Episode 7: Political Agenda

The Agents split up with 2nd Chance to speak with Niavara, Seebo, and Granaphor and get the scoop on what each of them has planned as mayor. But can you really trust a politician?

Transcription

Political Agenda

[[Intro Music Plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED!  Our Let’s Play DnD podcast featuring myself, Jordan Roman, your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master.  And as always I am joined by my fellow players.”

[Caitie]:  “Hi guys!  I’m Caitie and I play Saithe!”

[Christina]:  “Hey guys, I’m Christina and I play Winterra!”

[Drew]:  “And as always I’m Drew and I’ll be playing the Good Doctor Arlo Agon.”

[Jordan]:  “So I just noticed this weird habit that I have whenever we do our intro –  I will always, after I say ‘fellow players’ I will motion my hand as if I’m actually pointing to someone.”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Christina]:  “Aw.”

[Jordan]:  “Which is a weird thing to do considering the next person in the line is a state away.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.  That’s true.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “Wow.”  

[Jordan]:  “I don’t know why I do that.”

[Christina]:  “We’re all close at heart.”

[Jordan]:  “In my mind you’re right here, you annoying little pain in my ass.”

[Caitie]:  “I love you too.”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Jordan]:  “Aw, I’m almost touched.”

[Caitie]:  “But not in a bad way.”

[Jordan]:  “On…that…note..?  How about a recap of what happened last time.  So last time, Winterra and Arlo awoke to discover Saithe’s furry new friend – a mysterious black cat that she had named Modi.  Despite questioning her as to where and how she got the cat, Saithe insisted she had always had it and ran off merrily towards breakfast with Arlo assaulting her with a barrage of feline related questions along the way.  After eating their fill, the Agents were called into Raiann’s office to be debriefed on their next assignment.  They, alongside the team Second Chance, were to go to the town of Silverymoon to investigate one of the mayoral candidates for the upcoming election.  The candidate in question was a beholder named Granaphor.  Without interfering with the election, the teams needed to ascertain whether Granaphor was using the election as a front for something more nefarious or if he truly meant well with his campaign promise to create equality for all races.  The Agents went on a quick shopping spree to add to their ever growing magical arsenal.  Among those items were Saithe’s cloak and boots of elvenkind, Arlo’s upgrade to his magic warhammer, and Winterra’s ring of mind shielding – the latter of which seemed to contain the soul of a man named Pindleton.  Preparing for the journey ahead, the Agents and Second Chance made their way to Silverymoon to begin their investigation.  Once there, they were shocked to see a large presence of yuan-ti.  Despite this, the group decided to split up to speak with each of the mayoral candidates.  Arlo and Rhelynn were to speak with Niavara Yaeldrin, Winterra and Forngal were to speak with Seebo Leffery, and Saithe and 7 were to speak with Granaphor himself. As they all split off, Arlo felt a poke at his ankle and saw a bipedal pufferfish with an advertisement for ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.’  And so, we resume our tale!   

[[Music stops]]

[Jordan]:  “Arlo you have just picked up this flyer for Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern and similar to when-”

[Drew]:  “Yep yep!”

[Jordan]:  “-and similarly to when Winterra received it from the jellyfish, the pufferfish turns around and dives into the ground as if it were water, and swims off.”

[Arlo]:  “Hm, neat!” 

[Drew]:  “Oh also, before I get into character – can we take a second to appreciate like how much is going on that like straight up there is a man trapped in Winterra’s ring and we’ve had to put that on the backburner to just deal with all the other weird shit going on.”

[Jordan]:  “There’s a lot of shit that happened last time that’s just kind of thrown to the wayside!”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah no, Saithe this whole time has been like, um are we just gonna ignore the fact that there’s this crazy dragon guy that is still out there somewhere?  No?  Just me, kay cool.”

[Jordan]:  “Real quick though, I did just realize I needed to mention this really really fast – for this day, since Saithe had last time had her coffee, she is still under the effect of the haste spell until her next short or long rest the former of which will give her a point of exhaustion.

[Caitie]:  “Woot.”

[Jordan]:  “And also since you all had a hearty breakfast, made by Orilo, you all also have a d10 of bardic inspiration to use whenever you see fit.”

[Caitie]:  “Ayyye.”

[Drew]:  “Yeeteth”

[Christina]:  “Oh sweet.”

[Jordan]:  “Forgot to mention that last time but fortunately you haven’t really rolled since then so – no harm.”

[Caitie]:  “No harm no foul.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo you hear Rhelynn who did not notice any of this and is just walking like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Arlo are you coming or not?” 

[Arlo]:  “I’m right behind ya, let’s get on it!”

[[Harp music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “You guys head on over to the grand archives where you know that Niavara is more often than not, to be found.  She was the apprentice of the original head of the town and so she tends to spend her time there keeping tabs on all the magical going ons as well as preserving the town’s history.  When you go there, you see that there are several people around.  The archives are almost like a public library slash museum of sorts, where there’s several books and artifacts on display and so you’ll see a lot of people from the town are sort of looking, there’s some tourists there, but there’s also an oddly large population of the aforementioned yuan-ti who are also looking around.  Primarily at the artifacts. But you do happen to see one person in particular who is reading a book a little bit closer to the back, who based on your briefing you would know to be Niavara.”

[Drew]:  “So I think Arlo would uh, kind of recognize her and kind of size up the situation to make sure it’s like safe to – having recently learned how to…a little bit better approach people he’s gonna size up the situation to be like ‘oh you know, I could probably approach this person’ and then kind of swing on through and he’s gonna tip his hat and introduce himself like,”

[Arlo]:  “Hello there friend, how’re you doing today?”

[Niavara]:  “Oh!  Hello there!  I don’t believe I’ve met you before.  Are you new in town?”

[Arlo]:  “Uh, you could say that.  I’m here on business.  Name’s Arlo.  Dr. Arlo Agon-”

[Niavara]:  “Ah!”

[Arlo]:  “-pleasure.”

[Niavara]:  “The pleasure is all mine.”

[Jordan]:  “So Rhelynn also comes up and also extends a hand and says-”

[Rhelynn]:  “And my name is Rhelynn.  I’m also here on the same business as the doctor here.”

[Jordan]:  “And Niavara says-”

[Niavara]:  “Oh, and what business is that pray tell?”

[Arlo]:  “Oh, we’re just conducting a little bit of uh…let’s call it an investigation going on as far as this here election is concerned.  We just kind of want to know some general things about yourself.  You know we know the generalities of the platform you’re running on but uh…anything strange going on in town as of late, as far as the election is concerned?”

[[Music switches to slow and ominous music]]

[Jordan]:  “Uh, as you say that, Niavara kind of starts looking around like almost nervously and says-”

[Niavara]:  “I’m not sure this is a great conversation to be having here.  Um, would you like to accompany me to my office in the back maybe?”

[Drew]:  “Can I do like an insight vibe check to make sure this isn’t like…a hella trap?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, yeah do it.”

[Drew]:  “13 plus 6, so that’s 19.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, you can kinda get the vibe she’s referring to the yuan-ti presence and that she’s trying to say that in order to avoid prying eyes and any potential eavesdropping.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of silently nods and is like – alright – and kind of goes along with her.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright so she leads you to the back of the archives and into a private office, and as she does she sort of locks the door behind her and says-”

[Niavara]:  “I’m terribly sorry about that. I just…”  Sighs  “…if you wanted to know something strange, yes there’s definitely been something strange besides just… There’s a beholder trying to become the mayor and he came with a horde of yuan-ti!   That’s extremely bizarre!  Nothing like that’s ever happened in the history of Silvermoon before.”

[Arlo]:  “I gotta be honest that sounds like something that’s happened in the history of ANY town.”  

[Niavara]:  “PRECISELY.  I mean – what’s even stranger is everyone seems to be pretty okay with it.  I mean, not at first, at first everyone was understandably concerned.  There was a beholder that just showed – I don’t think I need to tell you guys that beholders are extremely dangerous and volatile creatures! Lord only knows when that thing might go haywire what could happen to the people of this town. And it’s out there just acting all happy and like everything is fine and everyone else seems to be okay with it too. I…I like what he says!  But, he’s a BEHOLDER!”

