Winter One-der Shot

It’s the holiday season, and to celebrate we’re taking a step back in time to see an adventure at DAMNED before the Agents. Raiann, Aelar, and Nissa travel to the lands of Chioni Falls to ensure the passing of the torch to the next Keeper of Winter goes smoothly. But anything can happen during the holidays, so join us as Christina takes the DM seat for a spin in this magical quest through a snow cover land. And of course, Happy Holidays!

Transcript

Winter One-der Shot

[[Intro music play]] 

[Christina]:  “Hey everyone, and welcome to Agents of DAMNED!  Obviously, it’s me Christina and not Jordan as per normal. If you haven’t guessed yet, we’re doing another special one shot.  This time it’s going to be for the winter one shot for all of the fun holidays that are coming up!  My absolute favorite time of year (next to Halloween because you can’t beat Halloween).  So we are going to be viewing into a little bit more of what happened at DAMNED several years prior to our agents joining. So you’re going to get a little bit more insight into what it might be like for Raiann, Aelar and Nissa to go on an adventure together. They are all going to be going off and checking out some rumors regarding a new Keeper of Winter who is going to be taking the place of her father who has recently fallen too ill to continue keeping up with his daily responsibilities. This is a fate that will befall all Keepers of Winter due to the strenuous nature of their jobs and handling of the magic that goes along with it. The passing of this birthright is a very large festival and it’s celebrated every several hundred years by hordes of creatures who travel from across the lands for the event and its located in a place known as Chioni Falls. Normally this, this event is very well received by many people. However, the agency has recently received rumors that there are evil forces looking to steal this artifact that is passed on to each new keeper.  Now, as we want to begin, introduce everyone to this event.” 

[Caitie]: “Hi guys, I’m Caitie and I will be playing Aelar.”

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys, I’m Jordan. I accidentally moved my seat again so I have lost my DM status for the evening and I’ll be playing Raiann instead.”

[Drew]:  “Hey guys, I’m Drew McClain. And instead of playing my usual good doctor Arlo Aegon I will be playing the artificer that you all know and love from the forge Nissa.  And I was going to say something kind of like smart mouthed about like Halloween being a clearly superior holiday, but after listening to my wife do the intro, I just want to say my wife’s voice is so beautiful you guys!”

[Christina and Caitie]:  “Awww.”

[Jordan]:  “Get a room.”

[Drew]:  “Like literally I was like, Her voice is so cute.  I’m very lucky.”

[Caitie]:  “Awwww!”

[Christina]:  “Aww!”

[Drew]:  “Alright everyone shut up I already talked about my feelings.” 

[Christina]:  “And we have a special guest today.”

[Bingo]:  “Hey everybody!  My name’s Bingo and I’ll be playing Jasper.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so we will be first off, unfortunately for Bingo, starting off with all of our agents over at DAMNED HQ.”

[[Music transitions over to Raiann’s office]]

[Raiann]:  “Alright, let’s see. Bookworm is still far too young for this.”

[Jordan]:  “By the way, just something that we all have agreed on previously, this is before obviously the canonical Agents or even Second Chance joined so yeah super slim pickings.”

[Raiann]:  “Bookworm is far too young, Orillo will not want to leave base and leave her alone with – the Ricks…so that leaves me with Aelar, Nissa, and Morgran. Guess I’ll go talk to Aelar and Nissa!”

[Jordan]:  “And Raiann would at that point head down to the forge to speak with them individually on this one rather than try to do a group huddle and see how that goes.”

[[Music transitions to the forge]]

[Drew]:  “All right, so I guess in the forge like Nissa is like running around talking at like a mile a minute like trying to get things ready before they go back to their, their general home. Where like she’s supposed to be getting like this big holiday dinner ready.  And you can just kind of hear her yelling like-”

[Nissa]:  “All right. Come on, Morgan, Morgan like, like get the lead out. Like I know that this isn’t like your favorite time of year, but we really- I really, really really want to impress your mother this time- ever since the incident. She hasn’t really liked me very much, but we’re going to fix that! Okay? We’re going to fix that and that’s going to start with the perfect turkey.  So we’re going, okay?”

[Morgran]:  “Just let me finish my beer.”

[Aelar]:  “Nissa my- my darling, my dear, my sunlight in the sky. Please for the love of all of the gods, stop with your incessant babbling.”

[Nissa]:  “Aelar. I know we have kind of a- a good candor between the two of us and we’ve reached an equilibrium. I will gut you like a fish today. Do not try me today. Don’t you do it. Don’t you do it sweetie, don’t you do it.”

[Aelar]:  “Don’t you sweetie me. My guts are far too fabulous for you to handle.”

[Nissa]:  “I swear, one of these days-”

[Jordan]:  “Do we have to do the campaign?  I’m content just listening to these two.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “The amount of sass in this scene is immeasurable, it can’t be contained!  I assume by this point I would have shown up?”

[Aelar]:  “Ahhh-”

[Christina]:  “Yes, you would have definitely interrupted at some point.”

[Aelar]:  “And if it isn’t our most magnificent boss lady.  Tell us, what can we do for you this evening?”

[Raiann]:  “Aelar, over here, now.”

[Aelar]:  “Coming…”

[Nissa]: Singsong “Haha, Aelar has to work on the holiday~”

[Caitie]:  “Mmm…”

[Jordan]:  “Oh boy is this next one going to be fun.  Alright so I pull Aelar over to the side-”

[Raiann]:  “Alright, now listen.  Now I realize it is the holiday season- whatever particular holiday it is that you have… like I don’t-  forgive me if I sound ignorant. I’m not overly familiar with many of the festivities of non-draconic species.”

[Drew]:  “Elf-mas.”

[Jordan]:  “Shut up.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “I’ll get to you in a second!”

[Raiann]:  “But something has come up. I need your help. Would you be willing to go with me to Chioni Falls and ensure that a dangerous artifact does not fall into the hands of someone potentially very dangerous.”

[Aelar]:  “I see.”  Sighs  “Yes, well – I suppose I can put aside a few plans in order to help you out-”

[Raiann]:  “Excellent!”

[Aelar]:  “It’s the least I can do.”

[Raiann]:  “I’m glad to hear it.”

[Jordan]:  “I turn back into the room.”

[Raiann]:  “Nissa- over here for a moment.”

[Nissa]:  “W-wait, but- uh, oh, oh, oh-”

[Raiann]:  “Just a moment.”

[Nissa]:  “Oh, okay…”

[Raiann]:  “Now Nissa, I can tell just by looking that you are… a bit preoccupied with certain other things.”

[Drew]:  “Her eye twitches slightly.”

[Raiann]:  “Most of which I notice is cooking. You do realize that Orillo is still on base and I’m sure would be more than willing to help you with this, yes?”

[Nissa]:  “I-I- I do, I do understand that but it does have to be me that that makes this up and there’s… there’s history. There’s history that needs to be made up for.”

[Raiann]:   “I see.”

[Caitie]:  “In the background Aelar is going-”

[Aelar]:  Singsong “Hmhmhmhmhm, hmhmhm hmmmm”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann just puts up a finger to shut him up.”

[Raiann]:  “I am sure that this matter of yours is extremely important, I can tell. And you know you are one of the most invaluable members of this team. That being said. I am going to have to insist that you get Orillo’s help. Because I actually require your assistance with something.”

[Nissa]:  “Alright. Like, how long would this take in particular?”

[Raiann]:  “I would say…”

[Jordan]:  “What- would I know about how long this would take?”

[Christina]:  “You have a guesstimate of less than a week.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh!  I was going to say much lower than that!”

[Christina]:  “I mean it’s probably like a few days, but less than a week is probably what you would guess.”

[Caitie]:  “Probably.” 

[Christina]:  “It’s a full on festival.”

[Jordan]:  “Right.  …Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Oh no.” 

[Raiann]:  “You will most certainly be able to complete your tasks in a timely enough manner, I assure you. It will not take very long at all.” 

[Nissa]:  “I won’t miss dinner for the holy half pint holiday festival, right?”

[Raiann]:  “When is that again?”

[Nissa]:  “ That is in 2 days.”

[Raiann]:  Lying “Certainly not.”

[Nissa]:  “Okay. All right. All right.” 

[Jordan]: “I want you to know that it took a lot for me to do that as Raiann.”

[Drew]:  “I’m surprised that no one lost their shit at- Holy Half Pint Holiday Festival.” 

[Caitie]:  “Can I roll to see if Aelar like, can tell she’s bluffing?” 

[Christina]:  “Yeah do it.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh good.”

[Caitie]:  “What would that be?”

[Jordan]:  “I’d probably be your insight versus my deception.” 

[Christina]:  “Mhm.”

[Caitie]:  “Perception… 22.”

[Jordan]:  “First of all I said insight but even then you probably still-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh!  Still 22.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, you can tell I’m bullshitting.”

[Christina]:  “Raiann’s not very good at lying.” 

[Jordan]:  “I rolled a 5.” 

[Christina]:  “Oh!”

[Drew]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “Deception is not my strong suit.”

[Drew]:  “Oh god.”

[Christina]:  “What does Aelar do?”

[Caitie]:  “He just kind of gives a sassy little smirk while standing contrappasso.” 

[Jordan]:  “I am still holding my finger to keep you quiet.” 

[Drew]:  “I don’t know what contrapasso is, but I’m imagining that smile from the Grinch Stole Christmas that slowly creeps over his face.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes and contrapasso is-”

[Drew]:  “ And then Aelar had a dreadfully awful idea!”

[Caitie]:  “It means he’s standing off balance like when you stand on one leg with the other one kind of bent a little bit.  You know what I’m talking about?”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, like the strike a pose pose.” 

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, the ‘strike a pose’ pose, exactly.”

[Christina]:  “I imagine for Nissa  this is probably no different than how Aelar is normally.  So I don’t know that Nissa would think anything of that though.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, that’s probably- that’s probably just something that’s in the realm of- Yeah, he, he be doing that.”

[Raiann]:  “A smug son of a bitch – let’s go.” 

[Drew]:  “Before we go Nissa’s just like (to Morgran)-”

[Nissa]:  “If I am not back by the time that we’re getting everything prepared. Make sure. Make sure that, that turkey comes out of the oven at 7:45. 7:45. Not 8.  Not 8:30 after you’ve already forgotten about it. 745. Can you do that for me?”

[Christina]:  “Okay so that’s that gets all buttoned up and Nissa is sadly drawn away from all of her stressful preparations and you guys eventually all commandeer over to, or gather over to the teleporting area and are sent off to Chioni Falls. So-”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you for not making me talk to myself as both Raiann and Oudart.”

[Christina]:  “You’re welcome.  I feel like I’ve done-”

[Drew]:  “That would’ve been fucking hilarious.”

[Christina]:  “No, I wouldn’t be that mean.  So as you guys are- as you guys actually arrive at Chioni falls from the teleporters you are greeted with a bustling snow-covered land that’s nestled at the foot of a group of large mountains. The air seems to have a constant breeze that speaks of storms as the chill brushes over your skin.

So you know, as you are all aware this Keeper of Winter is going to be taking her place for her father Menda.  So you know that you are looking for a High Elf in this town who will be helping to prepare for this festival and as you guys are entering to town I need you guys to roll me an investigation check, er I guess a perception check.”

[Drew]:  “Alright.. Oh perception-”

[Caitie]:  “21.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh thank god, perception’s better. 18.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my perception is so bad now.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “No I got so used to cleric so my perception is like oh yeah a full amount of perception, I still rolled well.  I got a 19, but oh yeah this is only a (plus) 3 now-”

[Jordan]:  “Cool, so the only wisdom based person rolled the lowest.  This is very telling.”

[Christina]:  “Good.  So I mean it wasn’t a very high DC because it’s a very busy, busy town and so there’s a lot of talking going on as you guys are entering.  So you guys are overhearing as you enter the town you know everyone’s kind of talking about-”

[Townspeople]:  “Oh there’s you know I heard the Frost Giants are coming down from the mountain and you know even Morrinn’s Winter Court is supposed to be showing up.  You know it’s going to be really awesome! I can’t wait to see how many people actually show up there’s going to be hundreds of people here!”

[Christina]:  “And as you continue to walk into the center of town you are eventually greeted by the site of a young high elf, who has a bow and quiver on her back and standing next to her is a Moon Elf who has a stack of papers occasionally who’s handing things out to people.  The crowd they’re speaking to is pretty decent but it’s not overpowering, and you guys notice that the high elf is pointing about looking a little frantic but that she’s trying to kind of remain composed.  And the moon elf is occasionally jotting things down on the papers before handing them out to people and looking up and pointing off before one of the group would maybe affirmate to her and then run away.  I mean what do you- what do you guys do?”

[Jordan]:  “Okay two things. One, the second Raiann heard the words Frost Giant she had a visible reaction that was not pleasant.  

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Two, uh, what’s a moon elf?”

[Christina]:  “Um it’s just a like a wood elf but they usually have like blue, darker blue skin

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so I guess since I’m the leader of this I’d probably just walk up to I guess the moon elf, I don’t want to like immediately approach the child that’d probably be less than ideal.”

[Christina]:  “So- When I say child she’s of age she’s a little over 100 years old she’s not like a baby elf she’s like a like just-”

[Jordan]:  “Okay elf child got it.” 

[Christina]:  “Yeah, she’s an elf- a child in an elf but yeah, she’s still an adult.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean you still said she seemed like off put so I still don’t want to like just someone she’s presumably never met just walks up like hey what’s wrong kid?”

[Christina]:  Laughs “That’s fair okay so she goes up-”

[Drew]:  Sounding creepy  “Hey what’s going on do you want some candy there’s in my van.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re in danger come with me!”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Uh no I, I do still want to approach the moon elf and just like just introduce myself.”

[Raiann]:  “Hello good evening. I am Raiann Delmiriv of the DAMNED Agency.  I heard that there was to be a new- a passing of the crown so to speak and we figured we would come by and pay our respects to the new heir.”

[Christina]:  “The moon elf finishes jotting something down and then turns and looks over at Raiann like full attention and begins and she greets and she says-”

[Wren]:  Robotic  “Hello my name is Wren. It is a pleasure to meet you.  Yes, there is a festival.  The one who will be taking her throne will be Clover.”

[Christina]:  “And she looks over at the high elf who is still kind of frazzled and she says-”

[Wren]:  “It is a pleasure to meet you.  Welcome to Chioni Falls.”

[Raiann]:  “Thank you the honor is truly mine.”

[Jordan]:  “And at this point I will turn over to Clover-”

[Raiann]:  “It is an honor to meet you as well young Clover.”

[Jordan]:  “And I would bow to her as a sign of respect.”

[Christina]:  “Clover, frazzled, turns and kind of hits herself in the face with her hair which is in a ponytail, a very disheveled ponytail and she says-”

[Clover]:  “Oh hi! Uh yes, nice to meet you, yep I’m Clover!  It’s a- it’s a pleasure!”

[Raiann]:  “No need to be so high strung my dear it is quite all right.”

[Clover]:  “Oh you know uh yeah it’s it’s great we’re doing great uh-huh. Uh, can- can we help you guys? It’s, it’s great to see you!”

[Raiann]:  “Simply come to pay our respects and waiting for the festive-for the coronation to begin in earnest.  Though, as I said I am here as a representative of DAMNED.  Not necessarily on business just here to observe but should you find yourself in need of anything please do not feel afraid of coming to me and my co-patriots-”

[Jordan]:  “And I would at that point motion over to Aelar and I’m debating whether I should motion a Nissa who is probably at this point a sweaty matted mess.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa is like in a little parka and like looks like she should be cold but actually is like red-faced and sweating and bouncing up and down with like nervous energy.”

[Jordan]:  “I motioned to Aelar and Aelar alone.”

[[Christina and Drew laugh]]

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, Aelar gives a very flouncy bow. I mean I am not over exaggerating when I say he really does this thing where he kind of like rolls his hand and like places it out to shake hers as he bows.”

[Christina]:  “She takes your hand and shakes it and her hand is like full sweaty palm like she is a nervous wreck. And the moon elf kind of actually places her hand on-  on Clover’s shoulder and whispers something in her ear and Clover looks over at her like for a second like really wide-eyed before going-”

[Clover]:  “Thank you, I appreciate it- stop using that voice, you’re going to scare the new people please.”

[Christina]:  “And then runs off and doesn’t even say anything to you guys as she leaves and jumps on a reindeer and like gallops away towards the back of the village. And before you guys could really do much after that, the one that introduced herself as Wren comes back over and she goes-”

[Wren]:  Now in a southern voice  “Well howdy I appreciate you guys coming to town and I know that uh you guys said that you’re with DAMNED and from what we’ve heard it looks like things you know if you guys are here to partake in the festivities I’d suggest that you guys go ahead and find some uh some lodging because it looks like things are going to be filling up pretty quickly.  I don’t know if you guys have noticed but there’s a lot of people in town and uh you know we really don’t want you guys having any issues there-”

[Christina]:  “And she kind of looks around for a second like something catches her eye and all of a sudden she literally hits her head with the stack of papers like brings it to her head and she says-”

[Wren]:  “Oh gods no we forgot about that stone brain Jasper.  Oh no how could I do that-”

[Raiann]:  “I beg your pardon?”

