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Episode 18: Up Your Arsenal

The Agents have gotten their new toys and are ready to receive their next mission. But that’s not to say they won’t do a bit of shopping first.


Up Your Arsenal

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED!  I am your sometimes benevolent often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman.  And as always I am joined by my fellow players-”

[Caitie]:  “Hi guys I’m Caitie and I play Saithe.”

[Christina]:  “Hey guy, I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “And I’m Drew McClain and by Bahamut’s superior silverware I play the good doctor Arlo Agon.”

[Jordan]:  “I keep forgetting that those aren’t innuendos and my first thought is always – in what way does this relate to his junk and it’s always really weird in that mindset.”

[Drew]:  “Honestly at this point you’re the one that’s more obsessed with his junk.  I’ve grown as an artist, I’ve moved away from that subject.  You’re living in the past man.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re past your genital phase-”

[Drew]:  Laughs  “I’m past my genital phase.  I’m in my blue period now.”

[Jordan]: Quickly  “Blue ball period what?”  

[Drew]:  Laughing more  “Man fuck you.  Not even fuck you because of the joke but fuck you because that was good and I didn’t think of it.”

[Jordan]:  “Getting back on topic!  We are getting ready to see the Agents head off on their 3rd mission.  Before we get to that I think we need to remember what happened during the intermediary period since Silverymoon.    

Last time!  Winterra spoke with Bookworm, quite literally, as Bookworm revealed that she could verbally speak druidic by manipulating the wind with her magic.  During their conversation, Winterra learned that Bookworm, along with Orillo, Yarvem, Raiann, and Oudart were the founding members of DAMNED.  Winterra promised to keep Bookworm’s druidic communication a secret.  

The following day, Arlo and Winterra confronted Saithe in the dining hall and the trio had an impromptu study session on the manual containing the world’s newer laws and regulations.  During this group pow-wow, Saithe finally revealed the true nature of her recent magical abilities and her connection to Asmodeus.  She also told Arlo and Winterra about the circus that cursed her to forever smile.  Prompting the others to promise to help her find said circus and end the curse.  

The following day, the group was treated to a day of fun and relaxation for DAMNED’s mandatory recreational initiative, B.E.A.C.H.D.A.Y.  After crushing Divine Shield in a questionably friendly game of void ball, the gang found that Nnelg had been hired into the organization and decided to get tattoos to celebrate.  At the end of the company getaway, Arlo asked Raiann out on a date, hoping to start off their romantic relationship in full.  Despite turning down Arlo’s advances,  Raiann did offer to take him to a favored restaurant of hers on weekends so they could engage in platonic camaraderie.   

Some time passed and the Agents were once again called into Raiann’s office.  In anticipation for future encounters with Ash, who had become a notable problem in Raiann’s eyes, the Agents were outfitted with new weapons and gear.  Now, they await eagerly to be briefed on details of their next mission.  And so we resume our tale.”


[Jordan]:  “As mentioned you guys have just been outfitted with a whole slew of new shit and Raiann has just said she is going to begin to inform you all on the details of your newest assignment.  But before she does that she turns over to Aelar, Nissa, and Morgran who were there to assign you your new equipment and sort of waves them off.”

[Raiann]:  “You are all dismissed.”

[Jordan]:  “And the three of them head off.  As Aelar passes by you guys though he stops for a moment and turns around to you-”

[Aelar]:  “Oh!  Before I forget- Doctor, Saithe, when you’re done here please head back down to the armory. I actually have another little thing that you guys might be interested in.”

[Jordan]:  “As they all leave, Raiann turns to you all and says-”

[Raiann]:  “So, for your next mission you all will be heading west.  Very, very far west.  To the heart of the Tymantherian Empire.”

[Jordan]:  “Now, Arlo-”

[Drew]:  “Yep.”

[Jordan]:  “You are quite familiar with this place. Because while yes, it is typically known to most people as Tymanther, to you it is known as something else – home.”

[Caitie]:  “Aww.”

[Jordan]:  “Tymanther is the country where the Dragonborn are most commonly found to be.  It is essentially their homeland and it is said to be the ancient home of the first dragons.  Now, before I go too, too far into this, Saithe I want you to roll me a history check to see what you might also know about this place.  Winterra you do not get to roll because I have a very hard time believing that you as a forest dweller somewhere nowhere near it would have any means of knowing anything about this place.”

[Christina]:  “That’s very fair.”

[Caitie]:  “Non natural 20.”

[Jordan]:  “So I would say you both have relatively equal knowledge of this place, inherently Arlo would know more since he’s from there but that doesn’t mean that your knowledge is any less invalid.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “So what I would say that you would both know is that the Tymanther Empire is separated into two large divisions. Separated by a large mountain stretch known as the Smokey Mountains.  Now to the northern path of the mountains, is where you will find the chromatic dragons, and they tend to be divided into the Five Kingdoms – one for each of the different dragonborn races.  Like your red dragonborn, your green dragonborn, ect ect. They’re more traditionalist, they tend to stick to the old ways, not really much for keeping up with modern times.  Now to the south you will find the home of the metallic dragons and they are far more modern.  They focus on trying to have the best craft, the strongest military, and as such they are more of a united front where their governing body is a group of five elected representatives known as the Council of Iron.  Now, despite the aforementioned Giant War, which I talked about briefly last time, the relations between the metallic and chromatic dragonborn, especially amongst older members of the race are not super great.  The idea of the two groups uniting is still relatively new, and as such with the exception of younger dragonborn it is not exactly taking off super well. That would be what you guys just base knowledge know about them.  So Raiann continues speaking and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Specifically I will be having you all head to the military base of Ruinspoke.”

[Jordan]:  “And Arlo for you, this is actually the place where you received your training.  This was the very same base where you learned how to be a soldier.  Now here’s something that you know that Saithe would not know.  The town of Ruinspoke, aside from just being a median area for the Untheran Ruins it also serves as a refugee town for demons.  Now not malicious demons, but rather demons that kind of got sick of all of the bullshit of the Abyss and decided – you know what fuck that noise we’re going to head over to the material world, not to cause trouble but just to get away from all of the madness.  So you have actually had interactions with demons before, not a lot of demons, but some.  And you are even aware that the drill sergeant and person primarily in charge of training all the new dragonborn is a particularly powerful demon named Kane.  Getting back to the current, Raiann goes on to say-”

[Raiann]:  “Now, your mission there is twofold. The first thing that you need to do is recover a shipment that was lost of Ioun stones.”

[Jordan]:  “Now for this I am going to need you to roll me a history or an arcana check to see if you know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

[Drew]:  “16.”

[Caitie]:  “11.”

