The Agents and 2nd Chance have barely escaped the Yuan-ti temple, and now are in a race to arrest Sisava before he can see his plans through to fruition. However, something appears to be wrong with 7.
Transcript
Unlucky Number 7
[[Intro music plays followed by adventuring music]]
[Jordan]: “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED, our special DnD let’s play podcast featuring myself, your sometimes benevolent often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman. And as always I am joined by my fellow players.”
[Caitie]: “Hi guys! I’m Caitie and I play Saithe.”
[Christina]: “Hey guys, I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”
[Drew]: “And I’m Drew McClain and by Bahamut’s platinum peener I am the good doctor Arlo Agon.”
[[Christina snickers]]
[Jordan]: “I thought it was his golden balls?”
[Drew]: “I mean you seemed to get up in arms about that one so I was like alright, platinum peener. Still has that alliteration.”
[Jordan]: “I mean…I guess…”
[Drew]: “I’m just saying, you seemed really concerned about the color of his balls and whether it was factually correct and I was like I mean-”
[Jordan]: “I just want to make sure we are accurate to the holy scriptures of what his genitalia is like, that’s all.”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Drew]: “Alright, I’m just saying, you’re really on that whole ball thing and I was like alright, I’ll just let Jordan have his balls.” Chuckles
[Jordan]: “Technically it’s Bahamut’s balls. But that’s enough of all this ball talk, ‘cause you guys just got out of some fucking shit!”
[Christina]: “Yeah…I have 1HP.”
[Jordan]: “I think we should jump right back in and see what the hell happens next ‘cause I’m very curious to see what happens next.”
[Drew]: In singsong “Awkward conversations!”
[Jordan]: “Heh. But first, a recap! So, last time the Agents and Second Chance found themselves in a dire situation. They were trapped in the middle of the yuan-ti temple with a room full of monstrous guards blocking the room to the exit and Ash, Sisava, and Sisava’s sister fast approaching. Before they could act, Rhelynn noticed that 7 had gone missing. After Forngal slapped some sense into her, the teams tricked the snagon blocking the exit through the use of Saithe’s trickery. The teams then came face to face once again with Ash. After some brief taunting from Arlo, Ash revealed his true form as he transformed into a giant black-scaled dragon. The Agents and Second chance fought desperately to escape, but found they were no match for their draconic foe. In a last ditch effort, Arlo told a transformed Winterra to carry the unconscious Rhelynn and Forngal to safety; and, for her and Saithe to let Raiann know that he was sorry. Though heavy hearted, Terra and Saithe complied and made their way out of the temple. As they gathered their thoughts, and planned their next move, the temple wall exploded with Arlo and 7 both fighting valiantly against Ash. As Ash prepared to rain dark flames down upon them, the sun rose over the horizon, the blinding light of a new day caused Ash great pain as he hastily retreated. As Terra and Saithe prepared to let Arlo and 7 have a piece of their minds, 7 revealed that he had managed to steal the charm that Sisava had been using to charm Granaphor. And thus, we resume our tale.”
[[Adventuring music stops]]
[Drew]: “I hate to be a stickler and I think I’m tipping my hat a little bit too much on this one, but Arlo didn’t- technically did not say the name Raiann.”
[Jordan]: “You said to bring it to the boss lady, did you not?”
[Drew]: “No I said there is going to be an angry dragonborn lady that you’ll need to speak with. And just tell her I’m sorry.”
[Caitie]: “We all know what that means!”
[Drew]: “No you don’t!”
[Jordan]: “I mean now that you’ve put that out there, I guess I may have assumed so I apologize for that one.”
[Caitie]: “We get it, you ship yourself with her!”
[[Drew chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “No no no. There may or may not be other…there may not be other angry dragonborn involved. He has a point.”
[Drew]: “Yeah, you don’t know Arlo’s life. He might like, just be like you know pimpin all over the world with all these different dragonborn ladies.”
[Jordan]: “You don’t know the trail of dragon pussy Arlo has left in his wake.”
[Drew]: “Oh god.”
[Caitie]: “All right…”
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Drew]: “I stayed away from the term dragon pussy.”
[Jordan]: “’Cause you’re a coward!”
[Drew]: “I was being tasteful!” Laughs
[Jordan]: “I’m not a coward like you are.
[Drew]: “I was too afraid. I was too afraid of the term dragon pussy.”
[Jordan]: “Well now it’s out there, so be afraid no longer.”