[Arlo]:  “We understand the concern and it is…you know that concern is the reason that we are here.”

[Niavara]:  “You never did tell me who you were here on account of.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “We’re here representing DAMNED.”

[Niavara]:  “Oh!”

[Arlo]:  “Now, as you – as I’m sure you are aware we cannot directly interfere with this election and we have absolutely no intention of doing so.  But of course with the unusualness of the situation we do want to make sure that there’s nothing…ah, truly fishy going on.  We’re doing our due diligence to start out with this investigation making sure we’re giving everyone the benefit of the doubt – for all we know this is entirely on the up and up and maybe it’s just the winds of change a blowin’.  But, should things not be going the way that they should be for peace, that’s when we’d generally want to step in.  Right now we’re kind of just figuring out, ah, I guess what in sam hell is going on.”

[Niavara]:  “I see.  Well, it’s a little concerning to know this has already reached the ears of DAMNED.  But, I suppose as long as-”

[Arlo]:  “In fairness, most things reach our ears. We just…aren’t so showy about it.”

[Niavara]:  “A fair point I suppose.  Well, I can personally say that Seebo and myself are…we’ve been residents of this town for a very, very long time.  I myself was the apprentice of Alustriel Silverhand, the previous head of the town.  So if you have any questions at all you can come to either one of us about it.  And I do truly hope that you can figure out exactly what this beholder wants and if he means ill for the town or not.”

[Arlo]:  “Ma’am it is our absolute top priority.  Rest assured we will make sure everything going on in this town is fine and dandy.”

[Niavara]:  “Did you have any other questions for me?”

[Drew]:  “Arlo looks to his partner and kind of gives ‘em a head nod of ‘eh you know, like you got anything to throw in here bud?’”       

[Jordan]:  “Rhelynn kind of shakes her head.  Like she feels like for like an initial head to head she’s – you guys have definitely gotten her opinion on the matter and without…like there’s not a whole lot you can do without getting too political which is the thing you’re not allowed to do so…she thinks you’ve done, like she thinks you’re good.”

[Drew]:  “Alright.”

[Arlo]:  “We’re good for now, like I said, just doing I suppose if we’re going to use political terms, doing some initial canvassing.   But um, if any information comes to light or if you feel as though something fishy’s going on or even if you feel as though you might be in danger because of your involvement with the election, come to see us and y’know we’ll help you to the best of our ability.”

[Niavara]:  “Well, I do thank you for that.  And I wish you all the best of luck.”

[Jordan]:  “She does a little curtsy.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo tips his hat and says-”

[Arlo]:  “I appreciate that ma’am, I really do.”

[Jordan]:  “As you both head out, Niavara puts a hand on your shoulder and leans in really close and whispers-”

[Niavara]:  “Be very careful around the yuan-ti, they’re manipulators and cannot be trusted. 
Please, stay safe.”

[[Music changes to upbeat town music]]

[Jordan]:  “So now we cut over to Winterra and Forngal.  You guys are heading over to a rather large building.  Probably one of the larger ones, second only to the grand archives themselves, a place known as the Magical Improvement of Quality and Life. For lack of better descriptions it looks like a large factory building.  You know that this is where Seebo tends to be located.  Prior to his involvement in the election, he was the head of the guild and tends to try and help innovate magic through scientific means.  So he himself is a known artificer and tries to create various magic mechanics as well as just discovering new magics. So when you get up to the door it is this GINORMOUS metal door, you don’t see any immediate ways of opening it but you do see what appears to be a blue crystal embedded into the wall next to the door.”

[Christina]:  “Hm.  Interesting.  Winterra kind of sizes up the door, and then just kind of looks around and notices the blue crystal and looks at it kind of quizzically and then turns to her partner and is like-”

[Winterra]:  “Have you ever seen anything like that before?”

[Forngal]:  “I’m not gonna lie, I really don’t have any idea what any of this is.  I usually just let Rhelynn and 7 take care of all this stuff. I’m not…I’m more of a nature guy.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Oh no we’re fucked.”

[[Christina continues laughing and Drew joins in]]

[Forngal]:  “Hold on, I think I have an idea.”

[Drew]:  “This is the worst team composition I’m so sorry.”

[Jordan]:  Amused “The nature people are going to check out the tech guy, this will go wonderfully.”

[Christina]:  Still laughing  “Okay…”

[Drew]:  “Oh fuck I didn’t even realize what I’d done.”

[Jordan]:  “Good job leader!  You’ve done good!”

[Christina]:  “Okay, this is great.  Alright.”

[Jordan]:  “So Forngal goes over to the blue crystal and with his claw he just starts like poking at it.”

[[Christina laughs harder before finally being able to stop]]

[Forngal]:  “Hellllooooooo?  Anyone theeeeeere?”

[[Drew laughs and Christina’s paused laughter starts up again]] 

[Jordan]:  “And much to your surprise! You hear-”

[Voice]:  “Hello?”

[Forngal]:  “Whoooooa.” 

[Winterra]:  “Oh!  It worked!”

[Forngal]:  “I think I’m actually good at this!”

[Winterra]:  “Mhm!”

[Christina]:  “Winterra gets a little closer to it, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  Stretched “Hellooooo.  We are looking for Seebo.”

[Voice]:  “That would be me.  Can I help you?”

[Winterra]:  “Hi!  We…just want to ask some questions…um, if you have some time?”

[Seebo]:  “Oh yes!  Of course!  Please, come on in!”

[Jordan]:  “And as he says that, the doors begin to open and it’s one of those opens where the building itself shakes, dust kind of like falls off, and it just really creaks open.  Like a very powerful door opening if you will.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm.  That’s weird.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s me being extra it’s not that weird.”  

[Christina]:  Giggles  “No, that’s like Terra, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “That’s…weird.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh okay, that’s fair.”

[[Music shifts to fast tempo flute music]]

[Jordan]:  “As you two go in, you see all manner of things that just look completely foreign to you. You see what look like people made of metal hanging from the ceilings, all sorts of weird glass tubes with weird things inside them.  Some of them look like weird liquids, others like little balls and squares and other weird shapes.  Some of them even look like they have the elements itself inside of them.  There’s all sorts of weird gadgets and technology that neither you nor Forngal have ever seen before and your – I imagine you’re both just kind of slack jawed at this point.”

[Christina]: “Yeah, so you know that face when they’re listening to someone talk and they’re smiling ‘cause they want to sound interested but they’re also like grimacing, they’re like ‘ohhh, uh-huh…’”

[Jordan]:  “Oh so when I talk to people, yes!”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, that’s the face that she’s got. She’s looking at it all, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Ohh…This is…neat.  I just learned a lot about modern…times…and NONE OF THIS looks familiar to me.”

[Drew]:  “Go go gadget, uncomfortable.”

[Jordan]:  “So as you are taking in – everything – from the ceiling you actually see what looks like a small older gnome, just jump off of the rafters up top, and then some weird device on his back starts emitting smoke in like a powerful plume, and before he hits the ground he sort of like starts floating gently, and then the device turns off and he just kind of like flunks down.”

[Seebo]:  “Ah! Ooph, glad that worked!  That would have been really bad if it didn’t!  So, how can I help you!”

[Winterra]:  Quietly  “If it didn’t…work?”  Normally “Oh, uh-hi! Um, my name’s Terra, um-”

[Seebo]:  “Ah, Seebo!”

[Winterra]:  “Nice to meet you! Um, weee are passing through town, um, and we noticed that there is some…um…interesting things going on and we just want to ask, because we know that you’re running in this election, what like your thoughts on everything are?” 

[Jordan]:  “Winterra, as you’ve been saying this, you notice that Seebo’s not listening to what you’re saying so much as he looks like he’s almost like investigating you and Forngal.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Like he’s like looking you guys over very quizzically.” 

[Seebo]:  “Yes- erhm sorry – are you by chance from the forest to the south of here?”  

[Winterra]:  “I am, he’s not-”

[Jordan]:  “His eyes LIGHT up the second you say that.”