[Christina]:  “10.”

[Jordan]:  “Winterra and Saithe, you guys have both heard of them and you just know that they are magical stones of some sort, you don’t know the specifics of them.  Arlo you’ve heard a little bit more about them.  You know that these are stones that are said to be able to enhance someone’s abilities and even grant them amazing power.  But beyond legends like that you don’t know much about them specifically.  So Raiann continues to speak and says-”

[Raiann]:  “As I said, this is not a simple get them and go type mission.  There is layers to this one.  You see, Arlo, as I’m sure you specifically are aware, relations between the different factions of the empire are not exactly…great shall we say.”

[Arlo]:  “They’ve uh, they’ve definitely been better.”

[Raiann]:  “Arguably they’re the best they’ve ever been.  But yes, that is indeed true.  As such, knowledge of these stones needs to be kept classified.  For if either side were to find out about this, it could lead to a potential civil war depending on who gets them, be it any of the Five Kingdoms or even the Council of Iron.  If any of them were to get their hands on it, it would likely spell a one sided genocide.  This is obviously something we cannot afford.  As such, you will all be going in under a false pretense.  You are there to apprehend a fugitive that is certain to be hiding within the nearby ruins.  However, your mission does not end there.  For you also need to find and locate the operatives I had originally sent to recover the stones.  While you are there, you are to search the ruins for the stones and the group known as the Friday Night Fun Pals.”

[Arlo]: Dramatically “No. They can’t be lost! No!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

[Raiann]:  “ARLO!  Calm down.”

[Arlo]:  “Sorry, sorry.”

[Saithe]:  “That’s weird, I feel like I just saw them somewhere.”

[Drew]:  Snickers “Nice.”  *Go check out our Halloween special if you want more details there 😉

[Raiann]:  “Well I’m not entirely sure how likely that would be, I sent them out shortly after our little B.E.A.C.H.D.A.Y. errand.  During that time, they unfortunately managed to get captured.  At least, that’s what we can only assume, we lost contact with them shortly after their arrival.  So I trust that they are likely fine, they are among my finest operatives despite their…showboating they do often tend to get the job done quickly and effectively.  So, even though things have not gone well, I still choose to believe that they are fine.  That is why you will be going to provide them with backup.  And to see this mission through.  Now the rescue mission, that part can be public knowledge if you feel it will assist you.  But the stones must remain secret.”

[Jordan]:  “And she looks at you specifically Arlo and says-”

[Raiann]:  “As well as your identity Doctor.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah I was actually going to bring that to… your attention.  On a scale of 1-10, 10 being absolutely necessary, 1 being absolutely unnecessary, how necessary is it that people know that we’re there at all..?”

[Raiann]:  “The organization is allowed to be there.  They were already previously aware of our mission, or at least the front that we provided them, and were willing to accommodate the Fun Pals.  So DAMNED itself is fine.  It’s you who might be the issue.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, I uh…that came to mind as soon as you uh, as soon as you mentioned that we would be heading back to my home there.  They really can’t- well – I guess they in general really can’t know that I’m there poking around, especially on behalf of DAMNED.”

[Raiann]:  “Indeed.  It would be a shame for the Agents to lose their leader over something so trivial.  So, in addition to needing to come up with a cover name, we also will be providing you with this.”

[Jordan]:  “And she reaches over to her desk where there is a hat, very similar to the one that you wear.  And she tosses it over to you.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo catches it, or at least tries to.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll a dex check smartass.”

[Drew]: “That’s going to be a 15.”

[Jordan]:  “You catch it.”

[Raiann]:  “Well, try it on.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh, um, sure.”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo takes off his existing hat – which as he takes it off you can kind of see it’s actually pretty worn, it doesn’t look quite so much when it’s on his head but when it’s taken off you can see it’s been through a bit it’s been worn quite a lot.  And he throws the new hat on.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, now Arlo you yourself cannot initially tell there’s anything happening, however Saithe and Winterra- you two see him begin to change.  His face sort of contorts, like his snout takes on a slightly different shape than it did before and his scales begin to change from his usual shimmering golden color, to a bright crimson red.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm.”

[Saithe]:  “Huh, neat!”

[Raiann]:  “As long as you have that on I don’t think you’ll be encountering any sort of issues.”

[Arlo]:  “…This is a magic hat right?  Like it’s not like you just gave me a different hat to wear and that’s the whole disguise?”

[Raiann]:  “Look at your hands.”

[Arlo]:  “Well I- I mean my hands are always – Ah, shit!!”

[Raiann]:  “Precisely.  This is a heavily modified hat of disguise. Under normal circumstances a hat of that magnitude would only allow you to temporarily modify your looks however you see fit.  However, this one has been precoded so to speak with an already existing disguise.  You cannot change it, but it also will not wear off.  So long as you wear that while you are within the imperial limits, you should have no such issues.  That being said, there is one other aspect to this little disguise, two rather I suppose that will need to be addressed.  Obviously if you go in and introduce yourself as Dr. Arlo Agon, no amount of red scales will hide the obvious connection.  So you will need to come up with a new temporary name for yourself.  At least as far as the public is concerned.”

[Arlo]:  “Hm…”

[Raiann]:  “You don’t have to come up with it now-”

[Arlo]:  “How about Salazar Mander?”

[Saithe]:  “I hate you.”

[Arlo]:  “But y’all can call me Sal.”

[Raiann]:  Exasperated “So long as you can remember it, it’s fine.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m just gonna call you Buttcheeks McClaggon.”

[[Christina and Drew giggle]]

[Drew]:  “Where the fuck did that come from?”

[Raiann]:  “Saithe please, we’re trying to have a professional conversation, mind your tongue.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes ma’am.”

[Raiann]:  “Now the other issue is your particular dialect is more common amongst, well, golden dragonborn.  As I am sure you are no doubt aware, from well, your father, the dialect of red dragonborn is slightly different.”

[Jordan]:  “And this, in a meta sense, is my minor punishment for you coming up with a dumb name for your father.”

[[Christina snickers]]

[Drew]:  “I have to come up with a new fucking accent to speak in now?  Fine, I’ll use my Kenji voice.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann begins to speak again-”

[Raiann]:  “Now, as I made clear through your new arsenal, I believe it is a very high likelihood that you will encounter Ash once more.  Now, by assigning you these weapons I am by no means saying that I expect you to confront him head on, in fact I would like you to stand by the usual routine I have given you all before.  Avoid conflict if at all possible.  Especially now that we know that he is a dragon.  And a shadow dragon no less.  Fortunately we were able to confirm that by speaking with our resident Shadowfell expert.”