[Christina]:  “She looks over and approaching the group is this-”  Laughs  “- this aarakocra who looks like a pigeon and is very oily in nature and-”

[Drew]:  “Oh my god, we gotta let bingo explain Jasper.”

[Christina]:  “Yes, Bingo please.”

[Bingo]:  “Please so you notice that this creature is leaning against essentially nothing but seems very relaxed for some reason and they look to you with a potion in their hand and they-”  cracks a can open  “-crack it open.”

[[All laugh]]

[Drew]:  “You mother fucker!!”

[Jordan]:  “Stop upstaging us!!”

[[Laughter]]

[Bingo]:  “And they say-”

[Jasper]:  “What’s up kids?”

[Caitie]:  “BINGO!  Where have you been??”

[Jordan]:  “Caitie I’m sorry you’re fired, Bingo welcome.”

[[Laughter]]

[Drew]:  “Oh my god I love it.”

[Christina]:  “Oh boy.” 

[Jasper]:  “So uh you guys wanted to see me?”

[Wren]:  “Oh no oh…”

[Christina]:  “And Wren continues she says-”

[Wren]:  “ I-I apologize uh for Clover running off she’s been real stressed out and I know when she gets like that she is not helpful in the least, I assure you that we are we are making sure everything is getting set up.  However we have a bit of an issue that I was helping her with and I completely forgot about this- um you see part of the festivities is that we have several competitions that go on and Jasper over here had had a team and it’s a team of four…”

[Christina]:  “And a light kind of goes in her eyes as she’s talking and realizes something and she says-”

[Wren]:  “The the other three from Jasper’s team uh happened to go missing and we can’t find them- I don’t know if they got a little too drunk and ended up in an alley somewhere but it looks like there is at least two of you which would help um and we would be able to probably find at least one other person to help out so- and also competitors do get free lodging and food and all that and I mean if you guys are with the agency and wanted to keep an eye on things I mean it would give you a little bit easier access to some of the people that are going to be here,and it would really help me and more importantly it would it would help Clover out if you guys wanted to agree to help us please please please please please.”

[Jasper]:  “That is if you guys can keep up with me.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa like pipes up-”

[Nissa]:  “Uh I have a query.  Will helping out make the festival be done sooner?”

[Wren]:  “Yes.”

[Nissa]:  “Then I am in let’s do it.”

[Aelar]:  “Nothing wrong with a little-”

[Drew]:  “Again still bouncing around like nervous energy sweating red fucking little parka.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann actually-”

[Aelar]:  “Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition.”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar says, and I assume, how tall is Aelar again, hang on a minute…”

[Jordan]:  “He’s a high elf so he’d be pretty tall.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay so he’s gonna like put his arm on like Nissa’s head like using her as like a – he’s taller than her I assume?”

[Jordan]:  “She’s a gnome!”

[Caitie]:  “Yes! So he has his elbow like on the top of her head like kind of leaning on her like she’s a surface.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa is gonna like clock this and like wipe a whole bunch of sweat from her forehead and just like rub it on Aelar’s fancy ass clothes.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, Raiann is real quick gonna talk- just asked Wren like-”

[Raiann]:  “You said we would receive food and lodging correct?”

[Wren]:  “Yes yes you would.”

[Raiann]:  “Can I assume that the nature of this cuisine is authentic local?”

[Wren]:  “Yes, yes it is.  In fact my family is part of the, part of the bakery here and we do a lot of the the bakin’ that goes on and uh so most of it will honestly be prepared by myself and some of the other other family members but you know the, the chefs in town are real good too.”

[Raiann]:  “I see.  One moment please.”

{Jordan]:  “I turn around and do like a quick huddle with Aelar and Nissa like-”

[Raiann]:  “Alright. Listen. I understand you two do not tend to get along and Nissa I understand you are currently a nervous wreck; however, I think I can see a way for us to get through this quickly and efficiently, and in a way that works out for everyone.  Nissa I understand you are still currently…uh,  what is the best way I  can put this, um- a mad wreck over this holiday fowl of yours. I believe that the best way for you to correct the mistakes of the past and truly make it a everlasting impression would be if you were to present Morgran’s family with maybe something they’d never seen before. Like I don’t know, the local cuisines of an elven village such as this one – festival cuisine at that.”

[Jordan]:  “And then I turn over to Aelar.”

[Raiann]:  “And in your case that means Morgran will be gone for most of the holidays. Happy and content and out of your hair.  Can I please get you two to cooperate for us to finish this as quickly as humanly possible?”

[Aelar]:  “Of course boss.”

[Nissa]:  “I- I do feel like you attacked my emotional state a lot in that statement but that is a good point so I am also all about.”

[Raiann]:  “Apologies, as you know I’m not a great liar.”

[Jordan]:  “I turn around.”

[Raiann]:  “Alright.  We shall assist Jasper in whatever it is that is- what was it you said we would be doing again?”

[Wren]:  “Competing!”

[Christina]:  “She says as she claps her hands together hearing that you guys agreed. So uh she very quickly continues and explains-”

[Wren]:  “Alright!  So all the competitors are going to be staying at that inn over there.”

[Christina]:  “And she points over to probably one of the larger looming buildings that is in the town. And it looks like it’s attached to the place that she had pointed out as the bakery.  Just kind of in this larger, more elaborate area of the area, of the town.  And she says-”

[Wren]:  “That is the inn, that is the bakery-”

[Christina]:  “And then a huge like mansion next to it, as next to it as a huge mansion can be, she says-”

[Wren]:  “And that’s where all the partying is going to be.  So if you need myself I’ll probably be at the bakery if you need Clover for anything, although honestly I don’t think she’d be very helpful because of the way she is right now uh, you can find her there or you can find probably both of us in the bakery because she sometimes comes there if she’s getting too stressed out.  I’m kind of her best friend so I help her out a lot!  But as long as you guys are on time for the competition tomorrow morning, it starts at eight and the party also starts at eight, but eight tonight,  then you guys will be all set!  So there will be lots of food tonight starting at eight and you know it’s like a- like a pre-competition party so you’ll get to hang out with some other people. But I do have to get back to doing some more preparing before tonight and tomorrow.  So if you’ll please excuse me then I will be taking my leave now.”

[Jasper]:  “I’m gonna be totally honest, I have no idea who that was or what you guys were talking about but my name is Jasper and I’m half bird and half statue.”

[Aelar]:  “I’ll say…”

[Nissa]:  “I do not believe that you’re any part statue.”

[Raiann]:  “Nissa please dont-”

[Jasper]:  “My dad was the statue.  I think I know my lineage.”

[Nissa]:  “How does that-”

[Raiann]:  “That’s wonderful Jasper we are looking forward to working with you.  Nissa please for the love of all that is good do not egg on the weird bird man..” 

[Nissa]:  “But the logistics of such a-”

[Jasper]:  “Oh excuse me while I stretch uh you might have noticed my rippling muscles that came from the statue-”

[Raiann]:  “I think we’re going to retire for the evening we shall see you in the morning- let’s go.”

[Jasper]:  “Okay I’ll cuddle I’ll be big spoon.”

[Aelar]:  “Oh my.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa holds up a hand and says-”

[Nissa]:  “Not it.”

[Jordan]:  “I need you to understand-”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar he- he puts her finger to his nose and says-”

[Aelar]:  “Nose goes!”

[Jasper]:  “Way to show off you have a nose, that’s pretty rude.  I’m over here with a beak, what am I supposed to say, ‘beak go?’  No, that’s unfair.  It doesn’t rhyme.”

[Christina]:  Laughing  “Oh my gosh!”

[Drew]:  “I think technically Raiann doesn’t have a nose either she has a snout.”

[Jasper]:  “Yeah that’s so messed up that’s so insensitive honestly.”

[Drew]:  “I mean that also means that by default- Raiann.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann pats her flaming nunchucks and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Do it at risk of your own life. I’d recommend not.”

[Jasper]:  “Listen, you can be big spoon if you want god.”

[Raiann]:  “I’ll sleep in my own bed thank you.”

[Jasper]:  “Well I’m gonna go sleep in that tree.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my god- um so I guess you guys, sounds like you guys are gonna gonna head back to the lodging that was pointed out?”

[Nissa]:  “Everyone to the lodge!”

[Drew]:  “And Nissa, despite her small stature, is like doing her best to shove everyone towards the lodge.”

[Christina]:  “Perfect so as you guys do enter, you- you do kind of um you know continue to hear the murmurings of you know everyone getting set up for the party.  You occasionally see you know part of the the chef’s group walking around with covered trays of foods and and some of the other bakers covered in flour and just carrying these huge platters along to go get it set up and so you are all instructed on where your lodging will be you are informed that all contestants must room together as that is the way that things go.  And since Jasper is not with you they do tell you you know the the four people do have to be in the same room together to make sure everyone is on time so they can they can keep that moving so that is instructed of you. But that they remind you that the party will be tonight for contestants and that Wren has already let them know that that you guys will be helping out.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann slaps Aelar on the shoulder and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Go get him little spoon.”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  I’ve been sitting on that one the entire time

[Aelar]:  “I want a raise after this.”

[Bingo]:  “You can just call out the door for me.  I’m just kind of like perched in the tree.”

[Drew]:  “Is it, is the tree like- are you high enough in the tree that like I could see you like out of a window?”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah I’m just kind of there like it’s very obviously just like a bird person that’s just kind of hanging out on the outer ledges, and you feel like a little bit of pity for them but also just like it’s not someone you want to make eye contact with.”

[Jordan]:  “Don’t assume our emotions.”

[Drew]:  “What-”

[Bingo]:  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

[Drew]:  “What kind of stuff is like in general like around me is there like is there like a concierge desk pen or something that I can like pick up a small object?” 

[Christina]:  “Yeah so it’s a standard like like hotel lodge, you know it’s a little bit more mountainy because it is again at the base of the mountains.  So just imagine standard mountain lodge, you know, hotel greeting area.  There’s the lodge entrance with the concierge desk and a little fountain pen and some seating and and fancy you know holiday decorations just all over the place.”

[Drew]:  “All right, I’m gonna grab the- the fountain pen from the the front desk and say-”

[Nissa]:  “Ah, I’m sorry, I need to borrow this real quick I’ll, I’ll bring it right back I promise.”

[Hotel worker]:  “Oh of course.”

[Drew]:  “I go up to the window where I can see Jasper and then I cast catapult on the pen at Jasper.”

[Jordan]:  “If I may, missed opportunity, should have grabbed the bell.”

[Drew]:  “Fuck!!”

[Caitie]:  “Ohhhhhh.”

[Drew]:  “Can I retcon it and just say the bell?”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Drew]:  “I grabbed the hotel concierge bell- actually no, like she goes up with the pen and then remembers the bell was there and goes-”

[Nissa]:  “Wait, this could be better.”

[Drew]:  “Runs back downstairs-”

[Nissa]:  “Actually I need the bell just real quick, just real real quick I’ll be right back just real quick with the bell.”

[Hotel worker]:  “Oh, okay?”

[Drew]:  “Runs back upstairs, opens the window, and says-”

[Nissa]:  “Hey Jasper!”

[Drew]:  “And then catapults the bell at him.”

[Jordan]: Softly “…ding.”

[[All laugh]]

[Nissa]:  “Get inside!!”

[Christina]:  “Jasper do you comply?”

[Bingo]:  “Uh yeah. I’d like to say that it hit me square in the face.”

[Christina]:  “Make me a dexterity save to see if you can stay in the tree.”

[Bingo]:  “Naaaah.  I fall out of the tree, I topple to the ground, but I get up and I just kind of fly up to the window and I go-”

[Jasper]:  “Yes m’lady?”

[Jordan]:  “Fully bleeding in the face?”

[Christina]:  “Full on bloody beak.”

[Drew]:  “She’s looking at the beak and like it’s just like bleeding fucked up beak and she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “You got a little um- you know what never mind it’s fine um we just uh, you have to come inside.”

[Jasper]:  “Ah I mean if you insist I suppose.  Ahhh yes, this will be enough room for me to stretch and flex.”

[Nissa]:  “I will get more bells if you don’t stop that.”

[Jasper]:  “That’s fair I’ll stand in this corner.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa just kind of fast walks away.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s taking everything I have not to roll initiative right now.”

[Aelar]:  “Nissa are you enjoying your- your time back in your…your hometown?”

[Nissa]:  “Um well I mean it is kind of nice but uh in general I’m uh more concerned about just um you know returning to my life outside of my hometown I mean I grew up here but um it’s not uh really where my uh my my head is at you know.”

[[Beat of silence]]

[Caitie]:  “Aelar, Aelar was going to make a joke about her having a cold personality.”

[Drew]:  “Booooooooo.”

[Jasper]:  “Huh, like my dad.  Who was a statue and not living.”

[Jordan]:  “Can we please move on to the next morning?!”

[Christina]:  “You guys actually have a party to get to later on that after- that evening.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh goood.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Christina]:  “Yes, so  before you can retire because it’s only midday you do have a party later that night that you have to get to.  So you hear what can only be described as the sound of bells ringing on the air and all of a sudden there’s this large murmuring of a crowd like just swarming upon the area they pointed out to you as where the party would be taking place that night.  Almost as if they were they were just summoned there and it’s it looks like it’s both people that are native to the town wearing similar clothing that you’d seen Clover and Wren wearing earlier, and then again lots of outsiders like it is, it is a massive like gatsby-esque party that just starts happening.  And it’s very bustling and merry.”

[Jordan]:  “As soon as I hear the bells I just shout out-”

[Raiann]:  “Nissa stop attacking Jasper.”

[[All laugh]]

[Nissa]:  “First things first that’s not me.  Second thing second, um never.”

[Jasper]:  “I – I do deserve it.  If we’re going to be honest it’s totally warranted.”

[Raiann]:  “I never said it wasn’t, it’s just annoying.  Also I’m now realizing that’s coming from outside we should probably check on that.”

[Aelar]:  “Oh it might be time for the party.”

[Raiann]:  Under her breath, annoyed “Oh right that was a thing.”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar’s dressed- has  changed his clothes and is now wearing a fabulously, definitely gay like sequin outfit.”

[Drew]:  “Nice.”

[Jordan]:  “You know it’s really something when the only way you can describe an outfit is ‘definitely gay.’” 

[Drew and Caitie simultaneously]:  “Definitely gay.”

[Drew]:  “Is that guy gay? Oh definitely, have you seen the outfit?”

[Jordan]:  “Just check that midriff man, like fo-so.”  

[Caitie]:  “Oh definitely.”

[Drew]:  “He’s wearing like a button-down shirt where, where the belly is exposed.”

[Christina]:  “One of those sheer tops that shows off your figure?”

[Caitie]:  “This is the best, yes.”

[Drew]:  “He’s got one of those sport coat off-”

[Caitie]:  “It shows off his midriff,  he just looks fantastic.  He’s got like fish net underneath it.”

[Bingo]:  “Is it like a bimodal distribution of like character- characteristics to make it gay?  Is it like – oh if you have more than 20 sequins it’s gay, is it like how much belly button is exposed?” 

[Jordan]:  “I think it could be hard to moderate the amount of navel exposure- I feel like it’s kind of an all or nothing situation.”

[Bingo]:  “Is it a spectrum?  Or is it any navel is homosexual?  Any.”  

[Christina]:  “I think there’s an interesting – like a meshing venn diagram of how gay is this outfit of all the different factors combined.”

[Bingo]:  “Interesting, okay.”

[Drew]:  “I would, before we go on like to say that like Nissa also comes up and just like a nice  little like holiday outfit that like seems like you know like she tried her best was like it’s nice little outfit um she walks out and by the time she’s walked over to the door it is already soaked through with sweat.”

[Christina]:  “Awwww, poor Nissa.”

[Drew]:  “She’s like by the door then she’s like opened the door already she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “Let’s go, let’s go, come on come on come on come on.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann probably would have at this point changed into like like a cross between like almost noble and military attire. Like just, I suppose like what a fantasy military person would wear to like a formal gathering like this.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh, Jasper’s in a toga and more oily than before.”

[Jordan]:  “Wow based on how I imagined him, that’s more dressed.”

[Jasper]:  “We don’t need to focus on my rippling muscles, I do that enough.”

[Aelar]:  “Nissa, I have to say you actually do look quite nice.”

[Jasper]:  “Oh thank you so do you.”

[Aelar]:  “Oh I said Nissa.”

[Jasper]:  “Oh, o-okay.  That’s fine.” Sniffles

[Drew]:  “I love the little sniffle at the end, like- oh that, that’s okay.”