[Seebo]:  “Ooooh, yes excellent!”

[Christina OOC and as Winterra]:  “Uhhhh….”

[Jordan]:  “He gets right up on you very quickly, pulls out a measuring tape and just starts taking all sorts of crazy notes while mumbling to himself.”

[Caitie]:  “Yiiiikes…”

[Christina OOC and as Winterra again]:  “Uhhhh!!!”

[Seebo]:  Quickly to himself “Ah yes yes… and the build, yes yes yes…I see you have ooh good magic ooh yes..”  Loudly but quickly to Winterra “Would you by chance be interested in helping me with something young lady?” 

[Christina]:  “Uh…she kind of looks to Forngal like-”

[Drew]:  “Christina blow your whistle!”  

[[All laugh loudly]]

[Christina]:  Still laughing  “She looks to Forngal with a look of ‘What am I supposed to do!!?’  Like she’s just-”

[Jordan]:  “Forngal is just sitting there slack jawed like SO unsure of what has been happening.”

[Winterra]:  “What…what..?  I’m so confused…”

[Seebo]:  “Are you a druid?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes.”

[Seebo]:  “I knew it! I have something that may – I’m sorry where did you say you were from again? You said you were here for something, from where?  I’m sorry.”     

[Winterra]:  “Oh, well we’re with DAMNED.”

[Seebo]:  Gasps “Hold on… DAMNED operatives tend to operate in groups of three, and there’s only two of you.  Where’s the rest, where’s your third member?”

[Winterra]:  “Well um, we are going and talking to different people.  Um…I know one of my other party members is talking with…oh what is her name…um it starts with an ‘N’…”

[Seebo]:  “Niavara?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes!  That’s her, uh-huh!”

[Seebo]:  “Is this ally of yours by chance also a magic user?”    

[Winterra]:  “Mmm….y-yes…yes he is.” 

[Christina]:  “She has to think about it for a second ‘cause she’s only like – she’s seen him use magic but she’s like, magic potions…healing…yes he has!” 

[Jordan]:  “Do you say those things out loud?”

[Christina]:  “No- not like the potions part.  But she does kind of look up as she’s thinking those things and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Yes he does.”

[Seebo]:  “What kind of magic does he do by chance, is he one of the people who likes to make…to blow things up?  Is he a healer by chance, it’d be really good if he was a healer, I could use one of those.” 

[Christina]:  “Ummmmmm…mmm…”  Sighs  

[Jordan]:  “You have seen him heal people already so-”

[Christina]:  “No I know, that’s not what I am thinking of, she’s…hold on I’m trying to decide if she’d be quick witted enough to think of something like this, hold on-”  

[Jordan]:  Amused “Okay”         

[Christina]:  “No she’s not, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Yep, he’s a healer!”

[Seebo]:  “Ooooooooohhh!  All right!  Could I by chance interest you in having you and this other ally of yours come by at some point later to help me ah…test some new equipment that I have that requires very specific magic users to attune to them.  It would be extremely beneficial to my research and I would be willing to compensate you for it!”      

[Winterra]:  “What’s the research?”

[Seebo]:  “Well as I’m sure you’ve no doubt gathered-”

[Jordan]:  “And he sort of motions to everything around him.”

[Seebo]:  “I am an inventor, I like to create things that help make people’s lives easier! That can even enhance other magic users’ already latent magical capabilities.  And I just so happen to have a few devices I am working on.  One that requires druidic magic, one that will require a healer, and one that really can work for just any magic user.  I don’t suppose – I suppose I could use another druid but I’d rather it be someone…not if possible.  No offense friend.”

[Jordan]:  “And Forngal says-”

[Forngal]:  “Hey none taken man, I have no idea what you’ve said for the last ten minutes.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Whatever he is on, I want some.”

[[Christina laughs harder]]

[Caitie]:  “Right!!”

[Jordan]:  “Seebo or Forngal?”

[Drew]:  “Yes.”

[[Jordan joins Christina laughing, followed by Caitie]]

[Christina]:  Composing herself “Oh my goodness.  Yeah- Terra’s like…Terra’s barely keeping up with what’s going on around her, she’s like catching the gist of the conversation but she’s still like very overwhelmed.  It’s like when you put a laser pointer in front of a cat.  She’s like-”  Feigns gasping

[Jordan]:  “Only instead of a laser it’s words she doesn’t understand.”

[Christina]:  “She’s doing her best!  She is trying!  Yeah, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Well…I would have to ask him – if he’s okay with it.  Because I don’t want to make decisions for anyone else. Um-”

[Seebo]:  “No, no, no- that’s perfectly understandable I completely understand that one. But again, I need to make it clear I would definitely make it worth your time – please.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh, well I’ll ask him.  Um, but while we’re here,  do you mind if we ask some stuff about what your thoughts are about everything that’s been going on in the town?”

[Seebo]:  “Oh yes, you did say you had some actual business with me didn’t you?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes!”

[Seebo]:  “Sorry I tend to get a little absorbed in my work.  Um-”

[Winterra]:  “That’s okay.”

[Seebo]:  “Are you referring to the election specifically or something well…more specific?”

[Christina]:  “She narrows her eyes a little bit and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Yes.”                 

[Seebo]:  “I’m really not sure how to answer that from there.  I feel like you kind of didn’t answer my question so I can’t answer yours.”

[Christina]:  Giggles “She’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Mmm…So I don’t – we don’t want to get involved in anything that’s going on in the election.  We’re just trying to figure out overall thoughts on y’know, certain electoral runners that may not have been in the town before…”

[Seebo]: “Ahhh, I think I see what you’re getting at.  Well let me be the first to tell you, while she does have her head up her ass a little bit, Niavara is still a good person and I think she is a good candidate.”

[[Drew and Caitie simultaneously]]

[Caitie]:  “God…oh my god.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my god.  This man.”

[Winterra]:  “Okay…and what about the other person that’s running?  What do you think about them?  Uh, what’s his name…”

[Seebo]:  “Oh, Granaphor?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes, that one!”

[Seebo]:  “Hm, seems fine.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh!”

[Seebo]:  “The people seem to like him.  I have no issues with him.  He has a good platform, hasn’t hurt anyone so, who am I to judge?” 

[Winterra]:  “Very true…very true.”

[Seebo]:  “Hell, I’m pretty sure my experimentation has caused more injuries in this town than Granaphor has.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh…”

[Seebo]:  “Accidental, to be sure!  Not intentional.”

[Drew]:  “That…that’s not good!  That’s not a good thing!” 

[Winterra]:  “Is…is it the same experimenting that you want help with?”

[Seebo]:  “Oh, nonononono!  I assure you, the experimentation I require your assistance would be much much safer.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh…okay…”      

[Seebo]:  “And we do take precautions on this so if you do get injured, no one ever walks out of here injured, they always leave with a happy smile on their faces and all their bones mended back where they’re supposed to be…I think.”  

[[Drew laughs]]

[Christina]:  “You think?”  Laughs with Drew

[Drew]:  Reiterating “And all their bones back where they’re supposed to be I think.”   

[Christina]:  “She’s just nodding she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Okay, that sounds good.  Um, hm…I don’t think there’s anything else. I don’t have anything else.  That’s the gist of it!  Okay, well I’ll ask my friend about your question, um, are you always generally here? Or is there a time that you are not in this-?”

[Seebo]:  “Unless I’m out campaigning, I’m usually here.  Especially since I’m not really allowed to leave the town otherwise I’d potentially give up my slot in the election.  I’d rather not do that!  Normally I would be out and about doing research and all that stuff, but again, hands are kind of tied right now so I’m usually here unless I’m trying to get votes.”

[Winterra]:  “I see.  Um, by…okay, well…huh!  Alright, well we’ll find you here I guess if he says yes.”

[Seebo]:  “Ooh, and I sure hope he – again, if you can also find a third magic user, that would be immensely helpful.  But bare minimum, you and the healer would be just so, so wonderfully helpful.”

[Winterra]:  “Definitely.  I’ll see what he says.”

[Seebo]:  “Excellent!”