[Arlo]:  “We have a Shadowfell expert?”

[Raiann]:  “Yes, Oudart.”

[Saithe]:  “Huh.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m infinitely more confused by Oudart the more information I get about him.”

[Raiann]:  “He’s from the – have you never talked to him??”

[Arlo]:  “He’s – he’s not very nice.”

[Saithe]:  “He’s not really the talkative type.”

[Raiann]:  “Have you tried having a conversation with him?  He’s a child, he loves to talk.”

[Saithe]:  “For a child he sure uses some um… grownup language.”

[Raiann]:  “Ugh, don’t remind me.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, he told me one time I should go fuck myself with a squid when I asked him how his day was goin’.  I don’t even know what that- like how would you even do that??”

[Raiann]:  “I just…yes, the boy is from the Shadowfell and he was able to confirm my worst suspicions that you had brought to life that  Ash is a potential Shadow Dragon.  Unfortunately it also seems a particularly powerful one so, it is not terribly likely that your own magics will be able to do much harm to him.  Even if they are born of a more celestial presence.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo as you say that does a little salute up to the sky to Bahamut.”

[Raiann]:  “Oh gods…”

[Caitie]:  “As he does that Saithe looks down at the floor like-”

[Jordan]:  “Oh Christ!”

[[Players laugh]]

[Christina]:  “Terra just looks confused.” 

[Raiann]:  “Do you have any further questions?”

[Christina]:  “Terra actually chimes in at this point.  She looks over at Arlo’s hammer kind of realizing something as she brings up Ash, and she kind of glances at the gems that have just been given to him in the weaponry, and she looks back at Raiann and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “That gem that was brought up from the temple when we kind of relayed everything.  Were we ever able to know what that is that he had?”

[Raiann]:  “Unfortunately not.  Whatever it is, it is not something natively born of the shadowfell.  Nor is anything like that known on the material plane.  It is entirely possible it might be something born of Beshaba’s dark magics, however, the realm of the gods is something largely unknown to us.  As such, unfortunately our knowledge on whatever that thing is,  is limited to nonexistent.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm…”

[Raiann]:  “Though, based on the context of what…I’m sorry Saithe what do you call your cat again?”

[Saithe]:  “Modi!”

[Raiann]:  “R-right.  According to what she saw through Modi.  It appears as though it would in some way be able to influence one’s behavior.  Given of how he spoke of using it against Granaphor.”

[Winterra]:  “And how he spoke about, er- I guess how Elama spoke.  She was terrified of him!  Nothing could convince her otherwise.”  

[Raiann]:  “It is entirely possible.  Unfortunately analyzing her body would be extremely difficult at this point for a multitude of reasons.  The primary one being I am still, as we speak, trying to garter enough levy for us to be able to operate within the city of Neverwinter once again.”

[Jordan]:  “And she just looks at Saithe.”

[Saithe]:  “I sent a letter apologizing.”

[Raiann]:  “Believe it or not that didn’t have as much of an impact as you may have thought.”

[Saithe]:  “…Yeah…”

[Raiann]:  “Regardless, unfortunately we do not know anything about the gem aside from simple theories.  Regardless, you are to avoid contact with Ash if at all possible.  Ideally he will not be involved in this but that is not a chance we can take.  You must be prepared for anything.  If you have no further questions on it then I suggest you head on over and prepare yourself for the mission ahead.”

[Arlo]:  “Sounds like a plan ma’am.”

[Drew]:  “I think- before we go on I want to have a short side bar with my team.  Just before we go on this mission or go any further.”

[Caitie/Saithe]:  “Yeah I have questions.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo, as they leave the room kind of takes them aside to like a quiet corner and is like-”

[Arlo]:  “So, we are going to be going ‘round to my home.  It is uh, very important that we understand one thing.  Without getting too far into any details – if we come across a woman name Kamodra…we must avoid extended conversations with her at all costs.  That woman is sharp, and she will figure me out. And at all costs-”

[Saithe]:  “What did you do?!”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t worry about it.  It’s not relevant information.”

[Winterra]:  “Arlo.”

[Arlo]:  “Hey, hey!  When Saithe does it we’re like oh Saithe you’re so precocious, and we just let it go.  I get one, I get one alright!  And this is my one!”

[Saithe]:  “Okay, alright, we’re going to give you this one.  For now.”  

[Arlo]:  “But yeah, if we come across a dragonborn woman named Kamodra, keep it short and sweet and do your best to excuse yourself.”

[Saithe]:  “You got it.  Boss.”

[Arlo]:  “Thanks guys.”

[Saithe]:  “I just can’t take you seriously when you look like this I’m sorry.  It- it’s weird.”

[Arlo]:  “What, I’m sure I’m still handsome.”

[Drew]:  “Do I have a mirror?”

[Jordan]:  “You can find a fucking mirror!”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “You’re in a giant fucking castle. No mirrors anywhere.”

[Caitie]:  “Not a single mirror in sight.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, Arlo has a look at himself in the mirror and is like-”

[Arlo]:  “Mmm, yep!  Still look good.”

[Jordan]:  “I will say, as you look at yourself in the mirror, you do start to see more tints of your father in you than you’re used to seeing.”

[Drew]:  “Ah, so Arlo gives like a standard, ah yeah still looking good, but then he looks a little closer and starts to notice that and you both see him kind of sigh heavily and turn away from the mirror and actively avoid looking at it for the remainder of the time.”

[Winterra]:  “Arlo, are you okay?”

[Arlo]:  “I-I, yeah, I’m fine.”

[Saithe]:  “I feel like that’s a bold faced lie, but we can move on.”

[Arlo]:  “Psssh, what, psh, I’m fine what, why wouldn’t I be?”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe puts her hand on his shoulder and is like-”

[Saithe]:  “Bud.  We already went through this with me.  If you gotta do it too, you gotta do it too.”

[Arlo]:  “I just have a little bit of a past but y’know, I deal with things the clan Agon way.  Where you take all of your emotions and you form them into a little ball, and then you swallow ‘em, and then that’s how you deal with it!”

[Saithe]:  “That’s not healthy, but same.” 

[[Drew chuckles]]

[Winterra]:  “Eh…yeah, honestly.”

[Jordan]:  “You all have such healthy coping habits.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah…”


[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you guys ready to do some shopping?”

[Drew]:  “Hell yeah!”

[Caitie]:  “Let’s shop baby!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so Aelar mentioned he did want to see you guys at some point however if you want to hold off on that one for a little bit there is always the general store or the archives as per usual.  Oh yeah, and the dining hall.”

[Caitie]:  “I do want to go to the general store.”

