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Episode 17: B.E.A.C.H.D.A.Y.

Winterra meets with Bookworm in the archives at night. What could the silent firbolg want with our clueless bear? Also, are the Agents going to get a vacation or what?



[[Intro music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED!  I am your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman.  And as always I am joined by my fellow players-”

[Caitie]: “Hi guys, I’m Caitie and I play the delightful Saithe.”

[Christina]:  “Hey everyone!  I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “And I’m Drew McClain and by Bahamut’s harrowing haberdashery I play the good doctor Arlo Agon.” 

[Jordan]:  “So we are back at base right now, some things have happened, some things are going to happen, some fun midnight escapades if you will.”

[Drew]:  “Sex joke.”

[Jordan]:  “N…no.  Not even a little.”

[[Caitie and Drew chuckle]]

[Christina]:  “No.”

[Jordan]:  “How dare you defile the sanctity of one, your wife, and two, my precious baby Bookworm.  How dare you!”

[Caitie]:  “Are you surprised?”

[Jordan]:  “I’m not surprised, so much as I am just disappointed.”

[Christina]: Sighs  “Anyway.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah let’s just go ahead and get this recap outta the way so I can just go ahead and burn that memory forever. 

So, last time!  The Agents, Second Chance, Divine Shield, and Raiann had just finished arresting Sisava and Avasis after the fearsome battle that took place only moments ago.  While Arlo pitched the idea of hiring Nnelg on as a member of DAMNED, Saithe went to check on Granaphor.  She broke the news to the groggy beholder that Sisava had been using him, and never truly believed in his ambitions.  Then Niavara, and eventually Seebo, came to reassure Granaphor that if he truly cared about helping people and the town, then he’d have a home in Silverymoon.  As Raiann prepared to head back to base with Divine Shield, she overheard Saithe casually mention Arlo’s actions in the temple when he attempted to sacrifice himself to save the others.  After getting a confession from Arlo, Raiann simply walked off in stunned silence.  

Winterra then went to speak with her mother about her encounter with Autillow – her grandmother – in the feywild.  While initially difficult to accept, Holly soon asked Winterra to tell her everything that had happened and the two shared a long heartfelt conversation.  After returning to base, the teams met up with Raiann, who was actively avoiding eye contact with Arlo, to discuss any potential weaknesses that Ash might have.  After the meeting, Arlo was sent to the armory to have a workplace sensitivity seminar with Aelar, while Saithe was forced to stay behind and reveal the true nature of her warlock pact with Asmodeus.  While that was happening, Winterra went down to the archives to speak with Bookworm about her deal with the feywild, what new landscape she thought would be beneficial for research, and to give her a flower from her home forest.  After regaining her composure, Bookworm guided Winterra to an appropriate section.  While doing so, Pindleton finally spoke up from the ring.  He offered to assist Winterra in battle going forward from his experience in battle from his former life.  

After some time had passed, Saithe left HQ to collect a bounty and deliver it to her contact at the city of Nightwatch – a vampiric wood elf named Laucian (not Lotion).  There, she learned that the circus from her dreams were seen travelling along the southern edge of the continent and seemed to be heading towards the sword coast.   Back at base, Arlo finally confronted Raiann about his actions at the temple, and her unusual silence on the matter.  Raiann then told Arlo a tale from her past, where she charged into a battle against a group of cloud giants and how she lost her entire squadron in the fight.  Arlo then revealed to Raiann that he also understood the pain of loss as his own inaction had cost his father his life.  Raiann then decided to give Arlo the skills necessary to give him and his team the best chance of survival on the battlefield.  

Later the same night, Winterra found a note on her bed telling her to go to the archives – alone.  Following the letter’s instructions, Winterra went to the archives to find Bookworm waiting for her.  A sudden breeze blew past Winterra, and with it, a meek voice saying in druidic – hi.  And so we resume our tale!”


[Jordan]:  “Winterra you are still in the archives with Bookworm and you have just heard, for lack of better terms, the voice on the wind speaking for Bookworm.  How do you respond?”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so…basically what’s going to happen I think here, is that Winterra sees Bookworm and her ears perk up she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Hey Bookworm!”

[Christina]:  “And in druidic, that is habitually what she responded in, and then she pauses, and she goes-”

[Winterra]:  “Wait!!  Bookworm!  Your voice, on the breeze, in druidic! It’s so cute!”

[Jordan]:  “She starts to blush wildly and says-”

[Bookworm]:  “Um, th-thanks.”

[Jordan]:  “Again, this is being heard as wind is constantly, like a constant breeze is blowing by you and everytime it does is when you hear her speak.  And her mouth does not move to be clear.”

[Bookworm]:  “I, just… I – I felt like I could trust you with this and I wanted to let you know I could…well that I could communicate with you like this.  I- I know that Mr. Arlo and Ms. Saithe can understand my sign language but I know you were struggling with it a little bit.”

[Jordan]:  “At this point you kind of see her tuck her hair behind her ear and you also see one of the flowers that you gave her is currently being used as a hair ornament.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my god my heart.”

[Drew]:  “Cuuute.”

[Caitie]:  “She is way too cute I can’t.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah it’s super cute, I can’t.  Okay, so-”

[Jordan]:  “Welcome to my weekend.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “So, Winterra continues and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah…I’ve never, y’know seen, I think they called it sign language before.  This is definitely more natural for me.  I didn’t know you spoke druidic.”

[Jordan]:  “And she kind of cocks her eyebrows a little bit and you hear-”

[Bookworm]:  “Don’t you remember the first time that we met and I created a flower?”

[Winterra]:  “Oh yeah, that did happen.”

[Bookworm]:  “I was doing the same thing then that I am now, well, sort of I guess.  I used Druidcraft to in that case make the flower and in this case to control the wind.  I’m actually able to speak druidic through that means, because of that only other druids can hear me so you’re really the only person I’d be able to speak to using this.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm, that’s a unique ability that’s really cool.”

[Jordan]:  “She starts blushing again.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra kind of cocks her head to the side and her ears go flat, she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Are you okay?  Your face does that a lot.”

[Bookworm]:  “Oh, n-no, it’s fine…”

[Jordan]:  “And she kind of – you guys ever seen 7 Deadly Sins?”

[Drew]:  “Nope.” * 

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Christina]:  “Nope.”   *           

*Drew and Christina have since watched at least the first season and understand this reference now.  

[Jordan]:  “Okay cool.  Well, Caitie you’ll enjoy this.  She does what Diane does where she will take her hair and sort of pull it over her face and like hide behind her hair.”

[[Caitie squees]]

[Christina]:  “I get a good enough mental image from that.  And Winterra goes and moves a quick step forward towards her to make sure she’s okay.”

[Winterra]:  “Are, are you sure you’re okay?  You’re not running a fever or anything?”

[Bookworm]:  “Nope, nope I’m- I promise, I’m fine, I’m fine.  It’s just, I…  I’m not great with people.”

[Winterra]:  “Me too.  We have that in common.”

[Bookworm]:  “That’s why I wanted to let you know I could do this…if it’s okay, can you not tell anyone else about this?”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah.”

[Bookworm]:  “I- I haven’t even told Mr. Orillo or Mr. Yarvem about it.  Ms. Raiann doesn’t know either.”

[Winterra]:  “Wow, I…yeah I-I’ll keep your secret.”

[Bookworm]:  “Thanks.  You really are a good friend Winterra.  I appreciate it.”

[Christina]:  “And Winterra, her ears again go flat and this time she’s the one that has a little bit of a blush on her face, and she touches her face and is like-”

[Winterra]:  Whispering, to herself  “What?  What is wrong with my face?”

[Christina]:  “And she turns around around like, what- so, she turns around really quick and she breathes really deeply and then she turns back around and says-”

[Winterra]:  “So the meeting alone was to explain…this, right?”

[Bookworm]:  “Yes.”

[Winterra]:  “Okay!  I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything wrong.”

[Bookworm]:  “Oh!  No, no, no, um…”

[Jordan]:  “Roll me an insight check real quick.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.  14.”

[Jordan]:  “You notice that despite how awkward she always is around literally any other living person, she’s acting, once you bring that up, the idea of something being wrong, she’s acting slightly more awkward than usual.  And you even notice, you haven’t even really thought about it or noticed it until now, her hand very quickly moves to grip on a scarf she has been wearing.  It’s just seemed like some nothing aspect of what she wears but as you kind of think about it she has always kind of worn that scarf.  And you just never thought about it until now when you see her gripping at it with purpose.”

[Christina]:  “Oh.”

[Drew]:  “Is this going to be like that one story where she like never takes the scarf off and then one day she does and her head falls off?”

[Jordan]:  “Damn, now I’ve gotta rewrite my whole thing.”

[Caitie]:  “That is not where I thought you were going with that!”

[Christina]:  Under her breath “Oh my god…”  Normally “So, Winterra goes to move back closer to her and again is almost cocking her head to the side, and she looks at her and says,”

[Winterra]:  “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll persuasion.  Because you gave her the flower, I’ll say with advantage.”

[Christina]:  “19.”

[Jordan]:  “Ooh hot damn.”

[Christina]:  “Both of those were good rolls, one was a 17, one was a 19.”

[Jordan]:  “Shit, alright! So she kind of looks off to the side nervously – she’s not blushing this time so you know it’s nothing, you Christina know it’s nothing along that line.  But she says-”

[Bookworm]:  “I…I’m sorry.  I really do think you’re a nice person, and I do trust you but that’s…it’s still difficult to talk about that.  I’m, it’s just been…it’s been so long since I’ve been able to hear my own voice again.”

[Christina]:  “Aww.”

[Caitie]:  “Little nugget!”

[Drew]:  “Aww, that’s way sadder than my thing.”

[Jordan]:  “If you like you can roll another insight check on that one.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, sure.  That was a 14.”

[Jordan]:  “One particular thing that she had just said caught your attention as strange.  And you kind of draw a weird connection with what you’re hearing.  The fact that she said –  again.  Meaning, she could once speak.”

[Caitie]:  Distraught  “Ooooooh!”

[Jordan]:  “And the voice you’ve been hearing from her, sounds like that of a young child.  And the Bookworm standing before you is definitely not a child.  A young adult maybe, maybe even a little bit older but definitely not a child.”

[Christina]:  “Mmmmmmmmmm.”

[Jordan]:  “So the voice does not match.”

[Drew]:  “Lie down.  Try not to cry.  Cry a lot.”

[Christina]:  “So… So Winterra goes through a couple of different stages of emotion right now.  She starts off with this look of understanding.  And as the gears in her head are turning, and she kind of puts together the voice and the word ‘again’ and the scarf, she kind of gets this look of, I guess anger is the best word.  Because she feels like this person who she is starting to consider a friend has been hurt and obviously that voice doesn’t match up she feels intent towards some kind of assistance and she doesn’t know how so the feeling manifests itself for her as anger.  And so she says out loud-”

[Winterra]:  “I understand.  I know how painful things can be, especially when…when they happen so long ago.”

[Christina]:  “And she just kind of closes her fists, and takes a step away from her for a second as she’s dealing with this feeling of anger that she doesn’t know how to put elsewhere because it’s not for even herself even though in some way it also probably is.”