[[Music changes back to a slower drum heavy town music]]

[Jordan]:  “And so with that we will now cut over to Saithe and 7.  Now this one’s going to be a little bit trickier just because unlike the first two, Granaphor’s not like from here.  He just kind of came in about a week ago and – er, not a week I’m sorry, like a month and-”

[Drew]:  “‘Bout a week ago, week ago.”

[Jordan]:  “Shut up.  And so as for where you would be likely to find him, you’re not entirely sure.  But just through kind of listening in on people’s conversations, you hear that he’s more than likely, like he can be found near the hotel where people usually tend to gather.”

[Saithe]:  “So!  What is our plan of action 7?”  

[7]:  “I suppose we find Granaphor and try and hm…perhaps bluffing him out to see if we can get a reaction out of him might be an effective way and should he decide to act upon his more violent impulses, we take him down as needed – no wait that’s interfering we can’t do that…”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Saithe]:  “And you would die!” 

[7]:  “Speak for yourself.”

[Saithe]:  “I mean, I didn’t plan on being disintegrated today.”

[7]:  “Then dodge.”

[Saithe]:  Sighs

[Drew]:  “This guy sucks!”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Yeah Saithe…Saithe hates him.”

[Drew]:  “We hadn’t really heard anything from him, I was like, I wonder what 7’s gonna be like.  And he just started talking and I was like, oh, he’s the worst.  Cool.”

[[Christina chuckles again]]

[Caitie]:  “Oh…oh god…”

[Jordan]:  “Look, they can’t all be Forngal.”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Saithe]:  “Right, um…we know he favors people who are considered less than people, so perhaps we should play towards that a little bit?”

[7]:  “Hm…yes…that may not be a bad idea.   Then when he lets his guard down we can – no, stop that 7, bad, don’t do that.” 

[Saithe]:  “What is your problem!?  I mean, I’m an assassin!”

[7]:  “Oh me too.”

[Saithe]:  “I love murder, but that is NOT the reason we’re here.”

[7]:  “I also am an assassin and love killing people.”  Pauses  “Perhaps we were the wrong people to do this.”

[Saithe]:  “Definitely.  I mean, I can read in every language, they probably should have just sent me to the archives.”

[7]:  “That would have made much more sense.”

[Saithe]:  “Alright, we’re moving on.  Moving on!  Let’s get this over with.”

[[Music shifts again to slower string music]]

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so as you are having this conversation, just out of the corner of your eye, you see what looks like a giant floating ball of meat, with a snake person next to it.”

[Caitie]:  “She’s gonna put her hand up, like stop talking.”

[7]:  “Why, what’s the- oh.”

[Saithe]:  “Hello Mr. Granaphor!”

[Jordan]:  “So as you go over to him, he turns around and you are just greeted by this GLARING eye.  And he goes-”

[Granaphor]:  “Ugh…grrr…GRAH!  Oh, god I’m terribly sorry about that!  Allergies!  Hi!  How can I help you?”

[[Music shifts to fast tempo drum music]]

[Saithe]:  “No worries sir!  Honestly, we were coming to check in on this neighborhood. I’m noticing a high number of happy customers around.”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh yes, I know I love this town. I just came here recently but it’s so warm and inviting.  Isn’t that right Sisava?”

[Jordan]:  “And the snake person next to him who just to clarify, yuan-ti have various appearances, some of them look almost human, some of them have snake parts in places where human parts would normally be-”

[Drew]:  “Degrees of sneeple.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “-this is one of those ones.  Uh, yeah well this one in particular has instead of legs a snake tail, but otherwise a human torso.”

[Drew]:  “Ah, the long boi.” 

[Jordan]:  “The long boy, yes.” 

[Saithe]:  “I really have to say, being somebody who gets an awful lot of glares, I haven’t received an awful lot while being here.  I have to assume that’s your doing!”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh well I…I mean I’m still only running for the position, I haven’t gotten it yet.  That being said, I can’t imagine why someone like you would get disapproving glares, you seem like such a nice young lady grahhhh…”

[Caitie]:  “She pulls down her mask.”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh what a pretty smile you have!” 

[Saithe]:  “Well thank you!  Most people think it’s creepy!” 

[Granaphor]:  “Well most people just don’t understand others who have an appearance different from their own.”  Vocalizes monstrously  

[Saithe]:  “Exactly. May I ask?  I’d like to know more about your campaign position.  I know so far how passionate you are about species that aren’t exactly approved in normal society.”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh yes of course! Well how could I not be?  If it wasn’t for my friend Sisava over here, I would be a dead man-”  monstrous sound “-you see I was actually taken in by this particular group of yuan-ti, oh about a year ago.  I’d…I don’t know how much you’re familiar with my kind, but we tend to be…well…we have a little bit too much going for us.  We’re almost too perfect in some ways.  And sometimes, if we’re not careful we can accidentally split off and make another version of ourselves.  I’m actually one of those…my original form was just the moulding for greater perfection and the battle was indeed difficult but I did manage to come out on top and after wandering for a bit I found the yuan-ti village and they took care of me, healed me back to full health, and I decided since they were also outcasts-”  Monstrous vocalizing  “-that it would be beneficial to see if we could integrate ourselves into a normal society where we are accepted as opposed to being treated as outcasts.”  More vocalizing

[Saithe]:  “I appreciate that sentiment sir!  I won’t be too much in the way, as I can’t get involved in the election. However, I do wish to speak with you more in the future.”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh I would certainly enjoy that!  Though if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly did you mean by you can’t get involved?”

[Drew]:  High pitched quietly  “Noooooooooo”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  We’re not from this city!”

[Drew]:  Under his breath “Oh thank god.”

[Saithe]:  “I don’t feel as though I deserve to um…I can’t have a vote, if I do not plan on staying.”

[Jordan]:  “As you say that you notice that Granaphor’s main eye, as well as several of his stalk eyes are like violently twitching. And Sisava actually pulls an amulet out from under his cloak, and sort of waves it near Granaphor, and as he does, the amulet lights up and Granaphor looks like he just calms way down.”

[Granaphor]:  Gruffly  “Oh…”  Normally “Whew – thank you Sisava, I appreciated that.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m…sorry.  I hope I didn’t upset you!”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh nononono.  You are quite fine my dear.  That’s just a beholder thing.  As I said, sometimes we’re a bit…mmm… much even for ourselves!  That’s why I have Sisava here as my advisor. He helps calm me down.”

[Saithe]:  “He seems like he is a truly great advisor then!”   

[Granaphor]:  “Oh indeed!  I don’t know where I would be without him!  Isn’t that right Sisava?”                

[Jordan]:  “And Sisava nods and says-”

[Sisava]:  “Indeed sire. Shall we be on our way?  We have more…people we wish to speak with.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes!  I apologize for holding you up!  Thank you for taking the time to speak to two humble tieflings.”

[Granaphor]:  “Oh of course, anytime!  Especially for someone who supports the cause!  I don’t believe I ever caught your name by the way!”  

[Saithe]:  “You may call me Saithe!”

[Granaphor]:  “It is truly a pleasure to meet you Saithe! I look forward to speaking with you again in the future.”

[Music shifts back to calmer town music]]

[Jordan]:  “At about this time, all of you reconvene back in front of the hotel to get an idea on what your next move should be and to compare notes.  I would say it’s now about like, getting into evening, about dinner time for most people.”

[Drew]:  “So we’ve all reconvened?”

[Jordan]:  “Yep!  You and Second Chance are all in one big group.”

[Christina]:  “Wait, wait, wait!  Can I say that as we’re entering like Terra is like talking to uh…what’s his name, is it Ferngul?”

[Jordan]:  “Forgal”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, um, and she’s like looking over at him and she’s holding her stomach and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “I’m SO hungry.  I don’t know about you, but I’m STARVING.”

[Forngal]:  “I think I can help with that!”

[Jordan]:  “And he like reaches into his mane sort of scratches and then pulls out a mushroom.”                           

[[The players laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Oh my god.”

[Christina]:  “Uh…does she recognize the type of mushroom that it is?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll nature.”