[Drew]:  “Real quick before we start shopping I just now realized something.  So Aelar, our friend he is a homosexual, correct?”

[Jordan]:  “…yes?”

[Drew]:  “Gaylar, okay we can keep going now.”

[[Drew and Caitie laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “And now I’m going to be thinking what horrible horrible thing I’m going to do to Arlo later on in this mission.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.  Right, so-”

[Saithe]:  “I want to pick something up at the general store.  I know it’s weird I want to go there voluntarily but when I was training under them there was something cool that I’ve been saving up for that I actually really want to get.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m fine with that.  Honestly the order we do those things doesn’t really matter so if that’s where you really want to go let’s head for it.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you guys make your way on down to the general store as you find your way in there to the familiar signage of ‘Rick Slavenly’s Corporeal Oozes’ you notice there’s a new addition to sign over the storefront.  On the bottom right hand corner, there is a smaller sign that reads ‘And Nnelg.’”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Awwwww.”

[Drew]:  “Rick Slavenly’s Corporeal Oozes, and Nnelg.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep.”

[Drew]:  “I’m just imagining new people coming in and like- so I’m not sure what corporeal oozes would be but like also what’s Nnelg?  Why is it so important that he also has Nnelg.”

[Jordan]:  “How many new shoppers do you think are coming through the DAMNED HQ?”

[Drew]:  “I have to imagine that they have new recruits every so often.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean you’ve only ever seen the teams I’ve mentioned so…”

[Caitie]:  “That’s probably fair.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so as you guys head on in you receive the usual greetings once you are clocked by Rick Slavenly.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Why hello there, welcome to Rick Slavenly’s Corporeal Oozes.  I’m Rick Slavenly.”

[Jordan]:  “Rick pops up.”

[Little Rick]:  “And I’m little Rick!”

[Both]:  “How can we help you?!”

[Saithe]:  “Hi guys!  I wanted to buy some black pudding.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  Gasps  “At last!”

[Saithe]:  “Yes yes.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for one of you to purchase one of my little babies!”    

[Jordan]:  “You guys hear a groan off in the corner.”

[[Players chuckle]]

[Saithe]:  “Hi Nnelg!”

[Nnelg]:  “Hi.”

[Saithe]:  “How are you…holding up?”

[Nnelg]:  “The investigation to see who is responsible for my torment has begun.  Justice will be swift and cruel.”

[Arlo]:  “Welp, good luck with that.  I have no idea who could be, who could’ve been involved in that one there.”

[Nnelg]:  “I appreciate your honesty Arlo, it’s good to know I can trust you.”

[Arlo]:  “What?  I am not Arlo, I am Salazar Amander.”

***Note:  During this arc, [Sal] indicates Arlo speaking in his disguise, using a vaguely Asian accent where [Arlo] is used when speaking in his usual character southern accent.***

[Sal]:  Clears throat  “Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat, this is how I normally talk.”

[Nnelg]:  “…yeah okay…”

[Saithe]:  “Right!  So one black pudding, and you know, I think I might also get a grappling hook!”

[Drew]:  “Yo wait what, has that been an option?”

[Jordan]:  “Are we ignoring the fact that you have one on your tail??”

[Caitie]:  “Oh yeah I do have one on my tail I forgot that it was also a grappling hook, okay nevermind.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Yeah…so he goes- god I didn’t think you were going to be the first one to do this, this is going to be stupid.  Rick goes into the back and you just hear a bunch of jars shuffling around back there.  Until eventually he comes back with a big ol jar and slams it down.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Alright, now they need to be acclimated.”

[Arlo]:  “Mmmmm…”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Oh don’t worry my fine scaley friend. I assure you it’s a perfectly normal process.  And in fact it’s actually quite necessary to ensure their loyalty. You see, under most circumstances most oozes could be considered – and I almost can’t believe I’m saying this – semi mindless beasts. Eh, but they will just sort of attack and consume most things, and so mine have been specially bred that whenever they become acclimated to someone they form a sort of link with them and it allows you to control them at will.”

[Saithe]:  “Neat!”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Now, I assure you the acclimation process is perfectly normal and I want to make sure that while going through this that you’re completely comfortable and not in any way problematic for you.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m used to weird shit happening.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Excellent!  Strip for me.”

[[Record scratch]]           

[Drew]:  “Ummm!”

[Saithe]:  “Rick!  At least buy me dinner first!”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Well you’re paying for this one actually so…”

[Arlo]:  “Saithe blow your whistle!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god.  She shrugs.  And she does what she’s told.”

[Jordan]:  Laughs  “Do Arlo and Winterra look away?”

[Drew]:  “Arlo definitely looks away.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra is kind of confused by Arlo looking away because to her this is kind of, I mean clothes are still kind of a thing, like she doesn’t care one way or the other.  But she kind of looks at Saithe and turns away a little bit out of privacy not sure how Saithe feels.”

[Caitie]:  “She is absolutely covered in scars.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh!  Well then… I guess that tracks I just didn’t think about that.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah that does make sense.”

[Caitie]:  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “Anywho.  As you do this, Rick opens the jar and the Black Pudding crawls over towards you and kind of begins to envelop you.  Just to make sure this is perfectly, 100% clear, it doesn’t do anything bad. Whatever anyone might be thinking it is not doing that it is literally just learning Saithe’s scent.”

[Caitie]:  “I’ve seen enough hentai to know what’s really happening.”

[Jordan]:  Firmly “No it’s not.  I cannot make that clear enough”

[Drew]:  “Jordan, I feel like you’re giving a valiant effort but you will not be able to stop the horrendous fanart that will come from this moment.”

[Jordan]:  “I can try!”

[Drew]:  “You can try.  You will fail.  But you may certainly try.”

[Saithe]:  “Why am I surprised that it’s warm?”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Well why wouldn’t it be?”

[Saithe]:  “I don’t know, I definitely was expecting something more along the lines of um…”

[Jordan]:  “No please.  Say it.”

[Saithe]:  “Handmade oobleck.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “What a weird thing to say.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo in the background is just like-”

[Arlo]:  “I’m not liking anything that I’m hearing.”

[Jordan]:  “Nnelg just chimes in and says-”

[Nnelg]:  “Haven’t you been here before?  I feel like you should know about this.”

[Saithe]:  “It’s honestly not as bad as Forngal sticking his spit in my ears.”

[Nnelg]:  “Wait, what??”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah, that was a thing.”

[Jordan]:  “So this goes on for a little bit and eventually it crawls back into the jar and I assume you immediately get redressed.”

[Saithe]:  “It’s kind of freeing!”

[Jordan]:  “Okay now I feel like I actually have to ask, do you get redressed?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes, of course I get redressed.”

