimate like in character thing- so the house is full right? Is it full of people that look like they’re from the area?”

[Jordan]:  “It is packed with demons and a couple of dragonborn.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, do we pick up any conversation that’s going on like that might help us with what we’re about to go do?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll me perception or investigation- your choice.”

[Christina]:  “Okay… Oh my god Jordan it’s another 20.”

[Caitie]:  “I cannot believe you’ve rolled three nat 20s.”

[Christina]:  “I’m shitting you not this is my green leafy die!!  Holy shit!!  This is my new favorite set of dice.  Holy shit.  Okay so that was a 20 on the die and then my perception is just plus 6 because there’s already proficiency in it.”

[Jordan]:  “You happen to catch eyes on one particular fire demon and you’re just kind of honed in on them but you also happen to hear that the people before- like they’re kind of like talking about you guys since you specifically came here to rescue the fun pals.  You hear them talking about it and you also overhear that they have gone to a place called the Untheran Ruins, which is just to the east of where you guys – like where Ruinspoke is.  And you also hear them say that they had overheard a rumor that the ruins had been overtaken by gnolls. And that’s what you’re able to glean from that.”  

[Caitie]:  “Oh hyena creatures.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, hyena creatures.” 

[Christina]:  “But do we know what those are?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah you guys know what gnolls are, they’re super common.”

[Christina]:  “So Winterra hears this and she like kind of stares at him for a second as they’re talking about everything going on and she slowly turns to face the others, and is still kind of squinting and like looking back at the other table, and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Guys, they’re talking about um Friday Night. They said that they last heard a rumor that uh that the thing’s been overtaken by gnolls where they went.  That it’s, that it’s in the ruins of the east. I think I heard them call it the- the Untheran Ruins?”

[Christina]:  “And she’s like whispering it as quietly as she can.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of leans in and is like-”

[Sal]:  “The gnolls took the Untheran Ruins?  They’ve been trying to get at that for years, how did they manage that?”

[Jordan]:  “Before you start adding too much lore let me explain to you what you know of the Untheran Ruins.”

[Drew]:  “They are also filled with banana ice cream pies and kick-ass water slides.”

[Jordan]:  “They are super not.”

[Christina]:  “Lord.”

[Jordan]:  “The Untheran Ruins are actually a temple that were devoted to the first dragons.  It was originally created during the time of the first Giants War, which was fought between the ancient dragons and the ancient giants known as titans.  This was long before anyone that is presently alive, even most elves would be able to remember. This was several, several thousand years ago.  And so they’ve long been abandoned since then, and various desert creatures often tend to overtake it.  But many followers of Bahamut such as yourself tend to revere it as somewhat of a holy place and have been trying to get a solid hold on the place just because of all of the ancient artifacts inside and the obvious ties to the dragons of old.”

[Caitie]:  “Interesting.”  

[Sal]:  “If – if gnolls have overtaken this place then it is our solemn duty to clear it out.  Those grounds are sacred and cannot be defiled by their shitty hyena boy antics.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm…so, so what you’re saying is these ruins are like the way that you guys feel about how I feel about my forest.”

[Sal]:  “Yes, imagine if we had gone to your forest and there are a bunch of shitty hyena people just throwing fire everywhere and pissing on everything.  For some reason they like pissing on everything.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just kind of growls a little bit, she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “Uggh.”

[Sal]: “Yeah like that.  Fuck those guys.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe isn’t talking, because she can’t whisper.”

[Jordan]:  “As you guys are having this conversation, Arlo you actually feel a hand on your shoulder and you look up and you see Kal.”

[Kal]:  “Hey, you uh mind if I borrow you for a quick second partner?  I just wanted to talk to you about something real quick.”

[Sal]:  “Um…sure…Jal, right?  With a J?”

[Kal]:  “Er- it’s Kal, with a K, and I took the decency to remember your name Sal so I’d appreciate if you do the same.”

[Sal]:  “My apologies, I am, I am bad with names and we have just met today for the first time.”

[Kal]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “And he turns to Winterra and Saithe like-”

[Kal]:  “Hope y’all don’t mind if I just borrow him real quick it won’t take long.”

[Saithe]:  “Take him, please!”

[Jordan]:  “So he brings you out back behind the restaurant, it’s just the two of you, there is no one else there, not even an inconspicuous Big Betty cameo for no reason despite the fact that I could do that.  You have my solemn vow.”

[Kal]:  “So I actually have this thing I wanted to show you real quick.  It’s uh, this special little tool that we use for identifying people that come through the gate.  Helps us notice a few things and uh makes our lives a little bit easier.”

[Jordan]:  “And he pulls out what looks like these sunglasses and he puts them on-”

[Drew]:  “Wait, as he’s trying to put them on can I try to slap them out of his hand?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll to hit.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “…fuck. Alright so that’s a 6.”