[Christina]: “ Um…10.”

[Jordan]:  “Doesn’t look poisonous.”   

[Christina]:   “Hm…” 

[Jordan]:  “Though you’re also not aware of any mushrooms that grow out of shifter fur.”

[Drew]:  “Forngal’s over here like ‘you can’t be hungry if you’re orbiting in fucking Saturn bro.’” 

[[All laugh]] 

[Winterra]:  “Well it doesn’t look poisonous, but I’ve never seen a mushroom like that. Where’d you find it?”

[Forngal]:  “Oh, I grew it.”  

[Winterra]:  “You grew it?  That’s so interesting.”

[Christina]:  “And she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Hm… I do like mushrooms.”

[Christina]:  “And she reaches for it.”

[Jordan]:  Amused “Do you eat it?”

[Christina]:  “Against my better judgement.”  Laughs

[Jordan]:  “Tastes alright.”

[Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, you guys are now all together now that…that…has happened.  So glad we made time for that.”

[Christina]:  “Yes, you’re welcome.”

[Drew]:  “Yes.”

[[Jordan chuckles]]

[Arlo]:  “Alright everybody! How’d- er, how’d our recon go?”

[Saithe]:  “I feel as though we should find a less public place to speak on this.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah that is…probably a good plan.  Also it is getting to be around dinnertime.  Who wants some of my famous jambalaya?” 

[Rhelynn]:  “Um…”

[Jordan]:  “And Rhelynn’s the one speaking up-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Actually I think it might be a good idea to try and get a little more information while we take care of this.  Um, I know there’s some good places to eat around town.  What if we have each of our individual teams, like Second Chance and The Agents…of DAMNED, uh head off to different taverns and then we can try and hear what the people are saying while we also get our fill! And then we can meet up in our rooms and discuss things in private. Because I will admit I am also quite hungry.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh wait, now that I’m thinking about somewhere to eat, we do know of a place that is THE BEST place to get a bite to eat anywhere.”

[Saithe]:  “Is it Big Betty’s?”

[Rhelynn]:  “Huh, well I suppose that you guys can take that one and then we can go elsewhere!  And we’ll reconvene later.  That sound good?”  

[Arlo]:  “I mean, you don’t want to come and eat with us?”

[Rhelynn]:  “A-again, I feel like this is sort of what you were saying when we first got here.  Where we can split up and cover more ground- again, we can listen in on what the people are saying and see if we can just hear the people’s opinion now that we’ve kind of got an idea on what the candidates themselves are about.  And then sort of see if we can come up with a big plan for tomorrow afterwards once we’re back at our rooms.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean, are you sure? Like…like you don’t realize what you’re missin’ out on.  This is Big Betty’s Wanderin’ Tavern.  Do you see how excited Saithe is?  Saithe hates EVERYTHING, she is amped, she is jazzed about like going to eat here.  Are you sure you want to miss out on that?”

[Caitie]:  “She’s literally shaking. She is just honestly so excited.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “I mean she’s like bouncing up and down, like she’s-”

[Drew]:  “I’m imaging Saithe is like vibrating-”

[Jordan]:  “Is she like bouncing on her tail?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes!  She’s – yes!  She is indeed sitting on her tail, like her feet are up in the air and she’s just bouncing up and down.  Like she’s just that excited.”

[Drew]:  “Is Saithe ‘tigger-ing’ right now?!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god she’s tigger-ing.  That’s exactly what’s happening!  She is tigger-ing.”    

[Drew]:  “The wonderful thing about Saithe, is that Saithe is a wonderful thing!” 

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[[All laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Oh my god.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my lord…”

[Arlo]:  “Like you see how excited Saithe is?  She only does that like when she’s going to Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern, or if she is definitely about to do a murder.   And I don’t think she’s about to do a murder right now.” 

[Saithe]:  “Not that I’m aware of!”

[Jordan]:  “Uhm, you see 7 put his dagger away looking dejected.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “But Rhelynn says-”

[Rhelynn]:  “I’m surprised you’re familiar with the local tavern around here.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh, it’s not local, it’s travelling!”  

[Rhelynn]:  “Riiight…”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Rhelynn]:  “Like I said, I think…we’ll pass on that one…and we’ll find somewhere…else.”

[Saithe]:  “Your loss!  Let’s go!”  

[Jordan]:  “So Second Chance kind of goes off, Rhelynn looking back at you all very concerned-

[[Christina and Drew chuckle]]

[Jordan]:  “-and you guys follow the directions to Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.”

[[Music changes to up tempo bagpipe/drum music]]

[Jordan]:  “So, just like before when you saw this place in Neverwinter, it is once again in what can only be described as the single most inconvenient place you could put a restaurant.  But still somehow works.  It looks like it was definitely blocking something off, however unlike Neverwinter which was full of buildings so it kind of made sense, this time it’s just kind of there for no reason even though there’s a ton of space around it that they could have also put it.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “Yo, now that I’m thinking about it, like, is Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern kind of like a food truck that is in town sometimes and so it’s got like that certain era of like niche erhm, fanbase where it’s like:  ‘Yo Big Betty’s is back in town.’  ‘Oh shit, Big Betty’s!’ And like it draws people in.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, I dunno.  You tried to figure that one out last time and didn’t roll too hot so you don’t know.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, I forgot.”

[Jordan]:  “Yup.  So you guys head in and, shocker, you are greeted by a familiar blue hag.”

[Betty]:  “Why hello there!  Welcome to Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern!  Table for three?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes please!” 

[Betty]:  “Wonderful!  Come this way!”

[Jordan]:  “And she takes you over to a table, you guys all sit down and she provides you with, similar to last time – uncomfortably damp menus.”   

[Caitie]:  “Perfect.”

[Jordan]:  “You may now all open the menus that I have sent you all.”

**Note, this menu can be found on our social media! Check out our facebook, instagram, or twitter for the link to this horrifically amazing menu Jordan created**

[Christina]:  “Yaaay!!”

[Drew]:  “Huzzah!!”

[Caitie]:  “Okay cool…oh there it is!”

[Christina]:  “Ooh, fish fingers..’what part of the fish is the fingers?’”  Laughs

[[Jordan starts dying of knowing laughter as we continue reading through this monstrosity[]

[Jordan]:  “So as you guys see, this has actually been divided up into three sections.  There are appetizers, entrees, and desserts, each one has its own correlating damage type associated with it that you will either get resistance or vulnerability to.  You may choose to have all three courses, you may choose to have only one course; however, you cannot have more than one of any specific course.  So-”

[Caitie]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “And each one requires its own roll…so.”

[Christina]:  “Mmm.  Okay, um first of all, fin chips upset me.  I hate them.”

[Jordan]:  Snickers  “Good. That was the point of this whole menu.” 

[Christina]:  “The other ones aren’t as bad.”

[Drew]:  “Okay, I’m seeing dark chocolate anchovies and even the description is saying ‘why just why.’”    

[[Christina and Jordan laugh]]

[Christina]:  “I’m sorry, did you not see krill parfait that says ‘high in protein, questionable in content’?!”

[Caitie]:  “Nah dude, krill parfait.”

[Jordan]:  “Don’t worry, for everyone listening I will be putting this up on the facebook and trusting my fellow players to put this up on our other social media so you can just partake in this majesty for yourselves.”

[Caitie]:  “The krill parfait, high in protein, questionable in content.      

[Christina]:  “There is some kind of meat that just says ‘probably!’” 

[Drew]:  Laughs “Probably?!”

[Caitie]:  “This is the best.”

[Drew]:  “This is on the menu, this is what I want my customers to see for the descriptions of food that they are getting. What’s in this?  I dunno, meat I guess?”

[Jordan]:  “Some shit, my personal favorite one is Fish.”

[[Drew and Caitie simultaneously]]

[Caitie]: “Just the fish, probably not even cooked.”

[Drew]:  “Just the fish, probably not even cooked.”

[[Caitie and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “You know she wrote this.  She wrote this to herself about herself about her food that she, you know her other personality is cooking.  Like is this a saying or honesty …what is happening right now??”

