Episode 13: Hail to the Prince

Not even 2 seconds into the Fey Wild, and already the Agents are pitted against unknown forces. But what secrets do the Fey Wild hold?

Transcript

Hail to the Prince

[[Intro Music Plays followed by Adventuring Music]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED, our special DnD let’s play podcast featuring myself, your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent, dungeon master, Jordan Roman. And as always I am joined by my fellow players.”

[Caitie]: “Hi guys I’m Caitie, and I play Saithe.”

[Christina]:  “Hey everyone, I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “I’m Drew McClain and by the beautiful, boisterous balls of Bahamut I am doctor Arlo Agon.”

[Caitie]:  “Hoo boy…”

[Drew]:  “I meant to think of something ahead of time and then I didn’t! And so I just had to go with it and I went with balls again…”  Chuckles

[Caitie]:  “It just keeps getting worse!”

[[Drew is full on laughing]]

[Jordan]:  “By the end of this, we’re gonna have the most like apt descr- There’s gonna be so much Bahamut testicle fan art I’m not gonna know what to do with it all.”

[Drew]:  “Oh god, I don’t want any of that.”

[Christina]:  “You keep asking for it.”

[Caitie]:  “One of them is gonna involve Granaphor somehow.”

[Drew]: Dejected “We know… we know it will.”

[Jordan]:  “I…ugh!”  

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, ugh.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m… I’m just gonna start the recap now if that’s okay with you guys, ’cause I want none of this intro.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Drew]:  “But what if it’s just like Granaphor as a sensor mark, he’s just like what’re you doing looking at Bahamut’s balls? Bahamut’s Balls are temporary, but Granaphor is eternal.”

[[Jordan snickers and Drew chuckles]]

[Christina]:  “So anyway.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah anyway…  Last time when Terra and Saithe yelled at Arlo and 7 for their actions during the deadly encounter with Ash; while Arlo apologized for, but held firm in his decision, 7 showed no such apathy. On the way back to Silverymoon the Agents and Second Chance contacted a groggy Raiann to inform her that the yuan-ti had been conspiring with Ash to use the election as a front to spread chaos. Their goal was presumably to reclaim the Fang of Merrshaulk, an artifact held within the Grand Archives.  Oh, and they also shared that Ash was actually a dragon. After getting the go ahead to arrest Sisava, an unexpected development occurred.  7 began lashing out violently and ended up being incapacitated by one of Forngal’s mushrooms.  Upon making it back to town, the teams spoke with Nnelg and Niavara, respectively to figure out what had caused 7’s sudden shift in personality.  It appeared as though he had been bit by an artificially enhanced snake and infected with a rare and uncurable disease known as brood poisoning. If left unchecked, he would turn into a brood guard one of the monstrous yuan-ti the groups encountered in the temple that they referred to as snagon. Going off of a rumor of a cure held by the fairy folk, the teams left 7 in Niavara’s hands and set off for the Feywild using a portal that Winterra’s mother was tasked with safeguarding. Shortly upon arrival in the Feywild, Winterra’s sword began to yell:”

[In Morgan’s voice]:  “Stranger danger!!”

[Jordan]:  “And thus we resume our tale. Everyone! Roll initiative.”

[[Adventuring music ends]]

[Drew]:  “Will our heroes survive the Feywild? Will they be able to save their friend? We’ll be able to find out this time on Snagon Ball Z.” 

[Jordan]:  “HAH!”

[Caitie]:  “OH. MY. GOD.”

[Drew]:  “And to punctuate that shit, I rolled a 19 on initiative.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll with disadvantage bitch!”

[Drew]:  “Why??”

[Caitie]:  “I-”

[Jordan]:  Laughs “No, you’re fine.”

[Drew]:  Laughing and feigning complaint “I was like, I never get good initiative!!  I was so upset.” Laughs  

[Caitie]:  “I…I cannot.”

[Christina]: “Nope, but I got a 22.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm, weird, that’s what 7 would’ve rolled.”

[Caitie]:  “I’ve got a 16.” 

[Jordan]:  Surprised “What?!”

[Caitie]:  Sadly “Yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh.  Oh my word.”

[Drew]: Also surprised “Don’t you get like plus 10 or some shit?”

[Caitie]  “Yeah, it’s a- It’s a…it’s a 16.”

[Jordan]:  “OK, wow, eternal shame I suppose.

[[Fast paced violin fight music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “As your sword alerts you all, I need everyone to go ahead and make me a perception check as your assailants have yet to reveal themselves.”

[Drew]:  “I got a dirty 20.”

[Christina]:  “24.”

[Caitie]:  “I got a 23.

[Jordan]:  “Okay, you guys see movement within the bushes. From what you can tell it appears to be a large number of very small creatures, but you can’t quite get like a good glimpse on ‘em, but you do know where they are. Terra! You’re up.”

[Christina]:  “So we see in the bushes…  In what direction are the bushes from where we are?”

[Jordan]:  “They’re kind of like- you’re at like a, in the middle of like a forested path. So you’re kind of just surrounded by shrubbery and wildlife, and it’s kind of just all around you.”

[Caitie]:  “We demand a shrubbery!”.

[Jordan]:  “That’s enough out of you.”

[[Players snicker]]

[Jordan]:  “You don’t get to make jokes yet you rolled low in the initiative order!”

[Caitie]:  “God damn it!” Laughs

[Christina]:  “Um, okay… so Terra is going to kind of get into like a fighting stance, almost? Like more of like a defensive stance I guess. And look over at the bushes and outwardly call to whatever is there stating:”

[Winterra]:  “I know you’re there. We don’t want to fight you, but don’t make us.”

[Unknown high pitched voice, from all directions]:  “No you don’t! Yes, we do! Bring it, bitch!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh no.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh.”

[Jordan]:  “You hear that from all the bushes.”

[Drew]:  “Ruh-roh.”

[Christina]:  “All of the bushes??”

[Jordan]:  “All. Of the bushes.”

[Christina]:  Chuckles “Oh god, why?”

[Caitie]:  “I’m also imagining there’s like a series of like giggles.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m not giggling in that voice, I refuse.”

[Caitie and Drew simultaneously]:  “Do it.”

[Jordan]:  Laughs “No, it hurts my voice just to do the talking. I don’t need that. We have a whole hour ahead of us!”

[Christina]: Amused “So they said: No, we don’t- No, we don’t want to fight them.  Yes, we do want to fight you. Bring it, bitch.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah.”

[Christina]:  Chuckling “Oh Gosh.”

[Winterra]:  “Well, I don’t like them. I don’t like them at all.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, no, these guys are kind of suck.”

[Christina]:  “Cool well…”

[Caitie]:  Offering  “Roar at them.”

[Christina]:  “Haha!  Can I try intimidating them?”

[Jordan]:  “I mean yeah, go ahead and roll it.”

[Christina]:  “14.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm…You hear giggling from inside the bushes, they- they were not intimidated by your measly, not not to be shirked off. It was definitely a ferocious growl. But it also did sound a little bit winded, so…”

[Christina]:  Giggles “Fair enough, she’s been through a bit.”

[Jordan]:  “But also as we’ve determined Terra does not make good animal noises.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Christina]:  Affirmatively  “Nope!”

[Drew]:  “Does Terra like speak animal but with like a terrible human accent?”

[[Jordan and Caitie laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Like when people like, who are from like… Texas and shit know-”

[Jordan]:  Exclaiming “Like fucking what’s his name from ‘Inglorious Bastards’?!”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, like yeah Lieutenant Aldo Raine, Lieutenant Aldo Raine. Bonjourno.”

[Caitie]:  “Thanks, I love it.”

[Drew]:  “It’s still one of my favorite fucking things. This is so great.”

[Jordan]:  “Winterra just goes bark. Bark, bark.”