[Jordan]:  “One moment please.”  Flips a coin

[Caitie]:  “Who hurt you my precious nugget!!”

[Jordan]:  Laughs  “I was thinking the same thing!  So as you are turned away from her, you feel a hand on your shoulder and when you turn back it’s her.  And she says-”

[Bookworm]:  “I… There’s some things I can’t tell you yet, because I- I’m not ready to talk about it.  But there are some other things I could show you if you like?”

[Caitie]:  “I will protect you with my life!!”

[Christina]:  Laughs awkwardly  “Winterra just nods.”

[Bookworm]:  “She takes her hand off of your shoulder and extends it to you in a ‘take my hand’ type gesture.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  Winterra takes her hand.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright.  As you do, your vision goes white.  And soon you find yourself in this sort of almost dreamscape.  And Bookworm manifests next to you.  And you hear her say, like actually speaking this time, and not through the wind-”

[Bookworm]:  “I actually- the day that I lost my voice was the same day that I…that I lost my clan.”

[Jordan]:  “And you see her lower her scarf, and there is what looks like the outline of a hand pressed up against her throat.  And then you see the white dreamscape around you begin to take shape, and you find yourself in a forest.  Definitely not the same forest that you grew up in, it is distinctly different but to anyone else it would look like any other forest.  With the minor, or major, exception of the rot and decay that is there.  None of the trees have any form of life, what hasn’t burned, it almost looks like it had the life drained from it.  And in the middle of all of this death and destruction, you see Bookworm.  But, not as you know her.  As a child, sitting completely silent.  Motionless.  Almost as if she can’t even accept everything that has happened.  And then, the Bookworm that is beside you, the modern day one says-”

[Bookworm]:  “After I had lost everything.  I was…sad.  But eventually… I was given a second chance sort of, or, I guess you could say one found me.”

[Jordan]:  “And then you see, making their way through the decayed bush and bramble, is a young Orillo and Yarvem.  The chef, and shipmaster that brought you all here.   And Orillo is the first one to take note of Bookworm, and he goes over and falls down to a knee and says-”

[Orillo]:  “What is wrong child?  What brings you out here to this ill forgotten place?”

[Jordan]:  “And she just looks up, tears welling in her eyes, and Orillo immediately understands everything that’s going on.  And he turns over to Yarvem who, he looks a bit more, or not more but less accepting of the whole situation.  And just says-”

[Yarvem]:  “Please for the love of god please tell me you’re not planning on bringing this one with us?  We’ve got enough to deal with as is, we don’t have enough time for a child.”

[Orillo]:  “I will not abandon her.”

[Jordan]:  “And the white takes over again and Bookworm begins to speak once more.”

[Bookworm]:  “After Mr. Orillo and Mr. Yarvem found me, they took me with them.  It was thanks to them that I was able to be happy again after all of that.”

[Jordan]:  “And it’s only for a brief instance, but you do see what is almost like a still shot of Bookworm eating out of a bowl, some sort of soup with Yarvem looking onward and Orillo next to him in an apron.  And they’re both just happy seeing Bookworm gleefully eating this food. And then she says-”

[Bookworm]:  “After some time, we eventually ran into Ms. Raiann, and Mr. Oudart.”

[Jordan]:  “And then you see sort of like a flash forward.  And Raiann, looking considerably younger, about 20 years or so with Oudart.  They are meeting up with Orillo, Yarvem, and Bookworm.  At this point, Bookworm and Oudart appear to be roughly the same age.  And Bookworm continues to speak again and says-”

[Bookworm]:  “After that, we ended up forming DAMNED.  It was Ms. Raiann’s idea but Mr. Orillo and Mr. Yarvem were more than happy to agree. As long as I was allowed to stay.  After that, we ended up meeting everyone else.  Mr. Harven and his friends.”

[Jordan]:  “And then you see Divine Shield enter the frame.”

[Bookworm]:  “And they found Mr. Rick and his other little friend.”

[Jordan]:  “And you see him returning with a gelatinous Rick Slavenly and Little Rick.”

[Bookworm]:  “After that, Mr. Fridahn and his friends joined.”

[Jordan]:  “The Friday Night Fun Pals then join in.”

[Bookworm]:  “Mrs. Nissa and Mr. Morgran, followed by Mr. Aelar.”

[Jordan]:  “As she says that, Nissa and Morgran show up, followed shortly by Aelar.”

[Bookworm]:  “And then Ms. Rhelynn was the most recent one to show up, before you guys.”

[Jordan]:  “And then Second Chance enters the fray, followed shortly by you guys. Then the vision ends and you’re brought back in the archives with Bookworm.  She brings her hand back to her own side and she’s just smiling at you.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my heart.”

[Caitie]:  “I hate you.”

[Jordan]: “Take a minute.”

[[Christina breathes deeply]]

[Caitie]:  “I love it but I hate you.”

[Jordan]:  Laughing  “You’re welcome.”

[Christina]:  “Okay…okay Winterra just says-”

[Winterra]:  “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

[Bookworm]:  “Oh course!  You’re my friend after all.”

[Christina]:  “My heart!  God Jordan why?”

[Jordan]:  “Because I feel like you guys earned it.  Now, as the scene ends, Winterra I want you to roll me one more insight check.”

[Christina]:  “15.”

[Jordan]:  “As you think back on the dream you just witnessed, going through Bookworm’s past, seeing the formation of DAMNED itself; there’s one detail that doesn’t quite add up.  And it’s Oudart.  Because when he was there at the formation of DAMNED, 20 years ago, he looked exactly the same as he still does today.”


[Jordan]:  “So it’s now the morning of the next day.  Saithe is in the dining hall getting a bite to eat, when all of a sudden Arlo and Winterra, you two approach and slam down the employee manual that you were handed at the very beginning.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright y’all, it’s time for us to get some book learning.  Who’s ready to read?”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  Yeah, sure!  Fair enough.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean not the level of excitement I thought it would be but alright.”

[Saithe]:  “I mean, you’re not wrong.  We really should read this thing.  We have gone on two missions without having done so.”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t say that so loud.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll perception.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “That’s a 14.”

[Jordan]:  “You see Second Chance is sitting at a far off table and Rhelynn just kind of looks over at you shocked.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo looks her dead in the eye and is like-”

[Arlo]:  “You ain’t hear shit.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “She turns back over to Forngal and 7 without a word.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so Winterra just kind of looks at the group and she’s like,”

[Winterra]:  “You know, there’s a lot of things that I’ve been learning since I joined up with DAMNED, ‘cause you know, I grew up in a forest all my life, and I have to admit, Arlo, that hat is weird.  Saithe, I know it’s a medical condition but your smile’s really really strange sometimes and I just…   I have to know more, like I’ve never seen anything like that before. Ever.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo grabs his hat and is like,”

[Arlo]:  “Hey!  This- first of all, this hat is fucking badass, you said weird, you meant badass.  Second of all, I dunno you’re pretty weird yourself, you, you eat knees.  And there was some kind of a ghost baby thing that happened during that last fight, what was up with that?”

[Winterra]:  “Hey, first of all knees are delicious!  Mind your, mind your food manners, get some culture!  Second of all-”

[Saithe]:  “Easy you two!  Goodness gracious, I don’t think there’s any reason to be at each other’s throats.  To answer your question,”

[Caitie]:  “She says eyeing the main table where Raiann would normally sit.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann does not eat in there, she eats in her office.”

[Caitie]:  “Trying to be like, she hasn’t told them yet and its been weeks since Raiann was like you need to tell them.  You know what I’m saying?”

[Jordan]:  “Nope, well aware.”

[Caitie]:  “She just looks super uncomfortable, like she doesn’t want to have this conversation here out in the open.”

[Saithe]:  “So I know you both know that uh- I’m pretty good when it comes to um, murder!  And um, I need you both to know that I’ve never done it illegally.  What I mean to say is I’ve never done it without getting paid for it.  It’s always been legal assassination.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright.”

[Saithe]:  “Boy, this is a lot harder of a conversation than I was expecting it to be!  (Especially in this tone of voice).”

[[Jordan, Drew, and Christina laugh]]

[Saithe]:  “There really are some days where I wish that I wasn’t like this!  Because always being happy, it’s more painful than feeling all the emotions.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra cocks her head to the side, just kind of remembering the conversation that she’s just had with Bookworm and she says-”

[Winterra]:  “Have you always been like that?”

[Saithe]:  “No.  I was about 15 when this happened.  I uh- I lost my family at a very young age, I’ll get more into that later.  But um, when I was a teenager, I met a Drow.  Varis.  He took very good care of me.  He was like a brother.  Almost a father, and I loved him very dearly. And um…I wasn’t a very happy child.  I’m sure that’s probably hard to imagine.   And…he did everything in his power to do things that made me smile.  He’e actually the one that gave me my surname.”

[Arlo]:  “Saithe we- I’m just realizing we’ve never heard your surname I don’t think.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  It’s Everjoy!”

[Arlo];  “Okay that’s adorable, continue.”

[Jordan]:  “Less so when you know the reason.”

[Saithe]:  “One day, he came home from bounty hunting, and… he told me he found something.  Something he thought was going to make me feel happy for once.  And, I trusted him. Endlessly.  And…it was a…it was a circus.  I’ve never been to one before.  It was a trap.  And Varis died.  Right in front of me.  And the ring leader, I believe he was a very powerful necromancer or sorcerer of some sort, I’ve never been able to know fully, because I can’t remember much after this. But I remember being in a lot of pain.  And I remember waking up, and the circus was gone, and my smile never went away after that.  I am in CONSTANT pain.  I need you both to imagine when you have a laughing fit, and you can’t stop.  I mean it’s like doing smokeweed, you know?  And you’re laughing, and you’re laughing, and you’re laughing and then you realize holy shit my face hurts!  That’s my life.  And I want you both to know specifically that even though I threatened to murder you both on our first day, that I will truly do anything to keep you both safe.  And I think it’s probably about time that I not only tell you about the fact that I am y’know, less happy than I appear to be, but uh…”

[Caitie]:  “She pulls the cat out from under her cloak and puts him on the table.”

[Saithe]:  “I haven’t told you about that yet.  I’m not gonna go fully into details…yet.  But what I do want you both to know is that I have a pact with Asmodeus.  I don’t want either of you to feel as though you can’t trust me.  As previously stated I will do anything in my power to keep you both safe.  We are a team. I have some debts owed to me.  Modi is my payment.  I don’t think he’ll be around forever.  Because I don’t plan on keeping this pact forever.  But there you have it. He’s a little demon bastard.  Like all cats.”

[Jordan]:  “After you said that you guys heard a glass break from Second Chance’s table and Rhelynn immediately got up and left.”

[Arlo]:  “Rhelynn mind your own damn business!”

[Rhelynn]:  “I’m trying!”

[[All laugh]]

[Saithe]:  “Just remember, I never killed you!”

[Rhelynn]:  “Right!”

[Drew]:  “Man, it’s almost like this scene should have taken place in like our bunk or something.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s why she was so uncomfortable about it.”

[Jordan]:  “There’s not going to be any lasting consequences for that, don’t worry.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “Actually, did any of you guys ever used to watch ‘Drake and Josh?’ “ 

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah, all the time.”