[Caitie]: “I can’t, I can’t deal with you guys.”
[[Drew chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “So as we had left it, 7 was in front of Winterra and Saithe, and he had just revealed the charm that Granaphor was being charmed with. Remind me ’cause I do not immediately remember are Rhelynn and Forngal still unconscious? Did you guys ever like bring them back up or are they still knocked out?”
[Caitie]: “I think they’re probably still unconscious.”
[Jordan]: “Cool!”
[Christina]: “I don’t think we had a chance to heal them yet.”
[Jordan]: Amused “Alright cool, So what do you guys do?
[Christina]: “So Terra is going to like kind of, gently slide them off of her back. And then she’s going to immediately with the badge still in her mouth, transform out of her horse form and angrily march up to Arlo and like shove him like as hard as possible while like taking the badge out of her mouth and like pushing it into his chest. Like-”
[Winterra]: Intensely “What do you think you’re doing?!”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is gonna quickly like pull her away like calm her down and she’s gonna look at Arlo and she’s gonna say-”
[Saithe]: “Are you hurt?”
[Drew]: “So I think Arlo is like you know, after the shove like fully fell onto the ground ’cause he is pretty like fucked up from that whole experience. I mean like he kind of just like brings himself up. He’s like-”
[Arlo]: “I’m a- I’m a bit banged up, but I’ll, I’ll be fine.”
[Saithe]: “Okay, good.”
[Caitie]: “And she’s gonna slap him, right across the face.”
[[Christina and Jordan laugh]]
[Arlo]: “Ow!”
[Saithe]: “As for you-”
[Caitie]: “She’s turning to 7 with that.”
[Saithe]: “What the hell were you thinking?”
[7]: “I got the charm. I don’t see what the issue is.”
[Saithe]: Shouting “That wasn’t the mission! We don’t even know how he is affected without it being around! The mission was to get information. If you had been paying attention instead of writing your broody love poems. You failed this 7. You left your team behind. You took something that we knew could have caused danger if we took it. What were you thinking?!”
[7]: “I was thinking…That Niavara had told us we should bring it to her to have it analyzed.
[Saithe]: “And then when we pointed out to her that it may be the only thing keeping Granaphor from destroying the town, she told us just to get a close look at it and then deliver the information to her instead of the actual object. Now the only thing between us and keeping Granaphor calm might be something more dangerous than that object that you have in your hands.”
[7]: “You do remember how we determined that Sisava leaves guards at- to watch over Granaphor at night when he’s not there, right?”
[Saithe]: “Yes.”
[7]: “How do you think they keep him calm?”
[Saithe]: “I don’t think you thought this through.”
[7]: “I think you’re not giving me enough credit on this one. I’m the one who followed Sisava. I saw that they had these things. I don’t think he would have ever done something so mindless as to just trust in a beholder. That’s not how yuan-ti work, they’re cunning, they’re manipulative, but they’re not careless.”
[Saithe]: “And you still left your team behind.”
[Arlo]: “Alright everyone, everyone. I’m gonna need everyone to take a second. We’re gonna roll it on back now raise your hand if you straight up almost died today.”
[Christina]: “Winterra shoots, shoots her hand up-”
[Winterra]: “Several times!”
[Jordan]: “7 also raises his hand.”
[Arlo]: “7 that was kind of on your own volition.”
[7]: “I did also help you fight the dragon, which by the way where did that come from?”
[Arlo]: “Um, so that was Ash. We’re gonna, we’re gonna clarify a lot of things, but um, I want us to all notice that there are two people who can’t raise their hands because they’re unconscious. So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to handle that. We’re gonna take that charm, get ourselves over to Granaphor because he cannot be without it.”
[Drew]: “Arlo fixes his badge.”
[Arlo]: “Everybody clear?”
[Jordan]: “The sticker is a little ruffled.”
[Drew]: “He’s like-”
[Arlo]: “My star sticker… It’s not important, it’s not important. It’s not important right now.”
[Drew]: “But like you can tell, like in his voice, it’s kind of important to him.”
[[Jordan snickers]]
[Saithe]: “Do any of you have any more… magic ability to heal them?”
[Winterra]: “I only have one potion.”
[Drew]: “Uh, I have like four.”
[Caitie]: “I have like six, we’re fine.”
[Drew]: “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll give one potion to our um-
[Caitie]: “And I’ll give one potion.”
[Drew]: “I’m going to give my potion to Forngal ’cause we’re tight like that.”