[[Drew chuckles]]

[Christina]:  Giggles  “Who knows?”

[Caitie]:  “She says- she says Rawr like one of those middle school-”

[Jordan]:  “Oh god no, I respect Terra too much-”

[Drew]:  No.”

[Christina]:  “No, no.”

[Drew]:  “Nooooo. No.”

[Christina]:  “No..no. I don’t like that.”

[Jordan]:  “Vetoed, immediately vetoed.”

[Caitie]:  Chuckles  “Fair enough.”

[Drew]:  “Remember kids, it’s okay to be yourself.  Unless you’re a scene kid.  Then stop it.”

[[All chuckles]]

[Jordan]:  “Do you have anything else you’d like to do Winterra?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah… I am going to cure wounds myself, so I have a little bit more to potentially deal with as far as what I can get hit with.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, go ahead and roll that out.”

[Christina]:  “So one d8 plus my spellcasting modifier.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep. While you’re doing that Arlo you’re up.”

[Drew]:  “Alright.  So I know that like generally, they’re in the bushes.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep. And they want to fight.”

[Drew]:  “They would like to fight…”

[Caitie/Saithe]:  Quietly  “Don’t set the forest on fire…”

[Drew/Arlo]:  “It’s the Fey forest, it doesn’t count, does it?”

[Arlo]:  “Winterra?”

[Winterra]:  “Hm..Does a Fey forest count?  It looks like a normal forest.  So… yes, it still counts.”

[Drew]:  “Well, okay then.”

[Christina]:  “You just get an aggressive-”

[Winterra]:  “Don’t set the forest on fire.”

[Unknown high pitched voice]:  “You wont do it, you’s a bitch!”

[Drew]:  “So Arlo like who is welling up his fire breath thinks, okay maybe not that.  And I’m going to give you guys two guesses as to what Arlo does in the first and the first one doesn’t count.”

[Jordan]:  “Shits.”

[Drew]:  “Good…good try one more.”

[Caitie]:  “Does he set the forest on fire?”

[[All laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Arlos gonna cast a Guiding Bolt.”

[Jordan]:  “Unbereverber.”

[Drew]:  “At second level because…fuck da police.  Wait, we are the police.  Are we the police?”

[Caitie]:  “Uh…I think the FBI, we’re better than the police.”

[Drwe]:  “Yeah!  We’re not beating up minorities.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean, you don’t know what these things are.”

[Caitie]:  “We’re not beating up minorities yet.”

[Drew]:  Laughs  “What the fuck??”

[Jordan]:  “Police brutality is bad, guys don’t…don’t.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, don’t do a police brutality.”  

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so that just hits one target, right?”

[Drew]:  “Just gonna hit one target if I hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Does Guiding- I thought Guiding Bolt just auto hit?”

[Drew]:  “Nah, I mean it gives advantage on hits later. But now I gotta roll an attack roll.  It’s just my one thing that says- that doesn’t say I have to be able to see them.”

[Jordan]:  “Ohhh okay, I remembered that wrong then alright, go ahead and roll.”

[Drew]:  “A 21 to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “I will say this real quick. The particular thing you’re fighting- attack rolls against it are made with disadvantage, so…”

[Drew]:  “Alright that is instead going to be a 16 to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Ooo, wow, you just got it.”

[Drew]: “Haha!”

[Jordan]:  “So it goes into the bush and you see a tiny purple person fly out and smack into a tree. They’re maybe like a couple inches tall- like they are very, very small.  But they are this purple skinned, long eared, white haired little fairy looking thing with a tiny sword on its side that looks like it might be roughly the size of a toothpick.”

[Caitie]:  “Awwww.”

[Fairy]:  “Owww!”

[[Caitie feeling a little bad still chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “Yeah, it really does hurt because they took a… 21 damage.”

[Fairy]:  “Tell my wife and kids…I wish they were real.”

[Jordan]:  “And it like turns to dust.”

[[Christina exclaims in surprise]]

[Drew]:  “Arlo finishes off like shooting off his Guiding Bolt by saying-”

[Arlo]:  “Talk shit get hit. Who else wants some?”

[Fairies, from all around]:  “Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!”

[Jordan]:  “The bushes are like very aggressively doing that and you realize- there is a lot.”

[Drew]:  “Do they aggressively want to die?”

[Jordan]:  “They’re- they’re fey, they kind of just fuck with you.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, fair enough.  That’s my turn.”

[Jordan]:  “All right Saithe. At long last you’re up.”

[Caitie]:  “Hm…hm…let’s see…  I’m gonna walk like 10 feet to the- the bush in front of me.”

[Jordan]:  “Kay…”

[Caitie]:  “And I’m going to cast Arms of Hadar.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay! Read me the language if you would please.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, you invoke the Power of Hadar, The Dark Hunger, a hunger, tendrils of Dark Energy erupt from you, and batter all creatures within 10 feet of you. Each creature in that area must make a strength saving throw. On a failed save, the target takes 2d6 necrotic damage and can’t take reactions until its next turn.  On a successful save, the creature takes half damage and suffers no other effect.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm… Alright real quick, let me see exactly how many of these things you managed to snag. What’s your spell save DC?”

[Caitie]:  “14.”

[Jordan]:  “All but one of them fail.  And you hit four in total, so roll your damage for them. One is going to take half damage.”

[Caitie]:  “All right, the first of them takes 11.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s all the same damage.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah so 11 and then the other one will take I guess…like 5.”

[Jordan]:  “Yep, you see three more pop out onto trees and they also turn to dust.”

[Caitie]:  “Noice.”

[Jordan]:  “And then one just goes-”

[Fairy]:  “Harder daddy!”

[Caitie]:  “Oh. Oh no.”

[Drew]:  “Gross.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh God.”

[Drew]:  “I hate it.”

[Caitie]: “Oh, Jesus.”

[Jordan]:  “Good.”

[Drew]:  “Hey Jordan, hey Jordan.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah?”

[Drew]:  “So counterpoint and follow me on this one, absolutely not.”

[Jordan]:  “Um counter-counter point. I’m the DM. Go fuck yourself.”

[[Drew chuckles]]

[Christina]:  “So…next up…”

[Jordan]:  “Maybe kill them faster.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh so next up is Rhelynn. After-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh, you know what! Can I take like one more action to throw up my hood and hide in the now empty bush?”

[Jordan]:  “Two things, one it’s not empty, one survived if you recall.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh right, yeah…”

[Jordan]:  “Two, you may not throw up your hood; however, you can still take a bonus action to hide because of your- I forget what it’s called for rogues, but I know you have a thing where you can do that.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “So you may do that, but I will say that role would be with disadvantage if you choose to hide in that bush, because again, one is still in there.”

[Drew]:  “Oh the, the rogue skill in question is called Sneaky Feetsies.”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t think that’s it.”

[Caitie]:  “Sneaky feetsies…”

[Drew]: Quickly “Welp, none of us know, and that’s the only- that’s the only information out there so…”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, it’s not like I have a Player’s Handbook right here.”

[Caitie]:  “Maybe not the book er- maybe not the bush, but like a nearby tree.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, that’s fine.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright proceed, I’m good.”

[Jordan]:  “What was your role?”

[Caitie]:  “Oh!  Do I really even have to roll for stealth?”

[Jordan]:  “If you tank, I might be able to catch you, so yes.”

[Christina]:  Laughing  “It’s like that meme of the Adulting as a DM.  I gotta be honest.”

[Caitie]:  “36!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, fine, you’re good. Don’t talk back to me, young lady!”

[[Christina and Caitie giggle]]

[Caitie]: “I can’t tank right now. My stealth is a plus 20!”

[Jordan]:  “You absolutely can! You roll low enough I can catch you!”

[Caitie]:  “How do I tank at a plus 20?!”