[Drew]:  “You remember that episode where they were like, you wanna do a hug?  Nah. Quick one?  And they do that really quick slap hug sort of thing?”

[[Jordan and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Like that, like Arlo hugs Saithe that way, mainly because he does want to hug her and comfort her, but also because he is 60% sure he’d still get stabbed if he hugged her too long.  So like very quick hug, like boom, hug.”

[Caitie]:  “She pats his hand.”

[Arlo]:  “We’re always here for you buddy. And hey, just because we’ve got our jobs here to do doesn’t mean during our personal time or during our travels that we won’t find that ringleader, that shit circus.  And then, then we’ll kick his ass so hard that we’ll finally break that smile off your face.”

[Saithe]:  “Hell yes.  I am down for all of that.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra nods in agreeance as this look of anger is starting to clear from her eyes with resolution that this is happening.  She’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Absolutely.”

[Saithe]:  “Enough of this sadness bullshit.  Let’s go have a few beers, and get fucked!”

[Jordan]:  “I started this scene saying you were having breakfast!”

[Arlo]:  “We’re not working today!”

[Jordan]:  Laughing “You fucking lush oh my god.”

[Drew]:  “Day drinking, day drinking, day drinking!”

[Christina]:  “Oh my goodness.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, aside from feeling like you have been brought closer together you guys do eventually have your super lit study session, anytime you guys choose to consort the book in the field you get a collective +3 to any history checks to do so.”

[Caitie]:  “Yas queen!”


[Jordan]:  “So some time passes after that exchange and your study session, and it is now at last one of the most sought after days in DAMNED’s calendar.  It is a tradition that started a couple of years ago after people started to realize that constantly working without any time off is just a monstrous thing and a terrible idea, because people will go crazy.  Especially in this particular line of work.  So it was officially mandated that twice a year you would have, as members of DAMNED, a special day.  That day has been designated as the Biannual Engagement of Active Comradery Hillacious Distractions And Yogurt.  Or as it is more gleefully looked upon, BEACH DAY!!!”      

[Drew]:  “I hate you.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m down.”

[Christina]:  “I love it.”

[Drew]:  “I hate you so much – why yogurt??”

[Jordan]:  “Because I couldn’t think of a ‘Y’ word that made sense!”

[Drew]:  “Where is the yogurt going to come- I am so concerned about the yogurt.”

[Rick Slavenly]:  “I’ll bring the yogurt!!”

[Drew]:  “NO.  Never!!”

[[Jordan laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Rick you stay home!”

[Rick]:  “I’m part of this too, get over it!”

[Caitie]:  “He’s like, he’s like, I have a black pudding instead of yogurt!  And everyone’s like, oh god.”

[Jordan]:  “No no, Rick, that’s a different thing!  That’s a different thing!  So, as this implies you all are standing at the entrance of the castle that represents your headquarters. All in your favorite beach attire, if you guys want to describe to me what you think y’all would wear to the beach you are free to do so, otherwise we will keep it going.”

[Caitie]:  Excitedly  “Um, okay, so you know how Saithe wears that gray armor that’s got the golden rings? So she wears a gray light studded armor bikini with little golden rings.”

[Jordan]:  “How consistent.”

[Caitie]:  “And I think she’d wear like one of those beach skirts, it’s not like a skirt but it’s like-”

[Jordan]:  “I know what you mean.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah!”

[Christina]:  “The coverup skirts, yeah.”

[Caitie]:  “That, that’s it.”

[Drew]:  “I would say Arlo’s wearing like some standard swim trunks, but also one of those tank tops that says ‘Sun’s out, Guns out’”

[Jordan]:  “Christ.”

[Caitie]:  “Sounds about right.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra is definitely in more of a tankini style bathing suit thats got like very forestry vibes to it- like you know those bathing suits that seem a little thick for bathing suits and they usually have some kind of texturing on them?  So that’s the texturing but it looks like leaves.  And then she’s just in full on boy shorts.”

[Caitie]:  “Sounds about right.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, just to do a quick run through on some of the other members I have everyone’s thing if there’s anyone you’re particularly interested in, otherwise I’ll just pick a few highlights.”

[Caitie]:  “Raiann”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you, that was an obvious one.”

[Drew]:  Singsong  “Raiann~”        

[Jordan]:  “I know I’ve gotta pick Andrew’s target.”

[Drew]:  “Ha ha haha ha ha hahaha.”

[Jordan]:  “And despite what you probably want to hear, what she is actually wearing is a fairly modest swimsuit with black shorts and a white tank top on top of it.  So you can kind of see it from the sides but you can also tell it’s more akin to a sports bra than a standard bikini top. Aelar, who is uncomfortably close to you Arlo, observing those guns, has on a button up shirt and regal blue and emerald green shorts.  Morgran and Nissa have on- so you know when you think old timey one piece swimsuits?  The red and white striped ones that go from your knees all the way up?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Drew]:  “Yep.”

[Jordan]:  “They’re wearing matching sets of those.”

[Caitie and Drew]:  “Awwww.”

[Jordan]:  “You guys also unfortunately see both Ricks wearing uncomfortably tight red speedos.”

[Drew]:  “No!”

[Christina]:  “Of course.”

[Caitie]:  “Uugh.”

[Drew]:  “He could manifest any clothing he wants.”

[Rick]:  “And this is what I wanted.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t, I don’t like this.”  Laughs 

[Jordan]:  “Oh no wait, it gets better.  And then you also see Forngal and Vyth – the lizardfolk from team Divine Shield are going commando.”

[Drew]:  “They’re just naked?”

[Christina]:  “Excuse me?”

[Jordan]:  “They are fully nude.”

[Caitie]:  “…yikes.”

[Jordan]:  “They take ‘Sun’s out, Guns out’ literally.”

[Caitie]:  “Yiiikes.”

[Christina]:  “So nudity, nude beaches are confirmed in D&D world, got it.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo walks over with ponchos and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “Nope, nope. None of that.”

[Caitie]:  “And then Big Betty’s travelling tavern has a yogurt stand and she has this little bikini that’s several sizes too small.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm, no.”

[Drew]:  “I- I don’t like you.”

[Jordan]:  “Back off, this is my scene to set, and I will not allow it.”

[Caitie]:  Laughing “Come on!”

[Jordan]:  “You do also see all of the Fun Pals are wearing the same thing which is a more modest speedo but printed on the back side of all of them are FNFP.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s adorable.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of looks at that and he almost seethes a little bit and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “That would have been a perfect god damned name!  They’re having so much fun!”

[Drew]:  “He’s looking at them like the envious person outside of a party, like they’re playing beach volleyball and shit, and they’re having a great time, just having so much fucking fun.”

[Jordan]:  “One other person you see come up to you, is Nnelg!”

[Drew]:  “Yeah!!”

[Caitie]:  “Yay!”

[Jordan]:  “He is sporting a sun hat and a long cover up long sleeved coat.  It’s not like heavy, but it’s meant to cover up his very sensitive skin.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, he’s albino.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, the sun doesn’t like him.”

[Drew]:  “Speaking of which, how’s 7 doing?”

[Jordan]:  “He has black shorts, a black button up shirt with the first three buttons undone, and an umbrella.”

[Drew]:  “Wow, fuck that guy.”

[Jordan]:  “He is so tryhard, it hurts.”

[Christina]:  “Great.”

[Jordan]:  “Right next to a naked Forngal.”

[Drew]:  “Actually I want to roll to see if I can convince Forngal and Vyth to wear the ponchos.”

[Jordan]:  “No.”

[Drew]:  “Please.”

[Jordan]:  “No.”

[Drew]:  “I hate you.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m drawing a line in the sand goddammit.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “So as you’re all gathered, Oudart actually, like basically yells at the sky-”

[Oudart]:  “Alright Yarvem!  We’re ready!!”

[Jordan]:  “And a big light encompasses all of you in a brilliant crimson glow and you are all teleported back outside of the gem and on Narref’s back on the edge of a private beach.”

[Christina]:  “Hella.”

[Caitie]:  “Ack, beautiful.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys all hop off and just do your thing, just get to have a day, just do whatever the fuck you want.  I imagine you do a lot of that day drinking you were implying, ya filthy lush.”

[Caitie]:  “Yup.”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann is kind of tending to a grill, making sure everyone is fed, some people are in the water, some people are playing on the beach, 7 is notably keeping under his umbrella as much as he can.  You guys cannot keep track of the Fun Pals to save your life.”

[[Christina and Drew laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “God only knows where they are.”

[Caitie]: “Oh my god-”

[Jordan]:  “But you also notice that Orillo and Yarvem are actually spending time with Bookworm.  And as you guys are doing this,Harven from team Divine Shield comes up and says-”

[Harven]:  “Hey so, I never really got a chance to thank you all for your hard work over in Silverymoon. That was some excellent combat you displayed there.  Truly exceptional.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m glad we were able to provide comradery to you friend.”

[Harven]:  “Oh absolutely, it was – the fact that we were overtaken, it is a blight on our record that  we shall work hard to overcome but knowing that we have trusted allies like yourself and Second Chance is – it does a heart good, ya know?”

[Saithe]:  “Indeed!”

[Arlo]:  “And after all, what’s a little mind control and attempted murder amongst friends.”

[Harven]:  “Haha, oh I’m not sure I can agree with that, but-”

[[Christina and Drew laugh]]

[Harven]:  “-I was by chance wondering if you might be interested in a little friendly competition.  A means of easing the pains of the past if you will, to kind of move past that and start building more of a real friendship as opposed to a saving our lives based one?”

[Christina]:  “So Winterra’s eyes immediately glaze over like in an anime when someone mentions starting a battle or a competition, she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “Like a game?”

[Harven]:  “Precisely!  I’m not sure how familiar with this you would be as a forest dweller but I’m sure your more city prone companions can tell you about this, I assume you’re all familiar with – voidball?”

[Jordan]:  “Saithe and Arlo, roll me a history check to see if you know what voidball is.  Arlo, you can have advantage.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t need it, that was a 19 on the die.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah shit no, you don’t need it.  So Arlo, you are actually familiar with voidball, this is what you were kind of hoping you’d be able to strike up a conversation with that one random passerby in Silverymoon.  Because this is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most common sport in all of Faerun.  It only picked up a little while ago, as far as like trends catching on, but this one LIT UP.  It is essentially zero gravity football.”

[Drew]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “And Harven would like to play against you guys.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m about to tear some shit up!”

[Arlo]:  “I’m perfectly willing to have a friendly match I guess we’ll call it.  Although I do have my own plans to take care of today once we finish.”

[Harven]:  “Oh of course, of course.  This is just a brief little thing, let’s say first to 3?”

[Arlo]:  “Sure.”

[Harven]:  “Alright then!”

[Jordan]:  “And he looks over at Oudart.”

[Harven]:  “Oudart!  Can you set us up for VOID BALL?”

46:06 –Here is a good place to break if you need to split this episode in two listens–  🙂  

[Jordan]:  “And everyone immediately looks over like they know shit’s about to go fucking off.  They clear off a space and Oudart has both of you guys go to your own corn- so it’s going to be team vs team, so the Agents vs Divine Shield.”