[Caitie]: “And I’ll give mine to Rhelynn.”
[Jordan]: “Yep! Alright, so Arlo. You go over to Forngal and pour it down his throat and he immediately shoots up he’s like-”
[Forngal]: “AH! Chicken of the woods, what?!”
[Arlo]: “Forngal, one of these days I’m going to dig into all those things you say whenever you pop up, but for now, we’ve got bigger chicken of the woods to fry.
[Forngal]: “What tastes like pineapple?”
[Saithe]: “Better than the ooze babies.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Arlo]: “Forngal, uh, I really don’t want to put this on ya friend, so I’m just going to go ahead and not answer that.”
[Forngal]: “Alright.”
[Jordan]: “And then Saithe you go and give your potion to Rhelynn. And she also jumps up.”
[Rhelynn]: “Oh wow, we’re outside wow. What happened? Where are we- 7!?
[Saithe]: “Easy”
[Rhelynn]: “7 what the hell!”
[Saithe]: “Easy! Easy, it’s OK, everything’s alright.”
[Rhelynn]: “Where’s the dragon?”
[Saithe]: “Gone..”
[Rhelynn]: “Okay good… Did I miss anything else?”
[Saithe]: “Well, 7 took the charm.”
[Rhelynn]: “Of course he did.” Groans
[Saithe]: “May want to have a conversation with him about that.”
[Rhelynn]: “Yeah, story of my life.”
[Winterra]: “Well, I think we should immediately try to start moving ’cause… I don’t think hanging out outside of a yuan-ti temple is a good idea in the middle of the night… er, in the middle of the morning now, but…the rising sun.”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, we need to.”
[Saithe]: “The rising sun.”
[Drew]: Singsong “Oh the Rising Sun.” Normally “Alright, so we, we probably need to make a beeline for where Granaphor be at as we have the charm that makes him not kill everyone.”
[[Harp town music starts back up]]
[Jordan]: “Alright. So you guys start making your way back to town. It’s a couple hours to get back to town. As you do that. I need you guys to make me a quick perception check.”
[Christina/Winterra]: “Do you think it would be a good idea to fill in any one at base about the fact that Ash is a dragon?”
[Drew]: “Yeah, like over that trip I’m sure we can do that- mission report.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, she did tell us to call her in the morning anyway.”
[Drew]: “Alright, I got a 14.”
[Jordan]: “Kay.”
[Christina]: “I got a 10.”
[Caitie]: “I got a 23 wait…a… 27.”
[Drew]: “Wait, I’m forgetting my Big Betty’s bonus. So that’s 17.”
[Jordan]: “Oh okay, still not good enough. Fortunately for you, Saithe’s was. So as you- well hold on if you guys are going to do the report then do that first.”
[[Town music stops and is replaced with Raiann’s office theme]]
[Drew]: “Alright, well Arlo’s going to like reach for his speaking stone and then just kind of like sit back be like-”
[Arlo]: “I’m… I’m tired, someone else do it.”
[Christina]: “Terra is gonna reach for the rock and she’s gonna be like-”
[Winterra]: “Alright. Raiann, I need you to appear in the rock.”
[Jordan]: “It takes a couple seconds, but eventually you hear-”
[Raiann]: Yawning “Raiann speaking.”
[Winterra]: “Hello we have news.”
[Raiann]: Sounding tired “Right, you guys did have that late night thing, didn’t you?”
[Winterra]: “Yes…you know that that person we were telling you about, the one that we ran into in the first town and we told you we ran into again?”
[Raiann]: “Oh right, the one that Arlo keeps referring to with that vulgar term. Yes, I remember.”
[Winterra]: “Yes.”
[Raiann]: “What about him?”
[Winterra]: “So um, turns out he’s a dragon.”
[Raiann]: Tired and repeating, not registering “Oh right, yes dragon.”
[Jordan]: “And it’s just it goes quiet for a couple of seconds and it’s just like-”
[Raiann]: Alarmed “WAIT WHAT?”
[Saithe]: “A little more than that, he is an undead dragon.”
[Raiann]: Quickly “Well! Don’t be my coffee anymore. Keep talking!”
[[Christina stifles a giggle]]
[Winterra]: “Yeah, so turns out he’s a black dragon, um, and he was plotting with the yuan-ti and they are trying to summon something?”
[Raiann]: “Oh.”
[Christina]: “That’s about as much as Terra knows at this moment, so someone else will probably want to take over.”