[Bingo]:  “I’m not hurt.”

[Aelar]:  “I mean don’t get- don’t get me wrong from about here down-”

[Caitie]:  “He said like pointing to the shoulders.”

[Aelar]:  “You’re actually quite nice looking.”

[Jordan]:  “We just put a paper bag over that head.”

[Jasper]:  “You’re not into pigeons?  What’s wrong with you?  Pigeons are like the third sexiest thing on earth.” 

[Drew]:  “Nissa like-”

[Jordan]:  “So, the party!”

[Jasper]:  “Next is gnomes…And trees.  And statues.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa leans over to Aelar and is like-”

[Nissa]:  “Actually I’m pretty sure that underneath the pants is still some bird stuff going on there.”

[[Bingo laughs]]

[Christina]:  “So the party!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah Raiann’s been out the door.”

[Caitie]:  “Yikes.”

[Christina]:  “So you four will arrive, along with the crowds.  And as you get closer you can hear lots of joyful and holiday themed music on the air.  You start to be able to pick up more of the smells of nutmeg and cinnamon as the caterers that you had seen earlier carrying these like prepared trays have now heated up all the food and are starting to carry the platters of sweets and creations out to the banquet.  And just as soon as they place it down it’s basically gone and they put another one in its place.  There’s several pop-up bars set up among a large building and there’s various tables of cooked birds and other delicious concoctions just filling the tables that aren’t being used to sit at.  As you guys go in you do see of note at the top of kind of these like double-sided stairs -Clover- who who is you know a little bit more put together much less frazzled and she does actually take note of you all as you enter and kind of smiles and small-y waves in your direction.  But it’s very clear from the amount of people that are around her she can’t exactly approach you without maybe running into another crowd just with how busy it is.  You see that she’s got her hair tied back in a much more put together sweeping ponytail, there’s a few loose pieces of it framing her face and you noticed actually earlier that once she had run off as she jumped on her deer that she had on a set of heels, and so she actually has the same set of heels on that she’d been wearing earlier but any any mud or anything has been kind of cleaned off of them so she looks way more presentable.  And so that’s pretty much the scene that you guys see as you come into this party.”

[Caitie]:  “Interesting…”

[Drew]:  “Nissa has already begun distress eating every bread based thing that she can find.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann would never do this but Jordan is trying so hard not to say- I use a ki point  for step of the wind and jump up to Clover.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my goodness.”

[Bingo]:  “Uh I would just like to say that Jasper does in fact eat bird meat and is doing so.  And rationalizes it because ‘I also eat rocks so I eat both halves of me.’”

[Caitie]: “Um…I’m sorry??”

[Jordan]:  “I imagine the DAMNED crew was staying the fuck away from you as much as we can.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa looks over, sees you eating bird meat, looks down, sees she’s eating like a shameful amount of pie, and it just returns to her pie.”

[Christina]:  “I honestly love the rationalization for eating bird meat because he eats rocks and that’s the other half of him and birds do eat rocks to help with their digestion.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah man if you’re gonna be a cannibal gotta go full cannibal.”

[Bingo]:  “I don’t want to be a half cannibal, I want to go full in. That’s my motto in life.” 

[Aelar]:  “Should we um…should we be concerned about them?”

[Raiann]:  “About which one?”

[Aelar]:  “Either.”

[Raiann]:  “Yes and no. I assume you know which one I’m referring to.”

[Aelar]:  “Fair enough.  Well I suppose we should go mingle then.”

[Raiann]:  “Right.”

[Jordan]:  “Is there anyone other than Clover that we see of note?  I feel like approaching her might be a bit tricky.”

[Christina]:  “I mean there are groups of other people that are just kind of putting back beers and other alcoholic beverages.  There’s definitely a lot of eggnog going around.  But you guys don’t take note of Wren, she’s not currently in the building and there’s a few guards posted about.  Especially behind where Clover is there’s, there’s a doorway and there’s a guard that’s there but just, just at base you don’t currently notice anyone else that might be of importance.  If you want to roll investigation for looking for someone else important or perception then you certainly can.”

[Jordan]:  “I get the subtle feeling you’re actually trying to encourage us just to talk to Clover but I’ll roll anyway.  I don’t suppose a 14 nets us a not Clover does it?”

[Christina]:  “Uh… no.  No, the only thing I think Raiann would notice with the 14 is that some of the competitors you hear, other competitors that you hear are making such sounds while also stuffing their face with birds of just like-”

[Competitor 1]: With full mouth “Mmm, yeah we’re so gonna beat everyone at tomorrow’s competition.” 

[Competitor 2]:  Also full mouth “Like yeah, they’re never gonna be able to keep up with us.”

[Christina]:  “And they’re like uncomfortably close to you.”

[Jordan]:  “I walk over to the plot.”

[[All laughing]]

[Bingo]:  Chuckling  “I walk over to the plot.”

[Caitie]:  “Could I… could I cast misty step to get over to her?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah definitely, if – well, yeah you could get, you can get close to her with it because misty step is I think 30 feet, right?”

[Caitie]:  “Let’s see… it says…yes up to 30 feet.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah so you can get close to her.”

[Aelar]:  “Good evening Miss Clover.”

[Clover]:  Surprised “Oh, hello!”

[Christina]:  “And as she turns you actually notice she’s holding onto the railing as she turns and doesn’t let go of it.”

[Aelar]:  “Are you quite all right?”

[Clover]:  “Oh you, yes – yes.  Good sorry, you just,  you surprised me.”

[Aelar]:  “My apologies.  I wanted to come and tell you what a glorious party this is.”

[Clover]:  “Oh thanks! Yeah we, we spent a lot of time putting it together, and you know it’s it’s it’s a lot, it’s a lot.

[Aelar]:  “It does seem as though it could be quite crowded but, honestly it’s a wondrous turnout.  I’m sure you’re very proud.”

[Clover]:  “Oh, yes…yes, very proud, yes indeed.”

[Aelar]:  “And your outfit – stunning.  If I might say so myself.”

[Clover]: “Oh, thanks! Yes, it’s not something I normally wear, but it’s definitely…it’s definitely awesome.”    

[Aelar]:  “Time’s like this, it’s the best time to be a little less like your normal self.  And treat yourself.”

[Clover]:  “Sure, yeah, of course!  Definitely! Um, so, I mean, how is everything?  You know, since you’ve gotten into town, how’s everything going?  Um, you know, anything of note that you guys wanted to ask about?”

[Aelar]:  “Not so far, honestly.  I wanted to see if you had any concerns yourself?”

[Clover]:  “No, no nothing, nothing really- I can’t think of anything.  You know, it’s just been, just been pretty chaotic getting everything, everything ready honestly – I mean you know there’s there’s really nothing that, that I can think of.”

[Christina]:  “And she’s, she’s kind of almost backing herself onto the railing, still holding on to it, shuffling a little bit like she’s a bit uncomfortable, but-”

[Caitie]:  “Aw”

[Christina]:  “But she, other than very much leaning against the railing, a little more like the frenzied self you had seen earlier, and Aelar, roll me insight.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes queen.”

[Jordan]:  “Morbid curiosity, and this just may be me digging through- how high up is she?”

[Christina]:  “Are you asking if she’s about to fall off the railing?”

[Jordan]:  “Well no, I keep hearing hanging onto the railing and that triggered some fear of heights nonsense i’ve lived with on a regular basis so…”

[Christina]:  “Oh, well I mean the- the little like elevated platform is probably only about you know 15 feet up from the ground-”

[Jordan]:  “That’s plenty!”

[Christina]:  “So it’s just like one of those like walking stairs that like helps like look up over into the party-ing space.”

[Caitie]:  “Uh that’s a non-natural 20.”

[Christina]:  “Oh, so you definitely noticed this.  You think it’s kind of weird that for someone who was wearing heels earlier and uh for someone who is wearing the same heels now like that obviously looked like they had to be cleaned off, and would be um- you know, something that this person wears for a while that the fact they’re leaning against this railing for support and is shuffling about on them like they’re uncomfortable is kind of weird.”

[Jordan]:  “She fucking ran off!”

[Drew]:  “Is this gonna be a Padme situation?”

[Caitie]:  “Do I notice anything odd about the shoes?”

[Christina]:  “No, the shoes are exactly the same, um other than the fact they’ve been cleaned off and, and the fact that um that Clover herself is uncomfortable in them.”

[Jordan]:  “Please tell me one of y’all has like detect magic of some shit.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s what I’m looking at hang on just a second!”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t remember if I had that one in your thing.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh I think I do.”

[Jordan]:  “Please – Oh my Christ we’re relying on the bird.”

[Christina]:  Giggles  “You’re relying on the bird currently eating bird meat.”

[Bingo]:  “Uhhh…n-no, no I don’t.”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t know if I’m relieved or upset by that.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Bingo]:  “Okay, okay listen whether you like it or not, we’re best friends.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, to be clear I love this.  Raiann is deeply upset about having to be within a quarter of a mile of you.”  

[Bingo]:  “Awww.  It doesn’t matter, we’re all best friends all the time, there’s no conflicts between us at all, ever.”

[Caitie]:  “I cannot believe that we didn’t prepare detect magic.”

[Bingo]:  “I do have Mage Hand.”

[Jordan]:  Sarcastically “Oh wonderful, thank god!”

[Bingo]:  “I could lend you a hand.” 

[Jordan]:  “Feel things out from a distance.”

[Christina]:  “Here’s something I’ll give you guys.  I, I assume by this point that Raiann has also made her way over here?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah probably, the non-caster.”

[Christina]:  “Raiann and Aelar, you can both, because the other two are currently uh…stuffing their faces, you can both roll me um…I don’t know if this would be another insight or history.”

[Jordan]:  “I can do history, that’s-”

[Christina]:  “To remember something about the past.”

[Caitie]:  “I can do insight.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, well we’ll split it that way.”  Rolls “God fucking damnit, okay.”

[Caitie]:  “Woohoo!”

[Jordan]:  “Don’t worry about me.”

[Caitie]:  “Natural 20.”

[Drew]:  “Say that for me one more time Caitie.”

[Caitie]:  “I got a natural 20.

[Christina]:  “So…here’s something that you guys would have remembered that was kind of interesting for someone being two different people. Both Clover and Wren have the same dark deep blue eyes.”

[Jordan]:  “Wren is not presently here, correct?”

[Christina]:  “Right.”

[Drew]:  “Ohhhhh no.  It is a Padme situation.”

[Jordan]:  “Ohhh boy.  Well Aelar, you’re the one that figured that one out, I just showed up.  I can’t do much.”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar, he keeps it calm, he’s pretty good at hiding what he’s thinking.  So he, he just kind of is like-”

[Aelar]:  “So, where is your friend from earlier?”

[Clover]:  “Oh!  You mean Wren?”

[Aelar]:  “Yes.”

[Clover]:  “You know, she’s busy right now helping out with the other bakers.  I haven’t seen her in a while to be honest.”

[Aelar]:  “That makes quite a lot of sense actually.  With a buffet quite like this I – I do assume that uh it requires quite a lot of work.”

[Clover]:  “Yeah, you know she spent so much time putting it together, um you know it’s been it’s been quite an endeavor.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so yeah you guys have, have noticed up to this point, or at least Aelar has noticed up to this point that it’s again strange that um this person is you know having difficulty standing in these shoes it looks like they had previously like would have been wearing.  And and for someone that is involved in as much fashion as Aelar is like would definitely know that um and it’s also kind of weird that they have the exact same eyes-”

[Jordan]:  “We know it’s Wren.”

[Christina]:  “You guys do, but your characters don’t.”

[Jordan]:  “As is the common issue with D&D.”

[Drew]:  “Indeed.  I’ll say like Aelar could like either like use Mage Hand to like beckon someone over to like tell them or I think he could just hold his arm out and then like make coo-coo pigeon noises and Jasper would probably come land on it.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah but then we’d have to involve Jasper.”

[Caitie]:  “I mean Raiann and Jasper are now right next to each other so they’re- he’s just trying to figure out a way to subtly tell her.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m sorry hold on, did you say Raiann and Jasper??”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar!!!”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann’s been avoiding bird boy like the plague.”

[Bingo]:  “Jasper is desperate for attention.”

[Jordan]:  “You know, by eating birds.”

[Drew]:  “I mean falcons eat birds so like-”

[Jordan]:  “You stop supporting this bad behavior!”

[Bingo]:  “You’re so mean to me and I’m just trying to do bird things like eating other birds.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes!!”

[[Bingo and Drew laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “I’ll die on that cross.”

[Bingo]:  “Ever met a pelican?”

[Christina]:  “Aelar as you’re over there trying to figure out how to relay this knowledge to Raiann- Nissa, roll me perception.”

[Drew]:  “That’s gonna be 19.”

[Christina]:  “So from one of the very tall windows on the bottom floor uh kind of poking about  from a pillar you catch a glimpse of Clover trying to catch Clover’s attention and just as she notices like you starting to like turn around for a second she ducks back behind the pillar-”

[Drew]:  “Um, so like she’s – is she, she’s in the room behind a pillar or she’s outside behind a pillar?”

[Christina]:  “Outside.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, and how high up is this uh this window?”

[Christina]:  “If- you’re on the bottom floor. It’s like one of those like, large floor to ceiling kind of styles like you know in the fancy hotels when they have those big like open natural light type windows but there’s like support columns along each panel of it to like help like with the structure of it.”

[Drew]:  “She like sees this, sighs heavily and is like-”

[Nissa]:  “I’m probably gonna have to do something about that.”

[Drew]:  “On my way over I just like i just call over to Jasper like-”

[Nissa]:  “Bird.  Come on.”

[Drew]:  “And just like, I tap on the window.”

[Christina]:  “So, you see that Clover, for a second, does not look over at you.  Like she is trying to pretend like she did not notice you tapping on the window.”

[Drew]:  “Um, I’m gonna use Mage Hand and then just poke her in the head with it.”

[Christina]:  “How hard does it poke her in the head?”

[Drew]:  “Um, like it feels like it was meant to be gentle but it definitely isn’t.”

[Christina]:  “She uh, she does like this time like legitimately stumble on the heels that she is wearing she goes-”

[Clover]:  “Ow… Hi..!”

[Christina]:  “And she kind of looks over at you sheepishly and just waves again.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa is like looking at her through like half teary eyes like with all of her stress and she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “Not now.  Whatever is going on.  Not now.”

[Christina]:  “Clover like leans over for no reason, because this doesn’t help, like puts a hand on her mouth like she’s trying to whisper, she’s like-”

[Clover]:   “Go get her, I need her!”

[Drew]:  “Nissa just kind of throws her hands up, she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “Fine fine.”

[Drew]:  “And like looks back at the crowd, and sees how difficult it would be to get around, and then turns over to Jasper and just kind of nudges him with her elbow.”

[Bingo]:  “Jasper’s gonna jostle awake and go-”

[Jasper]:  “Yeah!  I agree.”

[Nissa]:  “Jasper, please go um fetch the other Clover who’s over there.”

[Jasper]:  “I know what clovers look like, okay.”

[Nissa]:  “No! Not- Jasper not the plant! Ja- oh, he’s already gone.”

[Bingo]:  Laughing  “I’m gonna find Clover the person.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so you fly up next to Clover?”

[Bingo]:  “Yes.”

[Christina]:  “Inside Clover, again, freaks and it’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Oh Jesus why do you guys keep doing this?”

[Jasper] :  “Uh, hello, uh, plant.  Um I’ve been sent to collect you by I think…you.  I don’t really know.”

[Christina]:  “Her eyes go super wide and she looks over towards like the window and she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “Jesus… jesus christ Clover what the hell.”

[Christina]:  “And she’s just like, she looks over you two, she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “Alright, alright, come on.  Let’s go.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann is just shot she’s like-”

[Raiann]:  “Wait, what… just-?”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Raiann]:  “Do they all change their dialects at a moment’s notice?  What is this place?  Gods this is worse than last year’s Halloween party with the Fun Pals.”

[Drew]:  Laughs  “Like, Raiann never really got to be abreast of any of this I feel like all this happened, and Raiann was like – Oooh, they have shrimp.”

[[Drew and Bingo laugh]]

[Christina]:  “So, inside Clover stumbles her ass down the stairs.  Like you are pretty sure she’s gonna fall at some point, this girl is not good at walking in heels but she is doing her best to fucking like deceive all of you and she, she keeps herself up but she is like not doing good like, you you are pretty sure she’s gonna roll her ankle if she does not get help.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh, can I offer my hand?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.  And she gladly takes it if you do.”

[Bingo]:  “It’s very oily and full of birds.”

[Drew]:  “Oh.  Ohhh…”

[Jordan]:  “Wait.  Wait.  Wait… I know I am going to regret the next word that comes out of my mouth.  Explain.”

[Bingo]:  “The- the bird?  Or the oil?”