[Christina]:  “Hella.”

[Jordan]:  “And Oudart activates a spell that instantly puts this area that is a 60×30 size space that immediately has no gravity in it.  You guys all have a flying speed equal to half of your current walking speed.”

[Caitie]:  “Thanks I love it.” 

[Drew]:  “Noice.”

[Jordan]:  “And then you also see a bunch of large stone like debris rise up from the ground and several portals appear around you.  Here’s how void ball works. So, we’re basically going to flip a coin, you call it, heads or tails to decide who goes first.  Whoever starts off with the ball, you have a few actions you can take.  You can either make an attack, a movement, or a throw.  When you attack, you can either use an unarmed strike, or a grapple, you cannot use weapons.  So you guys do not have your armor, you do not have your shields, and you do not have any of your weapons.  So your AC’s for posterity’s sake are all 13, I calculated it out ahead of time, you’re welcome.”

[Caitie]:  “Thank you!”

[Christina]:  “Thanks!”

[Drew]:  “Cool cool.”

[Jordan]:  “When you deal an unarmed strike, you will will calculate the damage, and then that will determine the DC for a fumble check.  If they fail, the ball fumbles and everyone within 5 feet of that space makes an acrobatics check to see who gets it.  If you grapple, you can attempt to wrestle the ball or throw a bitch.  Movement you can either go half of your current speed or your flying speed, or you can attempt to propel yourself off of the scattered debris.  It’s a DC15 strength/athletics check to go your full movement, or a DC20 to accomplish a dash.  However, when propelling you can only go in a straight line.  Or, you can wind up in- try and dive into a portal and wind up somewhere else on the map.  I say map, there is no map.

Or, you can attempt to throw.  So you can either pass as a ranged attack, if you hit the other player makes either an athletics or acrobatics check, the DC is equal to the number of feet the ball was thrown.  On a success you can use a reaction to either make another pass, or attempt to score.  On a fail, it’s fumbled.  In order to score, same basic concept.  Ranged attack and the DC is the distance thrown.”

[Drew]:  “So I’m going to sound a little bit pretentious but I’m just now realizing that when you said football you meant American football and not football as in the context that everyone else means it on earth.”

[Jordan]:  “You know what, that’s actually kind of fair, honestly I should have thought about that.”

[Drew]:  “You said it was the most common game so I was like, oh, so it’s going to be zero g soccer.  That’s cool, it’s going to be like shaolin soccer, that sounds neat. But this will also be neat.”

[Jordan]:  “Nope. I meant one where you grab it because I did not want to think about the physics involved in that.”

[Drew]:  “Fair.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, also you guys can cast spells, but nothing that deals damage.”

[Caitie and Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo, call high/low.  And then I need everyone to roll initiative.”

[Drew]:  “Tails.” 

[Caitie]:  “18.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my god Saithe, same.  Oh wait actually I didn’t add my initiative bonus hold on, so it’s actually a 21.”

[Drew]:  “Ah damn, that’s an 8.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so it was heads so Harven is going to have the ball first. The way you guys are, Arlo and Harven are basically center field,  and then Saithe and Winterra are on opposite sides along with Hope and Vyth who are also basically opposite of you guys. For simplicity’s sake I’ll say that Winterra is opposite of Hope and Saithe is opposite of Vyth.”

[Caitie and Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Harven has the ball, Winterra, you’re up first.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  Well, first of all I’m going to shift.  So Winterra is just filled with excited, I haven’t played a game with someone in so fucking long, energy. And so she just kind of roars with excitement and turns into her shifted form. And she just locks eyes on him, and she’s just like, she’s going to narrow in and try to go for this ball.  She’s just brute forcing it right now.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, does that mean a grapple or an attack?”

[Christina]:  “How do I try to get the ball from him, attacking you said?”

[Jordan]:  “Attacking means fumble so you’d have to roll either an athletics or an acrobatics check to attempt to get it from him.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so I think I am still going to head towards him in movement?”

[Jordan]:  “You can make it to him.  You guys are all close enough to him at this point that you can easily make it to him.”

[Christina]:  “Okay. many of these motherfuckers can I fill the field with?”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no.  I’m going to toss it out there you guys are still the same level, you haven’t leveled up yet.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, that’s fine.  Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen because I like these guys and I think they’re cool and I want to bring them back and do more of this terrible sound.  So as I am charging towards him and moving I am going to move my hands out to the side of me and summon my eagle buddies to head along with me.  So they go – cacaw!”

[Jordan]:  Chuckling “I’d like to remind you that you’re flying but I still like to imagine that Winterra is doing the motion for running.”

[Christina]:  “Like on all fours, in the sky.” Laughs

[Drew]:  “Just running in the sky, the sky bear.  Ah the great sky bear as it was foretold.”

[Christina]:  “I mean, my giant eagles are just able I think to full on fly unless gravity rules are different in the sky for actual flying.”

[Jordan]:  “Nope!  They have their full speed!”

[Christina]:  “Cool.”

[Drew]:  “Da da da da dadada!”

[Jordan]:  “I may be experiencing a similar issue to a certain other podcast that does this “let’s try to do a sports thing” recently.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “I remember exactly what you’re talking about.”

[Jordan]:  “Sports are hard with druids as it turns out, god dammit!”  

[Christina]:  “So I would like to say there’s two of them and they each have 80 flying.”

[Jordan]:  “Wow that, that’s more than the field, yeah no I made a mistake.”

[[Drew laughs maniacally and Christina laughs somewhat sympathetically]]

[Christina]:  “And they have multiattacks.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool, coolcoolcool.”

[[Drew laughs harder]]

[Jordan]:  “Alright, go ahead.”

[Christina]:  “So that was my turn, or are they still going after me?”

[Jordan]:  Regretfully  “Yes, nope go ahead.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, I’d like-”

[Jordan]:  “Caitie you can get ready to tell us what you were going to do.”

[[Christina and Drew laugh]]

[Christina]:  “I would like one of them to go ahead and try and get that ball please.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, they get to go ahead and roll an attack against him. And everyone’s unarmored, yay!”

[[Caitie makes a ca-caw sound]]

[Jordan]:  “Did I mention Divine Shield has overall shit Dex?”

[Drew]: Sarcastically “What?  The shield guys don’t have Dex?  You’re kidding me.”

[Jordan]:  “I know, weird.  You’d think I would have thought about literally any of this.”

[Christina]:  “Let’s see…so how do multi attacks work on this, do they?”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll say that he’ll roll individual strength checks for each thing. So go ahead and roll your first attack.” 

[Christina]:  “Okay,  the first one was a 9.”

[Jordan]:  “That does not hit.”

[Christina]:  “Yep, didn’t think so.”

[Jordan]:  “He’s not that non dexterous.”

[Christina]:  “Haha…the next one was a 14.”

[Jordan]:  “That would hit but he is going to cast shield.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah they’ve got spells too muthafuckas.”

[Christina]:  “I am assuming that because of the way you do monsters that my eagles both count as one entity?  Or do they count as two entities?”

[Jordan]:  Regretfully  “No, you have two eagles.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “If they have multi attack you get to now use the other eagle.”

[Drew]:  “Eagle!!”

[Jordan]:  “I am kind of realizing the futility of what I am trying to create so just go ahead and destroy it.”

[Christina]:  Chuckling  “Okay-”

[Jordan]:  “I will futile-y attempt to stop you.”  

[Christina]:  “Shield lasts for the round, doesn’t it?”

[Jordan]:  “It does, but again his AC wasn’t great-”

[Christina]:  “Oh yeah, that’s just a plus 5, I’m still stuck on my old character.  Oh!  That was a 19 on the die. So that’s a 24.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, um. Yeah – roll damage real quick.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, and that was a 6 so 9.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay cool so that’s a DC 19 strength saving throw.  Fuck me.  Hm…hm. Hm!!!  Yeah I don’t think a 9’s going to bump it up enough.”

[Caitie]:  “Nope!”

[Drew]:  “Oh, oh dear, oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “So the ball falls out of his hands – did, did you fly up towards him?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, I was heading towards him too.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, here’s what now happens. You, your two eagles, and him are all going to do an acrobatics check to see who gets the ball.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my literal goodness gracious.”

[Drew]:  “Wowzers.”

[Jordan]:  “I. Made.  Some.  Mistakes.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “I fucking, am loving this.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my Christ!”

[Drew]:  “What happened?”

[Jordan]:  “Alright let’s see which one of you guys gets the ball he doesn’t get it.”

[[Players laugh]]

[Caitie]:  “No, he did not!  No!”

[Christina]:  “Okay, you said acrobatics?”

[Jordan]:  “Mhm, yeah.”

[Christina]:  “Okay so it’s the Dex so…”

[Jordan]:  “If you guys have higher than a plus 1 you automatically beat him because he rolled a Nat 1.”

[All players]:  “Ohhhhh!!!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, he rolled dogshite.”

[Christina]:  “Well I myself just rolled a 16 on the die, which is a 19 so…”

[Jordan]:  “So yeah, odds are you got it unless you want to see if one of your bird friends can grab it first.”

[Christina]:  “If they can get it first, yeah hang on let me see if they get higher than a 19, they also have a plus 3.  13 for one and… 20 FOR THE OTHER!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my actual-”

[Drew]:  “Oh boy!”

[Jordan]:  Deadpan  “One of your eagles has the ball.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “Can we say that it was like the same one that managed to get him to drop it?  So it’s just one eagle is a regular eagle and the other one is wearing like a void ball jersey and headband.  And he’s just like – fucking void ball all day, every day baby!!”

[Christina]:  “One of them has muscles you can see through its fucking body and its feathers, it just looks ripped as hell for a bird.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh my actual Christ. Okay cool-”

[Drew]:  “There’s a regular eagle and a jock eagle?”

[Christina]:  “The other one’s his girlfriend who’s mainly there for moral support.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.  Yeah, no, Jock Bird has the ball.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “Jock Bird”

[Jordan]:  “Holy, fuck me, how did this happen.”

[Christina]:  Chiming in  “And I think…technically, he still, wouldn’t he still have movement?”

[Jordan]:  “…you summoned them right at his foot didn’t you.”

[Christina]:  “I mean yeah, and they have 80 feet of flying.  So even if they did like a 10 foot drop to hit him…”

[Jordan]:  “And he used his reaction to cast shield.”

[[Record Scratch]]

[[Drew and Christina laugh uncontrollably]]

[Caitie]:  “I don’t think anyone would blame him.”

[Jordan]:  “So… uh…. Reset.  Point 1 Agents.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra’s just shouting-”


[Drew]:  “I think the whole team is going  ‘BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS’”  Laughs


[Jordan]:  “I’m imagining Winterra as a very sore winner so she’s getting all up in their face.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “Oh definitely!  Because that’s just how she would be with her brother when they were fucking fighting.  She’s just all up in it and she’s just loving this, like this is her realm.  Her realm is play fighting so she’s so about this.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my-”

[Christina]:  “And she, she’s kind of also trying to show off a little bit.  So she might be restraining herself just a little bit, but she is still trying to show off.”