[Drew]:  “How was your stuff a plus 20?! What is happening with this world?”

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Christina]:  “Even on a 1 that’s a 21, it’s still really good.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so now it is Rhleynn’s turn.  And she is going to face one of the other bushes and say-”

[Rhelynn]:  “I do not. Have time. For this.  STUPID PLACE!”

[Jordan]:  “And she is going to puff up her chest and make a cold breath attack. Let me see how many she can get.  Oh also four, interesting. Alright, so since she is doing that, they need to make dexterity saving throws, which is not going to go great. I’ll tell you that right now. Okay, cool. She gets two of them.  And it’s going to be for…8 cold damage and you just hear them all like say-”

[Fairies]:  “Ahhhhh!”

[Jordan]:  “But you do not see any fly out and become dust. And then from all the bushes you kind of hear-”

[Fairies]:  Cheerily  “Okay!”  Scarily from all around  “OUR. TURN.”

[Jordan]:  “And from the bushes  you see a grand total of 16 of these little fuckers come out.”

[Winterra]:  “Of course.”

[Jordan]:  “And they’re going to charge at everyone but Saithe. Who has managed to disappear from existence yet again.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Caitie]:  “I’m very sneaky.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay..so. Since there are four visible targets and 16 of them it’s going to be just four, each.  And we’ll start with Terra ’cause you’re at the top of the order, so it’s just easier going that order.”

[Christina]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, that’s a miss, second one hits. Does a 16 hit?”

[Christina]:  “Nope.”

[Jordan]:  “Aaand does an 18 hit?”

[Christina]: “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so two hit you, so that’s going to be a grand total of 16 piercing damage.”

[Christina]:  Under her breath “Holy-wooooah.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Arlo is next…”  Rolls  “That’s gonna hit.”

[Drew]:  “Make that first one do a dex save for me, ’cause of my hellish rebuke shield.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, I’ll just take the second attack roll and use that.  How’s a 23 do”

[Drew]:  “That’ll save, but it’s still taking half damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright.”

[Drew]:  “So it’s 10 damage halved to 5.”

[Jordan]:  “Call high-low for me.”

[Drew]:  “…Low.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, no, that was a fresh one.”

[Drew]:  “Whack.”

[Jordan]:  “Sorry it rolled high.  It’s still gonna take the five damage though.”

[Drew]:  “Fair enough.”

[Jordan]:  “Does 16 hit you?”

[Drew]:  “Ah, nope!”

[Jordan]:  “Does 18 hit you?”

[Drew]:  “Nope.”

[Jordan]:  “Well that definitely doesn’t hit. Alright, so you get hit once, so you get 8 damage.”

[Arlo]:  Feigning pain  “Ugh.”

[Caitie]:  “Nice sound effect.”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you for moaning. I hate it.”

[[Drew makes a more pronounced moaning sound]]

[Jordan]:  Ignoring him “Rhelynn’s up. That’s gonna miss… That’s gonna miss.  That’s… just gonna hit, that’s gonna miss… Alright, she’s not looking great. How’s Forngal looking?  Oh, hm.  That’s gonna hit, that’s gonna hit…Hm, bad day for Forngal.  Forngal’s down.”

[Caitie]:  “Jesus!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, they all hit him.  Forngal did not do great.”

[Drew]:  “You gotta protect our Forney Boy.”

[Jordan]:  “Always protect the Forney Boy. Damn shame, he was next.  And they all just start maniacally laughing as they just zoom around upsettingly quickly I might add. Back up top of the order that is going to be Winterra.  Actually hold on one second. I just realized there was something I meant to do real quick…Never mind keep going!”

[Christina]:  “Do any of them look like they have more… like fairies around them, than any others?”

[Jordan]:  “Like large clusters of them?”

[Christina]:  “Correct.”

[Jordan]:  “Let’s see how many you can get in a cluster…”  Rolls  “Oh wow, um you can get most of them with whatever thing you’re doing.”

[Caitie]:  “Get them!”

[Christina]:  “So the thing was I’m going to target a specific creature with Ice Knife, and then there’s exploding ice that the rest of them have to deal with.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay!”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so it’s a ranged spell attack for the ice knife, so let me see…”

[Jordan]:  “Roll with disadvantage.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  23 and 21.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, hits.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so the ice knife will hit the person and it’s one d10 of piercing damage which is 9 piercing damage.”

[Jordan]:  “He looks very, very bad, ‘bout to look a lot worse.”

[Christina]:  “And then that shard explodes and the target and each creature within 5 feet of that point where the ice exploded must succeed on a dex saving throw or take two d6 cold damage.”

[Jordan]:  “That one’s good…That one’s good… Good…good…”  Chuckles “God damn they’re rolling fucking amazing!  You got two of ‘em.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, well they take 10 cold damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, they are dead.”

[Christina]:  “Cool.”

[Caitie]:  “Suckers!”

[Jordan]:  “And for prosperity’s sake I’ll go ahead and say the one that stabbed since they have an exploding knife in it. It’s 1 remaining hit point is also gone. So…”

[Christina]:  Chuckles “Okay!”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll go ahead and give you the freebie on that one.”

[Christina]:  “Cool.”

[Jordan]:  “But you also notice that every- all the ones that did dodge just fine they danced around the exploding ice as if it was fucking nothing.”

[Caitie]:  “Rude.”

[Jordan]:  “That it for you?”

[Christina]: “Yeah, I think that’s everything that I can do…”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo you’re up.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, I’m going to you know- free object interaction. Take them nunchucks out and stow my shield.  And kind of dive into the fray of fairies.”

[Jordan]:  “Off in the material plane Raiann weeps a single tear, but doesn’t know why.”

[[Christina and Drew chuckle]]

[Drew]:  “I just imagine she’s in the middle of like an important meeting like: So what we need to do for these trade deals- like Ma’am are you OK? What?”

[Jordan as Raiann]:  “I don’t know, but I feel proud for some reason.  Continue please I’m sorry minister.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll your chucks.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, so it’s gonna be a 15.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s gonna miss.”

[Drew]:  “Damn. Second one 19.”

[Jordan]:  “That’s gonna hit.”

[Drew]:  “And third one is a… 23.”

[Jordan]:  “Somehow misses don’t know why.”

[Drew]:  Chuckles  “That would be the most bullshit.”

[Jordan]:  “Weird, it’s like their AC changes- no that’d be stupid.  Yeah no, the last two hit.”

[Drew]:  “First one is gonna be 10 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, the first one is dead.”

[Caitie]:  “Get it!”

[Drew]:  “Second one…7 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Call high-low.”

[Drew]:  “…Low.”

[Jordan]:  “No, that was a healthy one.”

[Drew]:  “Damn.”

[Jordan]:  “Though there are now less healthy ones.”

[Drew]:  “Yaaaay.”

[Jordan]:  “All right, that it for you?”

[Drew]:  “Yep, that’s my turn.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Saithe, you’re up.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna sneak around and-  I have a question?”

[Jordan]:  “..kay?”

[Caitie]:  “So you know how the mini that Drew made of Saithe has a dagger in her tail?”

[Drew]:  “Oh, God.”

[Jordan]:  “Caitie, given the innumerable amounts of tail related bullshit you’ve done throughout the campaign. Yes, your tail can hold a fucking dagger.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m going to put a dagger in my tail and I’m gonna hold my shortsword and I’m gonna try to sneak to a point where I can grab two of the little bastards and shank them from behind.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so you want to try and do two separate attacks?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “OK, in both instances it is a sneak attack, so you are- well, it’s a surprise attack. The first one will get sneak attack damage, the second one will not. Both would be rolled with advantage however, since these things inherently have disadvantage rolled against them, which I am now realizing I forgot to impose on Arlo, but the damage is done, so we’ll ignore that for now.”