[Jordan]:  “No I know the oil, I established that cannon.  That’s my sin to bear.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh, the bird meat is just for later.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay you’re just holding more food, I wasn’t sure if you meant that or you had just called in like what you assumed was your brother.  And it was just cupped in your hand.”

[Bingo]:  Laughing  “Just like, this is my half brother pigeon.” 

[Jordan]:  “It seemed like something you would do.”

[Bingo]:  “Just an attempt to capture my mom.  I accidentally ate my sister once but you know that’s the way these things are.”

[Drew]:  “The pigeon is clearly a random pigeon that is that is visibly terrified that’s been taken.”

[[Bingo and Drew laugh]]

[Christina]:  “So yeah, so Wren Clover looks at you and she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “You’re very oily.  Like I’m a little concerned…a little bit.  You’d probably be really good at making bread.  It would never stick to ya.”

[Jasper]:  “You got to maintain you know, I’m half statue you gotta oil…the statue…”

[Wren]:  “Oh!”

[Raiann]:  “Can someone explain to me what is going on?”

[Christina]:  “Inside Clover looks at her like, kind of like like squints a second and she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “One second.”

[Christina]:  “And continues walking badly outside to go meet up with outside Clover.  And as you guys go out there, she like lets go of Jasper’s hand and shifts back into what you had seen her earlier as moon elf Wren.  And she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “I forgot to tell y’all earlier, because I forget that outsiders aren’t privy to this information, changelings are really common in this town.”

[Raiann]:  “Oh no.”

[Wren]:  “And uh, I am one.  And, I am Clover’s best friend so I’d do anything to help her out, and she needed to go check on somethin’ so, this is real Clover. I’m not real Clover.  I’m awful at walkin’ in heels,  I fuckin’ hate ‘em.  But…yeah.  She was just just tryin to’ we were tryin’ to keep everything on the down low – Clover what did you find?”

[Christina]:  “And Clover gets up from where she had crouched down continuing to hide from anyone else that had seen her, and sheepishly gets up and brushes herself off- and she is wearing the fancy things and is a little bit more put together, but her shoes are very much still dirty, and she’s like-    

[Clover]:  “So Deerling had noticed that there were some weird tracks. And I couldn’t really get any information out of him.  He’s really confusing, I mean, he’s just a deer. But, I mean, it seems like it’s probably okay?  The wand is still over in dad’s study and there’s nothing to be worried about as far as that, the guards haven’t seen anything weird.  And everything seems like it is okay.  But it was just something I needed to look at.”

[Christina]:  “And she looks over at all of you, and specifically Raiann because Raiann was the first one to introduce herself when everything happened earlier and she’s just like-”

[Clover]:  “This may be something that you guys could help us with?  Um, if you guys get any wind of anything happening please let us know but it doesn’t seem like anything is really going on…I think my deer just got scared because he’s a deer.”     

[Drew]:  “I would um, before we like respond in character, I would like to ask two questions.”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Drew]:  “First question.  Did you expect us to just gloss over the fact that you named a deer fucking Deerly??”

[[Bingo laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Are you just going to get away with that?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, I misheard that.”

[Christina]:  “What did you hear Jordan?”

[Jordan]:  “I heard Deerling and thought this was just straight up a pokemon trainer.”

[Christina]:  “That was it.”  Laughs

[Drew]:  “Oh it was Deerling??”

[Christina]:  “You heard correctly.”

[Caitie]:  “I also heard Deerling.”

[Drew]:  “That’s slightly less bad.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay so this is just a pokemon trainer, cool, I’m already kind of dancing with that potential copyright claim as is, let’s not tempt fate too much Disney’s already trying to kill us.”   

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “Question number two.  So it seems like the MacGuffin of this campaign is going to be that wand that you have mentioned.  Does that mean that we are going to be like so many Ludos in Star vs the Forces of Evil where our mission is to ‘Get the wand!!!’”  

[Christina]:  “It’s more like to protect the wand, and keep an eye out for shit.  But yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so we’re Marco Diaz by that analogy.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.”    

[Drew]:  “You’re the most Marco Diaz out of all of us with your kung fu.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes thank you, I’m aware.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, so real Clover looks over at you Raiann and she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Yeah so, I mean, I think that’s it’s just that my deer got confused.  So it’s okay.  But if you guys can just help us keep an eye out for things it should be fine, ya know, my dad’s in the study with everything so there’s nothing that really I’m worried about.  I think everything should be fine, at least until tomorrow, I’m not really worried about anything.”

[Jasper]:  “Yeah I anticipate no conflict.  At all.”

[Drew]:  “Ah yes, this will be completely fine.”

[Jasper]:  “Yeah, yeah yea, I can’t expect any sort of uh issues or anything like that to arise.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, that was the final boss was just noticing it was Wren.”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah yeah yeah.”

[Drew]:  “Yep, we’re all good.  I would say Nissa might like interject and say-”

[Nissa]:  “Um if you’re worried about the wand why don’t we just put a bunch of traps around it?”

[Clover]:  “Oh oh, no no no no no that’s already been done. My dad is really paranoid um and also the wand can only really tune in with one person at a time it actually is kind of cool.  It only really takes the shape of um however it’s going to appear for the person that’s currently you know in tune with it.  I guess is the best way to describe it um like for my dad it’s like this cool looking scepter thing and I think for for his, his grandma it was a sword and it’s, it’s really kind of cool what it does.  But no, I think it’ll be okay, at least for tonight everything should be fine.  But um, yeah I know if you guys hear anything please let me know um because I’m so stressed out.  I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to contend with all this but I’m doing my best!!”

[Christina]:  “And she smiles as big as she can still freaking the fuck out.”  

[Jordan]:  “Okay, two things.  One, Drew, I did not realize how on the fucking nose you were about that Star versus the forces of evil thing holy shit.”

[Drew]:  “I didn’t either!”

[Jordan]:  “Two, uh back in character Raiann puts a hand on her shoulder and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Look, truth be told we had actually come here because we were afraid that there may be some potential… issues as far as how well this whole thing may go on.  We had no reason to suspect it but better safe than sorry.  So why don’t you go and enjoy the festivities and try to relax a little bit and we will do our job.”

[Christina]:  “Real Clover is partially hyperventilating and she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Enjoy the festivities. Okay. I can do that.”

[Raiann]:  “Are you sure?”

[Clover]:  “Wren, let’s go!”

[Christina]:  “And Wren just pats her on the shoulder, like on the back and she’s just like-”

[Wren]:  “Yep, you- you got it, Clover, I – I believe in you, you can sure do it.  I- yep.”

[Christina]:  “And she turns to you and is like-”

[Wren]:  “I- I got this, I’ll take care of her.” 

[Raiann]:  “That girl’s gonna be dead by the morning.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa like, she kind of like stops her and like for the first time this whole adventure she starts like thinking about something other than like what she needs to get back to and what she knows is that this young girl is as stressed as she is or arguably even more and uh she says like-”

[Nissa]:  “Uh hey hey hey um, uh well first I’m sorry I poked you a bit hard with the uh, the Mage Hand there, I’m, I’m a little bit stressed myself so I uh, I feel where you’re coming from.”

[Clover]:  “Oh it’s okay my dad has definitely done worse. You can’t be too prepared for anything!  He likes to randomly throw darts at me but it’s okay.”

[Nissa]:  “Um.”

[Aelar]:  “I’m sorry, what was that?”

[Raiann]:  “Yes I’m going to need a double take on that-”

[Jasper]:  “That’s a lot of emotional baggage to solve.”

[Clover]:  “Your- your families don’t also prepare you for random ambushes all the time?”

[Raiann]:  “I mean yes, but I also come from a military background.”

[Clover]:  “Well you can never be too prepared especially when you have random giant festivals every several hundred years.”

[Nissa]:  “I-I would say that it’s probably a bit excessive to throw the- the darts at you but we’ll um yeah we’ll I suppose we’ll circle back to that at a different time. But I wanted to um, I wanted to tell you something that might help you feel better and feel less stressed.  Um, and it’s about um a young woman who is um nameless and is not present and um one time uh she uh she she met a wonderful man and uh they got married, and to impress her mother-in-law she wanted to cook a full course meal. Um and uh she uh she uh she was a wonderful inventor and she attempted to create a device that would uh cook a turkey in a minute, and it did not go well.  There was fire and explosions involved, someone’s beard might have gotten burned off permanently and they might still be a little bit sore about that…but that’s neither here nor there! The point is, that that young woman still came back from that mistake and she’s currently fine in every way and she uh she figured her stuff out even though you know sometimes things don’t go the way they’re supposed to so you can’t, uh you you can’t spend all of your time worrying about what can go wrong and being nervous about it.  Sometimes you just have to keep moving forward you know?”

[Christina]:  “Nissa roll deception since you’re trying not to say that it’s you.”

[Jordan]:  “I was about to say we’re getting a surprising amount of Nissa lore in this.”

[Christina]:  “I love it.”

[Drew]:  “So that is…oh god damn my Charisma’s not good, that’s an 8.”

[Christina]:  “So she, she immediately clocks that this person is you that you’re talking about and she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Oh it’s okay I’ve burned someone too.  That’s why I’m not allowed- that’s why Wren doesn’t allow me in the bakery [alone] anymore.  I almost caught it on fire.”

[Drew]:  “She rests a hand on her shoulder and says-”

[Nissa]:  “Sweetie, if I gave up after every bakery that I caught fire, I would never have made it to DAMNED.” 

[Jordan]:  “We’re gonna need to have a talk about the lore you guys are kind of forcing me to conform to.”

[[Christina and Drew laugh]]

[Jasper]:  “I had no idea that you were a serial arsonist. That’s pretty… that’s pretty pog I don’t know that’s pretty based.”

[Drew]:  Laughs  “What is pog??  Am I old now?”

[Bingo]:  “I don’t know, I’m just trying to blend in.”  

[Drew]:  “I think I’m old.”

[Bingo]:  “Listen, I don’t know what these words mean, okay?  I’m just trying to be hip.”

[Christina]:  “Wren, gathers Clover up and sort of ushers her back inside and she kind of gives you guys a thumbs up and a thank you and pushes Clover on in.  And you kind of start to see them start to mingle with everyone and Clover immediately once she enters the party you can kind of notice that she gets this look like everything’s fine, nothing’s been going on and the party goes on as normal.  What do you guys decide to do while you’re still outside?”   

[Caitie]:  “Contemplate my life.”

[Bingo/Jasper]:  “I think we should go look at the wand.”

[Jordan]:  “The one that we have been informed is being heavily booby trapped?”

[Jasper]:  “Um, I don’t know what that word means.”

[Drew]:  “I think Nissa just kind of like breathes out, breathes out a very long sigh and literally just kind of like sits down and like lays down in the snow a little bit and is like-”

[Nissa]:  “Uh, we should uh, we should do something about the, the things…I don’t know man.”

[Raiann]:  “Right, it would appear we are-”

[Bingo]:  “Can I make a snow angel next to her?  Sorry Jordan.”

[Drew]:  “Do it do it do it.”

[Bingo]:  “I’m gonna make a snow angel next to you. It’s like extra angely because I have wings so I have a quadro angel.” 

[Drew]:  “You have a snow angel but like ironically it doesn’t turn out right because you’re using too many limbs.”

[Bingo]:  “It’s just like a blob.”

[Drew]:  “It’s just like a circle.  A fucking circle!”  

[[Laughter]]

[Bingo]:  “With rippling muscles.”

[Christina]:  “What does Raiann say?”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann, seeing this, says-”

[Raiann]:  “I think it’s safe to say that at least most of us will be keeping some form of watch over the manor.  Um…I would advise those of us that are not emotionally stressed or…making snow circles, will be the lookouts.  Everyone else should get some rest for tomorrow.”

[Jasper]:  “I wonder who they’re talking about.”

[Christina]:  Laughs “It’s a mystery.”

[Bingo]:  “It is, truly.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa looks over to Jasper and is like-”

[Nissa]:  “I, I kinda spaced out I’m not really sure.”

[Raiann]:  “Just go to bed!” 

[Christina]:  “Okay, so you guys go back to your quarters.  You said you’re gonna rotate keeping watch?” 

[Jordan]:  “I imagine it’d mostly be Raiann and Aelar since Aelar is high elf so he only needs four hours and then Nissa appears to be having a moment and Raiann does not trust Jasper for shit.”  

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.”

[[Transition]]

[Christina]:  “Alright, so as you guys settle in for the evening it’s, unfortunately while you are keeping watch you do notice that the snowfall starts to pick up very heavily because as earlier stated there was a storm coming through and so it is now heavy ass snowfall just landing on the town.  Pretty appropriate for for this time of the year especially in a winter town but go ahead and whoever is for first watch roll me…I don’t know if this one would be I guess- what are you guys looking, you guys are just looking for anything or-?”

[Jordan]: “That’s how I imagine it would go.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so I guess this would just be a perception check.”

[Caitie]:  “Am I on first watch or are you Raiann?”

[Jordan]:  “I dunno little spoon what you thinkin?”

[Caitie]:  “First watch it is.  Oh my god are you fucking kidding me?!”

[Bingo]:  “Oh you must’ve rolled really high.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s my what, second natural 20 of the game?” 

[Jordan]:  “You know, it’s nice being on this side of it.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “You know it is nice being on this side of it.”

[Christina]:  “Alright so, as you are taking watch Aelar, through the snowfall you notice a weird small angry creature.  You really can’t necessarily make out what exactly it is but it kind of waddles-”

[Jordan]:  Laughing  “It’s Nissa.” 

[[Laughter]]

[Drew]:  “She’s just like – I couldn’t sleep!!”

[Jordan]:  “I’m going back to makin’ that turkey!”

[Drew]:  “The snow can calm my rage!”

[Christina]:  “Oh my gosh.”

[Drew]:  “Nothing will help me stop sweating, nothing!!”

[[Laughter]]

[Christina]:  “It’s…it’s kind of waddling and that’s, that’s really honestly all you can really tell.  It’s- it’s heading away from the place where you’d been pointed out that Clover and her father would be at it’s, so it’s not going towards that.  It doesn’t look like it’s really moving with any difficulty or irregularity but it is kind of waddling about just looking like a waddly small thing.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay so I see, this angry thing waddling towards me, and I assume that it’s Nissa-”

[Jordan]:  “With a nat20 I think you can see past my dumb joke.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s fair.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, so there’s an angry penguin outside.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah no, you know it’s not Nissa- but because of how heavy the snowfall is you aren’t exactly sure what it is.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright…

[Christina]:  “You just know that it is a small creature and it waddles.”

[Drew]:  “Angry penguin.”

[Christina]:  “And there were a lot of birds at the feast earlier.  You do know that birds are very common in this town, at least of the waddling variety that would be cooked.” 

[Jordan]:  “Was Jasper eating penguin??!”

[Drew]:  “Christina is it actually a penguin?”

[Christina]:  “It’s not even a penguin.”  

[Bingo]:  “Wait.  I have a theory!”

[Christina]:  “That’s the wrong waddle.”

[Bingo]:  “I have a theory.”

[Christina]:  “Wrong waddling.  What’s your theory?”

[Bingo]:  “I think it’s Jasper’s brother – Asper.  Who got the inverse, where he has a human head and a bird body.”

[[Christina stifles laughter]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh I hate all of that.  Please stop.” 

[Drew]:  “I don’t often call out for this, but someone please draw that.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m going to call out for something unusual too – no one draw that.” 

[Caitie]:  “Yeah…same..?”

[Bingo]:  “It’s already been drawn, you can’t stop art.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh god…”

[[Bingo and Drew laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “I can try.”

[Bongo]:  “Unfortunately, the human head is way too big for the bird body so the head just kind of drags-”

[Jordan]:  “Yes I understand why the imagery is horrifying!”  

[Bingo]:  Laughing  “And it just drags along the snow.  But that-”

[Jordan]:  “I very much imagine this thing dragging its own head with all of its might.  And I hate all of it.”

[Bingo]:  “But they have a very handsome head. It looks like Michaelangelo actually.  It has like soft curls and and a chiseled jaw.”

[Christina]:  “Alright well fuck the rest of the campaign that’s exactly what’s going on outside.”

[Christina, Drew, Caitie and Bingo laugh]]     

[Jordan]:  “Christina I will stop you right there and – I’m gonna have to stop you.  Don’t.”

[Christina]:  Composing herself  “No, not really, but…yeah you – I’ll just say also with your nat 20 you do remember that there were a lot of other types of birds that it looks like could maybe fit that description from what you saw at the feast earlier.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay…I guess I’m just gonna hold off for now and see if it comes any closer.”

[Christina]:  “Mkay.  So it kind of just is weirdly like ominous out there uh the the small thing that you see.  It doesn’t get closer, but it is just kind of… I guess the easiest way to describe it is ominously existent out there.”