[Drew]:  “I will say, in the background Arlo is full on chest bumping the eagle.  Jock Eagle.   Jock Bird.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.  Hm.  Ya know?  I’m actually gonna pull a similar page from the other person I realized who dun fucked up.”

[Drew]:  “And just call it?”  Laughs

[Jordan]:  “I have other things I wanted to get to, some of that other stuff took a little longer than expected. Let’s just go ahead and call this one wrapped.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeeeees.”

[Christina]:  “You guys don’t even get a turn!  It’s just Winterra and her eagles fucking going for it.”

[Jordan]:  “Ironically I think it was eagles that fucked up the other guy too.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe and Arlo are just standing on the sidelines at this point.  Like they’re floating on the sidelines at this point.”

[Jordan]:  “Attention all DMs out there:  If you want to make a fun fantasy sport for your players, 1) make sure they don’t have a druid.  2) Outlaw eagles, they ruin your game!  Always and forever it is the law of the land apparently.”

[Christina]:  Laughs  “You guys are just on the sidelines doing the ‘Lucky Star’ cheerleading dance.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes, absolutely.”

[Drew]:  “No!”      

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[Drew]:  “Okay, maybe a little bit.”

[Jordan]:  “The rest of the game is eerily similar, it starts off again with Harven having the ball but Winterra being super overly aggressive just bum rushes him with more eagles and they just keep scoring over and over and over again and he can do nothing to stop it.”

[Drew]:  “Winterra just fucking body slamming him, the eagles steal the ball and she’s just like- Ooh, how do you feel??”

[Saithe]:  “In all fairness, we kicked their asses before I’m not really certain why they thought this would be a good idea.”

[Arlo and Winterra]:  “Ooooooh!!”

[Jordan]:  “They were under mind control, with very strict regulations on their moveset, also I made another huge mistake and I took away Hope’s ability to use ‘Counterspell’ because I thought I was being nice.  Turns out I was being a stupid.”

[Caitie]:  “Definitely stupid.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh well, whatever.” 


[Christina]:  “Can I just say I keep the eagles around to hang out with us for BEACH DAY because they’re cool as shit?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah, why not?”

[Drew]:  “Fuck yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “You magically see the Fun Pals show back up again and they are riding the eagles, partying with them like a bunch of motherfuckers.”

[Drew]:  “Nice.”

[Caitie]:  “I love them.”

[Christina]: “Yeeees.”

[Jordan]:  “So as all this post game celebration is going on, Divine Shield comes up to you guys like super super humbled, but Saithe you actually have someone poke on your shoulder.  And you turn over and it is 7 and Rhelynn.”

[Saithe]:  “Hi guys!”

[7]:  “H-hey, I uh…”

[Jordan]:  “And then Rhelynn speaks up like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “7 wanted to ask you something.”

[Saithe]:  “What is it?”

[Jordan]:  “And then 7 looks really embarrassed like-”

[7]:  Through gritted teeth  “Shut up!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  Chuckling  “Relax, it’s not what you think. So 7 kind of starts up like-”

[7]:  “I wanted if you um-”  Mumbles quietly

[Saithe]:  “I’m sorry, what?”

[Jordan]:  “And Rhelynn just elbows him really hard like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Quit doing this, just ask her!”

[7]:  “Fine!! God… Did you like my poetry?”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  Hang on a minute actually.”

[Caitie]:  “And she reaches into her bag and she pulls out a little book-”

[7]:  “No!”

[Caitie]:  “-and she opens it and it’s just full of drawings.”

[Jordan]:  “Not where I thought that was going but I love it. 7 looks over and he’s like-”

[7]:  “I mean…that’s pretty cool but it doesn’t answer my question.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m sorry that I laughed at you.  Yes, I thought your poetry was actually rather well written.  Very good in grammar and I didn’t see very many spelling mistakes.  And your timing, and rhyming were actually very well done.”

[Jordan]:  “He actually looks really really happy as you- or you know, at least as happy as a try hard emo person can look. You remember me from early highschool right?  Like that!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll own it.  At this point Rhelynn kind of dips out, her work being done as the “mom” of the group.  And 7 speaks up-”

[7]:  “Well if, if you want I actually… I wrote one kind of recently if you’d like to hear it maybe I dunno you don’t have to it’s stupid don’t worry about it.”

[Saithe]: “No!  I wouldn’t mind hearing it!”

[7]:  “Oh well in that case!”

[Jordan]:  “And he immediately, very quickly flips out his book.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god.”

[Jordan]:  Clears his throat

[Caitie]:  “This poor noodle.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no just wait, this is about to get painful.”

[Christina]:  “Oh there’s actual poetry, oh my goodness!”

[Drew]:  “Ohhhhnoooo.”

[Jordan]:  “Caitie, this will sound eerily familiar to you.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no!  Please don’t tell me it’s one that you actually wrote, like in highschool?!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, I’ve long since gotten rid of that.”

[Drew]:  “Woah woahwoahwoahwoahwoah, time out!  Jordan did you write poetry in highschool?”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, we all did.”

[Christina]:  To Drew  “Be nice to Jordan or I’m gonna tell them about your poetry.”

[Drew]:  “…shut up.”

[Jordan]:  “We will get to this on the Peek Behind the Screen.  Look forward to that, and if you aren’t a patron, hop on if you wanna hear us talk about our cringy teenage poetry.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t have any of that.”

[Caitie]:  “It really was cringey.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh-huh.”

[Christina]:  Accusatory to Drew  “Mhm.”

[Jordan]:  “Anyway, so 7 gets really serious like-”

[7]:     “The wind howls, but no one hears it. 

But the pain whimpers, cries!  In the night sky.

Blood drips loudly, for an audience of – none.  

A moonlit smile – laughs – with hollow eyes.

A crimson dagger mourns.  Silent.  Like a mouse.

As the final gasp rings out, silent-

As the night.”

[Jordan]:  “And he looks at you like-”

[7]:  “Did, did you get the last part, it’s because the night’s not silent, it’s like an irony type deal.”

[[Christina breaks with laughter]]   

[7]:  “Anyway did you like it?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes!”

[7]:  “Oh thank god!  I’m not gonna lie, I was really kind worried about that because of that one but I thought it was you know okay I guess but if you liked it and you liked my other stuff then I guess it’s pretty alright…okay bye!”

[Jordan]:  “And he leaves.  Like so quickly.”

[Christina]:  “Oh my goodness, this is so incredible.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe catches Bookworm’s eye and kind of signs – Boy I’m glad I’m constantly smiling.”

[Jordan]:  “She just kind of nods knowingly.”

[Drew]:  “Haikus can be fun.  They don’t have to make sense.  Refrigerator.”

[[Jordan laughs]]   

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god.”

[Christina]:  “Oh goodness that one.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay anyway, so after all that ends and Divine Shield breaks off from saying-”

[Harven]:  “Good game, good game.”

[Jordan]:  “While trying not to hide the obvious, you know, butthurt.”

[Caitie]:  “Shame?”

[Jordan]:  “Hope looks especially crushed by it.  Like you could tell that she was the Winterra of the group where she is super into it.”

[Caitie]:  “Shame!  Shame!  Shame!”

[Jordan]:  “After that, Nnelg actually comes up to you-”

[Nnelg]:  “Hey!  I was wondering when I would be able to catch up with you guys again!”

[Arlo]:  “Hey Nnelg, buddy!  It’s good to see ya!  I see you got the job.”

[Nnelg]:  “Yeah!  The boss lady uh- what was her name again, sorry I’m not great with names.”

[Arlo]:  “Raiann.”

[Nnelg]:  “Raiann, right!  Thanks Argo!”

[Arlo]:  “Wow.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra nods understandingly.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo tries very hard not to look hurt.”

[[All laugh]]

[Arlo]:  “Wow okay. Th-that’s cool, it’s fine. I’m fine with that.” 

[Nnelg]:  “Yeah, she told me that someone from the group had apparently asked me to come on so I figured it was either you guys or the other one, you know the other team with the dragonborn, the shifter, and the tief- I kind of figured it would be all based on teams like that which would have been kind of weird but yeah apparently I’m gonna be working with you guys.  I apparently get to work in a place called ‘Rick Slavenly’s Corporeal Oozes?’ I haven’t had a chance to meet anyone else in there, do you guys happen to know them?  I was hoping to figure out who my coworkers are going to be from now on?”

[Saithe]:  “They’re interesting but they’re good people!”

[Nnelg]:  “Oh!  Well that’s good.”

[Arlo]:  “Nnelg, I wanna say ahead of time, that we’re glad to have ya, and also that I am sorry.”

[Nnelg]:  “Why would you be sorry?”

[Saithe]:  “Don’t listen to him!”

[Nnelg]:  “Are they bad?”

[Saithe]:  “No!  They’re not bad.”

[Arlo]:  “Just don’t…like, don’t ask what anything’s made of.”

[Nnelg]:  “Okay, now I’m starting to get nervous and honestly I – I had a pretty good thing over in Silverymoon so if I really got hired over into a shittier place I’m gonna need to figure out who it was that recommended me and I will give them a cursed mark the likes of which they have never seen before.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Nnelg]:  “‘Cause that, that’s super not cool to just pull me away like that.  I mean yeah, it was kind of the dental that sold me, not gonna lie, but still.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean we’ve got benefits and the pay is awesome but Rick’s just like a little bit weird.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright.”

[Arlo]:  “And I’m 60% sure that the tonics that he makes contain some manner of cum.”

[Saithe]:  “No they do not! Stop spreading lies.”

[Christina]:  “Terra pushes Arlo, like she just pushes him in the shoulder to like move him away and she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “If you can put up with my brother, you can put up with them.”

[Nnelg]:  “…right.  Well, anyway, that was part of why I came over.  I also figured since you know, we met before and you guys know what I’m about, and also since I am friends with your brother-”

[Jordan]:  “And he holds out a fist for a fist pound.  Roll an intelligence check to see if you know what a fist pound is.”

[Christina]:  “That’s a 4!  So she just stares at him.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is gonna reach over and fist bump him with her tail.”  

[Nnelg]:  “Alright, not what I was aiming for, but coolcool.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just looks so confused.”

[Nnelg]:  “But I figured I would see if like you know, you guys wanted to be my first official DAMNED clients.”

[Saithe]:  “Yes.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh hell yeah buddy.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright!”

[Jordan]:  “And you see him from like underneath his coat pull out a ridiculously large briefcase that had no right being in there unnoticed.  And he just slams it out and busts open this thing and it has so many inks and needles and all sorts of shit you guys have never even seen before like-”

[Nnelg]:  “So who’s first?”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t these things take hours and hours on end or something?”

[Nnelg]:  “I mean, if you suck at it sure.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright, fair enough.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is going to literally hand him a satchel of 3200 gold.”

[Nnelg]:  “Ah!  I see we want one of the nice ones then!  Alright, what’s it going to be?”

[Saithe]:  “Ravens!”

[Christina]:  “That one’s a cool one, I was thinking about that one.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alrighty, not a problem!  Real quick, before I do this I just need to make sure you understand how this one works um, you do know that whatever arm I do this to you cannot wear any armor on it otherwise it will just kind of not.”

[Saithe]:  “No, I know!  I’m prepared for it.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright cool!  Just wanted to make sure.  Sit down and hold your breath for like 10 seconds!”