[Drew]:  “Neat.”

[Jordan]:  “It just rolls standard, so go ahead and roll your 2 attacks.”

[Caitie]:  “27.”

[Jordan]:  “Hits.”

[Caitie]:  “The 2nd…Is 19 and actually that 27 I have to double it so it’s actually a 36. The second one is 19.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m gonna need to ask you how you doubled that?”

[Caitie]:  “My stealth is double proficiency.”

[Jordan]:  “It’s still an attack roll dawg.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay, fair enough.  No, mine is just 27 on the first one.”

[Jordan]:  Messing with Caitie “God, you fucking cheater. Yeah no they both hit.”

[Caitie]:  “Get fucked.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright so the first one you roll standard damage and then add your sneak attack damage to- which I think for you is 2d6. So go ahead and roll your additional 2d6 plus you said it was a short sword so roll 3d6.” 

[Caitie]:  “M’kay.”

[Jordan]:  “If you don’t kill this thing eternel shame on you forever.”

[Caitie]:  “14”

[Jordan]:  “It’s dead.  And roll the second one just the pure damage die. You said it was a dagger so that’s just roll a d4.”

[Caitie]:  “3.”

[Jordan]:  “Call high-low.”

[Caitie]:  “High.”

[Jordan]:  “Holy shit that’s a nat20.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Jordan]:  “That was definitely one of the weak ones. You kill him too.”

[Christina]:  “Nice!”

[Caitie]:  “Good.”

[Drew]:  “Does he also say something embarrassing as he dies because- to honor the nat20?”

[Fairy]:  “Ahhh, right in the peepee!”

[[Record scratch]]

[[All laugh, Drew continuing to laugh through this next scene]]

[Caitie]:  “Um.”

[Christina]:  Deadpan  “No. Mmm…I don’t like that.”

[Jordan]:  “I honor the requests. Whether I should or not is irrelevant.

[Christina]:  Shudders  “God why?”

[Caitie/Saithe]:  Doubling down  “I grabbed and I twisted.”

[Drew]:  Laughing and reiterating  “Right in the peepee!!”

[Christina]:  Snickers  “Oh no…”

[Jordan]:  “Welcome to the Feywild motherfuckers!”

[Caitie]:  “Your girl grabbed and then she twisted.”

[Jordan]:  “Mm.  Awful.”

[[Previous fast violin music resumes]]

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so next up is Rhelynn’s turn. She is going to- let me make sure she’s still got slots for this… Yes! She is going to cast Mass Healing Word so everyone gets- oh hot damn she maxed out on that very good Rhelynn- everyone gets an additional 7 points of HP back, which also means Forngal is back up.”

[Caitie]:  “Do I add that as additional HP like temporary HP?”

[Jordan]:  “No, super not.”

[Saithe]:  “Okay, I’m already at full health, so…”

[Jordan]:  “Well, aren’t we lucky. Rhelynn says-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Well I think that’s about half of them, so we should be good!”

[Jordan]:  “And you hear the creatures go.”

[Fairies]:  “Guess again dumbfuck!”

[Jordan]:  “And they’re all going to charge you now that everyone is visible, everyone just gets two of them per.”

[Christina]:  “Whew!”

[Jordan]:  “There’s only 10 now. You guys have managed to reduce their numbers by half, which I’ll let that sink in real quick. Okay, Winterra…does a 17 hit?”

[Christina]:  “Meets.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m so sorry then.  I really hope that heal did a lot for you because you are taking 16 damage.”

[Christina]:  “I’m still up, but barely.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool! Next up Arlo’s damage.  Wow, they rolled absolute dogshit you are fine.”

[Drew]:  “Hahaha!”

[Christina]:  “Can Terra just get like swiped with fairy wings and she looks over and sees Arlo just like dodging nimbly. Or just like having shitty fairies hit him be like-”

[Winterra]:  “Can I get the ones that are hitting you instead?”

[Jordan]:  “The ones that are attacking Arlo are like-”

[Fairies]:  “We’re trying our best damn you!”

[Caitie]:  “Aww, you made them feel bad.”

[Arlo]:  “Hey, you guys need to do better than your best. You need to do good enough.”

[Fairy]:  “Suck my pee pee!”

[Arlo]:  “I’ll bite it right off.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Saithe, I apologize. You are super not at full health anymore.”

[Caitie]:  “That’s okay.”

[Jordan]:  “You got crit on.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh shit.”

[Jordan]:  “And they both super hit. So you are going to take 24 points of piercing damage halved to 12.”

[Caitie]:  “Perfect I was about- I was about to say I have piercing resistance so that works.”

[Jordan]:  “No, I know, I know, I remember.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m… alright, can I use hellish rebuke?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh for sure.”

[Caitie]:  “Hella.”

[Jordan]:  “One of them eats all of it. I’ll just say he’s dead.”

[Saithe]:  “Take that bitch.”

[Jordan]:  “The other one is perfectly fine. Alright, and then Rhelynn’s turn…Oh yeah, no, that’s they’re both gonna hit. She’s down, let’s see how Forngal do, he did so well the first time I’m sure this will go great with seven HP.  Forngal’s down.”

[Caitie]:  “Course he is.”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, that’s about right.”

[Jordan]:  “Second Chance is having a time and a half on this particular mission.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah no they are- god.”

[Drew]:  “I mean, maybe they’ll get some kind of other chance later on.”

[[Christina snickers]]

[Drew]:  “Like a like, not the first chance, but like… Like what would you call a chance that would come after the first chance that you got? Like I can’t. I’m drawing a complete blank.”

[Christina]:  Amused  “I hate you so much right now.”

[Jordan]:  “I would call this the- I’m going to do the thing I did with the these creatures last time and see if maybe something not sucky happens to you guys. Yeah, unfortunately, still nothing happens there.  Backup to the top of the list is Terra.”

[Christina]:  “I guess I’m gonna hit him… with another ice knife.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll your ice knife with disadvantage.”

[Christina]:  “Oh, I wish that wasn’t with disadvantage…”

[Jordan]:  “Sorry, that’s their thing. I’m not making this stat up it’s-”

[Christina]:  Exclaiming loudly “Oh my god, I’m not fucking kidding you. I just rolled 2 Nat 20s in a row!!!”

[[Theme song plays]]

[Drew]:  “Oh fuck!!!”

[Caitie]:  “OHHH NOOOO!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh. My. God.”

[Christina]:  “OH MY GOD!!”

[Jordan]:  “So whichever one you stick it in is hella dead.”

[[Christina laughs with glee]]

[Jordan]:  “And I’m going to do you a solid on that one for that double Nat 20 ’cause that shit needs to be rewarded!”

[Christina]:  “Holy shit!!”

[Jordan]:  “This will be treated as a standard dexterity saving throw skill, where even if they dodge they still take half damage, which will also override their innate evasion ability, which would normally ignore that.”

[Caitie/Saithe]:   “Get iiiiiit!!!”

[Jordan]:  “And also I’m going to roll for all of them so…”

[Caitie]:  “Get wrecked bitches!!”

[Christina]:  Laughs gleefully “Oh my gosh!”

[Jordan]:  “Fucking clutch, holy shit. Roll your damage.”

[Christina]:  “Six. Wait no wait, wait, wait, you said with- how does the… How does critical work for like rolled to hit on a dexterity saving-?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, right, right right. OK, so the way that critical damage works is you take whatever the maximum- like what’s the die that you roll for the exploding ice damage?”

[Christina]: “2d6

[Jordan]:  “Okay.”  Pauses  “OH!”

[Drew]:  “Oh, damn.”

[Jordan]:  “So the total you can roll with those it’s 12, so you just get to add 12 onto your damage.”

[Christina]:  “Oh so 18.”