[Caitie]:  “Ominously existing…”

[Christina]:  “Yes like, looking at this thing you’re just like, you just don’t like looking at this thing.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay”

[Christina]:  “But it doesn’t really seem like um yeah i know so it doesn’t it doesn’t get closer um but you don’t you don’t get a good vibe looking at it just something about it is off.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay”

[Christina]:  “I mean, do you do you want to try to cast a spell on it?”

[Bigno]:  “It’s Asper, I swear to god.”

[Christina]:  “Do you want to wake the others and let them know that it’s out there?  Do you want to go try to see what it is by yourself?”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna-”

[Bingo]: “I think you should go kick it.”

[Drew]:  “I second that.”

[Bingo]:  “So, if I’m resting in the hotel are we spooning, or no?” 

[Drew]:  “Aelar is fully awake but Jasper is still spooning him.”

[Christina]:  “Pigeons do sleep standing up, don’t they?”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, so here’s my theory.  My like actual- I do think that the spooning idea is fun but I think that in actuality Jasper would stand in the corner like completely still in a contrapposto pose just like his dad.”

[Jordan]:  “Why do you do this?”

[Bingo]:  “And I think that-”

[Christna]:  “He sleeps in a position of a marbled statue?”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah.  I think canonically yeah.  But I do like the idea of us spooning.  Only so that we can get closer as a team.  How big is the waddling thing, do we know?”

[Christina]:  “Aelar can tell that it is the size of some kind of small waddling creature.  Roughly the size of one of the birds that you had seen at the feast earlier.”

[Bingo]:  “Absolutely go kick it. I dunno.  I know I’m not there but…this is your conscious speaking.” 

[Jordan]:  Chuckling  “Jasper is our conscious.”

[Caitie]:  “I feel like it’s ominous but I don’t feel threatened by it.  Um…I guess Raiann.” 

[Raiann]: Sleepily  “Argh…did you see something?”

[Aelar]:  “Some ominous creature waddling outside.”

[Jordan]:  “I look in the corner where I saw Jasper sleeping just to make sure it’s not him.”  

[[All laugh]]

[Christina]:  “He’s gone!  No-”

[Aelar]:  “Waddling, not flexing.” 

[Raiann]:  “Would you say it was – something we should be immediately concerned about?  Or can it perhaps wait for the storm to pass?”

[Aelar]:  “I’m sure you’re right and we probably could wait until morning.  But I did want to bring it up in case…well in case it becomes a problem.”  

[Raiann]:  “It has been noted.  Shall we tag out?”

[Aelar]:  “Indeed.”

[Raiann]:  “Alright get your trance, I’ll keep an eye out for our…waddling friend.”

[Caitie]:  “Carefully glances over at Jasper one more time just to make sure.”

[Jordan]:  “As does Raiann.”

[Bingo]:  “I’m cooing in my sleep.”

[Caitie]:  Coos like a pigeon

[Bingo]:  “Exactly, thank you for doing that.  Have you guys ever seena bird sleep actually?  That tuck their heads into their chest kinda.  I’m kinda like that.”

[Jordan]:  “Just nose first in your armpit.  Your very human armpit.”

[Caitie]:  “Like he’s flexing in his sleep.”

[Bingo]:  Chuckles  “But contrapasso!  So very dignified!”  

[Jordan]:  “Oh lord.”

[Christina]:  “So, Raiann – as you are awake and also keeping an eye on the ominous waddling friend outside, you can also go ahead and I would say this would probably still be a perception check just for keeping like a general watch out there.” 

[Jordan]:  “Man that’s a real heavy snowstorm out there.”

[Christina]:  “What’d you get?”

[Jordan]:  “8.” 

[Christina]:  “8? Yeah no-”

[Jordan]:  “Gonna put this guy over to the side with the other failure.” 

[Christina]:  “You’ve been staring outside so much that honestly the snow just kind of, like it just all blends together you’re really not sure where the snow starts or stops.  You think the bird is still out there, this waddling bird looking thing but, that’s about all you can tell.”

[Jordan]:  “Jasper just keeps cooing very loudly and it’s super distracting.”

[[All laugh]]

[Christina]:  “The oil slick has started to spread over to the window.”

[Raiann]:  “Ah, gods!  Why does this thing produce so much body oil!!  Ugh, gods! Disgusting!”

[Drew]:  “Does Raiann look over to Jasper and he almost is like sleepwalking just like applying more oil to himself.”

[Christina]:  Laughing  “Yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “Pulls out like a milk jug full of oil, slathering himself.”

[Christina]:  “This is where the oil that comes out of the multiple item creation thing comes from, is from Jasper.”

[Drew]:  “The alchemy jug?” 

[Christina]:  “The alchemy jug oil!”

[Jordan]:  “Jasper has an alchemy jug but it only produces body oil.”

[Christina]:  “No he does produce the oil for the alchemy jug, that’s where it’s sourced from!”

[Drew]:  “Oh god.  That’s not good.”

[Jordan]:  “Ugh…I don’t like that because that means that all the other things are sourced from a singular being too and I don’t wanna think about what makes the mayonnaise!”  

[Drew]:  “Nope, nope, nope, nope!”

[Bingo]:  “It’s more of a productive effort – the mayonnaise.”

[Drew]:  “Nope nope nope.”

[Bingo]:  “And also – Asper.  Asper does play a hand in the mayonnaise.”

[Drew]:  “Oh please no.”

[Bingo]:  “Not to be confused with Jasper-”

[Jordan]:  Distraught  “SO I DON’T SEE ANYTHING through the night, can we please get to morning, god!” 

[[Transition]]

[Christina]:  “So the morning arises, again you guys wake up and there’s way more festive bells kind of on the air alerting you that it’s time to begin your morning.  You awake and you go downstairs and just like when you guys were checking in and last night at the party you see very very many teams of and families of the teams that have started like gathering for breakfast they’re chowing down on another incredible spread of food-”

[Jordan]:  “On the way down can I just like speak with Aelar real quick and just like-”

[Raiann]:  “So I don’t know exactly how today is going to go-”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann is abnormally cranky by the way.”

[Drew]:  “Wait.  So Raiann is crankier than normal cranky ass Raiann.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes.”

[Drew]:  “That’s not good.”     

[Jordan]:  “Nope.”

[Christina]:  “This’ll be great.”

[Raiann]:  “I just need to clarify this one Aelar.  If an emergency situation arises such that we need a distraction, please tell me you have adequate spells necessary to light oil.”

[Aelar]:  “Uh…”

[Drew]:  “Oh my god!”

[[Bingo laughs]]

[Drew]:  “She’s gonna fry our little chicken boy!”

[Aelar]:  “Now boss, we don’t need to be banned from this land.”

[Caitie]:  “Aelar…Aelar’s gonna pat her shoulder gently like-”

[Aelar]:  “I miss espresso too.”

[Jordan]:  “You see Raiann weep a single tear.”

[Christina]:  “Aww.  So you settle in for breakfast, if you want, or you could just say fuck breakfast and go straight towards the competition space it’s up to you.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah…”

[Jordan]:  “At this point I think we’re sprinting for the competition space.”

[Christina]:  Laughs “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa does sprint for the competition space but I feel like she grabs a couple scones from like the continental breakfast.”

[Jordan]:  “If there is a coffee Raiann will grab that but beyond that she’s like – No I need to be done with this I need to get back to some sense of normalcy.  I need The Ricks.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “I need the Ricks.  I’m glad I could derail enough of normalcy for her that she needs The Ricks.”

[Jordan]:  “Hold on, hold on.  Don’t – let’s not confuse things, it wasn’t you.  We know who the guilty culprit is here.” 

[Christina]:  “I am, I am still at heart for that.  So-”

[Bingo]:  “Uh wait wait. I have some meat hidden in my clothes, can I offer the team some before I start eating it?”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann refuses.”

[Aelar]:  “Horrifying.”  

[Bingo]:  “Okay, I’m gonna eat-”

[Drew]:  “You hold your hand out and Nissa slowly pushes it back towards your chest like-”

[Nissa]:  “Mmm, nu-uh.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay well I eat the meat that I had hidden in my chest, keep going.”  

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Oh boy.  Okay so yeah, you guys quickly grab to go breakfast and you head on over towards where you know there’s a large crowd of people walking towards, assuming that to be the direction of the competition space.  You see it’s kind of set up like you know how in most renaissance festivals when they set everything up for the king and queen they’ve got that upper higher podium that overlooks onto like a jousting space?  So that, that’s pretty much like- it’s a big open field of like recently plowed snow past like where everything had just been cleared from the night before from all of the snow that had landed. And there’s a bunch of like wooden like bleacher type spaces that have been created on each side for all of the people who are coming to watch this competition.  And I need one of you, you can decide who, to roll me a d6.”

[Jordan]:  “I can’t believe I’m saying this-”

[Drew]:  “I volunteer as tribute!”

[Jordan]:  “I was gonna say we should let Jasper do it but-”

[Bingo]:  “I don’t know how to count.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah Jasper should do it.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh wait, oh god, what’s a d6?  Oh nevermind, I got this.”

[Christina]:  “What’s a d6???”  Laughs

[Drew]:  “Oh god, this is terrible!”

[Caitie]:  “What have we done.” 

[Bingo]:  “I’m kidding!  I rolled a 6.”

[Caitie]:  “Nice.”

[Christina]:  “You rolled a 6?”

[Bingo]:  “I did.”

[Christina]:  “Oh perfect, okay! So-”

[Jordan]:  “There are 6 behemoths we need to fight.”  

[Bingo]:  “Oh wait, really?”

[Christina]:  “Um…”

[[All laugh]]

[Christina]:  “Alright, let’s see here.  You guys check in, and for the first part of the competition and the person checking you in is like-”

[Villager]:  “Oh, oh…looks like they got you all signed up for, hm…tug of wolf?  Tug of Wolf.  Alright.”

[Christina]:  “And he points you over to this space where you see this pack of wolves, there’s like four wolves hanging out and there’s a big ass rope that the leader wolf is carrying around in his mouth.  And you hear from the podium a gruff manly voice that I’m never going to be able to actually replicate introduce the start of the competition to everyone, and you guys assume that this is this is Clover’s father Menda.  And he starts off by greeting everyone he says-”

[Menda]:  “Thank you all for coming. I know that this is a very big event for many of us and I look forward to seeing what our competitors have to bring to the table for our entertainment today.  And I look forward to introducing the first competition of the day to kick things off with-”

[Christina]:  “And he looks down at a paper that was handed to him very quickly by Wren.”

[Menda]:  “Tug of Wolf!”

[Christina]:  “And everyone cheers and an artificed kind of light appears over you guys in the middle of the daylight and the wolves run out onto the competition field dragging this big ass rope behind them, and he continues and he says-”

[Menda]:  “Now our competitors today are going to have to prove if they are worthy of of this feat of strength against our handsome wolves who are known as the beefy tug of war squad!”

[Drew]:  “Why is that their name?!”

[Christina]:  “Ask Sophie.”

[Jasper]:  “Wait.  Wait.  I have  something to confess.”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Jasper]:  “These muscles are just for appearance, I’m very weak. My bones are made of glass I’m so fragile.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann puts-”

[Christina]:  “Have fun with this one!”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann puts a hand on Jasper’s shoulder and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Don’t worry.  I’m sure you’ll be able to fulfill a role admirably.  After all, they look hungry.”

[Jasper]:  “I still have more meat in my robes.”

[Nissa]:  “You did happen to stuff yourself with meat which was probably not bright.”

[Raiann]:  “I disagree.”

[[Christina and Bingo laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Cranky, non-caffeinated adequately Raiann.”

[Christina]:  “I was gonna say, you had some caffeine, just not adequate caffeine.”

[Jordan]:  “Not espresso.”

[Christina]:  “So how how this is gonna work is, since there’s four of you I’m gonna have each of you go and roll a strength check basically like per round. And we’re gonna do that and the winner of that round will decide if it’s a win, lose, or tie situation.”

[Jordan]:  “Can it be athletics?”

[Christina]:  “I mean I feel like I- yeah I mean yeah athletics is probably specific of strength.”

[Jordan]:  “Very much is. It’s the only skill check associated with strength.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, so athletics.”

[Jordan]:  “Good I’m proficient in that.”

[Drew]:  “If we, if we could figure out a way around doing it that way are we allowed to do that or is that like against the rules of the competition?”

[Christina]:  “You, you may- um… you may present your points and I will decide if they would allow them.”

[Jordan]:  “Troublemaker Christina is trying so hard not to say yes lay it on me I want to hear your dumb bullshit.”

[Christina]:  Determined  “I want to know what it is so bad!!”

[Bingo]:  “Can I use a spell?”

[Christina]:  “That was what Drew was asking.  Yeah if you can figure out a way for this to work that- if it would work for that then I want- Christina wants to say do it!  But DM Christina says no.”

[Bingo]:  “I’d like to cast suggestion.”

[[Drew or Jordan gasps]]

[Bingo]:  “And it’s a saving throw of wisdom.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay.”

[Christina]:  “ Is it on a single person? Is suggestion a single target?”

[Bingo]:  “Sorry let me look…I think it’s only one. Yeah it’s one.”

[Christina]:  “You notice of the four wolves, just to kind of give you a little bit of who you might want to target, there is a kind of more fluffy, angrier, snowier looking wolf of all of them and then the other three are just regular like regular wolves covered in snow.”

[Jordan]:  Amused “The angry floof boy.”

[Christina]:  “The angry floof boy.”

[Drew]:  “He floof.  But he also boof.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, so I can make them do anything as long as it doesn’t hurt them.  That’s good. Yeah I’d like to try to cast it on the floofiest of all the floofs.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, what’s your spell save?” 

[Bingo]:  “Uh 14 for wisdom.”

[Christina]:  “So what were you trying to suggest?”

[Bingo]:  “I want it to pull towards us, so like turn around in line and pull against the other wolves with us.”

[Christina]:  “So what- so that’s what you attempt to do-”

[Bingo]:  “Okay”

[Christina]:  “What the floofiest boy does is he growls angrily and you get this like super super angry mean look at you guys, and he pulls even harder.”

[Jasper]:  “Oh…that’s all I got guys.”

[Christina]:  “I mean you guys can still roll the strength check, the suggestion failed so you’re still going to have to roll the strength check.  I’ll say that Jasper can roll the strength check first since that was his attempt at suggesting.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, um I got a 18 minus 2, so I got a 16.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m sorry, what did you say you got on the dice again??”

[Bingo]:  “I got an 18, and then it’s minus 2 so it’s a 16.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my fuck you weren’t kidding.”

[Caitie]:  “Yikes.”

[Bingo]:  “We’re gonna die.  Absolutely.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, well let’s see how our angry angry boy does. He…is too distracted being angry and somehow Jasper’s slick, oily hands get better grip on the rope, and you guys actually do win that round.”

[Jasper]:  “Hooray!”

[Jordan]:  “This game is fuckin’ wild.”

[Bingo]: “Yay!”    

[Drew]:  “It worked!  Somehow!”

[Jordan]:  “Our negative 2 modifier weak bird boy managed to do it.  Holy fuck.”

[Christina]:  “It was very close that round but not quite.  Who’s next?”

[Jordan]:   “I mean I have a plus 5 to fuckin’ athletics I could just try and do a straight roll I don’t have any fun things I can do but-”

[Christina]:  “That’s fine.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann’s stronk.”

[Drew]:  “Stronk Raiann!”

[Jordan]:  “Hopefully Raiann actually decides to roll well for fucking once.  There we go!  Okay, I got the same thing Bingo did on the die but that means I got a 23.

[Christina]:  “Haha, well yeah, Raiann’s just pure decaffed self is gonna rage through that one and the wolves don’t stand a chance.”

[Jordan]:  “I just one arm just yank them like-”

[Raiann]:  “I am done with this!”

[Christina]:  Giggles  “Yes. Okay!”

[Drew]:  “So I would like to go next and I really hope this plan works because I don’t- I don’t think I could make it work the traditional way.”

[Jordan]:  “Jasper has a minus 2 modifier I think it’s possible.”

[Drew]:  “Someone else might also have a minus 2-”

[Jordan]:  “What the shit people!?” 

[Drew]:  “I am intelligence-based.  I needed a dump stat, I was like, there’s no way I’ll need to use strength, and here we are.  So I have a different plan that I hope works.”

[Christina]:  “What is your- what is your secondary attempt?”

[Drew]:  “So she fishes through a little like a bag there again, and she pulls out a set of goggles and pops them on and then taps them and you can kind of see like some magical runes sort of flash over on the side. As these are eyes of charming. Because I get three infusions and I can use – I used two of them to imitate other items one of which were the eyes of charming.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “It has three charges of charm person that I’m gonna try to use on I guess the main big boy wolf.”

[Christina]:  “Floofy boy?” leafy

[Drew]:  “Yep.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.”

[Drew]:  “And that’s it’s gonna be a DC 13 wisdom save.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.” 