[Jordan]:  “And you see him, it almost looks like he just does like a quick squiggly line up her arm, like from the wrist all the way up her arm to be clear, and the line sort of extends onto where the chest meets the shoulder and is just a flock of ravens.  And then, you see him pull out a dagger – he licks the dagger, and stabs your arm.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe’s expression is unchanging.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]   

[Nnelg]:  “Ooh, I like her she’s a tough one!”

[Jordan]:  “And then he pulls it out and the wound immediately heals in on itself and the tattoo itself begins to have like a dark aura around it as it settles in.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright who’s next!”

[Arlo]:  “Ooh, ooh, ooh, do me!”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright, you got it big boy!  What’s it gonna be?”

[Arlo]:  “Umm…”

[Drew]:  “And he looks through the catalogue-”

[Arlo]:  “Ooh, this one calls out to me. I’ll take the wings of ink.”

[Nnelg]:  “Ooh, very nice very nice.  Now, under normal circumstances I would assume dragon?  But do you want dove wings or something?  I can do whatev.  Some nice pixie wings-”

[Arlo]:  “Dragon winds all the way my man.”

[Nnelg]:  “Alright cool, just wanted to double check. I’ve had one person, another dragonborn, we wanted pixie wings, did not specify, was very angry with me.  I am no longer allowed in that town anymore.  Also, if you ever run across a guy name Mayor Pixiewings you do not know me.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Arlo]:  “Don’t worry buddy, I’m no snitch.”

[Jordan]:  “And so he gets ready to draw on you.”

[Nnelg]:  “Oh right, almost forgot, same thing with her, can’t wear any armor that has a back on it.”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t worry, I can talk to my armory buddy and get my stuff modified.”

[Nnelg]:  “Man this place is fucking awesome, you guys have all the best connections.  Anyway, here we go!”

[Jordan]:  “And he does the quick line thing again and there’s just like a brief pause because you can’t see what he’s doing, and he just stabs you right in the back.”

[Arlo]:  “Ah!  Ehem, I mean, didn’t feel a thing, totally fine.”

[Saithe]:  “Pussy.”

[Nnelg]:  “I mean she said it, I was gonna but you know, beat me to it.”

[Jordan]:  “And he pulls out the dagger and for everyone other than Arlo you see same thing, a blackish aura kind of envelops the ink and then it settles.”

[Arlo]:  “Does it look cool?  I can’t see it.”

[Nnelg]:  “Are you implying I do anything less than good work?  Are you trying to besmirch the good name of Nnelg?”    

[Arlo]:  “I would never besmirch the good name of Nnelg.”

[Nnelg]:  “Damn straight bitch.  Anyway, do you want anything bear-girl?”

[Christina]:  “So I’ve still been struggling with deciding whether I think Winterra would ever want a tattoo, and especially one that’s a large one on her chest.  Especially after watching her friends get stabbed with a dagger in the – for her it would be in the chest!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, because getting stabbed in the back is way less fatal.”

[Christina]:  Trills  “Okay, what does this Wisdom tattoo look like?”

[Jordan]:  “Well that one actually does not have a set design on it so you can just have it be what fucking ever.  As long as it is wise.  Whatever that means to you.”

[Christina]:  “I was just going to say if he can do the three auras that she summons.”

[Jordan]:  “Oooh, okay.  Alright yeah, we can definitely do that.”

[Christina]:  “And maybe instead of it being just like, not like a pec style chest ‘cause I guess chest could technically be ribcage part of it too like her upper ribcage, like if it just went along the bottom?”

[Jordan]:  “I’m willing to allow it to be torso.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “I’m not gonna lie, part of me thought you were just going to get three F’s.”

[Christina]:  “Why??”

[Drew]:  “For ‘Fuck Forest Fires’!”

[[Crickets chirping]]

[Jordan]:  “Wooooooow.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, yeah I did that to all of you just now.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so where specifically did you want this again?”

[Christina]:  “So I was thinking along her ribcage if it can be full torso, or if it needs to be chest like upper torso, like right above where her diaphragm is. Like that area of her ribcage.”

[Jordan]:  “If rib is more appealing to you, I am fully willing to extend that, it’s not like an official thing* this is homebrew, it’s whatever flavor we want.”

*Tasha’s wasn’t out yet!!

[Christina]:  “Yeah limb is fully more appealing, I hate the idea of her having a chest tattoo.  I don’t hate chest tattoos in general but on Winterra I just didn’t like the idea of it, I would totally prefer an arm tattoo.  Like a shoulder.”

[Jordan]:  “No no, you’re good.  Similar with the others he does the real quick line and the picture of a bear cub, an eagle and a unicorn all appear on your ribcage and-”

[Christina]:  “Can I- nope, nope.  Hers were bear cub, wolf, and eagle I think.”

[Jordan]:  “Pretty sure it was unicorn on there?”  

[Christina]:  “It says you can pick what they look like. Er, I’m sorry – bear, hawk, and wolf.  It says that you can decide what animals are most important to you in that regard.  So hers were bear, hawk, and wolf.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, okay cool.  Guess I didn’t read Xanathar’s that carefully.  Cool, cool, cool.  So, as I definitely said the first time, and you just have to believe me on this one, a bear, eagle, and wolf are now on your ribs.”

[Christina]:  “Hawk.”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck me.”

[Christina]:  “Eh, it’s fine nevermind! We’ll, I’ll just change my thing so it says Eagle.  So we’ll do bear, eagle, and wolf.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean eagles did just win you a game, so.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, I’ll change my character sheet so it makes sense. So we’ll do bear, eagle, and wolf.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s more convenient for me if you change everything about your character than me redo a line.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Christina]:  “Bear, eagle, wolf is fine.”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you for your sacrifice.  Oh god, so anyway those three animals that are definitely the correct thing, no matter what, are now on your ribs.  And he stabs into your ribs, you note he specifically made sure to get like in between the ribs.  Like he stabbed it correctly for a killing wound for some reason as opposed to just not being a dick about it.  But you also don’t sense any malice out of him so you think he was just being a dumbass.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just comments, she doesn’t even like, can I roll to see if she doesn’t flinch?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh yeah, fuck it roll a con save.”

[Christina]:  “That’s a nat20 holy shit that’s the second one today!” 

[Caitie]:  “Yesssss!!”

[Drew]:  “Yeah!!”

[Christina]:  “On the same die.”

[Jordan]:  “You have a more stoic expression on your face than Saithe did.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra just comments-”

[Winterra]:  “I see why my brother likes you.”

[Nnelg]:  “I see it runs in the family.”

[Jordan]:  “So he pulls out the knife, it heals, and the ink settles same as it did for Arlo and Saithe.”

[Christina]:  “Nice.”


[Jordan]:  “Alright, that was everything I had planned for the beach so-”

[Drew]: Little shit energy “I had something that I wanted to do.”  

[Jordan]:  “NO! …What’d you want to do?”

[Drew]:  “I wanted to talk to my elven confidant friend who I have been doing my sensitivity trainings with.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, you go up to Aelar.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh hey Aelar!”

[Aelar]:  “Oh, hello.”

[Arlo]:  “We’ve been hanging out and uh, I’d like to, I’d like to say that we’re friends right?”

[Aelar]:  “I would like to say at least that, yes.” 

[Arlo]:  “Then I need to ask you a very important question Aelar.”

[Aelar]:  “I’m free on Fridays, yes.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh god!”

[Arlo]:  “No Aelar, more than that.”

[Drew]:  “And he takes him by the hand and he says-”

[Arlo]:  “Aelar, will you…wingman for me?”

[Aelar]:  “Alright first of all you have to realize that I have been lusting after you very hungrily since you first showed up for you to ask this is almost a little bit insulting, but yes.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo in his endless amount of fucking, almost idiocy, is just like-”

[Arlo]:  “I mean yeah but I dunno, fuck yeah let’s do this shit!”

[Aelar]:  “So, who were you thinking?”

[Arlo]:  “Uh…don’t worry about it.”

[Aelar]:  “I feel like I have to I-you- listen, Arlo, you can’t just wingman generically.  It has to be custom made, tailor fit!  Otherwise it is doomed to fail!  So, if I am going to do this properly, and for you-”

[Jordan]:  “And he kind of does a quick once over-”

[Aelar]:  “I need to make sure it’s perfect.” 

[Arlo]:  “So…don’t freak out.   Raiann.”

[Jordan]:  “He goes ghostly pale and is like-”

[Aelar]:  “Oh please tell me you’re joking.”

[Arlo]:  “You already agreed to it!”

[Aelar]:  “Um..”  Clears throat  “Alright, so, not going to lie I really don’t know how to handle that one.  In, in my mind you were going to say Rhelynn which I could have easily handled, but you said the other dragonborn lady who honestly, I don’t know if she even sees sexual attraction.”

[Arlo]:  “I’m willing to try.”

[Aelar]:  “Can you at least fill me in on the plan so I know how to like, follow you?  Because I’m not going to lie, I really don’t have much here.”

[Arlo]:  “I just uh, she’s- she’s busy manning the grill I just need you to take over for her on the grill to give her some free time to hang out a bit.”

[Aelar]:  “Um…Arlo I’m a terrible cook but I-I promise to try!”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Arlo]:  “Hey, it doesn’t have to be good.  It just has to be convincing enough that she’s willing to take a walk with me.”

[Aelar]:  “Right…um…”

[Jordan]:  “And he starts walking with you and puts a hand on your shoulder and is like-”

[Aelar]:  “Just please be mindful, don’t do anything…stupid.”

[Caitie]:  “You know the meme of the girl where her neck’s all the way back and her teeth are out and it’s like – the what?!”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah!”

[Caitie]:  “I’m making that face right now.”

[[Christina laughs]] 

[Jordan]:  “So he goes over ahead of you and says-”

[Aelar]:  “Uh, excuse me, do you mind if I were to try manning the grill?”

[Jordan]:  “And Raiann looks super confused and she’s like-”

[Raiann]:  “You’ve never shown any capacity for cooking a day in your- honestly the only reason Orillo isn’t even on this thing is because he wanted to spend time with Yarvem and Bookworm and so I’m doing him a favor.  Normally, he’d be the one manning this. But, I’m the only other one who’s apparently qualified to handle this – have you even ever cooked anything before?” 

[Aelar]:  “Yes, plenty!”

[Jordan]:  “And now I’m going to roll deception for him to see if he can pull this off.”

[Drew]:  “Can I give him a help action?”

[Jordan]:  “Are you proficient in persuasion?”

[Drew]:  “…no…”

[Jordan]:  “Then no that is-”

[Caitie]:  “I am!”

[Jordan]:  “You’re not involved in this.”

[Caitie]:  “I know…”

[Jordan]:  “Holy fuck!”

[Drew]:  “What”

[Jordan]:  “He did good.”

[Drew]:  “Niiiice.”

[Caitie]:  “Get it bb.”

[Jordan]:  “Holy, alright, shit, that’s – I’m impressed.  He did a good.  And fuck me, her insight’s really good though…oh wow!  Stars are fucking aligning god damn, that was, that was lucky as fuck dude.” 