[Jordan]:  “You put it out there, I don’t want to assume.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe just becomes a nudist.”

[Jordan]:  “Psssh, who needs armor.”

[Drew]:  “Everyone has to fight at disadvantage because they’re using one hand to cover their eyes.”

[Christina]:  “I mean I think you’re speaking for Arlo, I don’t know what you think Winterra cares about.”

[Jordan]:  “Or the local town perverts, anyway.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Alright, he’s all yours.”

[Saithe]:  “Thanks Rick!  By the way, I drew a picture of you guys!”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Oh yeah, I saw it!  It was quite flattering!”

[Saithe]:  “I’m glad you liked it!”

[Jordan]:  “God this is 4th wall breaking as fuck.”

[Xtina note, here’s the picture~]

[Caitie]:  Chuckles  “Be meta.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “So, is anyone else interested in partaking of my delightful little babies?”

[Sal]:  “The hardest of hard passes my friend.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Why are you speaking so funny?”

[Sal]:  “This is how I talk, I am Salazar Amander.  I am a different guy.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Yeah okay.”

[Christina]:  “This is an out of character question for you, do the oozes count towards my, what are we calling it, a uh…Pocket Sphere?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh your Pocket Monster Sphere?”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “I will say you have to purchase it. Just for fairness’ sake. And as long as it abides by the same rules, yeah you can do it.”

[Drew]:  “Wait, hold on.  Does Rick count for her Pocket Monster Sphere?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh absolutely not he’s way too powerful.  His CR is definitely higher than what’s allowed for the sphere I assure you.  She will never be able to capture Rick.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god.”

[Drew]:  “What if she weakens him first?  And inflicted him with a status condition?” 

[Jordan]:  “That’s not how CRs work!”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “CR doesn’t go down because something’s weaker!”

[Drew]:  “It was a Pokemon joke.”

[Jordan]:  “I know it was but that’s not what this is!  It’s totally original, like I said last time.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, very different.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “How could I have confused those two.”

[Jordan]:  “Honestly.”

[Christina]:  “So remind me- once one of my monsters is…destroyed…” laughs, then as an aside “There’s so many different references”  Normally “Once one of the monsters is destroyed, does it go back into the sphere essentially, or is it, the slot is just gone?”

[Jordan]:  “Think of it like it’s a sort of, it’s more like you’ve captured the essence of that creature and it’s just sort of the spiritual manifestation of that creature is summoned.  So it’s still kind of just there.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so after whatever amount of time I could summon it again.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  “Okay sweet.  So then in that case yeah, let’s, let’s do one too.”

[Jordan]:  “Which thing are you getting?”

[Christina]:  “Let’s go with um… let’s go with the, ew why is it called that, the Slithering Tracker.”

[[Jordan laughs]]        

[Drew]:  “That. Is the worst name.”

[Jordan]:  “That is also too powerful.”

[Christina]:  “Oh is it?”

[Jordan]:  “CR2 is what you need to aim for.  Slithering Trackers are CR3.  Come back in another level.”

[Drew]:  “You could still buy it and use it regular style.”

[Christina]:  “That’s true.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah you can just do that and if it lives until your next level up then you’ll be able to do it then.”

[Christina]:  “I actually don’t know if I want to have that many things just yet, so I think I’ll hold off for now, so nevermind.  But I do wanna ask him for some potions and also ask Little Rick for a Pearl of Power.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s a good idea, I should probably restock up on potions.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra goes over and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Can I please have 3 Greater Healing Potions.”

[Christina]:  “And then she looks at Little Rick.”

[Winterra]:  “And do you have any Pearls of Power still?”

[Jordan]:  “They both in tandem say-”

[Rick and Little Rick]:  “Of course!”

[Jordan]:  “Rick Slavenly goes in the back to procure his potions and Little Rick climbs up his shelf in order to find a Pearl.”

[Caitie]:  “And for me I think it would be…let’s do 3 Potions and the Black Pudding I think was 1000 so 1300.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s 1100, so that would actually be 1400”

[Caitie]:  “Yep, okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright.”

[Jordan]:  “And Arlo pipes up and says-”

[Sal]:  “And I too will have a Pearl of Power my friend.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “I’m actually several centuries old but thank you!”

[Sal]:  “Ah, I was unaware of this as I am a new person.  Who has just come here today for the first time.”

[[Christina sighs]]

[Rick Slavenly]:  “Is this a game that we’re playing?”

[Saithe]:  “I really don’t think you have to keep this up here.”

[Sal]:  “I have to get in my practice.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay yeah, he gets you the Pearl of Power.”

[Drew]:  “So Arlo gets the Pearl from Little Rick and just goes-”

[Sal]:  “Oh, okay, why is it moist?”

[Jordan]:  “Little Rick winks.”

[Sal]:  “I don’t, I don’t like that response at all.  It is moist and it smells funny.”

[Little Rick]:  “Yes!”

[Sal]:  “Hm…”

[Christina]:  “Winterra starts and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Ar-Salamandeeeeerrr…you know we should not ask those questions with regards to the items or you get answers you don’t like.”

[Sal]:  “This is true.”


[Jordan]:  “Alright, where y’all heading to next?”

[Sal]:  “To the armory.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you guys leave the general store and make your way over to the armory.  Once you guys walk in, Aelar clocks you guys almost immediately, as if he’s been waiting for you.”

[Aelar]:  “Ah, hello there Arlo, Saithe!  Arlo, I love the new look!”

[Sal]:  “I do not know who you speak of, I am Salazar.  Salazar Amander.”

[Aelar]:  “Ah, doing some roleplay are we?”

[Christina]:  “Winterra rolls her eyes as hard as she’s ever rolled her eyes before.”

[Jordan]:  “So Aelar turns to you and is like-”

[Aelar]:  “So I actually heard from our newest member Nnelg that apparently you two have gotten yourselves some rather interesting new additions, compliments of himself.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh yeah!”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe shows off her arm where the new giant raven is spread out from wrist to shoulder.”

[Jordan]:  “It would actually be a murder of them but-”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.  A murder of ra-wait, is it ravens?”

[Jordan]:  “No that’s crows.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah that’s crows.”

[Christina]:  “It’s a trouble of ravens.”

[Jordan]:  “Shows my knowledge of birds.  Anywho, after you do that he’s like-”

[Aelar]:  “Exactly!  Now he also told me, and I’m not sure how familiar with this you all are, apparently using that with ill equipped armor might cause it to…explode?  I believe was his wording?”

[Saithe]:  “More or less.”