[Caitie]:  “Fuck!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh! That changes a lot.  So Winterra as you throw this knife it bisects one of them perfectly down the middle and then the ensuing frosty explosion decimates all of the other ones as they look on in horror frozen shards raining through them.”

[Fairies]:  “Noooo!!!”

[Winterra]:  “ROOOOARR!”

[Jordan]:  “As they are all cleared.”

[Caitie]:  “Nice!”

[Drew]:  “Awesome.”

[Jordan]:  “All, save for one.  It was like-”

[Last Fairy]:  “Oh.  Didn’t expect that one.  Nice shot!”

[Winterra]:  Laughs, then flatly “Thanks.”

[Last Fairy]:  “Hm…not quite sure what to do with this-”

[Jordan]:  “And he looks over at Forngal and says-”

[Last Fairy]:  “Oh my fucking god.”

[[Lighthearted mysterious flute music plays]]

[Last Fairy]:  “We almost killed the Prince.”

[Arlo]:  “Are. You-”

[Saithe]:  “I’m sorry what?!?!” 

[Arlo]:  “-Fucking. Serious.”

[Winterra]:  “What.  The. Fuck???!”

[Last Fairy]:  “Hm…gonna have to fix that one!”

[Jordan]:  “And he snaps his fingers, and magic dust rains down on all of you.  And you all feel the effects of a long rest.”

[Drew]:  “Hell yeah!”

[Christina/Winterra]: Laughs in disbelief  “Forngal’s a fucking Prince of the Feywild!!?  When was he going to mention this??”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, you’ll find out a hot second.”

[Drew]:  “Is it bad that I’m more excited about the free long rest?”

[[All chuckle]]

[Jordan]:  “Considering you guys forgot to rest before the fight? So Rhelynn and Second Chance both get up. Rhelynn’s the first to speak she’s like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Oh God.  Am I dead or did we win?”

[Saithe]:  “We won. You’re okay.”

[Rhelynn]:  “Okay, cool.”

[Jordan]:  “And then the little creature goes over to Forngal and bows and says-”

[Last Fairy]:  “Hello my Prince. It is good to see you again.”

[Forngal]:  “Oh hey, little buddy.  Haven’t heard that name in awhile.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah, when were you gonna tell us about this?”

[Forngal]:  “What, about my old nickname?”

[[Winterra sighs]]

[Saithe]:  “I’m confused.”

[Arlo]:  “Forngal…do you think that being a Prince is a nickname?”

[Forngal]:  “Well, a lot of people would call me Prince when I was a kid. I assumed it was just a joke.”

[Arlo]:  Breathes in deeply  “I-”

[Winterra]:  “Forngal who are your parents?”

[Forngal]:  “Oh um, let’s see I, I just called them mom and dad, but I’m pretty sure other people called ‘em Robolete and Russulara?”

[Arlo]:  “Now-”

[Jordan]:  “And the little creatures says-”

[Last Fairy]:  “Yes!  They are the King and Queen of the Mushroom Forest known as the Swamplands.”

[[Winterra sighs again]]

[Forngal]:  “Hey, that’s my home!”

[Christina]:  “Terra just puts her head in her hands and sighs so deeply.”

[Winterra]:  “Of course.”

[Last Fairy]:  “I’m sure your parents would love to see you again. It’s just down the road.”

[Forngal]:  “Oh cool, I haven’t been home in awhile! You guys want to come meet my folks?”

[Winterra]:  “Sure! You guys have met mine.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah, actually let’s uh…yes!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo has just silently resigned himself to everything that keeps happening to him.  Arlo’s just sitting there in the background going-”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, sure, whatever. But you know, I mean, why not? Why is it? Why? Why not he’d be a Prince? Why not this be going on, why?”

[[Christina giggles]]

[Jordan]:  “You guys look over at Rhelynn and her jaw is borderline on the ground.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is gonna like- she’s gonna pat Arlo on the back with her hand and Rhelynn on the back with her tail just like.-”

[Saithe]:  “It’s okay guys.”

[Rhelynn]:  “What is this day?  One of my friends is turning into a snake man and potentially dying, the other one it turns out is a Fey Prince and never told me ’cause he was too stupid to know.”

[Saithe]:  “And you’re captain of it all!”

[Rhelynn]:  “It’s like I don’t even know them.  Is this what adventures are like for you guys? Because it’s never been this crazy for me.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah, more or less.”

[Rhelynn]:  “Remind me to never go on an assignment with you guys again, no offense.”

[[Christina is laughing]]

[Saithe]:  “No that’s fair!”

[[Music shifts to a swampy/jungly drum beat]]

[Jordan]:  “So you guys wandered down the pathway with Forngal and this little purple creature. As you do you notice that mushrooms begin to take up nearly all of the trees until eventually there are no trees and it’s just among the most wild and exotic mushrooms you all have ever seen in your lives.”   

[Saithe]:  “That explains a lot!”

[Drew]:  “Well Jordan, along this path. Do we have like a lot of space to move around or do we not have mush-room?”

[[Caitie groans in displeasure]]

[Jordan]:  “Take d10 psychic damage.”

[Drew]:  Laughs “I regret nothing.”

[Jordan]:  “Good.”

[Winterra]:  “Hey Forngal, how did you manage to grow up in the Feywild and end up in the material plane?”

[Jordan]:  “Forngal kind of thinks about that one for a second.  Like a very, very long second.  He’s like-”

[Forngal]:  “Oh yeah, I guess I did grow up in the Feywild, didn’t I?  Honestly, I have no idea.  Like I just- I went out for a walk one day.  And then I saw this dragon turtle, he was like, hey, you want a job and I was like I guess.”

[Winterra]:  “Well, that’s pretty cool I guess.”

[Forngal]:  “Yeah. Wow I’m from the Fey.  That’s wild.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Jordan]:  “No pun intended.”

[Christina]:  Still laughing  “I can’t.”  

** Transcript note:  Christina LOVES puns.

[Drew]:  “I feel like all the puns were intended.”

[Jordan]:  “Drew, you know me it was not intended.”

[[Drew joins Christina’s laughs with a chuckle]]

[Caitie]:  “Oh, I can’t-”

[Jordan]:  “Not these ones anyway.”

[Caitie]:  “I… it’s too much pun.”

[Christina]:  “I love it.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, just wait.”

[Drew]:  “We’re reaching critical pun mass.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, you have no idea what I’m about to do to you fuckers.”

[Saithe]:  “I also have a question.”

[Forngal]:  “Yeah, what’s up?”

[Saithe]:  “It’s more for the little purple guy.”

[Last Fairy]:  “Oh, what’s up?”

[Saithe]:  “What was with all the murdery stuff back there?”

[Last fairy]:  “I ‘unno.”

[Saithe]:  “You guys just like to murder visitors to the Feywild?”

[Last Fairy]:  “I mean, we didn’t recognize you, we thought- Oh, they must be coming in to, to mess with our stuff we’re like, mmm nope none of that.”

[Winterra]:  “I get it. My family eats people’s knees if they burn the forest down.”

[Last Fairy]:  “Ooh, that’s a fun idea.”

[Winterra]:  “Mhm!”

[Saithe]:  “Remind me to apologize to your parents again!”

[Last Fairy]:  “Mine or the Prince’s?”

[Saithe]:  “Hers.  I accidentally almost set the forest on fire.”

[Last Fairy]:  “Oh, that’s a bad. Don’t do that.”

[Winterra]:  Deadpan  “Yeah, don’t do that.”

[[Jordan and Caitie chuckle]]

[Caitie]:  “I’m imagining she’s looking like daggers at Saithe right now.”