[Drew]:  “I’m gonna say-”

[Nissa]:  “Hey can I um just have that please- the, the rope?”

[Christina]:  “He growls and he pulls harder.”

[Nissa]:  “Oh dear, oh no!”

[Drew]:  “Okay I’ll roll it oh oh fuck oh fuck.  So that was a 16 on the die so that’s 14.”

[Christina]:  “The wolves pull Nissa ove-”

[Drew]:  “Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. I do have one more thing I can do.”

[Christina]:  “Oh, okay.”

[Drew]:  “I am going to use, um shit what is it called, it’s an artificer feature-”

[Christina]:  “Now hold on, before you do whatever your artificer feature is I will let you know you know there’s at least three other rounds of competitions you guys have to get through.”

[Drew]:  “I – I need to like get past this.  Cause this-”

[Bingo]:  “If you have mage hand you could add that for an extra few pounds of force, just sayin’”

[Caitie]:  “Only up to 10.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah up to 10 pounds.”

[Drew]:  “I was gonna use my Flash of Genius, this is a 7th level ability, you can gain the ability to come up with solutions under pressure.  When you or another creature you see within 30 feet of you makes an ability check or saving throw you can use your reaction add your intelligence modifier to the roll.”

[Christina]:  “Okay cool.”

[Drew]:  “So I’m gonna do that.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Which is plus 4, so that’s an 18.” 

[Jordan]:  “That’s much more better.” 

[Drew]:  “She’s like pulling it and she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “Wait a minute, I know science!”

[Drew]:  “And then like thinks of some science shit and just kind of kicks snow at the wolf in its eye.”

[[All laugh]]

[Drew]:  “She’s like, wait a minute why am I pulling with my muscles I could be pulling with my brain!  And also kicking snow in its eyes.”

[Christina]:  “So the wolves almost toppled Nissa over, but then the snow happens and the snowy wolf is kind of like releases it just enough that you guys meet.  So it’s a tie that round.”

[Jasper]:  “I’ll take it!”

[Nissa]:  “Yay!”

[Jasper]:  “Let’s high five but not too hard!”

[Drew]:  “I have three more of those.” 

[Christina]:  “So, at this at this point you guys have two wins and one tie, so the wolves are kind of like sad and their tails are not wagging nearly as fiercely anymore.  But there are four rounds so you guys do still have to do the fourth round even though the wolves know they’ve lost.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “Have fun Aelar.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay, well, I guess I won’t waste a spell slot on this and I’m just gonna roll strength.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  Oh god, why did it roll away from me.”

[Jordan]:  “Do you have negative 2 strength too?”

[Caitie]:  “No.”

[Jordan]:  “I was about to say I can’t be the only one.”

[Caitie]:  “I have, I rolled a 14.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, the wolves are too sad too sad and they just let go of the rope and they don’t want to play anymore.”

[Caitie]:  “Aww.”

[Jordan]:  “I feel kind of bad.”

[Christina]:  “ It..they rolled…they rolled a-”

[Drew]:  “Can I pet the wolves?”

[Christina]:  “4 plus 4 so 8. You- you can attempt to pet the wolf.”

[Drew]:  “I want to attempt to pet the wolf.  I feel so bad.”

[Caitie]:  “Do you have animal handling?”

[Christina]:  Laughing  “Yeah, you’d have to roll me an animal handling check for that and they don’t like you guys very much right now.”

[Jordan]:  “I think we should try and stop her.”

[Drew]:  “I would like to rescind my offer to try and pet the wolves.”

[Jordan]:  “You go to pet them, feeling a little bit bad but Raiann just grabs you by the head and is like-”

[Raiann]:  Firmly  “No.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Nissa’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “That’s probably fair.” 

[Caitie]:  “I was totally gonna see if I could use Polymorph and turn them into puppies.”

[Jordan]:  “That is a 4th level spell and we are on contest one!” 

[Caitie]:  “I know…”

[Christina]:  “Yeah…Alright, so next next round who wants to roll the d6 for?”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, I’ll take it this time.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Caitie]:  “4.”

[Christina]:  “Okay..  oh-kay let’s see…”  Starts to giggle  

[Jordan]:  Knowingly  “Oh god.”

[Christina]:  “I like this one.”

[Drew]:  Also knowingly  “No.  No.”

[[Christina giggles harder]]

[Bingo]:  “It sounds like it’ll be easy.”

[Christina]:  “I mean it is, probably.  So you guys see Menda stand back up um you notice he he does kind of put his weight a little bit more on him- on the staff as though he’s almost like a little too tired already for just being the morning and you guys see him look down he’s like-”

[Menda]:  “All right!  The next competition from these competitors is “It’s Reining Deer!”  Wren why did you come up with this name?!”

[Christina]:  “And the game is called ‘It’s Reining Deer.’  And he sighs-”

[Menda]:  “You all must catch four deer but they also can fly.”

[Jasper]:  “Eh…”

[Drew]:  “Why-wha-mmmmmmm….”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll admit, the slow burn to catch what you were doing was infur-”

[Bingo]:  “OH THEY’RE REINDEER!”

[Jordan]:  “-iating.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Bingo]:  “Oh my god I didn’t realize that.  I thought they were just deer with wings.  Oh my god.”

[[Jordan and Christina die of laughter]]

[Bingo]:  “Does one of them have a glowy nose?  Or will we get copyrighted?”

[Drew]:  “Shit is Rudolph like a copywritten character or is he just like some folklore-”

[Jordan]:  “Absofuckinglutely not.”**   

**Rudolph is a copywritten character and we make no claims to ownership of it, simply making jokes.

[Christina]:  “I – I will say that-”

[Drew]:  “I don’t know if they came up with him afterwards.”

[Christina]:  “I will say that these ones are not any kind of glowing noses or anything.  But they are very elaborately adorned with bells and other such colorful items to mark them as the deer you must catch.  Sso they are flying deer you again must try to catch them.  A success on catching more than two of them will win you the round.”

[Drew]:  “What is the check, and if you say strength I will be so upset.”  

[Christina]:  “So you must succeed on a DC12 grapple check.”

[Jordan]:  “That would be strength.”

[[Drew fumes]]

[Christina]:  “Or, OR! If you have another type of magical spell that can restrain a creature you may use that instead.”

[Bingo]:  “Does it have to be restrained or can we just hold it?”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t like the way you said that.”

[Bingo]:  “Like if someone were to hypothetically- huh?  I just want to hold it…” 

[Jordan]:  “Does it count if we caress it?”

[Christina]:  “I mean also you can also convince it like via an animal handling check to come down to the ground with you if you can figure out a way to get close enough to attempt that.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, what if someone like rides on it?  Hypothetically.” 

[Christina]:  “If you can convince it to come down to the ground while you ride on it, then yes.”

[Jasper]:  “I’m a bird.”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit yeah, Bingo can straight up fly.”

[Jordan]:  “How do you keep forgetting this??”

[Christina]:  “Yes.” 

[Drew]:  “‘Cause…I don’t know! Like most DnD characters can’t straight up fly!!”

[Bingo]:  “It is so useful. If I wasn’t so you know, stupid and weak I think it’d be broken.”

[Drew]:  “I think you’re the only person that we could trust with flight on their character to not use it horribly.”

[Jordan]:  “Ya sure about that?”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah, I did purposely give myself terrible stats.”

[Drew]:  “Well, to not use it like in a game-breaking way.  Just to use it in a way that breaks our minds and our sanity.”

[Jordan]:  “Fair.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so how would you guys like to approach the reindeer?”

[Jordan]:  “Bingo can do her thing of flying-”

[Bingo]:  “We gotta reign them in.”

[Jordan]:  “-I gotta check something for Raiann real quick ‘cause I may have a dumb thing I can do.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.”

[Drew]:  “I too have a dumb idea.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “But Bingo first.”

[Bingo]:  “So if I get on it midair, does that count?”

[Christina]:  “You have to convince it to come down to the ground with you somehow.”

[Bingo]:  “Lame, uh okay I have an idea.”

[Caitie]:  “How tall are reindeer?”

[Christina]:  “Um…they are medium creatures?  So… 5 feet tall? 4-5 feet tall? The ones with antlers maybe a little taller.”

[Caitie]:  “And are there many males?”

[Christina]:  “It looks to be split down the middle.  2 male 2 female deer.”

[Caitie]:  “Can I cast minor illusion to look like a very beautiful female reindeer?”

[Christina]:  Intrigued  “What’s the language on Minor Illusion?”

[Drew]:  “That could backfire in ways that you’re not expecting.  Are you sure?”

[Caitie]:  “It’s just an illusion like I- I wouldn’t actually be a reindeer.”

[Drew]:  “It’s just there is a norse god by the name of Loki who can tell you how that went real far south real fast.”

[Jordan]:  “Next thing you know dad’s riding your baby into battle and that’s just awkward.”

[Caitie]:  “You can create an image of an object no larger than a five foot cube.  It can’t create sound, light, smell, or any sensory effect and physical interaction with the image reveals it to be an illusion.  I the creature uses its action to examine the sound or image the creature can determine if it is an illusion with a successful intelligent investigation check against your spell save DC.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Caitie]:  “If the the creature discerns the illusion for what it is the illusion becomes faint to the creature.”

[Christina]:  “So you guys were told earlier that Deerling was very stupid.  And if you would like to assume that this applies to most other deer as well, then this plan could work.”

[Caitie]:  “I explain it to Raiann and see if she has like ropes ready to catch things or grapple with because she is strong.”

[Jordan]:  “I look to Aelar and say-”

[Raiann]:  “Can you get them roughly 10 feet in the air or like 10 feet from the ground.”

[Aelar]:  “Am I absolutely gorgeous?”

[Raiann]:  “Do that I’ll drag them down.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  So…let me roll just to see if they can, decide somehow, that this is not a real deer.  I don’t have high hopes for them.  Get it?  ‘Cause they’re in the air.”

[[Caitie and Jordan groan]]

[Drew]:  “Boo!”

[Christina]:  “What’d you say your spell save DC was?”

[Caitie]:  “14.”

[Christina]:  “It’s 14?  Okay, yeah I really don’t think they’re gonna save this hold on.  No, that’s a 3.  That’s a 7 on the die, minus 4.  So a 3.”

[Jordan]:  “Minus 4???  Jesus!”  

[Christina]: “They’re VERY stupid.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah so you know that scene from Hercules, when Pegasus is led astray by Pain and Panic dressed up as a female Pegasus?”  

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Caitie]:  “In their best my little pony cosplay.”

[Christina]:  “The two, the two male deer like look over and they see Aelar’s fake female deer impersonation and they get the ‘aooga’ look in their eyes and they immediately sprint down towards you.  Like sleigh bell sounds and all.”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Once they’re roughly 10 feet off the ground I’m going to spend a ki point to cast Step of the Wind, jump 10 feet in the air, and grapple the fuckers.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so that’ll be two different grapple checks.”

[Jordan]:  “That is quite all right.”

[Christina]:  “And I think I roll your opposed strength, or is mine dexterity, I don’t remember…”

[Jordan]:  “You can- the way grapples work is that the grappler has to use strength but the escapee can use either strength or dex.  Uh, that being said good luck beating a 22 on that first one.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “No.  Nope.  They are fully still entranced with the fake Aelar deer. They did not, did not do very good at all…at all.  One of them got a, one of them got a 4, and one of them got a 12.”

[Caitie]:  “Yikes.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah…so they coming down with me.”

[Christina]:  “Okay so you have, you have two deer.  You have two deer so you must catch one of the female deer that is up in the air.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, can I fly up to one of the remaining deer?”

[Christina]:  “Sure!”

[Bingo]:  “Okay, I’m gonna try to get on it’s back.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, roll me Animal Handling.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay that’s a…oh my god I have a positive modifier on this!”

[Christina]:  Softly  “Yay!”  

[Bingo]:  “I got a 10 plus 3, that’s a 13.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  So you get on it’s back.”

[Bingo]:  “Yes!”

[Christina]:  “It’s not super thrilled about this.  But you’re on it’s back.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay.  I’m gonna try to soothe it, and then guide it down.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, alright, so yeah roll me another animal handling check to see if you can try to maneuver it to the ground.”

[Bingo]:  “Oh rough…I got a 4 plus 3, a 7.”

[Christina]:  “You did better than it did at trying to buck you off. So uh you, you very ungracefully do manage to kind of slam it into the ground.  I will not say land it on the ground.”

[[Bingo laughs]]

[Bingo]:  “That’s fine.”

[Drew]:  “It’s like bucking and hitting him in the face and Jasper’s like- it’s cool you guys I got it!”

[[All laugh]]

[Christina]:  “Okay!  So you guys have successfully beaten two of the competitions.  You know that there are two more left so one of you can roll me a d4 now.”

[Drew]:  “Bingo again!”

[Bingo]:  “Why again??”

[Christina]:  “‘Cause you’re our guest!”

[Bingo]:  “I’m so stressed out, I don’t even know how how to play. 1.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, it’s Tug of Wolf again!”  

[Bingo]:  “Well I- you know that I can’t count Christina!  I got a 1.”

[Christina]:  “Ooh, alright.”

[Drew]:  “Now it’s Beholder Ball!  Fight a Beholder!” 

[Christina]:  “Okay.  This one’s probably literally my favorite one.”

[Jordan]:  “You said that about the last one!” 

[Christina]:  “So he stands up again he’s like-”

[Menda]:  “Alright.  For our third competition of the evening, we have Play Grunger!”

[Christina]:  “Everyone starts cheering and the crowd kind of stands up and starts stomping their feet and you notice at the very end of the field appears this kind of flag like looking area and- as if it was manifested and he continues to explain-”

[Menda]:  “You all must cross the vast sea of things being hurled at you and make it to the flags without getting knocked over.”

[Christina]:  “And this is a,  this is a fun little um, fun little frogger reference.  And you notice next to you is actually another team that steps up and he says-”

[Menda]:  “Before your competing team.”

[Christina]:  “And they’re all these little tiny frog people.  And and um Raiann you would know that these are these are little tiny Grunges, from uh from just all of the vast knowledge and stuff that you have acclimated from being the leader of DAMNED.”

[Drew]:  “Christina, I- I hate to be the one to tell you this but they’re called Grung(Gruhg).”

[Christina]:  “I like ‘Grung (gruhnj)’ better.”

[Bingo]:  “I thought they were called Groge.”

[Drew]:  “Are they grunge rock Grung?  Like are they wearing flannel and like listening to lithium.”

[Jordan]: “You need to stop.”

[Christina]:  “So anyway the Grungus – I think Grunges sounds better than Grungus.”

[Jordan]:  “No one said Grungus!”  

[Drew]:  “Grungi.  The Grungles.”

[Christina]:  “There’s multiple of them, there’s four of them, and in case you were curious also per Sophia the names of these Grunguses are Ted, Tub, Eduardo of Destruction, and Kai.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh?”

[Drew]:  “I like Eduardo of Destruction.”

[Jordan]:  “I like Kai.”

[Bingo]:  “I like Ted.”

[Christina]:  “The leader feels left out.”  

[Bingo]:  “Wait, if we just kill these things then we don’t, then we could just like leisurely go through the course.”

[Jordan]:  “Finally we’re on the same wavelength.”  

[Christina]:  Internal 1st time DM panic “So you guys have been told you have to try to cross this like- essential ‘valley’ without getting knocked over by shit that’s gonna get thrown at you.  Um, and so uh, at least for this one, at least one person must succeed at pulling the flag that is like on your side.  So to answer your question yes.  You could murder these poor little frog people and keep them from getting the flag.  But.  You still have to get your flag.”

[Drew]:  “I- I would like to ask, and you continue what you’re talking about. I’m asking for just general knowledge.  Is there a referee?”

[Christina]:  “I mean the literal king of Chioni Falls is watching over you.”

[Drew]:  “I know, but it’s like, is there like a referee on the field though?”

[Christina]:  “Like someone that’s going to be like- foul play, go back 20 feet!”

[Jordan]:  “Someone who looks like they might have, I dunno, really low Wisdom saving scores.  I assume is the question.”     

[Drew]:  “I dunno, is there a referee?”

[Christina]:  “There is not a referee, but you do have to contend with the crowd of angry people that may throw things harder at you if they don’t like what they see.”

[Drew]:  “Dammit.”

[Bingo]:  “Wait, can I ask a question real quick?”  

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Bingo]:  “Do we all have to pass the finish line?”

[Christina]:  “No.  Only one of you needs to go get the flag.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, I have a question.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Bingo]:  “Okay so I’ll just take the lightest person and I’ll just fly above everything and then we’ll reach the end.”

[Christina]:  “You’re still going to get shit chucked at you though.”

[Jordan]:  “I appreciate the two dimensional thinking you have.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my god, Christina figured out the age-old like way to defeat every sport in DnD and that she made it so like the crowd can throw shit at you.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s what void ball needed.”