[Raiann]:  “Ugh, alright fine!  I could use a break from this anyway, just please don’t…burn anything.  If you do just give it to Rick, he’ll probably eat it, maybe, I don’t know.”

[Jordan]:  “And so Aelar, very hesitantly, mans the grill and kind of gives you a knowing nod.  And Raiann kind of walks over somewhere else and looks out at everyone I guess.  She takes over more of a supervisor role at this point.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of walks over like-”

[Arlo]:  “Hey Raiann!  I see you’re finally free from the grill!  Why don’t we come have a nice relaxing walk on the beach, you know, release some tension, have a little bit of time to relax?”

[Raiann]:  “Hm…well normally I would have to decline because I need to spend these moments keeping my eyes on the Fun Pals, they always get into trouble during these trips but-”

[Arlo]:  “Eh, the eagles are watching ‘em.”

[Raiann]:  “That’s what I was about to say, Winterra actually solved the problem for me!  Had I known eagles were the solution I would’ve just gotten Bookworm to summon them years ago.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean for some reason it seems like eagles always seem to be a solution like y’know, whether it’s a void ball game or just on a hypothetical taking a cursed ring into a volcano.”

[Raiann]:  “Oddly specific but alright.  Well, lead the way I suppose.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, and I guess they walk together on the beach.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep, you guys happen to share some private time.”

[Drew]:  “So while they’re walking on the beach and such Arlo kind of breaches the subject-”

[Arlo]:  “So um, Raiann.  I’ve kinda, we’ve spent alotta time together but um, y’know, not quite as much in a personal aspect, although we’ve kind of been developing that a little bit more as of late.”

[Raiann]:  “Yes, a little bit more. Especially as of recently.”

[Jordan]:  “And she kind of looks at you-”

[Raiann]:  “You haven’t told anyone about that, right?”

[Arlo]:  “Oh no, of course not.  Just between you and me.”

[Raiann]:  “I don’t need anyone else thinking I’m weak.  I have a reputation to uphold here and I would like to be able to maintain that.  So, I do thank you for respecting that.”

[Arlo]:  “Raiann you’re not weak, you’re honestly the strongest person I – well – one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

[Raiann]:  “If not for the fact I knew who your family was I would almost be insulted.”

[Arlo]:  Chuckles  “I mean, the, I guess the reason why I’m bringing this up is…I’d wonder if you’d be willing to spend a little bit more time with me in I guess what could be considered more of a date?”

[Jordan]:  “She stops, and just looks at you.”

[Raiann]:  “Ex-cuse you??”

[Arlo]:  “I mean- you know what I’m not going to be timid about this I – I’d very much like to take you out on a date Raiann.”

[Jordan]:  “She sighs and is like-”

[Raiann]:  “Oh gods.  Look.  I certainly respect you as an individual and I see the potential that you have.  That is why I made you the leader of the Agents and why I decided to take you on as my pupil.  However, when it comes to a personal standpoint, we don’t really know much about each other.  I have been through A LOT in my life, that one little snippet I told you is but a peek into the life that I have lived.  There is quite a bit of baggage and if it is all the same to you, there are also some things I would like to keep to myself.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean, no one’s asking you to completely bare your soul but don’t try to bear the brunt of everything and the brunt of life alone.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll me a persuasion check.”

[Caitie]:  “Roll high, roll high, roll high!”

[Drew]:  “So…that wasn’t good BUT I would like to use the coin.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh. My. Fuck.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah.  Yeah Jordan.  Yeah!”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “The coin Jordan!  THE COIN.”

[Jordan]:  “This is going to now end really, really poorly.  Or go super fucking well!”  

[[Music cuts out and there is the sound of a coin flip]]

[Jordan]:  “Okay.”

[Drew]:  “Pleasepleasepleaseplease fingerscrossed fingerscrossed.”

[Jordan]:  “She leers her eyes at you and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Arlo, I’m going to be blunt with you.  I am not, in any way, interested in pursuing that form of a relationship.  However, I do tend to spend my weekends at a local tavern just outside of my old hometown.  I get Oudart to send me there so I can have a little bit of alone time.  If memory serves, I did promise you we would share some war stories.  If it would be of a satisfactory substitute – you may join me on these.  As a…friend.  Not as boss and employee, not as mentor and student but- as friends.  I can give you that.”

[Arlo]:  “That sounds just fine.”

[Raiann]:  “Very well then.  When next we train I shall be sure to present you with the address to it.  Go separately.  The last thing I need is any form of gossip forming around here and any sort of potential issues that might form.”

[Arlo]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “So, the day ends and time passes.  About another month or so.  You haven’t had any work since then, when one day you are all called into Raiann’s office again.  As you enter, it is not just Raiann in there.  It’s her husband!  No I’m just kidding.”

[Drew]:  “Fuck you!”

[Jordan]:  Laughs  “No no no.  In there with her is Aelar, Nissa, and Morgran.  And Raiann is not sitting at her desk as she normally would be.  She is standing in front of her desk and -”

[Raiann]:  “Hello Agents.  I have a new assignment for you all.  But, before we get to that, there is something else that we need to deal with.  As I am sure you have all doubt noticed on your, while admittedly few missions, we have a larger threat that we must deal with.  The individual known as Ash has appeared on more than one occasion.  In both instances, you were the ones who confronted him.  While he alone is a threat that cannot be ignored given his tides with the chaotic goddess of misery, or his draconic nature, the fact that he has specifically encountered you all leads me to believe that you three are likely to be his most desirable targets.  Now, because of this I am going to ensure that you are all capable of handling such a threat.  I cannot promise that I can make you strong enough to defeat him, but at the very least I can give you a fighting chance against him.  You three are now going to become my elite force to handle this dragon.”

[[Caitie squees]]

[Raiann]:  “But, as you are now you are ill equipped to do so.  Which is why you three need some upgrades.”

[Jordan]:  “She turns to you Arlo and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Doctor, do you by chance still have those nunchucks I bestowed upon you?”

[Arlo]:  “I keep them with me always.”

[Drew]:  “And he pulls them out from a small pouch on his belt.”

[Jordan]:  “She holds out her hand as if to ask for them.”

[Drew]:  “He places them in her hand.”

[Jordan]:  “As you do she takes a look at them and says-”

[Raiann]:  “Hm, they are surprisingly well kept.  Under normal circumstances I might assume that this is because of how well they are taken care of.  However, in this particular instance, even with good upkeep there would still be some wear and tear.  And I can’t help but notice a lack of it.  Arlo, how often were you using these?”

[Arlo]:  “Uh…I’ve used them once to fight some pixies.”

[Raiann]:  “Hm, I had a feeling as such.  You know, as I have trained you I have come to realize, we are very much different people.   You have a different history than I do, we come from a different lineage, and even the way we approach combat is drastically different.  I believed that the best way to teach you was to replicate how I was taught. However, I’ve now realized that it might instead be better for me to custom fit your regime to you.  After all, it only makes sense that you should have tools that are more befitting of yourself.”

[Jordan]:  “And she grabs the nunchucks in both hands and snaps them over her knee.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo audibly goes-”

[Arlo]:  High pitched cry 

[Raiann]:  “Oh don’t worry, they weren’t befitting of you as I said.  You know, after you came back, I decided to do a little bit more investigation into your family history.  I already knew that you were the son of Kommodra Agon, the ‘Red Hot Dynamo.’”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t speak her name, it gives her power.”

[Raiann]:  “However, as I looked in, imagine my surprise to find out you also had a famous father.  After all, I don’t think there’s anyone in the dragonborn clans who isn’t familiar with Jacob Long.  The man who helped to single handedly unite the chromatic and the metallic dragonborn during the second giants war.  For someone of that caliber to be your father and someone like Kommodra to be your mother, it is quite clear that you posses a fire in you greater than most other dragonborn have possessed.  So I think it only suiting that you have a weapon to match.”

[Jordan]:  “And she holds out her other hand towards Morgran.  And he throws a different set of nunchucks.  These ones are far more intricate than the other ones that you had received.  The other ones were more standard issue.  However these ones are emblazoned red with gold trim along them.  Almost in the shape of a sort of bird.  And as they land in Raiann’s hand, she begins to twirl them around, eerily similarly to how she did when she first showed you how she wielded hers.  However, it is not flames that come out from the nunchucks, but small silver bursts of energy whirl past all of you at light speed.  As she continues and the blast just whizz by you, narrowly missing, she grabs both ends and pulls them apart, the chain snapping and points them at you, and only now do you see at the end of each individual part there is a small barrel.  And two more shots fire out.”

[Drew]: Excitedly “Are- are you giving me gunchucks?”  

[Caitie]:  “Gunchucks!”

[Jordan]:  “I mean…I mean maybe.”

[Drew]:   “Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! 

[Caitie]:  “Fuck me!”

[Drew]:  “Literally Arlo witnesses this and a single tear rolls out.”

[Jordan]:  “She then flips them back over and says-”

[Raiann]:  “I believe these would be yours now.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo takes them and says-”

[Arlo]:  “This is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.”

[Raiann]:  “Oh, well in that case I suppose you won’t need the other things we had prepared.”

[Arlo]:  “I-I-It would be impolite to say no to anything like that.”

[Jordan]:  “So now Nissa and Morgran both walk up and Nissa points to you and says-”

[Nissa]:  “For this next part we’re actually going to need to um, borrow, some of your stuff.  We’re going to be upgrading your gear so to speak.  Now I know how you feel about this but, I-I need to see one, your shield, and I also need to see your hammer again.”

[Drew]:  “So Arlo, he hands over the shield with relative ease and then he holds the hammer out and he goes-”

[Arlo]:  “Don’t worry I’ve been getting much better at this.”  

[Drew]:  “And as she grabs it, he just fully does not let go of it.  And he has to pry his own fingers off of it one finger at a time.”

[Jordan]:  “As you do she smiles at you and says-”

[Nissa]:  “Don’t worry, we’ll be sure to leave on the insignia.”

[Arlo]:  “Th-thank you.”

[Jordan]:  “And she pulls out two small gems.  One blue, one white. In the blue one, it appears that there is a raging torrent, a maelstrom of water forcing its way around the small gem.  And inside the white gem you see a lightning storm, surging wildly.  As you see this you look at your newly found nunchucks – or gunchucks as you pointed out – and you see that each of them is emblazoned with a red gem that looks like a wildfire is raging within them.  First she takes the blue gem and rests it on your shield, at which point Morgran lifts his hammer and slams it down as hard as he can.  And a surge erupts from the shield.  At your feet you all feel ice cold, but on your faces you feel a wave of hot air rush past you.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra ducks, and almost cowers at that.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh just wait then.  As the shockwave fades, you see that the shield is now blue and is emblazoned with what looks like a sea serpent coiling around the front of the shield.  They then take the white gem and place it on the hammer.  And Morgran then once again lifts up the hammer, and as Arlo’s teeth clench and his butt puckers, Morgran brings down the hammer as hard as he can – and a loud thunderous BOOM erupts throughout the room.  And you see along the sides of the hammer there is now what looks like what to us would be a chinese dragon.”

[Drew]:  “Niiiice.”

[Jordan]:  “And Nissa holds both of them up and says-”

[Nissa]:  “Are you familiar with the four elemental guardians of this world?”