[[Christina and Drew giggle]]

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way through here and once you get past all the like forested mushroom you come across this large opening and imagine the home of the gorillas in like ‘Disney’s Tarzan,’ where like you just see this opening, but all the trees still extend upwards.  And that kind of makes up the homes only instead- it’s mushrooms.  And there’s sort of like a sunset glow coming in through the shrooms and eventually you see this one little bi-pedal sentient mushroom person walk up and Forngal knows him like-”

[Forngal]:  “Oh!  Bartruffle is that you?  Come here, Bart!”

[Jordan]:  “And the little thing runs up to him and it starts like squeaking.  It is completely unlike- you cannot comprehend what the fuck this thing is doing, saying who the fuck knows but Forngal is fucking happy to see as he referred to it- Bart.”

[Winterra]:  “Hm…”

[Drew]:  “Bartruffle…”

[Christina]:  “It’s not speaking Sylvan, is it?”

[Drew]:  Repeating  “Bar-truffle…”

[Jordan]:  “Nope!”

[Christina]:  “Interesting.”

[Forngal]:  “Hey guys, I’d like you meet my little brother, Bartruffle! We call him Bart.”

[Arlo]:  “You know what, no,  I’m not even gonna ask.”

[Rhelynn]:  “I am! Is your brother a… mushroom?”

[Forngal]:  “Yeah, why wouldn’t he be?”

[Arlo]:  “You see what- you see what, you see what happens? You see what asking gotcha? Gotcha nowhere.”

[Rhelynn]:  “I know, but I…It’s just so…”  Sighs  “You think I’d be used to this, but this is all new for me.”

[Saithe]:  “There’s no getting used to this life.”

[Rhelynn]:  “Apparently.  At risk of just digging a deeper hole, something I’m very used to… Do you believe you’re related to mushrooms?”

[Jordan]:  “And Forngal with absolute certainty in his eyes, looks at all of you and says-”

[Forngal]:  “Well yeah, I’m a myconid.”

[[Drew gasps in realization]]

[Jordan]:  “And you could all very clearly tell by looking at him.  He is not.”

[Drew]:  A little horrified  “Oh…”

[Saithe]:  “I thought you were a shifter.”

[Forngal]:  “Yeah, I can turn into like a beast form, which is what I’m in now.  But my real form is more mushroomy.  I only turn into it when I absolutely have to.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, that checks out and none of us need to dig into that any further, lest, um, you know, hypothetically. Someone have some, some childhood stuff that they need to discuss with their parents and only their parents.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo like, looks very accusatory at everybody like don’t fucking press it.”

[Jordan]:  “Rhelynn looks at you like,”

[Rhelynn]:  “I don’t know why you think talking to anyone’s parents is gonna help anyone in this situation.”

[Saithe]:  “I just guess we just gotta-”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe pulls down her mask.”

[Saithe]:  “Grin and bear it!”

[Rhelynn]:  “I will bury you alive.”

[[Drew and Caitie laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “You guys can tell Rhelynn is 120% done with all of this.”

[Forngal]:  “Come on guys, I want to actually introduce you to my folks. I think you’d like ‘em.”

[Winterra]:  “Okay!”

[Jordan]:  “And so as you guys go along, you see more mushroom people, or as you now know them to be mycodin er myconid, sorry.  Start coming out of the woodworks, or, I guess, shroomworks.  And Forngal is just super happy to see all of them like-”

[Forngal]:  “Oh hey, Moreltha good to see you. Chanterelle what’s up my bro?”

[Jordan]:  “And just he does this constantly the whole way through.  Until eventually you come across the only tree within this entire mushroom filled forest.  But growing out of the tree is this one ginormous mushroom.  And it begins to sort of like shake and you can hear a low growl come from it. Forngal’s like-”

[Forngal]:  “Hey dad! Good to see you again!  Guys I’d like you to meet my dad- Robolete. We just call him Bob.”

[Arlo]:  “I honestly don’t know what I expected.”

[Jordan]:  “The mushroom begins to shake again and Forngal’s like-”

[Forngal]:  “What?  Oh no, I didn’t.  Yeah, that now you say it probably would be a good idea. Alright, so my dad says he wants me to give you guys the hearing.”

[Arlo]:  “Que?”.

[Saithe]:  “Uh…okay?”

[Forngal]:  “Alright, well I’m glad you agreed to it. Come on Saithe!”

[Arlo]:  “Wait, what?”

[Jordan]:  “And he motions you forward.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah? Saithe goes along with it.”

[Forngal]:  “Okay, now for this to work I need you to close your eyes and listen to the Voice of the Woods, okay?”

[Saithe]:  “Uh…yeah, o-okay?”

[Jordan]:  “Do you do this?”

[Saithe]:  “Yep.”

[Jordan]:  “So here’s what the rest of you see as Saithe closes her eyes and inexplicably trusts Forngal.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Caitie]:  “He’s given me no reason not to.”

[Jordan]:  “Give it a second.”

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “So- Forngal takes his two index fingers.  Sticks them in his mouth.  Pulls out dripping wet fingers.”

[Caitie]:  Alarmed “No!!”

[Drew]:  “Noooo.”

[Jordan]:  “And says-”

[Forngal]:  “By the voice of the forest I compel you! Receive the hearing!”

[Jordan]:  “And jams them in your ears!”

[[All players vocalize in disgust]]

[Jordan]:  “It is the grossest feeling you have ever experienced in your life.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe uses her tail to spring backward.”

[Jordan]:  “As you jump back, you feel- it almost feels like there’s wiggling in your ears.

[Caitie]:  “Uck!”

[Jordan]:  “But then- from the giant mushroom in the tree, that Forngal referred to as his father. You and only you hear-”.

[King Bob]:  “Well hello there, little lady. It’s nice to see you.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is gonna look up in visible awe.”  

[King Bob]:  “I hope you’re having a hunky dory day. Do you think you can get your little friends there to do the same thing? I’m not so sure if they’d be wanting to go along with it. I know you material plane folk are always so uppity about these kinds of things.”

[Saithe]:  “The mushroom is talking.”

[[Christina laughs]]

[Forngal]:  “Well, yeah, he’s always been talking.”

[Saithe]:  “I-”

[Arlo]:  “Forngal did you dose Saithe?”

[Forngal]:  “No, I gave her the hearing. Who’s next?”

[Jordan]:  “Rhelynn steps forward dejectedly she’s like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Fine, let’s just get this over with.”

[Jordan]:  “And as he does Rhelynn’s like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Oh my God, that’s the worst feeling in the-”

[Jordan]:  “Looks up at the mushrooms like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Oh…  Oh gods.”

[Saithe]: “Yep!”

[Rhelynn]:  “Arlo, Winterra, please just get this over with. I need to leave.”

[Christina]:  “Terra goes forward. She’s- she’s just like-”

[Winterra]:  “Eh, I’ve seen weirder.”

[Forngal]:  “I don’t think it’s that weird.”

[Jordan]:  “And he does the same thing to you, and you can now also hear Bob.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo?”

[Arlo]:  “Is there a way to do this when you don’t give me a wet willy?”

[Forngal]:  “What’s a wet willy?”

[Arlo]:  “You know what, you know what- fine. Just do it, just do it. Do it to it.”

[[Players laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Arlo’s doing stretches and squats and shit.”

[Arlo]:  “I don’t give a shit, let’s do it. Let’s do this shit.”

[Drew]:  “Like- like someone who’s about to like, like you know jump off of a cliff into a lake.  Like that- like that kind of like you know what? Fuck it let’s get let’s go for it. If we- if I die, die.”.

[Jordan]:  “Now I can’t tell… I can’t tell how dark that was supposed to sound, but it sounded very dark.”

[Drew]:  “Like when, like when you’re a kid and like your friends challenge you do something that’s like…definitely dangerous, but like two people already have done it and like they’re okay. So now you like don’t have an argument ’cause you’re like 12 and you don’t know how to formulate that kind of shit.”