[Jordan]:  “She did this unironically too!  This is legitimate.”

[Christina]:  “Now also unironically,  Terra’s in love with the menu, just like as a base she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Fiiiiiiiish.”

[Jordan]:  “Good.”

[Caitie]:  “I know she’s probably looking at the Fish, Just Fish probably not even cooked.”

[Jordan]:  “Just the way mama used to make ‘em.”  

[Christina]:  “Yeah honestly that’s what I was thinking, that would make the most sense for her to just pick.”

[Caitie]:  “The House Special:  Honestly, nobody even knows.”

[Christina]: Giggles  “Hm…okay well… We don’t have the fancy drinks on here from last time!”

[Jordan]:  “Uh no the drink is just you order a drink and it is the same concept as last time.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “I may come up with a fancier drink menu but I’m not really sure how I can break that one down and have it still be saving throws.”

[Christina]:  “Mmm, okay.”

[Jordan]:  “So that one’s just ‘Do you want alcohol’ which if you recall, you all ordered different things last time and all got the same drinks. So…that one’s kind of just…”

[Caitie]:  “That’s fair.”

[Christina]:  “Do you drink?  Do you consume a liquid that is not a fish liquid.”

[Jordan]:  “Do you want water or to gamble.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “And even then the water may be a gamble.”

[Drew]:  “So I’m going through everything and it’s got that fancy font to it and I completely misread the ‘Sweety Puffy Bites’ and for a second, like for longer than I really should have thought, I thought it said ‘Sweety Puffy Bois’ and I was very confused.”

[[Jordan laughs loudly]]

[Drew]: “That seems out of character for Jordan, that is strange.”

[Christina]:  “It’s okay.  I was sitting here looking at ‘Cold’ reading ‘Gold.’ So it’s okay I was like what is gold damage?”

[Drew]:  “I was just like ‘Sweety Puffy Boys?’”

[Jordan]:  “Andrew thank you so much!  Holy shit!”

[Christina]:  “You know, that’s what we call pufferfish now, sweety puffer boys.”

[Jordan]:  “Just sweety puffy boys…  That’s who delivered the letter, a sweety puffy boy!”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Drew]:  “Can his name connonically be now, just sweety puffy boy?”

[Jordan]:  “If you ever run into him again!  If you recall it was a different thing than the first time.”

[Drew]:  “But I like sweety puffy boy, we bonded, we had a moment!”

[Jordan]:  “Er, okay sure.  If you ever run into that one again his name is sweety puffy boy.”

[[All players cheer]]  

[Christina]:  “He gives you resistance to Gold damage.”

[Jordan]:  “He gives you resistance to ‘Told’ damage.”

[Christina]:  “Um, yeah but I think oh gosh…I don’t even know…’cause canonically Terra’s hungry, um still, even though she ate a weird mushroom so I don’t know if she’s-”

[Jordan]:  “A whole mushroom.  Whole from a man’s hair.”

[Christina]:  “Uh-huh!  Only a little judgement there.”

[Jordan]:  “God, you’re probably one of those people who doesn’t get full from Bennigan’s honestly.”

[[Christina snickers]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh good, like our audience I got one laugh.”

[Caitie]:  “LMAO – get fucked.”

[Drew]:  “I’ve never been to Bennigan’s so the joke didn’t hit.”

[Caitie]:  “Same.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s a sampler that masquerades as a restaurant.”

[Christina]: “Has she come over and asked us the standard..?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh right, I’m sorry forgive me.”

[Betty]:  “Would you be ready to order?”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Jordan]:  “Forgive me for depriving you from the whole experience.”

[Christina]:  “I know how dare you.”

[Caitie]:  “How could you.”

[Betty]:  “Also would you like anything to drink?”

[Winterra]:  “Um…yes.  And.  I think…I want to eat the Fish and…also…mmm…hmmm….hm.  Just a lot of fish.”

[Betty]:  “So doubled up on fish?”

[Winterra]:  “Yes.  Fish.  Fish is good.”

[Betty]:  “Can do!  Who’s next?”

[Saithe]:  “I too am feeling rather hungry!  I think I’ll start off with the fish fingers, and then I’ll have the house special, and that’ll be it!”  

[Betty]:  “Would you like a drink to wash it all down?”

[Saithe]:  “Sure!  Surprise me!”

[Betty]:  “Oh that’s all we do here.  And for the big boy?”

[Arlo]:  “Well Betty, I think I’m also gonna go for those Fish Fingers and uh…hm, tell ya what I’m actually lookin’ at this Spicy Tuna Surprise and it’s lookin pretty good there.  I’ll uh, I’ll have some of that as well.”

[Betty]:  “Oh you mean the Spicy Suna Turprise?”

[Drew]:  “Oh it says Spicy Suna…”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Drew]:  “…what is a Suna?”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Wait no, what is a Suna??”

[[Everyone talks over each other here for a minute in excitement and jest]]

[Caitie]:  “Get it, it says ‘Spicy Suna Turprise!”

[Jordan]:  “It’s Spicy Suna Turprise!”

[Drew]:  Laughing but distraught “Why are you doing this to me??”

[[Jordan and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Is it because of all those ‘What that mouth do?’ jokes???”

[[Jordan laughs harder]]

[Drew]:  “Stop putting words in that are close to other words!!”

[Jordan]:  “No, I will not!  This menu is the most fun I’ve had in this fucking campaign for god knows how long, I’m going to enjoy it!”

[Drew]:  “All the people listening to this are going to be like, ‘can this motherfucker read?’ Like I can read!  I know stuff!”

[Jordan]:  “God, can’t you tell the difference between a weird cursive ‘S’ and a weird cursive ‘T’ god.”

[Drew]:  “I just saw it and my brain was like, that has to be a T.  It can’t be Suna.  You already fucked up and thought it was sweety puffy boys.  There’s no such word as SUNA!! 

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Have you ever been tested for dyslexia?”

[Drew]:  “I’m not answering that question.”

[Jordan]:  “She raises an excellent point.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “Not answering that.”

[Jordan]:  “So you’re going to have the spicy suna turprise?”

[Drew]:  “Yes, I’m going to have the spicy suna…turprise.”

[Christina]:  “Turprise…”

[Jordan]:  “Good boy.”

[Drew]:  “Now I know how Jordan feels all the time.”   

[Jordan]:  “You know my pain.”

[Christina]:  “Goodness.  Goodness gracious.  Golly gee oh my.”

[Betty]:  “Would you like a drink with that sir?”

[Arlo]:  “Ah no thank you, not tonight.  Tryin’ to keep sharp.”

[Betty]:  “Hm, very well.  I’ll be back in just a moment then.”

[Jordan]:  “And as she goes off, you hear from another table-”

[Man]:  “Hey Hag!  Bring me more ale, NOW!”

[Caitie]:  “Rude.”

[Drew]:  “Like you can hear Arlo in the distance like stand up from his table-”

[Arlo]:  “Who the fuck just disrespected Betty?”

[Saithe]:  “Arlo, not here.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, too late.”

[[Music changes to slow ominous music]]

[Jordan]:  “I was wondering which one of you was going to do it.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo as you stand up to look at the person who just yelled at Big Betty, this person turns around and you are once again face to face with the blond haired stranger in the black armor.”

[[Christina audibly gasps]]

[Christina]:  “Oh fuck!”

[Caitie]:  “Noy good!!!”

[Arlo]:  “Are you fucking serious right now.”

[Christina]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “As Ash makes eye contact with you, he smiles and says-”

[Ash]:  “Oh of course.  My mistake.” 

[Jordan]:  “And he grabs his plate and walks over to all of you.”

[Christina]:  “Oh god.”

[Jordan]:  “Sets it down at the table.  And sits.”  

[Arlo]:  “Well if it isn’t fuckboy supreme himself.”

[Christina]:  Sighs and closes a notebook in stress “Oh god.”

[Caitie]:  “Argh…”

[Ash]:  “I have to admit I wasn’t expecting to run into all of you here again.  How have you all been?” 

[Saithe]:  “I feel uncomfortable.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Ash]:  “Oh come now, we’re just friends having a chat, no need to be harsh about it.”