[Drew]:  “We’ve seen two examples of people trying to like put sports in DnD and it fails horribly because the power of flight exists.”

[Caitie]:  “I could cast Haste on you.”

[Christina]:  “And the valley is about 180 feet long.”

[Jordan]: “Damn, so close.  Actually, wait. Hold on, one second. Caiite, read me Haste.”  

[Caitie]:  “Choose a willing creature that you see within range.  Until the spell ends the target’s speed is doubled-”

[Jordan]:  “That’s all I needed to hear!”

[Christina]:  “Okay…”

[Caitie]:   “It also gains a plus two to AC-”

[Jordan]:  “Don’t even fucking care about that, I can clear this in a round.”

[Christina]:  Surprised  “Oh!”

[Caitie]:  “And has an advantage on dexterity saving throws.”

[Jordan]:  Reiterates “I can clear this in a round.”

[Christina]:  “All right, so I’m guessing that’s what you guys do?  Let’s, let’s see it.”

[Caitie]:  “Yep!”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, do you haste me?”

[Caitie]:  “I haste you!”

[Jordan]:  “I spend another ki point to Step of the Wind again, so my speed is doubled, my base speed is 45 by the way.”

[Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “So I’m now up to 90, and I can now use a dash as a bonus action so I’m just going to run 180 fucking feet which I believe was the exact number you just gave.”

[Christina]:  “Yep.”

[Jordan]:  “And get the flag thank you.”

[Drew]:  “I feel like this is like, all right, and go! Nyoom!!”

[[The girls giggle]] 

[Jordan]:  “Every single one of these contests has just been Raiann becoming increasingly more and more done because the prior day was just her getting fed up of Jasper and wanting to go home more than anyone.”  

[Christina]:  Laughs “Pretty much!”

[Bingo]:  “But Jasper hasn’t been a huge hindrance.”

[Jordan]:  “No he really hasn’t.”

[Bingo]:  “I would like to remind everyone.  I have-”

[Drew]:  “He’s actually like come in pretty fucking clutch.”

[Bingo]:  “I haven’t ruined anything on purpose so there’s that.”

[Jordan]:  “I do need to specify.  This is Raiann’s opinion, not mine.” 

[Bingo]:  “Well you know, I didn’t suspect that you didn’t like me until now.  And now I’m ‘sus.”

[Jordan]:  “We’re going onto the next game now right?”

[[Christina sighs]]

[Drew]:  “I just would like to say that Nissa seeing Raiann clear that challenge so quickly like literally sheds a single tear and she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “I’m gonna get home in time!”

[Christina]:  “Awww.” 

[Jordan]:  “I feel like Raiann is completely forgotten about the promise to Nissa at this point.”

[Christina]:  “Aww.  At this point, the crowd has been cheering and a couple people like preemptively started throwing small things onto the field, and then you just zoom over and everyone’s like- Awwww… And they sit back down all holding like chairs and shit.”

[Raiann]:  “Next!”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Does Raiann do a dab?”

[Jordan]:  “No, Raiann is too pissed off to dab.”

[Christina]:  “Menda’s like-”

[Menda]:  “Welp, didn’t uh, didn’t think that one would happen, never, never seen that before.”

[Christina]:  “And the grunges are like hopping around angrily they’re like-”

[Grungs]:  “I just wanted to-” Mumble angrily 

[Christina]:  “And they just go away angrily and he begins reading off what would be the last competition of the morning and he’s like-”

[Menda]:  “All right!  For the last competition that our fair travelers must compete in they must face-”

[Christina]:  “And all of a sudden Clover looks around and she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Dad…dad!”

[Menda]:  “What honey? Honey what, I’m in the middle of something.”

[Christina]:  “And she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Dad, where’d your staff go??”

[Christina]:  “And roll me a perception check, all of you.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my balls.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay that’s not terrible.  14?”

[Bingo]:  “I got a 19.”

[Drew]:  “I have finally been gifted a natural 20!”

[Caitie]:  “That’s better than my dirty 23 baby.  Get it!”

[Christina]:  “So, yeah no, Nissa you and all of your excitement about getting home on time for this turkey, the making that you’re trying to do, catch another bird angrily honking and dragging a staff badly.”

[Drew]:  Laughing  “I.  Hate you.”

[Christina]:  “This came up before, before Gossdrick.”

[Drew]:  “I hate you for what you’re doing.”

[Christina]:  “This came up before Gossdrick by the way, I want you to be aware of that this was not because of the Gossdrick joke.”

[Drew]:  “His name was Goosestav.  You know that.”

[Christina]:  “Goosestav, whatever his name was, it was before Goosestav. But-”

[Jordan]:  “I forgot about this fucker.  I actually legitimately forgot about this fucker.”

[Bingo]:  “That’s a really good name.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, so not everything is completely random.  Only most of my brain. Anyway, you guys notice the small but angry looking goose dragging the staff away, badly, like it’s honking it’s like- HONK, HONK. And it just is full of rage, just full of guttural rage as it’s trying to drag the staff away.  And he’s just like-”

[Menda]:  “I thought we killed all the geese honey?”

[Christina]:  “And she’s like-”

[Clover]:  “Ohhhh. Fuck.  Sorry dad.  Deerling mentioned a fucking, um, angry snake bird?  Angry snake bird.  I guess that’s what he was talking about.  I guess he’s not so stupid.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my good golly gosh.  So that’s really happening.  Okay then.”

[Jasper]:  “That’s my cousin.”

[Christina]:  Laughing  “That’s your cousin?!”

[Jasper]:  “That’s my cousins, Goosetopolis.”

[Christina]:  “Raiann, you are closest at the moment to this goose that is trying to drag this staff away.  Everyone else, you are 180 feet away.”

[Drew]:  “It’s 180 feet away from us?”

[Christina]:  “Because it’s by the podium which Raiann is by which you guys are on the other end of, because you did not partake in the last competition.” 

[Drew]:  “Oh shit.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh great, the melee character.  Fantastic.”

[Christina]:  “That was complete coincidence.  Okay, so what would you like to do Raiann?”

[Jordan]:  “How close is this thing to me?”

[Christina]:  “Uh, he’s about, I mean, he’s still close to you but he’s not like super close.  I’d say he’s probably about 45 feet.”

[Jordan]:  “Is it 45 feet up, or can I run and get it?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah no, it’s like trying to go down the stairs of this podium.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, it’s on ground level.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah like-”

[Jordan]:  “Ground level, 45 feet away-”

[Christina]:  “No, like you know how like the podiums like i said earlier, the podiums that like those renaissance festivals that kind of go up pretty high like I’d say that they themselves are probably about 20 feet in the air and so this thing’s about halfway down those stairs for the podium.  And so he’s probably about 30 feet away and then that whatever that diagonal is up so about 45 feet total away from you.”

[Jordan]:  Oh well shit I don’t even need the fact that haste is still on me.”

[Christina]:  “No.”

[Jordan]:  “Now before I announce what it is I’m going to do, I have one very important question I need to clarify with the group.” 

[Drew]:  “Yeah?”

[Caitie]:  “Hm?”

[Jordan]:  “Who was it that wanted Aelar to go kick the bird?”

[Drew]:  “I think it was Bingo.”

[Bingo]:  “It was me, it was me.”

[Jordan]:  “You want to see dreams come true?”

[Bingo]:  “I do.  I really do.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m going to run at this thing.  Full fucking speed.  And I’m going to punt that motherfucker right back up the stairs.  And beat this fucking bird to death.”

[Drew]:  “I’m imagining that she kicked it up in the air and did one of those backflip soccer kicks.”

[Jordan]:  “Just tell me how many times I need to hit the thing. I’m a monk with haste, I hit all day.”

[Jasper]:  “That’s a cool rap, where’d you hear that?”

[Drew]:  “Oh boy.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann boiling rage.”

[Christina]:  “I need to know what you- I need to know what you do during this round.”

[Jordan]:  “So movement speed just to go up to it-”

[Christina]:  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “ And then while it would make more sense for me to use my overpowered flaming nunchucks-”

[Christina]:  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “I did promise a bird punt.  So I’m instead just going to do more traditional monk stuff and unarmed strike this motherfucker.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “As many times as I need to.” 

[Christina]:  “How many times is ‘as I need to?’ Like how many times can you hit it?”

[Caitie]:  “Get it!”

[Jordan]:  “Let’s see, I have my one basic, I have- Caitie does haste give me multiple attack actions?”

[Caitie]:  “…plus two advantage on dexterity saving, additional… and it gains an additional action on each of its turns.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay”

[Caitie]:  “The action can be used to take an attack, one weapon attack only, dash, disengage, hide, or use an object action.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, which means I can attack this thing upwards of five times.”

[Christina]:  “And how much damage do you do each time?”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god.”

[Jordan]:  “If I’m just doing straight unarmed then that would be one d6 plus four. I’m assuming the goose does not have a lot of hit points.”

[Christina]:  “You can assume what you would like about this goose.  But I just need to know how many times you hit it.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, I mean I guess I’ll just keep on rolling it until this thing is done.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Shouldn’t you like roll to hit?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, please roll to hit it.”

[Jordan]:  “17.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, you hit it.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, should I just roll all my attacks and then do damage?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s a dirty 20.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Extra action attack from haste- 15.”

[Christina]:  “Miss.”

[Bingo]:  “Oooh.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s super upsetting.”

[Christina]:  “Uh-huh.  So you hit it twice?”

[Jordan]:  “So far.  Bonus action empty hand, well apparently that’s going to miss because it’s a 14 and this thing has dumb AC.  And then spending a ki point for Fury of Blows, okay that’s gonna hit that’s a 14 on the die.”

[Christina]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]:  “So I got three hits.”

[Christina]:  “Okay how much damage do you do?”

[Jordan]:  “Let’s find out.  Not bad, 22 points of bludgeoning damage.”

[Christina]:  “Okay. So as you quickly sneak up on this mother fucker, and you said you punt it?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  “In what direction?”

[Jordan]:  “Back up the stairs.”

[Christina]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]:  “I’m not letting this thing get out into open territory!”  

[Christina]:  “So you you punt this little angry shit back up the stairs.  And it still manages to hold on to the staff.  And it honks at you angrily looking like not even phased by the fact you just kicked it up the stairs.  And it goes, and it like jumps down the podium, not giving a fuck and you hear Wren go-”

[Wren]: “Oh no. Oh no…”

[Christina]:  “And she looks over at you, she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “So, in the area…we have gotten reports of what people have started calling ‘Goosedras.’”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my fuck.”

[Drew]:  “Noooo!!!”

[Bingo]:  “What’s a goosedra?”

[Jordan]:  “It’s a homebrew monstrosity that I am now extremely upset over.” 

[Christina]:  Chuckling  “Yeah.”

[Jasper]:  “Hey that’s my family.”

[Drew]:  Laughing “What?”  

[Raiann]:  “Why, pray tell, would information like this not be made very publically available??”

[Jasper]:  “Listen…that’s my cousin.”  

[Raiann]:  Angrily  “I will deal with you later!”

[Wren]:  “To be fair, there’s a lot of random shit people see, because they get lost in the snow and then they get delirious ‘cause they get frostburn.  So it’s hard to know what’s real and what isn’t, and honestly a multi, multi-angry goose is kind of one of those things that we chalked up to being fake.”

[Christina]:  “But I need all of you to roll initiative, please.”

[Jasper]:  “You know, you guys would think that the goose came from the bird side of my family but he actually came from the statue side, it’s very interesting.”

[Nissa]:  “You are insinuating, that not only that there was a living statue, that fucked a pigeon but that also there was a different living statue that fucked a goose?”

[Jasper]:  “Listen.  I’m not telling you what to think.  I’m just telling you what happened.”

[Drew]:  “Oh god.”

[Bingo]:  “And I got a dirty 22.”

[Christina]:  “You said a 22?”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Bingo]:  “I’m so powerful.”

[Drew]:  “Wait, what were we rolling?”

[Jordan]:  “Initiative.”

[Christina]:  “Initiative.”

[Drew]:  “Oops.  That is…”

[Caitie]:  “14.”

[Drew]:  “I got a 21.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay…”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t know if you heard but I also got a 14.”

[Christina]:  “Oh no I didn’t.  Okay so which of you two has the higher bonus?”

[Jordan]:  “I would imagine me.”

[Christina]:  “Probably.”

[Caitie]:  “Pigeon boy.”

[Bingo]:  “I have a plus 3 for initiative.” 

[Jordan]:  “I have a plus 4.”

[Christina]:  “Wait I thought Aelar had the other 14?”

[Caitie]:  “Oh, oh yeah I’ve got a plus 3 so she goes first.”

[Christina]:  “So Jasper, you see this thing angrily jump down, staff’s still in hand[beak] and it is now just on the ground still pretty far away from you but I would say it’s probably close to 160 feet because it managed to clear a lot of that space as it kind of angrily fluttered down.”

[Bingo]:  “160 feet okay um yeah I’m just gonna try to dash to it. Um, I’m gonna fly dash so i think when I fly I get 50 feet let me check that… so if I dash that’s a hundred feet so I’m just gonna try to get closer to it and I’m going to call out to it and I’m going to say-”

[Jasper]:  “Cuz! Wait up.”

[Christina]:  “It honks at you angrily.”

[Jasper]:  “That’s, that’s just how family is sometimes.”

[Christina]:  “Okay Nissa I think that’s you.”

[Drew]:  “I can really only take a dash action to try to get closer, and what… what else could I possibly do…”

[Christina]:  “No yeet my bodies?”

[Drew]:  “I still wouldn’t be in range to yeet my body.  So only a dash action.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, that leaves Raiann next.  It is now on the ground again, but I assume with haste that you still make it.”

[Jordan]: “I could just fuckin’- I mean you said this thing jumped down, right?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, it’s a little bit further off from the podium, so from where the podium is on the ground it’s about 20 feet away from there because of the angle from which it jumped off.”

[Jordan]:  “I could probably just follow it that way.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, yeah do it.  Do what you’d like.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, since apparently this is not a puntable duck-”

[Christina]:  “Goose.”

[Jordan]:  “-because I need to actually try a little bit. So, let’s do some dumb monk bullshit.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “So-”

[Christina]:  “Bring it.”

[Jordan]:  “Now, I pull out the flaming nunchucks. I’m going to go ahead and make my first attack at it. Ooh baby baby that is an 18 on the die.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, you’re gonna hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh-huh, so we’re gonna do two things with this hit. One, I’m going to spend a ki point in order to do a stunning strike on it.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Two, I’m going to spend another ki point to also do I think it’s called a depth strike but I get to like spend a ki point to add like another my martial arts die to the damage on this hit. Uh so while I now grab way more dice than I did last time for this attack go ahead and roll me a constitution saving throw.” 

[Christina]:  “Okay, does a 19 pass?”

[Jordan]:  “…yeah.”

[Christina]:  “I hope you know that was one of his bad stats.”

[Jordan]:  “That is good to know because unlike my adding additional damage thing, I am super not limited on the number of times I can stunning strike. Well, I mean I am but you know, semantics.  It’s a very different limitation.  So that first one is going to be let’s see, 15 bludging damage and 1 fire damage.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]: “Second attack, uh does a 16 hit?”

[Christina]:  “We go with rules of meet hits, right?”

[Jordan]:  “I believe so, sounds familiar.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah so it hits.”

[Jordan]:  “Sounds familiar. Okay cool, stunning strike again please.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, let’s see here…”

[Jordan]:  “I’m gonna stun this fucking thing and give us free damage.”

[Christina]:  “18?”

[Jordan]:  “God, fu- I thought you said this was a bad stat?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, I just rolled really good both those times.”

[Jordan]:  “Stop that.”

[Jasper]:  “The strength runs in the family.”

[Jordan]:  “10 more bludgeoning damage and 5 fire damage.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Haste attack, that’s a 15 on the die, that’s going to be another hit.  How many points have I used… one two three, okay I have two more Stunning Strike. I will stun this goddamn thing so help me.”

[Christina]:  “7.” 

[Jordan]:  “He’s stunned!”

[Christina]:  “Okay so is that until the start of your next turn?  Or how long does that last for?”

[Jordan]:  “Until the start of my next turn.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “And that is going to be 9 bludgeoning and 3 fire damage.  And then I’ll just do the one bonus action One Arm Strike.  Shhhh…well.  Alright.  Um…so that was a Nat1.”   

[Drew]:  “Welp.”

[Christina]:  “But it’s stunned so.”

[Jordan]:  “You know what, I did a lot of damage and I did the thing I set out to do, I have virtually no ki left, but you know what? I’m trusting all of my magical friends when they eventually get over here can do some things.”

[Christina]:  “Yep.  Okay, so that is Aelar’s turn.”

[Caitie]:  “How far am I away from the goose?”  

[Christina]:  “You’re 160 feet from it. 

[Jasper]:  “Seduce.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, so can I do a flock of familiars now?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.”