[Aelar]:  “Well, I have taken it upon myself then, at his expense, to retrofit some new armor for you that is exactly the same but more accommodating.”

[Jordan]:  “And he reveals two mannequins, each with a different set of armor on it.  Arlo, the one that you see looks like yours however it also has a different cloak of protection that seems to be split down the middle with an open back on the actual armor piece itself.  And Saithe, in your case it actually has it so that the – it has a different set of Gloves of Thievery where the left glove only goes up to the wrist as opposed to the original ones that went further up the arm.  It has it so that the entirety of the arm from the shoulder down to the wrist is fully exposed, and it takes the Cloak of Elvenkind and has it sort of spread over, like as a cover for the arm.  Very similar to one Ezio Auditore from ‘The Assassin’s Creed’ series.”

[Caitie]:  “Well I love it.”

[Aelar]:  “I’m sure you all can tell which ones are yours.”

[Sal]:  “Ah yes.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is like, literally salivating.”

[Sal]:  “I don’t know it looks like it may be a little small.”

[Drew]:  “Going over to Saithe’s armor.”

[Sal]:  “What, this armor is supposed to be mine right?”

[Saithe]:  “No!”

[Sal]:  “Oh I see, the one that is in my size, that one is my armor.  That makes more sense.”

[Saithe]:  “Ugh, you’re dumber than usual.”

[Sal]:  “Ah yes, I Salazar Amander am very dumb.  Nothing like the very smart Dr. Arlo Agon.”

[Saithe]:  “Smart?”

[Sal]:  “Yes, he is a genius!”

[Saithe]:  “Right, okay, I get it. Mhm.”

[Sal]:  “He’s the coolest guy ever.”

[Winterra]:  “Saithe, you have to promise you won’t murder him, at least not on the first day.”

[Saithe]:  “I can’t make that promise!  My promise to you all originally was that I would not kill you right away.”

[Winterra]:  “I mean by Sal’s rules this is a new person…that might count?”

[Saithe]:  “It’s pushing it.”

[Jordan]:  “So after all of that, you guys both go to get your armor.  And Saithe, as you touch your armor, you feel an intense shock go through you and you are repelled off of the armor.”

[Saithe]:  “O-ow!”   

[Aelar]:  “Oh that’s right, I almost forgot, silly me.  I put a ward on yours Saithe.  We need to talk.”

[Saithe]:  “Okay!?”

[Aelar]:  “Now normally I would love to give this away.  This is among my finest craft, but I’m already aware of your opinion of my work.”

[Sal]:  “Oh ho ho ho ho!”

[Aelar]:  “What was that ugly word that you used when you bought the armor that you’re presently wearing before it was tarnished by that oaf on the anvil?”

[Saithe]:  “Gaudy.”

[Aelar]:  “That’s the one.”

[Sal]:  “Oh ho!  It is as though she was talking all of that good shit a second ago.  And then she got attacked by the warded armor!”

[Aelar]:  “Thank you not doctor.”

[Saithe]:  Warning  “Arlo.”  

[Aelar]:  “No, no.  He’s Sal.”

[[Drew chuckles and Christina snickers]]

[Aelar]:  “And he is also not involved in this.  Your problem is with me right now.”

[Saithe]:  “All right.  What do you want?”

[Aelar]:  “Oh, just a few things.  First of all, I want an apology for you insulting my craft.  A genuine one.”

[Saithe]:  “You realize that I literally get paid to kill people.”

[Aelar]:  “And you realize I get paid to craft armor and clothing.  Of which you insulted and had destroyed.”

[Saithe]:  “Jesus Christ, you really are like a stereotypical flaming gay boy.”

[Aelar]:  “You’re really not helping yourself at all here.”

[Saithe]:  “Unggggh!”

[Aelar]:  “I take great pride in my craft, and when you had Margran spit on it, you may as well have had him spit on me.”

[Saithe]:  Sighs  “I’m sorry – nope, nope, okay, hang on. I got this.”

[Aelar]:  “I have all day.”

[Saithe]:  “Hold on, just a second.”

[Caitie]:  “She’s going to like, walk out the door, take a deep breath, spit on the ground, come back in with a perfectly innocent grin on her face.”

[Jordan]:  “Mhm.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m…sorry… that you feel as though I hurt your feelings.”

[Aelar]:  “It’ll do.  Now, here’s my second condition.  In the future, you are to treat my craft with respect.  Anything that you get from me is to remain as-is.  And, if you require any further customization from them, it will be at my discretion.”

[Saithe]:  “I can always scuff it up myself in battle.”

[Aelar]:  “No.”

[Saithe]:  “What do you mean no?? How in the hell am I supposed to fight and not scuff armor?”

[Aelar]:  “Have faith in my craft, simply put. I don’t just make it look presentable, I make it so it stays that way. But when you give it to an oaf with a magic whose entire job it is to destroy things, obviously things change.”

[Saithe]:  To Morgran and Nissa  “How much shit did he give you guys for this?”

[Caitie]:  “She’s going to turn to them on the other side of the room.”

[Jordan]:  “They are blatantly ignoring this whole thing.”

[Saithe]:  “Jesus Christ- I mean – Asmodeus…fuck he doesn’t have a last name.”

[Drew]:  “Asmodeus dodeus”

[Jordan]:  “Asmo-Deus”

[Saithe]:  “Asmo-Deus!”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, has anyone figured out why Modi is called Modi yet?”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit.”

[[Caitie starts dying of laughter]]

[Jordan]:  “Are you fucking serious??!  Did you really not catch that??!”

[Drew]:  “No!!  I didn’t!!”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck Drew damn!”

[Drew]:  “It’s the god damned lavender all over again!!”*

*We talk about this on our aftershow – Peek Behind the Screen!

[Christina]:  Snickering  “It’s like the lavender all over again.”

[Saithe]:  “Alright, fine.  But you also have to respect the fact that I have a little bit of a different style and tend not to like to stand out.”

[Aelar]:  “Please.  Do you really think I would be so foolish as to provide someone with something that they wouldn’t absolutely love?”

[Caitie]:  “She like, points at her breastplate with her arms out.”

[Aelar]:  “If you’re going to be like this I don’t have to take the ward off.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m just saying.  We both have our own preferences.  I’ll respect yours if you respect mine.”

[Aelar]:  “Mmmm… Or I just don’t give you the armor.”

[Saithe]:  “Lord almighty.”

[Aelar]:  “I don’t think you understand how petty I can be.”

[Saithe]:  “No, no.  I’m seeing it.”

[Jordan]:  “He extends a hand out.”

[Aelar]:  “This only ends one way.  Deal?”

[Saithe]:  “Fiiine.”