[Jordan]:  “Big Betty-”

[Saithe]:  “Winterra blow your whistle!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my christ…”

[Winterra]:  “What?”

[Jordan]:  “Big Betty comes back over with the drinks and Ash pulls out a platinum coin and gives it to her and says-”

[Ash]:  “Their meal’s on me tonight.  Treat them well.”

[Jordan]:  “And she takes it and is like-”

[Betty]:  “OH!  Thank you!”

[Saithe]:  “Okay.  But why?”

[Ash]:  Amused  “Like I said, we’re just old friends catching up.”

[Christina]:  “Terra’s fur, like hair and like everything is bristling.  Like, she doesn’t have a lot of regular like bear fur on her body like as a regular…regular shape, but the amount that she does is just on end.  Like she is uncomfortable and she’s pretty sure she’s angry but she’s trying to keep herself contained and she’s just got so many emotions right now.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is just going to put her hand on her shoulder.”

[Ash]:  “So.  What brings you all to the town of Silverymoon exactly?”

[Saithe]:  “We could ask you the same.”

[[There is a pause]]

[Saithe]:  “Why do I have a feeling you’re connected to this…discourse.”

[Ash]:  “Discourse?  Whatever are you talking about?  Everything is fine here, it’s a lovely little town!  Or do you have an issue with beholders trying to make the world a better place?”

[Arlo]:  “What we have an issue is, is your dumb face!”

[Ash]:  “I see you’re still as sassy as ever doctor.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo, as he says that it occurs to you, he has no idea what any of your names are.  So the fact that he knows you’re a doctor is concerning.”

[Arlo]:  “How the hell did you know I was a doctor?”

[Ash]:  “Hmp. Oh, I know a surprising amount about all of you now.  Arlo, Winterra, Saithe.”

[[Winterra growls]]

[Ash]:  “And it’s all thanks to you.”

[Jordan]:  “And he pulls out what looks like a glass ball, with a tube at the end of it, similar to what you all absolutely did not see at the end of the Neverwinter arc.  And he puts it down on the table and says-”

[Ash]:  “If not for you all interfering with my plans in Neverwinter, I never would have gotten such an in depth look at the organization you all work for.”

[Jordan]:  “And he turns to you Arlo and says-”

[Ash]:  “I really do have to thank you for supplying the scale used for the scry.”

[Arlo]:  “You weird creepo.  Did you keep one of my scales?”             

[Ash]:  “Well, you were the one who decided to take the hit.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean like seriously.  That’s like keeping someone’s lock of hair.  That’s…creepy and obsessive!”

[Winterra]:  “Or like a toenail or just a general nail.  Like why would you, that’s so…ew!”

[Arlo]:  “That’s gross dude!”                   

[Ash]:  “It was for the scrying spell I needed something.”

[Arlo]:  “That’s gross, you’re gross!  Ew.  What are you into?  Is that your kink man?”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Ash]:  “Not a kink, so much as just-”

[Arlo]:  “Hey look, I’m not here to kink shame you I mean I do generally dislike you, but I’m never going to kink shame you about your weird gross kink.”

[Ash]:  “I feel like you backhandedly are kink shaming me.”

[Arlo]:  “I dunno what you’re talking about fuckboy supreme.  Can we call you FBS for short, that’s a pretty long name to call you that all the time.”

[Ash]:  “You may call me whatever it is that you like.  Honestly I have no idea what you’re – what those words even mean but, if it makes you happy to refer to me as such then so be it!  You still haven’t answered my question as to why the three of you are here and I’ve done that for you.”

[Drew]:  “Can I roll a slight of hand?”

[Jordan]:  “To do what?”

[Drew]:  “To kind of like distract him and sort of like…I guess like turn on my speaking stone in my pouch.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, go ahead.”

[Drew]:  “Oh god.  Ah dammit those don’t count for ability checks do they?”

[Jordan]:  “What doesn’t?”

[Drew]:  “A crit.”

[Jordan]:  “Ah, well what’s your plus to it?”

[Drew]:  “Mmmmm…nothing.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Just a 20.”

[Drew]:  “It is a flat 20.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean that’s still really good.  As he is speaking to you all you already had one hand below the table so you just reach into your pocket as quietly as you can and activate the speaking stone. Who are you opening the channel to?”

[Drew]:  “To Raiann.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay.  He’s still waiting for an answer by the way.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright. You, you listen up.  We’re not here to answer your question, you’re here to answer ours now.  What are you doing here? How can you show your face after everything you did before?”

[Ash]:  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Neverwinter’s fine isn’t it?  You thwarted my plans.  Everything is fine.”

[Arlo]:  “Attempted genocide is – er I guess it wouldn’t be a genocide – attempted mass murder is still attempted mass murder dude! Super illegal.”

[Ash]:  “I suppose you have a point.  But I believe as I’ve already proven that’s sort of a hollow one since you can’t do anything about it.  Not directly anyway.  Though, you have brought up a fun idea that I do enjoy.  Alright, I’ll answer all of your questions.”

[Arlo]:  “Where the hell’d you come from?”

[Ash]:  “I…most recently have journeyed from Shadowfell.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm.”

[Ash]:  “After being there for quite some time.”

[Arlo]:  “Why is your hair so greasy?”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Ash]:  “I don’t bathe.”

[Arlo]:  “You don’t bathe?!”

[Ash]:  “No.”

[Arlo]:  “So you kept one of my scales to presumably do sexual things with and you also don’t bathe? Did you start not bathing because you got one of my scales and you were like ‘ah, I never want to wash this hand or my body again, ’cause that’s…you’re really making me uncomfortable man.  I’m flattered but like not interested.”

[Ash]:  “Again, as I have stated – the scale is for the scrying spell, I have since gotten rid of it.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra’s just looking back between the two of them like so confused she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “How’d we get this point in the conversation?”

[Christina]:  “She looks back at Saithe like what are we supposed to do?” 

[Caitie]:  “Saithe just like rolls her eyes.”

[Saithe]:  “How did you get to Elama?  Why did you pick her?”

[Ash]:  “I’m sorry, who?”

[Saithe]:  “The Thieves’ Guild girl.  The one that killed herself instead of-”  Pauses  “-instead of coming with us.”   

[Ash]:  “I remember now.  The sniveling coward.  It wasn’t very hard.  All I had to do was beat her around a little bit until she was…on death’s door.  And then I made her an offer.  Do as I say, or die.  She was pretty quick to agree to it as most sniveling worms are.  How was her death?”

[Saithe]:  “Less satisfying than yours will be.”

[Ash]:  “Hm.  Cute.  Is that all the questions you have for me?”

[Arlo]:  “I’m not gonna lie, I’m still stuck on the fact that you don’t bathe.  Why don’t you bathe?  Take a bath!”

[Ash]:  “I don’t see the point.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean this restaurant mostly serves fish and you’re the most pungent odor here.”

[Saithe]:  “Why Neverwinter? You didn’t appear to be interested in the money, you just seemed to want to destroy it.”

[Jordan]:  “As you say that, he starts to laugh to himself.”  

[Ash]:  “You know, that’s the thing with people like you that always amuses me.  You always ask why-  why, why, why.  Let me answer you with this.  Why not?  There is no reason it had to be Neverwinter. I just decided Neverwinter would be the most fun.  You’re right, I didn’t care for the money, it was means to an end.  That’s what I do.  I’m an Agent of Chaos who goes around and stirs up trouble, forcing people to turn against everything they think they know – and watching as everything crumbles from the ensuing chaos.  That’s why Neverwinter.”                       

[Arlo]:  “Why would you do something like that?”

[Ash]:  “Because my goddess commands it.”

[Saithe]:  “Your who now?”

[Ash]:  “Goddess child.  I am referring to the deities that rule this world.  Tell me, Arlo.  You yourself are a man of faith, yes?  Are you familiar with – Beshaba?”   

[Jordan]:  “And Arlo I need you to roll a religion check.”