[Caitie]:  “And do three venomous snakes.”

[Christina]:  “Can can you summon them within range of it?  Like what is the summoning range on that?”

[Jordan]:  “Also real quick is that a concentration spell?

[Christina]:  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, if you do that I won’t be hasted anymore.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh, okay well then I won’t do that.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean you’re also a conjuration wizard, you’re gonna have to use concentration for something at some point, I’m more just pointing out this.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah but if I take haste off of you then you lose a turn.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, oh shit, that’s right.  I forgot about that part of haste oh, oh…oh.”

[Christina]:  “That part we normally don’t have to take into consideration because we just gain a point of exhaustion instead.”

[Drew]:  “I mean, you do have, you know, like who is within like uh a good amount of distance of the goose? Like it’s just Raiann near the goose right now right?

[Christina]:  “Raiann and Jasper  is closer to it I think that Jasper said that they are within 60 feet of it now.”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah I’m within 60 feet.”

[Drew];  “I’m just saying as far as if there was some kind of a spell that created some matter of ball of fire the only one near it is uh-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh.”

[Drew]:  “-a monk who could probably pass a dex save and already has fire resistance because it’s a dragon.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, first of all that’s not how that works I’m a green dragonborn so-”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit yeah I forgot.”

[Jordan]:  “However, I am a level seven monk and have evasion.”

[Christina]:  “Exactly, you probably just have to move closer.”

[Caitie]:  “You know what I also have that she could use a dex save to evade?  Ice Knife.”

[Christina]:  “I will say-”

[Jordan]:  “Fireball is also way stronger like-”

[Christina]: “I will say this-”

[Caitie]:  “You’re right.”

[Christina]:  “This duke-  this goose just looks angry, but looks virtually unphased after Raiann hit it.”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t like that you said that because I used a lot of resources to hit this thing.”

[Christina]:  “You’re- you’re all level seven characters Jordan this is an easy encounter according to how I’ve made it.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna shoot a fireball.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so that’s a dex save, right”

[Caitie]:  “Yep.”

[Christina]:  “Well what’s your save- your spell save?”

[Caitie]:  My spell save is 14.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah no. it doesn’t pass, so it’ll take the full Fireball.”

[Jordan]:  “I got a 17 so I’m good.”

[Caitie]:  “8d6.  Let’s see here- 34.”

[Jordan]:  “Thank god for evasion.”

[Christina]:  “He is looking rather toasty, he’s got a few, he’s got a few singed feathers.  But he’s still up.  So that brings it back to Jasper!”

[Bingo]:  “Okay okay okay um you know what I’m gonna cast Fireball too.”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit, you have Fireball?”

[Bigno]:  “Yeah, I’m cool!”

[Drew]:  “God dammit, I’m the only one that doesn’t get Fireball.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep you’re the only one.”

[Bingo]:  “Yep, yep it’s only you.” 

[Christina]:  “Not the monk that also doesn’t get Fireball.”

[Jordan]:  “That doesn’t get spells.”

[Bingo]:  “I’m going to do a Fireball and it’s a dex 14 save.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann’s fine.”

[Christina]:  “Okay so he does save so he’ll take half.”

[Bingo]:  “29.  So half of that?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, so 14.”

[Bingo]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, so still still toasty bird. You smell the distinguished smell of a cooking bird in the air but he is still angrily honking away.  He would be running around as if he was on fire but is currently stunned and so it is now Nissa’s turn.” 

[Drew]:  “Alright, so Nissa, now being like within appropriate range, again fishes in her little like handbag thing, and pulls out this kind of odd looking wand that looks like it was kind of modified into halfway a wand halfway some kind of a gun, her arcane firearm, and she levels it at the goose and softly whispers to herself-”

[Nissa]:  “Tonight I shall feed my family the holiday goose.”

[Drew]:  “And she’s gonna cast a scorching ray on it.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Now the arcane firearm it allows me to add a d8 of extra damage to like one spell damage thing that’s going at a particular person-guy and scorching ray shoots three rays so I’m gonna apply the d8 to the first ray and we’re gonna hope that it hits.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  Progressively cackling more “No…”

[Christina]:  “Is it a Nat20?”

[[Drew still cackling]]

[Christina]:  “Alright…

[Caitie]:  “Was it a 1?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, that’s a 20.”

[Christina]:  “That’s a 20.  Alright, roll your nat20 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Here’s the thing, do we use my crit rules?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah no, we’re still using the regular crit rules.  So go ahead, roll that nasty, nasty crit damage and see what happens.”

[Drew]:  “Oh my fucking god.”

[Christina]:  “Right, so what’s, what’s the max base that we’re dealing with at least?”

[Drew]:  “So each ray is 2d6 fire damage and then like I have the added d8 to it with my arcane firearm.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god, this is going to be a toasty bird.”

[[Christina starts doing math]]

[Drew]:  “So only the first ray gets the d8.  I need to roll to hit for each of the ray so this is just one ray.”

[Christina]:  “Oh okay.”

[Drew]:  “It’s not quite so horrible.  So it’s the max that the die could roll for a crit added on?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah added on.  So-”

[Drew]:  “So 12 plus 8, that’d be 20. Plus whatever I roll here, which is 14 so 20 plus 14, 34. So the next attack is going to be 18.”

[Christina]:  “To hit?”

[Drew]:  “That’s 18 to hit.”

[Christina]:  “Oh yeah, you hit.”

[Drew]:  “10 damage. And the last one 22 to hit.”

[Christina]:  “That hits.”

[Drew]:  “And that will be 6 damage.  That is all of my things I can do I think.”

[Christina]:  “Okay!  Yeah so, this goose starting to look real cooked.  Really, really cooked.  One could say the goose has been cooked, but not quite yet.  He is, he’s still honking angrily still alive.  Looking way less alive than before, but still hanging in there just on pure angry spite.”

[Drew]:  “Nissa is like way too aggro right now, she’s like-”

[Nissa]:  “I’m gonna fucking eat you!  I’m gonna serve you up with gravy!  And tasteful hors d’oeuvres!  I’m gonna make sure the presentation and the plating is perfect.”

[Christina]:  “Alright, Raiann?”

[Aelar]:  “The real question is canned or fresh cranberry?” 

[Jasper]:  “You know it’s weird-”

[Nissa]:  “Um, fresh cranberry, I’m not a savage.”

[Jasper]:  “I’m fine with people eating birds, but it is a little bit weird when I’m related to it.  Would it be weird for me to eat my own cousin? Probably not.”

[Nissa]:  “Yeah, just don’t think about it.”

[Jasper]:  “Yeah…that’s true.”

[Christina]:  “Raiann?”

[Jordan]:  “Okay… Do I want to try and- I only have one more ki point, I don’t know if I want to try and like stunning strike this thing again just buy us an extra round or if I just want to just use literally every attack I have available to me.”

[Christina]:  “I will say that it’s a very toasty looking goose. Like he is- like I said he is hanging in there on pure spite.”

[Jordan]:  “Every attack of my arsenal it is. First one, a big meaty 11 to miss.  Raiann stop this.  Stop this right now. 15 misses, right?”

[Christina]:  “Yes it does.”

[Drew]:  “Wait, how close is Raiann to me?”

[Christina]:  “Did you move last time?”

[Drew]:  “Ah, I forgot to move last time, I didn’t move.”

[Christina]:  “I mean, we can just retcon and say you moved if you had movement available to you.”  

[Drew]:  “Okay I’m 25 feet closer.”

[[Bingo scoffs]]

[Drew]:  “I am very small and I’m doing my best.”

[Christina]:  “She angrily runs over a meaty 25 feet, okay.  That, yeah, so you’re 135 feet away from Raiann.”

[Drew]:  “Nevermind…you’re too far away from my genius advice.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s okay I appreciate the effort, I still have 3 more attacks.”

[Christina]:  “I will say that you aren’t too far away for, for this and that Wren like claps as she’s like-”

[Wren]:  “Come on guys, cheer them on!”

[Christina]:  “In like a mimicking voice to Clover’s. And you are going to get… the fuck is her inspiration…I believe it’s a d8…yeah.  You have a d8 of inspiration.”

[Drew]:  “Is Wren a bard?”

[Christina]:  “She is.”

[Drew]:  “Nice.  Oh my god, changeling bard, the most unstoppable force on this earth.” 

[Christina]:  “I love her.”

[Drew]:  “Hey, you’re not the king!  Yes I am!  Well I believe that!”

[Jordan]:  “So I just wasted that inspiration.”

[Drew]:  “What happened?” 

[Christina]:  Laughing  “What happened?”

[Jordan]:  “Well I guess I wouldn’t use the inspiration until after the roll, I just kind of rolled them simultaneously, but my d20 was a 1.”

[[Everyone else simultaneously groans/makes sound of empathetic pain]]

[Jordan]:  Joking  “Why do you guys get to roll all the nat20’s and I roll nat1’s this is bullshit.”

[Christina]:  “You’ve gotta put that dice in dice jail man.”

[Caitie]:  “I know.  You’re supposed to be the most badass one here.”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck off!  I kicked it okay! I’m the one that-”  

[Caitie]:  “Get your shit together!”

[Drew]:  “I mean, Raiann was a real one throughout the challenges though.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah I didn’t see you running 180 fucking feet, piss off.”

[Caitie]: “That was pretty impressive.:

[Jordan]:  “18 to hit.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah that hits.”

[Jordan]:  “Rolling damage!  Motherfucker, god damn it.  That was 8 bludgeoning, 1 fire.  Damn it.”

[Christina]:  “Okay…”

[Drew]:  “I’m just imagining the goose like nimbly dodging all of Raiann’s attacks and like every time it ducks underneath her hits it like honks right in her fucking face.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, that’s pretty much what happens. It’s just like – Waaaah!!”

[Jordan]:  “Fortunately I still have one last ki point and god damn it flurry of blows is happening.”

[Christina]:  Amused  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “I was really hoping that would have been a nat20 that would have been so fucking hype.  But that is still a dirty 20 to hit.”

[Christina]:  More amused  “Kay, so you hit.”

[Jordan]:  Determined  “C’mon, do good damage!  Eh, not the worst.  That is 11 bludgeoning, 1 fire.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so.  You go at this thing angrily after missing a bunch. And you like hit it with your nunchucks like back to back, the crowd is cheering you on just watching this thing get walloped across the field, and like that last lick of fire damage like crushes its skull in.”

[Jordan]:  “Yes!!”

[Caitie]:  “Finally!”

[Jasper]:  “I don’t know how to feel about this.”

[Drew]:  “Is that in character, Raiann is just like – Awww, yeahh!!”

[Jordan]:  “Maybe a little bit.”

[Drew]:  “Out here working the crowd, like who do you love!”

[Christina]:  “Yes, so the goosedra has been cooked.”

[Drew]:  “Boooo.”

[Christina]:  “And the staff is just laying next to it, and you see you see Clover kind of helps her father down. Wren supporting his other self as he kind of like hobbles on over and like picks it up.  And he looks over at you he’s like-”

[Menda]:  “Thank you. I-uh… as Wren mentioned we did not quite take any of those reports quite seriously enough because how could you?  It’s a multi-headed goose that people called a goosedra.”

[Raiann]:  “Sir.”

[Aelar]:  “That’s probably fair.”

[Raiann]:  “If I may be blunt.  If you had any idea some of the things that I have seen, or that most people outside of this village have seen, you would have taken that maybe even the slightest bit seriously.  So so if I may be a professional in this one to the best of my abilities – the next time someone says that there is a potential threat to your town in any way maybe at the very least- look into it!

[Jordan]:  “And Raiann just walks off, angrily grabs the goose’s head and drags it with just pure rage strength.”

[Christina]:  “I love it.  He doesn’t even,  he doesn’t even blink, he’s just like whatever, like not even phased by you being angry.”

[Jordan]:  “I turn to everyone else-”

[Raiann]:  Shouting  “Nissa, I have your goose, we’re going.”

[Aelar]:  “Perhaps we may be able to call this round won.”

[Christina]:  “Yes, so as you angrily drag off the goose, everything is is pretty much closed up there.  You hear him not even miss a beat and doesn’t really even care about whatever you just yelled at him and so he stands tall and lifts his staff above him and he says-”

[Menda]:  “Well that was that was quite a battle and certainly enough of of a crowd pleaser to go ahead and pass along the right of the Keeper to my daughter!”

[Christina]:  “And he hands the staff over to Clover and she raises it into the air and it takes on a new form as she attunes with it, it’s no longer a staff as it was for her father, it actually takes on the form of a bow and it has very similar bright bells and colorful balls adorning it on the upper and lower limbs.  And instinctively almost she goes ahead and she shoots an arrow into the sky and a pyrotechnics goes off in the middle of the day and everyone cheers loudly and you guys are all able to get back to your holiday holiday adventures of normality.”

[Bingo]:  “Whether or not they like it I tag along with everyone back home.”

[Jasper]:  “I can’t go to my mother’s uh holidays because I killed my cousin, and I don’t want to face my aunt so-”

[Raiann]:  “If you even attempt to come back with us there will be multiple birds on that table.”

[Jasper]:  “Listen, I’ll be, I’ll get on any table that anyone wants. But, I do think that we are best friends forever now.  So, here we are.”

[Christina]:  “Instead of that happening Jasper.  What actually happens is, Jasper you look over into the crowd and you actually see someone that is very familiar to you.  And to you this is your all-powerful statue who keeps watch of you in hard times, and you know to question or search for this great being any further would be blasphemous as his mighty marbledness only appears directly to those who are worthy.  And he beckons to you.”

[Bingo]:  “You know I go.”

[Drew]:  “Do we see this?”

[Christina]:  “Roll me a perception check.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann’s hella gone, I do not.”

[Drew]:  “I got a 16.”

[Caitie]:  “Fucking shit, I see it.”

[Drew]:  “I also see it.:

[Christina]:  “Nissa and Aelar both see this.”

[Drew]:  “What does the guy look like to us?  

[Christina]:  “A vampire.”

[Bingo]:  Laughs  “Oh well.”

[Drew]:  “I feel like Nissa just kind of looks over at Aelar and is like-

[Nissa]:  “I think we can agree that we don’t need to intervene in that.”

[Aelar]:  “Yes, absolutely.  Shall we go home?”

[Nissa]:  “I suppose we shall.”

[[Outro plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys, thank you all so much for listening. Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper.  We’re adding those to the end of each episode as a little something for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, we have some plugs and promotions!  

For anyone in the South Charlotte area, check out ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose’ on Facebook.  They’re a local bakery that specializes in, you guessed it, cheesecakes!  They do custom orders and delivery so it’s a quick and easy way to satisfy your sweet tooth.  

We are also partnered with ‘Black Feather Graphics,’ they’ve helped us with the show before, designing our logo and official art used on our social media.  They’ve recently started to specialize in apparel so check them out at blackfeatherapparel.com.  

Finally, our own Drew McClain is the fitness genius behind Kinetic Concepts. When he’s not reciting the holy scriptures of Bahamut, Drew is a personal trainer who customizes your workout to your own needs. He’s helped me get in fighting shape and is also helping my brother to prepare for a marathon.  To get yourself in shape just find Kinetic Concepts on instagram.  

If you want to support the show, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Agents of DAMNED and Twitter @AgentsofD.   We also have a patreon at Agents of DAMNED where we post episodes a week before their standard release, alongside our aftershow Peek Behind the Screen where we talk about what happened in the episode and what we think will happen next.  

Finally, check out our website at agentsofdamned.wordpress.com where you can get access to full transcriptions of every episode and learn a little bit about the show’s creators.   Until next time, bye!!”

[[Outro ends followed by TV static]]

[Bingo]:  “T’was the night before Christmas and the adventurers were about, not a creature was screaming except for a goose that went honk honk honk.”

[Bingo]:  “Wait, are you subtweeting yourself Jordan?  I’m so confused.  Oh so Raiann’s subtweeting herself, got it.”

[Bingo]:  “Thank you for reminding me that I have alcohol.  

[Bingo]:  “I can’t believe your head is somewhere else, how do you live like that?”

[Drew]:  “What the actual fuck.  What the actual fuck.  

[Jordan]:  “You’re bringing some real Bit Betty’s energy and I don’t know how to deal with it.  Can we morning before things degrade any further like my god.”

[Drew]:  “Heh, like Aelar teleports up to her and he’s like, how dare you be better dressed than me punches her in the boob.”

[Christina]:  “Good lord.”

[Drew]:  “I will not be upstaged!  Karate kick.”

[Jordan as Raiann]:  “I was so worried about the bird I forgot about Aelar, oh no!!”

[Drew]:  “Aelar’s been like sneaking like drinks this whole time like- that’s right it’s party Aelar now, what now??” 

[Bingo]:  “I kind of like the idea of me just appearing and no one explaining my existence so then I disappear into a void.  Much like Jasper, no one needs to know who Jasper is or why he’s so oily.”

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