[Jordan]:  “Fair, okay.  So yeah it happens to you as well. And now all of you can hear not just Bob, but all of the Myconid.”

[King Bob]:  “So what brings you happy folk over to the forest?”

[Saithe]:  “Well, to get straight to the point sir, your Highness..uh…”

[King Bob]:  “Oh no please. Bob is fine. I don’t need all that silly formality and hooha and all that.” 

[Saithe]:  A bit flustered  “Bob…One of our friends has been poisoned with the brood poisoning.”

[King Bob]:  “Ooh well, that’s no good at all.  Hey Forngy, what’s a- what’s brood poisoning?”

[Forngal]:  “He’s turning into a snake guy.”

[King Bob]:  “Whoo, that’s no good.”

[Saithe]:  “We heard there might be a cure here.”

[King Bob]:  “Hm…Well, I mean not here in the- in the Swamplands necessarily, but that does sound like something that good old Lady Titania might be able to handle over in the Summer Court.  Now unfortunately, you guys aren’t anywhere near there. You’re- you’re currently hanging with your old buddy Bob here in- in the Fall Court so I think, if you want my humble opinion and you know you young folk can do whatever you want. I think it might be a good idea for you to head over to the Fall Court proper and speak with Prince Hysam. Now Forngy, you remember Hyrsam?”

[Forngal]:  “Oh yeah.  He was awesome.”

[King Bob]:  “He actually is one of those Fall Eladrin type. There’s a lot of people like that over in the Fall Court proper. If you just tell him you need to go speak to little old Lady Titania I’m sure he’d be more than happy to bring you over to the Summer Court. Now, the only thing about that is he’s a little bit of a…well, he’s a silly little lad, uh, so you’re probably gonna have to play a little game with him or something. But once you do that, I think you should be fine and he’ll be more than happy to help you. Now he’s a fine young lad.”

[Winterra]:  “What kind of game?”

[King Bob]:  “That kinda depends on what he feels like doing. I know Forngy here used to play all sorts of fun games with him.”

[Forngal]:  “Yeah, they were pretty wild.  I remember I used to play a lot of tag with him. That was fun.”

[Saithe]:  “Please tell me that all we have to do is play tag.”

[Forngal]:  “I’m mean probably-”

[Arlo]:  “Wait, wait wait. Forngal.

[Forngal]:  “Yeah?”

[Arlo]:  “Describe the game of tag as you understand it.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Forngal]:  “Uh, well, one person is it.  And then, one of them tries to catch the other person.  I don’t remember which one ‘it’ is, whether he’s the catcher or the runner.  But you’re basically chasing someone.”

[Arlo]:  “And there’s no other twists on it. There’s nothing you’re going to be like, Oh yeah, I forgot, you know, we play tags with knives.”

[Forngal]:  “No that…why would you do that?”

[Arlo]:  “I just, I just-”

[Forngal]:  “Did you grow up with 7?” 

[Arlo]:  “You know what, it’s a solid zing.  Solid zing my man.”

[Drew]:  “And he goes up for a high five.”

[Forngal]:  “What’s a zing?”

[Drew]:  “He retracts the high five.”

[[Drew and Jordan laugh]]

[Christina]:  “Terra pops her head quizzically.”

[Winterra]:  “What is… a zing?”

[Drew]:  “The high five is now a hand on the bridge of his nose.”

[Saithe]:  “We’ll explain later. We should get moving.”

[Jordan]:  “Rhelynn pipes up-”

[Rhelynn]:  “Please.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh wait, wait.  Before we go.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yeah, what’s the- the, the fairy guy that we met what’s his name? I don’t think we ever got his name.”

[Christina]:  “Bob? Or the purple one?”

[Drew]:  “Purple dude.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no. I know who you mean.”

[Last Fairy]:  “Ah, I’m-  The name is Portabenjamin”.

[Arlo]:  “Hey Portabenjamin over here, uh tried to kill us and your son.”

[King Bob]:  “Well, that’s just no good at all, now is it?”

[Portabenjamin]:  “Sorry.”

[Arlo]:  “That… that it?”

[King Bob]:  “Well, I mean he apologized, what more do you want?”

[Arlo]:  “You know that… that- that’s just as fair as anything else going on in this new land today. I’m still learning your ways.”

[King Bob]:  “Well, we choose to forgive and forget for most things. At- at least I do. There are some people who may not be quite as on board with that, but I think you should be good here in the Fall Court and most of the Summer Court.”

[Saithe]:  “There’s a lot of forgetting that I’d like to do.”

[King Bob]:  “Oh well, if that’s the issue-”

[Jordan]:  “And you see from the tree, another mushroom pops out.”

[King Bob]:  “I think this’ll do ya some favors.”

[Arlo]:  “No no no no nope, none of that.”

[Caitie]:  Laughs  “Oh boy!”

[Arlo]:  “Well wait, actually…Can I, can I hold on to that?  That might be useful later.”

[King Bob]:  “I don’t see any reason why not. I mean I offered it.”

[Arlo]:  “Well, I thank you kindly.”

[Drew]:  “And he stows it away in the bag of holding.”

[Jordan]:  Chuckles  “Cool.  I’m gonna have to think of an actual effect for that now.”

[Drew]:  “Oh hell yeah! I’m gonna- this is one of those things where like you pick it up and he’s like I’m gonna keep this until I forget about it and then I’m gonna remember it. And then it’s going to save my life, I’m sure.” 

[Jordan]:  “Somehow.”

[Drew]:  “Somehow.”

[[Music changes to regular mysterious lute Feywild tune]]

[Jordan]:  “So Bob sends Portabenjamin to guide you guys over to the Fall Court proper.  As he takes you over there it; once again, things transition from the more mushroom forest back into the more autumnal forest with all the wild and crazy colors that simultaneously makes sense and yet defy all expectations.

Until eventually you come across this city, it has what looks like traditional Elven architecture, but again, it’s just slightly off in a way that doesn’t quite make sense, but feels like it’s how it was always meant to be.  And at the center of this massive town which Portabenjamin takes you to pretty quickly is- a castle. It is a giant, imposing castle, with again, just this insane architecture that- there are pillars that look like they hold up nothing, but it’s all very structurally sound, at least as far as you can tell.

But he guides you in and it is just this grand festival inside.”

[[Music transitions to fast paced party music]]

[Jordan]:  “As you walk through the town, there was virtually no one. And now you see why it’s because the town’s population was in the castle celebrating this random party for something. There are grand banquets of food everywhere.  Everyone has a goblet in their hand, they’re dressed in these exotic robes and clothing that- they look like the trees outside, but more refined and elegant. But there is one figure in particular that stands out among the rest. 

He is a bronzed skinned Elven looking person with jet black hair that goes down to his lower back. He wears an open- open front robe that goes all the way down to the floor, with baggy orange pants.  He has all sorts of jewels and bracelets, necklaces, all sorts of accessories all over him. He has this air of him of Regal Authority.  And he looks over in your direction and smiles before teleporting over to you in what looks like an explosion of dying leaves.  And he arrives in front of Forngal like-” 

[Regal Elf]:  “Forngal! My friend! It has been so long!

[Jordan]:  “And Forngal extends a hug back he’s like-”

[Forngal]:  “Hyrsam! My man! What’s up dude?”

[Jordan]:  “And then, rather than hug, they go for this extremely complicated like personal high five, you know, like those bro handshakes that everyone has that’s super-”

[Caitie]:  “Oh yeah, yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “They do that for like a good two minutes.”

[[Christina chuckles]]

[Drew]:  “We’re just watching this two minute long handshake.  Like-”

[Arlo]:  “Oh wow!”

[Jordan]:  “Yep, you guys just kind of stuck there in limbo.”

[Arlo]:  “They incorporated some backflips in there, that’s impressive.”

[Rhelynn]:  “I didn’t even know Forngal could do half of those things.”