[Drew]:  “13.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so you don’t know too, too much about Beshaba but you have heard the name. And you are aware at the very least that she is the goddess of misfortune.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m not terribly familiar but I do know the gist – Goddess of misfortune. But, even misfortune has a natural aspect to it.  It’s a regular part of life.  I can’t imagine you trying to force it is anything that that god would want.”

[Ash]:  “Oh my dear, dear doctor you misunderstand my role in this.  I’m not the one causing the misfortune, I am simply the one moving the pieces and watching what happens.”

[Arlo]:  “So who’s causing the misfortune?”

[Ash]:  “Everyone else.”

[Arlo]:  “You’re not making any sense.”

[Ash]:  “Alright, let’s take Neverwinter for example then.  When I went and made my arrangements with, Alpaca, whatever the hell her name was I don’t even really remember-”

[Arlo]:  “Her name was Elama and we had decided on calling her ‘Lama.”

[Ash]:  “Cute.  All I did was tell her to go against everything she thought she knew.  And then, I took a step back and watched as everything fell apart.  And even though the ultimate goal of Neverwinter’s destruction wasn’t met, it’s not that there wasn’t misfortune to be had.  Isn’t that right?”

[Arlo]:  “So what you’re telling me is that you don’t have any kind of overarching plan except to just make sure that everyone has a shit time?”

[Ash]:  “It is as my goddess commands.  And I am bound to her as her ever faithful servant.”

[Arlo]:  “Wow man, I’ve gotta tell you that is some next level assholery.”

[Ash]:  “Thank you.”

[Arlo]:  “Not a complement.”  

[Ash]:  “Not intended as a compliment.”

[Jordan]:  “And he stands up and says-”

[Ash]:  “Well not that this hasn’t been a pleasant conversation but I don’t want to interrupt your meal.”

[Arlo]:  “Well…I don’t think you’re well.  I don’t think you’re well friend.”

[Ash]:  “Is that a personal diagnosis or professional?”  

[Arlo]:  “A professional, actually let me write you a prescription.”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo produces a small notepad from his pocket.”

[Christina]:  Quietly “Oh god.”

[Drew]:  “And he jots it down.”

[Arlo]:  “So I’m gonna write you a prescription for one medium to large dick, to be taken orally, um, you’re gonna want to do that at least once in the morning and probably also again at night.  Really, you do need to keep up on that one so here, here you go, that’s for you.  Now you can get that filled at any pharmacy or in a back alley or wherever.  But yeah, one medium to large dick straight to the face.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my goodness.”

[Drew]:  “I just kind of do that thing where someone won’t take a paper so you just kind of slowly try to fold it into their chest pocket or something.  Or into any kind of opening in their clothing.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll sleight of hand.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “God dammit, that’s 10.”

[Jordan]:  “So as he leaves, he places his hand on your shoulder Arlo and says-”

[Ash]:  “Oh, one last thing before I leave.  Don’t get in my way again.  It was amusing the first time but, let’s just say the next time you decide to cross my path, I won’t be feeling quite as hospitable as I was today.”

[Jordan]:  “And he squeezes down on your shoulder, and despite the fact that you are wearing armor it is still concerningly painful.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo is kind of gritting his teeth through the pain and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “Grr, before this is over, I am gonna kick you in the dick, I promise you that.”

[Ash]:  “Not the smartest thing you could have said.”  

[Jordan]:  “And he walks off.”

[[Creepy music stops]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh, um, but before he did, as he was doing that – you did manage to slip the note into his pocket.”

[Drew]:  “YAAAAAAAYYYY!”

[Caitie]:  “LMAO!”

[Drew]:  “Symbolic victory!”

[[Bagpipe music resumes]]         

[Jordan]:  “At this point, Big Betty comes over and says-”

[Betty]:  “Alright, here’s your fo-where’d your friend go?”

[Arlo]:  “He had a prescription to fill.”

[Betty]:  “Oh, well.  Hope he’s well!”          

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Jordan]:  “And I think that’s where we’ll pause our story for now.”  

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “Oh god.”

[Christina]:  “I don’t like that fuckboy mcgee is so close to my home.”

[Jordan]:  Snickers  “‘Scuse you it’s fuckboy supreme.  If you’re going to be referencing Andrew’s dumb name at least get it right.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s fair.”

[Christina]:  Indignant  “I’m allowed to make up my own dumb name for him.”

[Jordan]:  Amused  “All various flavors of fuckboy.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, by the end of this I want him to have a long ass list of monikers all of which are calling him some degree of fuckboy or douche or whatever.  Like the earl of douchbaginnsberry or some shit.  Like I want to just pile it on.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[Drew]:  “I want a court marshalling where they’re listing all of his alias’ and they’re just all the mean things that we’ve called him over time that have caught on.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Yaaas queen.”

[Jordan]:  “I write session notes, you write insults.  Oh…well thank you all so much for listening!  If you want to catch more head on over to our patreon at patreon.com/agentsofdamned where we put up our episodes a week ahead of time so if you want to catch episode 8 and figure out what they’re going to do about Ash’s presence and two how well they handle their saving throws for their upcoming meal. You’ll be able to catch that one next week as well as catch our thoughts on what just happened on our aftershow ‘Peek Behind the Screen.’    

Plugs…plugs, plugs, plugs!  If you need help with any sort of graphic design work be it logos, apparel, I dunno art stuff – this is not my strong suit- head on over to blackfeathergraphics.com.  They’re an independent freelance graphic artist and they have helped us out with the show quite a bit.  They helped us out with our logo and various other projects with various other people.  So if you need help with any of their stuff then go ahead and check them out – again that is blackfeathergraphics.com.

For anyone in the Charlotte area who wants to partake in some Cheesecake, then head on over to facebook.com and look up ‘Just Cheesecakes by TIna Rose.’ They have a bunch of good stuff there – they’ve got butterfinger cheesecakes, they’ve got strawberry cheesecakes, they’ve got cheesecake cheesecakes.  They’ve recently got a new recipe for a chocolate brownie cheesecake which is dynamite!  And they’ve also got some new appliances in so they can really step up – they’re game is truly as high as it’s ever been so again that is facebook.com/justcheesecakesbytinarose.

Something, something, fitness, something, something kinetic concepts – Drew that’s your thing.”

[Drew]:  “Thank you for the wonderful intro, before I get into that, I need to let you know that you have cursed me with the knowledge that out there there is a butterfinger cheesecake.  And I have to sit here with that knowledge and do my best to not act on it.  Something that I did not know I wanted.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, well does it help to know that it – that there’s a butterfinger crust on it?”

[Drew]:  “Um, I hate you.  I hate you personally.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s amazing.  It’s one of my favorites.”

[Drew]:  “You’re a bad person.  Go to jail.”

[Jordan]:  “I just support local businesses.”

[Drew]:  “Ugh, I’m gonna eat a cheesecake and I don’t want to do that. I’m going to have to run so much. Uhm-so!”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Drew]:  “So, probably not the best segway into talking about my personal training business but kinetic concepts personal training, scientifically tried and true, and personalized training plans for you. Able to get you to whatever health and fitness goals that you are looking for.  Especially during these trying times where we’re all cooped up but also work towards self improvement, virtual sessions are the thing for you.  Also if you’re looking for a little bit more of a social aspect,and y’know save a little bit of scratch, we are doing group exercise sessions.  Much less personalized, but still wonderful as far as getting the heart rate going, getting a little bit of weight loss going, getting tone tightened and all that good stuff going on there.  Perfect time to either jump into fitness if you haven’t had the time or the ability to before, to pick back up on any health and fitness goals you had before or if you’ve fallen off.  So that’s Kinetic Concepts Fitness.  Check us out on facebook, instagram, and twitter.”

[Jordan]:  “And don’t forget to check us out on facebook, instagram and twitter as well at agents of DAMNED -especially now that I’m going to be posting Big Betty’s official menu so you guys can take in the majesty that everyone else did and see the hard work I put into this. If you can call it that.  So, until next time – bye!

[Caitie]:  “Bye guys!”

[Christina]:  “Bye guys!!!”

[Drew]:  “Byyye!  Tweet about the show!”                                

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