[Caitie]:  “She’ll shake his hand.”

[Aelar]:  “A pleasure doing business with you.”

[Jordan]:  “And he snaps his fingers.” 

[Aelar]:  “It’s yours.”

[Caitie]:  “She pokes it gently.”

[Jordan]:  “It doesn’t shock you.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, she takes it and just straight walks out.”

[Aelar]:  “Nothing else you want dear?”

[Caitie]:  “She’s already gone.”

[Aelar]:  “What about you two?  Anything else you might like or are you satisfied with what you’ve seen from me thus far?”

[Drew]:  “Oh this whole time this has been going on Arlo has been changing into the armor and he’s just kind of moving around and he’s just like-”

[Sal]:  “Ah no, this is perfect.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra’s good.  She just looks at her armor, now noticing that it has not taken anything even though she has quite literally passed out several times and has transformed into multiple different animals and she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Nope! Holding up really good.”

[Aelar]:  “But of course.  Until next time, bye!”


[Jordan]:  “So with that you guys now either have the archives, the dining hall, or just peacin’ on out.”

[Drew]:  Teasing  “I think we should go by the archives.”

[Caitie]:  Also teasing  “So Winterra can see her girlfriend?”

[Christina]:  “They aren’t dating.  Winterra looks to the other two and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Why don’t I catch you guys in the meal hall in a bit?  I have something I want to take care of first.”

[Saithe]:  “Sure!  You okay?”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah!  No, everything’s perfect.”

[Saithe]:  “Alright.”

[Christina]:  “And she means it like sincerely.”

[Drew]:  “Can I roll insight on Winterra?”

[Jordan]:  “Sure.”

[Caitie]:  “Can I roll strength to pull him away by the ear?”

[Jordan]:  “Also yes.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “You’re gonna have to roll pretty good. Especially since my insight was a twenty motherfucking five.”

[Caitie]:  “Aw shit.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Christina roll deception.”

[Christina]:  Sucks in air  “Jordan?”

[Jordan]:  “Yes?”

[Christina]:  “That was a nat1.”

[Caitie]:  “Awwww, honey.”

[Jordan]:  “He read you like a book!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo has that meme moment where he’s thinking and you’re seeing the math equations going in the back of his mind and he’s remembering their interactions before and he’s lining everything up and he’s like-”

[Sal]:  Gasps  “Ohhhh!”         

[Christina]:  “Here’s the legitimate thing. Winterra does not recognize this in herself.  So if you recognize something, you know it before she does.”

[Drew]:  “I’m fine with that.”

[Jordan]:  “Now you two roll opposed strength checks and since you are busy gawking at this Arlo, I’ll say you have disadvantage.”

[Caitie]:  “21, because it was a natural 20.”

[Drew]:  “I got a 12.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay yeah.  You realize this, but then you also feel a tug as Saithe wraps her tail around you and yoinks you away.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just looks utterly confused by Arlo’s weird expression, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Alright, whatever.”

[Christina]:  “And she heads down towards the archives.”

[Jordan]:  “You make your way down to the archives and as per usual you find Bookworm there, just reading a book.  Orillo is not there for once.  There’s also not really anyone else there that you can see, it looks like it’s just her but it’s a large library so there may be someone in there, you just can’t see ‘em where you are.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.  So she walks in and gets closer so she can take a better look around at what’s going on, and as she gets closer can she see anyone else as she approaches Bookworm?”

[Jordan]:  “No.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so as she gets closer closer to Bookworm she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Hey Bookworm!”

[Christina]:  “But it’s in druidic.”

[Jordan]:  “She looks up, and then you hear a light breeze that says-”

[Bookworm]:  “Hi!”

[Jordan]:  “And you can figure if she’s doing this there’s probably no one in there.”

[Christina]:   “Mmm.  Winterra kind of looks off to the side for a second and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “So we’re going on another mission!  And I thought it would be kind of fun…the past couple of weeks I maybe have left some friends in your archives.”

[Jordan]:  “She looks very confused.”

[Winterra]:  “Just trust me, you’ll start noticing them soon.  They have some questions that I’ve left and you don’t have to answer any of them if anything is not something you want to talk about, y’know anything you want to talk about after I get back is fine, but I wouldn’t ask them to ask anything if it was uncomfortable for you to talk about if I wouldn’t feel comfortable too.  But I just wanted to tell you that I’m looking forward to coming back and hanging out with you more.”

[Jordan]:  “She starts to blush and hides behind her book and you feel a breeze blow by that’s like-”

[Bookworm]:  “Yeah sounds good.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra looks concerned she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Are you sure we don’t need to take you to get checked out by a medic or something because that happens to your face a lot.”

[Bookworm]:  “No no, really, I’m fine please, good luck on your mission!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh gosh!  She’s so freaking cute!”

[Winterra]:  “Okay, bye Bookworm, I’ll see you later!”

[Christina]:  “And for anyone else that is confused, what is left in the library are like little small ladybugs and starflies that she has left just in places that she has noticed that Bookworm has been hanging out.  And they have various questions attached to them via Animal Messenger.”

[Jordan]:  “That will be relevant later.”

[Christina]:  “And then Winterra goes and joins the others in the food hall.”


[Jordan]:  “So you reconvene with Arlo and Saithe in the meal hall.  Orillo is there serving food as always.  You all are free to get the complimentary meal with a d10 of bardic inspiration, and you can pay the I believe it was 10 gold for the first day haste if you would like it.”

[Christina]:  “I just do the normal meal, I’m not going to do the haste.”

[Jordan]:  “Coward.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah there is a lot of risk in it.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah I’ll have the normal meal as well.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re all cowards.”

[Christina]:  “Not even just that but it’s espresso.  Winterra doesn’t like coffee.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, well since you can provide a cannon reason for it then I guess I have to accept it.”

[Drew]:  “I’m just imagining Terra’s reaction to coffee is just like – Mmm, this bean soup is so bitter and it’s way too hot!”

[Jordan]:  “Bean.  Soup.  Oh my Christ.”

[Christina]:  “No you don’t understand!  That’s literally what I wrote down!!  ‘This bitter bean juice is gross.’  When I was writing through whether she would like coffee or tea.”

[[Drew laughs and everyone sort of excitedly talks over each other for a second]]

[Christina]:  “However, Winterra does like tea.”

[Jordan]:  “I can’t with you!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god.”

[Christina]:  “She likes tea because it grows in the forest – things you can make tea with.  So she is more accustomed to that.  Coffee is way more bitter and she’s not used to it.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, welp cool.  Got to learn a few other things about Winterra there.”

[Caitie]:  “A vanilla macchiato is technically a three bean soup!”