[Arlo]:  “I know right? And when they had like that, that dance and poetry break, that was that was inspiring.”

[Rhelynn]:  “It’s good to know that I work with two poets instead of just the one who is turning into a snake person.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, I’m sure we’ll… we’ll, we’ll rectify that. He’ll be fine maybe.”

[Rhelynn]:  “What is my life becoming?”

[Jordan]:  “And so, after all this craziness is done, Hyrsam turns to everyone, he says-”

[Hyrsam]:  “I assume you are with my good friend, Forngal Prince of the Mushrooms!”

[Jordan]:  “Forngal turns to you all-”

[Forngal]:  “See I told ya, it’s just a nickname.”

[Arlo]:  “It’s not. It’s not a nickname, you’re an actual Prince.”

[Forngal]:  “Whoa.  Hyrsam, did you know that?”

[Hyrsam]:  “Yes  I- I fully did, I thought you-you know it’s not important right now. How can I help you all? And of course welcome to my grand abode and celebration of life itself! I do pride myself on having the most fun out of all of the courts. It’s earned me a little bit of a silly nickname myself.  They tend to call me the Prince of Fools. I think it’s a little harsh, but I for one choose to view it as simply having fun.  So how may I entertain my guests this day?”

[Saithe]:  “We need help getting to the Summer Court.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Well, why would you want to go there? The party’s here.”

[Saithe]:  “It is most enjoyable. I can say that much. However, we have a friend who has fallen ill and the only one that can help us is Queen Titania.”

[Christina]:  “Terra quickly adds in, like after like trying to maybe not offend, just trying to pick up on some amount of social cues that she’s attempted to learn from being out of a forest. She- she’s like-”

[Winterra]:  “Because Forngal’s dad told us that she could help us.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Ah, Yes, Lord Bob is quite wise with his years.”

[Arlo]:  As an aside  “We’re really committing the Lord Bob all right…”

[Hyrsam]:  “It’s his name, why wouldn’t I?”

[Jordan]:  “Winterra, Hyrsam looks at you specifically.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Have we met before? You look familiar.”

[Winterra]:  “Mmm…maybe you’ve met my mom?”

[Hyrsam]:  “Hm…”

[Winterra]:  “She guards the gate in the forest just outside of Silverymoon.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Outside of where?”

[Winterra]:  “Outside of Silverymoon in the forest.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Never heard of it.  I’m sure it’s nothing.”

[Caitie]:  “Roll a history check maybe?

[Jordan]:  “No, you don’t know him.  You have never met this man a day in your life.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Oh well. I’m sure it’s nothing.  But if you do need to get to the Summer Court I suppose I could be of assistance.  If you will entertain me.”

[Saithe]:  “How can we be of assistance?”

[Hyrsam]:  “Well, it’s been so long since I’ve had a fresh challenge, I was thinking it might be fun if we played a little game.  Something simple, of course. I don’t want to make things too overly drawn out. It seems like you guys are in a bit of a time crunch.  How about a quick game of tag?”

[Saithe]:  “What are your rules?”

[Hyrsam]:  “Well, I’ll be it, which of course naturally means you all will have to catch me.”

[Arlo]:  “I feel like you can teleport and that’s- that’s going to be very difficult on our end.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Well, I mean you all I assume, have your own special abilities.  The only thing I ask is that you form a three man team specifically as I played with Forngal many times in the past, and no offense old friend, but I feel like our games were a little stale we knew each other’s movements.”

[Forngal]:  “No no, I gotcha, makes sense.”

[Jordan]:  “And then Rhelynn’s like-”

[Rhelynn]:  “I guess that means it should probably be you three since you all know how to work together, a little bit better.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah.”

[Winterra]:  “Sure.”

[Saithe]:  “That’s probably right.”

[Rhelynn]:  “Well, good luck I guess. Hopefully he’s not gonna be too big of a deal for you guys.”

[Drew]:  “Can I try to use thaumaturgy to like, throw my voice and like make it sound like there’s a party goer or something?”

[Jordan]:  “I mean, you can do whatever you want, so sure.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, what would I have to like roll for that?”

[Jordan]:  “Deception?”

[Drew]:  “That is a 15.  I just want, just like you know, like a party goer, who’s like-”

[Partygoer]:  “Oh come on Prince we’re, we’re so ready to party and like we’re all going to get nude and have an orgy, don’t waste time playing tag just send them along where they need to go.”

[[Christina, Caitie, and Jordan snicker]]

[Jordan]:  “It’s adorable, you thought that would work.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Christina]:  “There was an attempt.”

[Jordan]:  “No, there was an attempt!  He just kind of cocks his head like-”

[Hyrsam]:  “Later Reggie.”

[[Drew laughs harder and Christina chuckles]] 

[Caitie]:  “Ooph.”

[Hyrsam]:  “So, are you all ready to begin?”

[Winterra]:  “Yeah, I mean we don’t have a choice.”

[Saithe]:  “What happens if we lose though?”

[Hyrsam]:  “You stay here and party with me.  Maybe partake in the orgy?  Reggie’s quite excited.”

[Drew]:  “Do we see Reggie in the background?” Chuckles

[Jordan]:  “You see one eladrin who’s like super confused by the punch bowl like-”

[Reggie]:  “I didn’t…”

[Jordan]:  “But he kind of like shrugs it off like-”

[Reggie]:  “Yeah sure, I’m down for an orgy why not?”

[Christina]:  “Did he specify if there’s a time limit on us catching him?”

[Jordan]:  “Ah, no.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay.”

[Jordan]:  “The only thing he said was- catch him.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Very well then.  Let’s begin.”

[[Outro begins playing]]

[Jordan]:  “And he snaps his fingers and as he does, reality itself seems to crack like glass before shattering before your eyes.  As you find yourselves in this weird extradimensional space with stairs going in every which direction.  Entire sections of building floating off into space with the void surrounding you, and you hear from all directions.”

[Hyrsam]:  “Catch me if you ca-an!  Hehehehaha!”

[Jordan]:  “And that is where we shall pause our tale for now.”     

[Caitie]:  “Whoooohoo!”

[Jordan]:  “Hey guys!  Thank you all so much for listening!  Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper. Trying to add these to the end of each of our episodes now so just a little something extra for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end.  But before that, in place of our usual plugs and promotions we wanted to ask everyone to do what they can to help out in our current situation.  Especially for our fellow American listeners, things are pretty rough right now.  So remember to do what you can to keep yourself and others safe.  Wear a mask in public, wash your hands, practice social distancing, and try and stay home whenever possible.  Also, with elections coming up, please remember to vote.  It’s more important now than ever that we practice this basic right and do what we can to help get things back on track. On a more casual note, please feel free to support us on patreon if you can!  It helps us to improve the show and even comes with some benefits like early access to new episodes and access to our aftershow -Peek Behind the Screen- where we talk about what happened in the episode and see what everyone’s thinking about what happened and what’s to come.  You should also follow us on our social media:  Facebook and Instagram at Agents of Damned, and Twitter at AgentsofD.  If you want to get more involved with the show, please send in requests for magic items, spells, or even NPCs.  Until next time, bye!” 

[[Outro ends and there’s a record scratch]]

[Jordan]:  “Cunning action!”

[Christina]: “He really didn’t like sneaky feetsies.”     

[Caitie]:  “I’ll come on your action.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm. Gross!”

[Drew]: “Um…”

[[Caitie giggles]]

[Drew]:  “Um!!”

[[Caitie keeps giggling]]

[Drew]:  “Um!!!!”

[Jordan]:  “I can always make this harder for you guys don’t forget.”

[Drew]:  “Is Chelsea still there?  Chelsea!”

[Caitie]:  “I need an adult!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, Chelsea’s gone.”

[Caitie]:  “He needs an adult.”

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