[[Drew rolls]]

[Arlo]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “In which case, the four elemental guardians would be the elder tempest – the lord of the skies.  The phoenix – the ruler of flames.  The leviathan – the king of the oceans.  And the zaratan – the lord of the land.”

[Nissa]:  “We’ve had this idea for awhile where we would create weapons based on these creatures.  And we figured – why not you?  We don’t have anything for the zaratan just yet but we can figure something out later on.  But for now we present you with-”

[Jordan]:  “She points to the nunchucks-”

[Nissa]:  “The phoenix’s fury.”

[Jordan]:  “-she holds up the shield-”

[Nissa]:  “ The leviathan’s wrath.”

[Jordan]:  “- and then the hammer.”

[Nissa]:  “And the elder tempest benevolence.”

[Jordan]:  “And I will explain to you what these things do later, because I don’t want to go that far over and I still have other things to do.”

[Drew]:  “Oh for sure, for sure.  But Arlo takes them with a great reverence and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “Thank you all.  I can’t express with words my gratitude.  I will do my best to make you all proud and to make sure your work is put to good use.”

[Nissa]:  “I know you will.”

[Jordan]:  “And then Raiann says-”

[Raiann]:  “We know you will Arlo.  However, you are not the only member of the team, and as such you are not the only one receiving new toys.”

[Jordan]:  “She then turns over to Winterra.”

[Raiann]:  “I believe you are next.  Aelar?”

[Jordan]:  “And Aelar walks over holding a cape.”

[Aelar]:  “This my dear is among my finest work.  When most people think of who the king of the beasts is, they would argue the lion.  However, I’ve also spent time with Forngal and I’ve spent time with you and I think I would decidedly choose the bear instead. So I present to you – The Cowl of the Beast King.”

[Jordan]:  “And you see on this cowl that there are three hoods. One that looks like the head of a large owl.  Another that looks like the head of a panther.  And then a third one that appears to have a head of some unholy combination of a deer and a hawk that have teeth.”

[Drew]:  “A dawk.”

[Christina]:  “I love it.”

[Aelar]:  “For each mantle you don, you shall gain the beast’s power.  You can have the strength of the owlbear, the agility of the displacer beast, or the speed of the peryton.”

[Jordan]:  “And as with Arlo’s stuff I will explain it later.  Then Nissa comes up and is like-”

[Nissa]:  “And I also have something.  It’s another little invention that I was coming up with that I think you might be able to make good use of.”

[Jordan]:  “And she gives you what – it’s like a ball, roughly the size of like a softball, it is white on the top, red on the bottom-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh-”

[Nissa]:  “This is…and invention of mine.  I came up with it all my own!”

[Christina/Winterra]:  “Uh-huh.”

[Nissa]:  “It’s called the Pocket Monster Sphere.”

[Christina/Winterra]:  Laughing  “Uh-huh.”

[Drew]:  Groaning  “Ooooooooooh my-”

[Christina]:  “I knew immediately when you said the red and white.”

[Jordan]:  “No no, it’s totally different.  The one you’re thinking of is red on top.  I said white on top it’s totally unique and different don’t come after me please.  So Nissa goes on to say-”

[Nissa]:  “This will actually allow you to store the essence of some of nature’s most powerful creatures and use them as your own.  Kind of like a summon but a little different. I-I think once you use it you’ll understand.”

[Jordan]:  “And then Morgran steps forward-”

[Morgran]:  “Alright little lady, you’re up.”

[Jordan]:  “Looking at you Saithe.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m ready!”

[Jordan]:  “And the first thing he pulls out is a crossbow.”

[Morgran]:  “Now, I hear talk that you’re something of like a devil person?”

[Saithe]:  “Uh…yes.”

[Morgran]:  “Cool.  This woulda been real awkward otherwise.  We decided to make for you somethin’ based on a devil bounty hunter.  You familiar with an Orthon?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll me history with advantage.” 

[Caitie]:  “Woohoohoohoohoo, a nat20.”

[Christina]:  “Nice.”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck yeah, you got it.”

[Drew]:  “Saithe has an Orthon poster in her room.”

[Jordan]:  “Maybe.  Orthons are very powerful devils that serve as bounty hunters for greater devils.  Like Asmodeus probably has a legion of Orthon that serve him.” 

[Drew and Caitie]:  “Noice.”

[Drew]:  “Hah, jinx!”

[Jordan]:  “And you notice that it looks very similar to a normal crossbow other than the sort of devilish appearance of it, except it also looks like it has a barrel like you would see on a 6 shot revolver.”

[Morgran]:  “Now, this barrel here.  This is where the real fun shit happens.  Each one of these has got a special little power in it.  If you shoot one of your crossbows through it, then you can use it.  It’s got all kinds of crazy shit good for knocking people out and kicking their ass and all that stuff.”

[Caitie]:  “She looks giddy as hell.”

[Morgran]:  “And we got one more thing for ya.  So I’m gonna need to see your ass.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m sorry, what now?”

[Jordan]:  “Nissa comes over and punches him in the arm like-”

[Nissa]:  “Your tail dear.  He meant your tail.”

[Caitie]:  “She holds it up.”

[Jordan]:  “And Morgran holds out this – it almost looks like a handcuff with a hook on it and he clamps it onto your tail.”

[Saithe/Caitie]:  “Oooooh, my tail gets its own weapon!!”

[Morgran]:  “Now, I hear talk that your tail is pretty bitchin’.”

[Saithe]:  “I would say so.”

[Morgran]:  “Well, now it can do a few more things.  Alright, now can you like flex the lower part of your tail that’s in this thing?”

[Caitie]:  “She does so.”

[Jordan]:  “So the what almost looks like a blade splits off into three sections and almost looks like a hand.”

[Morgran]:  “Alright, now the top part.”

[Caitie]:  “She does it.”

[Jordan]:  “It retracts back into the bladed form.”

[Morgran]:  “Alright, now flex your whole thing, like a whole little meat tube.”

[Caitie]:  “And she does it!”

[[Christina holding back laughter]]

[Drew]:  “Please, never again say ‘meat tube.’”

[Jordan]:  “And as Nissa groans at her husband’s vulgarity, it sort of retracts a little bit and at the tip of the blade a small flame is produced.”

[Saithe]:  “I’m going to fuck a whole bunch of things up with this!”

[Morgran]:  “Yeah you fucking are!”

[Saithe]:  “Er, sorry boss.”

[Raiann]:  “No need to apologize, I’m sure you will have plenty of opportunities to make use of this. As I said, I have work for you all.”

[Jordan]:  “And that is where we shall pause our tale for now!”

[[Outtro starts]]

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys, thank you all so much for listening. Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper.  We’re adding those to the end of each episode as a little something for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, we have some plugs and promotions!  For anyone in the South Charlotte area, check out ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose’ on Facebook.  They’re a local bakery who specializes in, you guessed it, cheesecakes!  They do custom orders and delivery so it’s a quick and easy way to satisfy your sweet tooth.  We are also partnered with ‘Black Feather Graphics,’ they’ve helped us with the show before, designing our logo and official art used on our social media.  They’ve recently started to specialize in apparel so check them out at  Finally, our own Drew McClain is the fitness genius behind kinetic concepts. When he’s not reciting the holy scriptures of Bahamut, Drew is a personal trainer who customizes your workout to your own needs. He’s helped me get in fighting shape and is also helping my brother to prepare for a marathon.  To get yourself in shape just find kinetic concepts on instagram.  If you want to support the show, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Agents of DAMNED and Twitter @AgentsofD.   We also have a patreon at Agents of DAMNED where we post episodes a week before their standard release, alongside our aftershow Peek Behind the Screen where we talk about what happened in the episode and what we think will happen next.  Finally, check out our website at where you can get access to full transcriptions of each episode and learn a little bit about the show’s creators.   Until next time, bye!!”

[[Ending theme ends followed by TV static]]  

[[Promo swap with the amazing Chaotic Creations]]

[Harper]:  “Are you bored of the usual character archetypes?”

[Darby]:  “Do you feel like you see the same characters over and over again?”

[Harper]:  “Is there not enough chaotic energy in your podcasts?”

[Darby]:  “Well have we got the solution for you!”

[Harper]:  “Hi, I’m Harper!”

[Darby]:  “And I’m Darby!”

[Harper]:  “Chaotic Creations is a podcast where we take the weirdest character prompts we can think of and make playable dungeons and dragons characters.”

[Darby]:  “There’s bad jokes-”

[Harper]:  “I wonder what minotaur sounds like?”

[Darby]:  “And they’re really having a heartfelt speech, just really moo-ving.”

[Darby]:  “Backstories!”

[Harper]:  “An eagle kenku who says ‘Eagle!’ And people are like, not quite.”

[Darby]:  “And of course, plenty of chaos.”

[Harper]:  “Y’know, I don’t consider mayonnaise to be a liquid but I also don’t really consider it to be food.”

[Darby]:  “Maybe he squishes his pecs together with just a little cymbal between just like – clash!

[Harper]: “We upload new episodes every Wednesday, and you can hear the two of us-”

[Darby]:  “And some guests!”

[Harper]:  “Make some truly strange D&D characters.”

[Darby]:  “Find us on your local podcatcher of choice.”

[Harper]:  “And check us out on twitter @ChaoticPod.  I’m Harper, your lawful nerdy paladin.”

[Darby]:  “And I’m Darby, your chaotic tired bard.”

[Harper]:  “And we hope you’ll join us on  Chaotic Creations.”

[[Chaotic Creations Promo ends followed by more TV static]]     

[Caitie]:  “Alright, so I know you’re going to cut this, but that reminds me of a story.  Michael and I went to Disney Galaxy’s Edge – the Star Wars park?”

[Drew]:  “Neat.”

[Caitie]:  “And it was the fucking coolest thing in the world and they have these little shoulder pets, they’re the lizard monkeys, that y’know they laugh, like contagious laugh.  And we both bought one, and we have them and they’re on our shoulders and we’re making them look around and laugh at people.  They’re like little puppets.  And this guy walks by us and is like – OH!  Well look AT YOU HAVING SO MUCH FUN! And he was SO pissed and he’s looking back at his wife and he’s like- But that would be a ‘waste of money’ RIGHT HONEY?!”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]          

[Jordan]:  “OH MY GOD.”

[Caitie]:  “And we’re both like – Oh no.  Oh my god. How do we react to this?” 

[Jordan]:  “Fucking savage!  Dammit!”

[Caitie]:  “It really was like a sitcom, like really so overexaggerated like OH  LOOK HOW MUCH FUN YOU’RE HAVING.  We were just like, oh god.  Oh no please.”

[Christina]:  “That’s incredible!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh my god.”

[Caitie]:  “It was really hilarious.”

[Jordan]:  “Do we even need to keep going?  Like – I lost.  I can’t keep going after that, holy shit!”

[Drew]:  “That was fan fucking tastic- like I- the whole time I was like, where is this going?  And it was worth the payoff, so much.  Jordan don’t you dare cut that out.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, I have a special place for this.”

[Caitie]:  “Bloopers McGee.”

[Jordan]:  “Anyway, getting back to the actual-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh yeah, continue.”

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