[Drew]:  “I don’t- I don’t like that-”

[Jordan]:  “MOVING ON!  Yeah, so you guys have your individual meals, you now each have a d10 of bardic inspiration to use at any point during the mission.”


[Jordan]:  “So you all make your way over towards dispatch where you find Oudart just doing his thing floating on around.  He sees you guys like-”

[Oudart]:  “Ah!  There you are! Ready to head on out to-”

[Jordan]:  “And he pulls out a little notepad.”

[Oudart]:  “Ty-man-ther…that’s right, right?  That’s where you guys are going?”

[Sal]:  “It is pronounced ‘Tymanter.’”  

[Oudart]:  “I mean there’s a ‘th’ in there – why are you talking like that?”

[Sal]:  “This is how I talk, I am Salazar Amander.”

[Saithe]:  “Don’t, just, don’t ask questions Oudart.”

[Oudart]:  “Uh…you know what-”

[Saithe]: “Oudart, just don’t ask questions, please!”

[Oudart]:  “Yeah, okay.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t think this disguise is very good if everyone is immediately seeing directly through it.”

[Jordan]:  “Well everyone who has seen directly through it is the people who have been spending the last couple of months with you and recognized that you are with your team.”

[Drew]:  “That’s fair.”

[Jordan]:  “Also Oudart would for sure know if there was a new recruit.  He’s the one that lets them in.”

[Christina]:  “Before we get into any teleporting pads, Winterra looks at Oudart with kind of an incredulous look like-”

[Winterra]:  “Oudart.  What are you?”

[Oudart]:  “Kid?”

[[Caitie and Drew laugh]]

[Oudart]:  “What are you?”

[Winterra]:  “Well I think my family refers to ourselves as Shifters. That’s what I meant.”

[Oudart]:  “Oooooooooooh.  Human.”

[Winterra]:  “Huh.”

[Saithe]:  “You seem very…mature.  And not in a good way.”

[Oudart]:  “Oh, you mean because I say fuck?”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah that.  Also you called our boss a bitch at one point.”

[Oudart]:  “Am I wrong?”

[Saithe]:  “No I mean you’re definitely correct, but-”

[Oudart]:  “Damn straight!”

[Sal]:  “Hey!  Don’t call Raiann a bitch!  She is a very nice lady, you just have to get to know her.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah yeah, we get it, you’re in love with the boss lady.  Let’s move on.”

[Sal]:  “What?  Who said that?  That is not a thing!”

[Oudart]:  “Look Arlo I’ll call your girlfriend whatever the fuck I want I don’t care.”

[Sal]:  “I’m gonna figure out who your parents are and then when I do oh-ho, you are so in trouble young man.”

[Oudart]:  “Haha, joke’s on you, I’m an orphan!”

[Winterra]:  “Aww.”

[Saithe]:  “Same!”

[Sal]:  “That is sad.”

[Oudart]:  “Oh shut up.”

[Sal]:  “Do you need a hug little one?”

[Oudart]:  “I don’t know, do you want to be sent to an interdimensional hell prison? ‘Cause I can do that.”

[Saithe]:  “Don’t make me grab you with my tail again!”

[Oudart]:  “Me or him?”

[Saithe]:  “No, not you Oudart.  I said again!  When have you ever been grabbed by my tail?”

[Oudart]:  “I don’t know, maybe I dreamed it and thought you could stand up to me I don’t know.”

[Saithe]:  “Boy all of you are just getting on my nerves today.”

[Sal]:  “Oudart, why are you dreaming about getting wrapped up in Saithe’s tail?”

[Saithe]:  “Stop, please!”

[Jordan]:  “He turns bright red and says-”

[Oudart]:  “Step on the teleport pad please.”

[[Drew laughs, Caitie shouts, and Christina does both]]

[Caitie]:  “OH NO!!!”

[Christina]:  “Oh no!”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe gets a look of abject horror in her eyes!”

[Saithe]:  “Please don’t tell me you’ve ever dreamed of that.”

[Jordan]:  “Oudart is not making eye contact at all.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m gonna throw up.  I am going to throw up.”

[Oudart]:  “There is the teleport pad please get on it!!”

[Christina]:  “Winterra drags Arlo onto the teleporting pad as I assume he is dying of laughter as she’s horrified too.”

[Drew]:  “This is my new favorite episode!!!!”

[Jordan]:  “Got ‘em in the last few minutes!  I got ‘em!!”

[Drew]:  “Oh god!!!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you all step on/are dragged onto the teleport pad and Oudart, fast as you have ever seen him, snaps his fingers as you guys are enveloped in a bright light.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe unblinkingly stares at him as he disappears.”

[Jordan]:  “And that is where we will pause our tale for now!!”

[[Outro starts]]   

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys, thank you all so much for listening. Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper.  We’re adding those to the end of each episode as a little something for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, we have some plugs and promotions!  

For anyone in the South Charlotte area, check out ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose’ on Facebook.  They’re a local bakery that specializes in, you guessed it, cheesecakes!  They do custom orders and delivery so it’s a quick and easy way to satisfy your sweet tooth.  

We are also partnered with ‘Black Feather Graphics,’ they’ve helped us with the show before, designing our logo and official art used on our social media.  They’ve recently started to specialize in apparel so check them out at  

Finally, our own Drew McClain is the fitness genius behind Kinetic Concepts. When he’s not reciting the holy scriptures of Bahamut, Drew is a personal trainer who customizes your workout to your own needs. He’s helped me get in fighting shape and is also helping my brother to prepare for a marathon.  To get yourself in shape just find Kinetic Concepts on instagram.  

If you want to support the show, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Agents of DAMNED and Twitter @AgentsofD.   We also have a patreon at Agents of DAMNED where we post episodes a week before their standard release, alongside our aftershow Peek Behind the Screen where we talk about what happened in the episode and what we think will happen next.  

Finally, check out our website at where you can get access to full transcriptions of every episode and learn a little bit about the show’s creators.   Until next time, bye!!”

[[Ending theme ends followed by TV static]]

[[Caitie gulps a drink followed by a coughing fit]]

[Jordan]:  “You uh, you okay there?”

[Caitie]:  Coughing badly  “Yep!”

[Drew]:  “You sound like you’re dying.”

[Caitie]:  Still coughing 

[Jordan]:  “This is the last episode of the podcast everyone, Caitie is dead.”

[Caitie]:  Still coughing  “Sorry I-”

[Drew]:  “Man I miss Caitie.  Sometimes it feels like I can still hear her voice.”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “It’s as if she is still with us.”

[Caitie]:  Coughs  “I hate you guys.”

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