[Jordan]:  “So you try and grab for him but he very quickly backs up as he puts them on, and says-”

[Kal]:  “Ah, so I see you realize where this is goin’.  Helps us identify different kinds of magic and see through illusions.”

[Jordan]:  “He takes off the glasses and says-”

[Kal]:  “Long time no see Arlo.  We need to talk.”

[Jordan]:  “And that’s where we shall pause our tale for now.”

[[Ending theme plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys, thank you all so much for listening. Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper.  We’re adding those to the end of each episode as a little something for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, we have some plugs and promotions!  

For anyone in the South Charlotte area, check out ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose’ on Facebook.  They’re a local bakery that specializes in, you guessed it, cheesecakes!  They do custom orders and delivery so it’s a quick and easy way to satisfy your sweet tooth.  

We are also partnered with ‘Black Feather Graphics,’ they’ve helped us with the show before, designing our logo and official art used on our social media.  They’ve recently started to specialize in apparel so check them out at blackfeatherapparel.com.  

Finally, our own Drew McClain is the fitness genius behind Kinetic Concepts. When he’s not reciting the holy scriptures of Bahamut, Drew is a personal trainer who customizes your workout to your own needs. He’s helped me get in fighting shape and is also helping my brother to prepare for a marathon.  To get yourself in shape just find Kinetic Concepts on instagram.  

If you want to support the show, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Agents of DAMNED and Twitter @AgentsofD.   We also have a patreon at Agents of DAMNED where we post episodes a week before their standard release, alongside our aftershow Peek Behind the Screen where we talk about what happened in the episode and what we think will happen next.  

Finally, check out our website at agentsofdamned.wordpress.com where you can get access to full transcriptions of every episode and learn a little bit about the show’s creators.   Until next time, bye!!”

[[Ending theme ends followed by TV static]]

[Jordan]:  “As you continue to make your way over uh is there anything you guys would like to do while you are in the carriage or we just fast-forwarding to Ruinspoke?”

[Caitie]:  “Are any of the dinosaurs close enough to the carriage that you could reach out and touch them?”

[Jordan]:  “Absolutely not!”

[Caitie]:  “Damn alr-”

[Drew]:  “That sounds like a generally very bad idea.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, Caitie, do you know what a dinosaur is??”

[Caitie]:  “Okay but my favorite dinosaur is a brontosaurus and they’re just gentle giant babies.”

[Drew]:  “We don’t have any proof that they were gentle in any way, shape, or form.”

[Caitie]:  “GENTLE. GIANT. BABIES.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Okay so ignoring prehistoric history as told by ‘The Land Before Time’”

[[All chuckle]]

[Drew]:  “So our new mission is to get some tree stars right?”

[Jordan]:  “…god dammit.”

[Christina]:  “Also, Caitie, if we encounter a brontosaurus we need to run in the other direction because those things I can’t even summon.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god!”

[Jordan]:  “Mhm.”

[Drew]:  “They are big boys.”

[[TV static]]

[Saithe]:  “Also I recognize that you’re not yourself right now.  Because you can’t be.  But keep going. Keep going and see what happens Sal A Mander.”

[Winterra]:  “She did threaten to kill us the very very first day we ever interacted with her.”

[Saithe]:  “The very first day!”

[Sal]:  “Yes but-”

[Winterra]:  “I would just keep that in mind.”

[Sal]:  “The longer that I know her the more I think she’s probably not gonna.”

[Winterra]:  Apprehensively  “Mmm…”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just side eyes the daggers that are just constantly like on Saithe’s belt and like in the places Terra has seen her pull them out of hiding from.”

[Caitie]:  “There’s a lot of hiding places.”

[Drew]:  “I will say, I feel like Saithe is like that one character that’s in every movie where like they go into like some kind of tavern where they’re like- all right you have to get rid of your weapons.  And like everyone disarms but like that one character takes like 20 minutes longer than everyone else because they’re taking out like 40 knives and then someone gives them a look of like come on now all of your weapons and they-”

[Christina]:  “I’m pretty sure we made this equivalency in a Peek Behind the Screen once.”

[Caitie]:  “You remember – you remember the beach day she had at least 3 daggers on her on the beach day.”

[Jordan]:  Surprised  “That’s it??”

[Caitie]:  “At least.”

[Christina]:  Chuckling and reiterating  “At least.”

[Caitie]:  “Where were they?  It’s a girl’s secret, you’ll never know.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m getting weird Pokemon flashbacks to that one girl who implies that she hides pokeballs…”

[Caitie]:  “Where do I keep my pokeballs! Heehee!”

[Drew]:  “Nope.”

[Caitie]:  “Woman’s secret!”

[Drew]:  “Nope!  I remember coming upon that and the first time I was a child I think, and so I was like this doesn’t register in my brain and I like replayed it later and I was like, oh…ohhhh! Okay I see what, in the vagina, alright.”

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