[Saithe]: “They’re here to cause more havoc. They’re going to more or less sacrifice the entire city.”
[Raiann]: “Well, it’s good to know you at least had a productive night.”
[Saithe]: “Yeah, speaking of that, 7 has something to tell you.”
[Raiann]: “Oh good lord…what did he do this time?”
[Saithe]: “7? You wanna, you wanna tell the Boss Lady, your uh, your shenanigans or should I?”
[7]: “I managed to procure the charm that is being used to calm Granaphor.”
[Raiann]: “Was that your plan?”
[Saithe]: “Nope, no, it sure wasn’t.”
[Drew]: “And Arlo in the background-”
[Arlo]: “It sure as hell was not!”
[Raiann]: Sighs deeply “7, what exactly was your logic in doing this?”
[7]: “I was sure that because they were leaving nightly guards for him that they would also have had a charm and we could use this to identify what the charm actually does.”
[Jordan]: “And it goes quiet for like a couple seconds before Raiann speaks up again.”
[Raiann]: “It’s not that I don’t see where you’re coming from…however, as I have discussed with you MULTIPLE times in the past. You need to stick with the plan that is determined by your team. In this case teams. If neither you nor the Agents decided it wasn’t in your best interest to go and procure this charm, then perhaps it wasn’t in the best interest to do so. Do you understand this time?”
[Jordan]: “7 says nothing and then Rhelynn speaks up like-”
[Rhelynn]: “I’ll speak with him about it later. I suppose for now it is what it is.”
[Raiann]: “So what’s your next move?”
[Saithe]: “We’re on our way back to town now.”
[Raiann]: Sighs again “Right, I don’t suppose you managed to apprehend this Sisava in the midst of all that, did you?”
[Saithe]: “Unfortunately, no, once Ash became a dragon…things got a little complicated.”
[Raiann]: “Understandable, I realized it was wishful thinking, but I needed to ask anyway. Unfortunately, in this situation it is very likely he will go into hiding, so it will be difficult to apprehend him. However, given that you have managed to find this information, I think it goes without saying we are free to apprehend him the moment it becomes possible to do so.”
[Saithe]: “Yes, ma’am.”
[Raiann]: “Be careful though. If he was aware it was you all then he will be on high alert and be aiming for all of you, be exceptionally careful around the yuan-ti. Keep a very close eye out for Sisava.”
[Saithe]: “You bet. Um, may I ask, what is your opinion on Niavara, the elf?”
[Raiann]: “As I said, when I was informing you all as to the nature of this mission, Niavara and Seebo can both be trusted. They’ve been with the town for most of their lives, if not all of it, and they always have operated with the best interest of the town in mind. I see no reason why you cannot trust them. It is Granaphor who is…the gray area.”
[Saithe]: “Understood thank you, ma’am.”
[Raiann]: “Is there anything else you would like to report to me at this point?”
[Saithe]: “Unless my comrades have anything else to add, I’m satisfied.”
[Christina/Winterra]: “I don’t think we’re leaving anything out, are we?”
[Arlo]: “I’m good!”
[Raiann]: “Very well then. As I said before, remain vigilant and as soon as you can apprehend Sisava. I will see what I can do about this revelation of Ash being a… What kind of dragon did you say he was again?”
[Winterra]: “Black?”
[Saithe]: “Undead!”
[Arlo]: “Shadow dragon!”
[Raiann]: “Black undead shadow…I’ll look into it just-”
[Saithe]: “He burst into flames when the sun came up.”
[Raiann]: “Oh! That’s…unusual.”
[Winterra]: “Yeah it like- it’s like it burned him!”
[Raiann]: “Hm… That’s not a usual dragon trait. I suppose I can see where the undead or shadow theory comes in. Again, I-I’ll look into it. For now, just focus on Sisava and obviously avoid Ash at all costs now. I think you’ve done enough as far as reconnaissance with him.”
[Saithe]: “Highly agree!”
[Raiann]: “Right. Raiann out.”
[Jordan]: “And the stone goes silent.”
[Christina]: “Terra just comments really quick. She’s like-”
[[Town music plays again]]
[Winterra]: “That’s so cool that we can just summon her into this rock.”
[Christina]: “And she hands it back to Arlo.”
[Saithe]: “That’s… it’s… Yes, that’s how it works.”
[Arlo]: “Wait, T-Terra, I…I need to clarify something. Do you- Do you believe that Raiann is in the rock?”
[Winterra]: Naively “Yeah, why wouldn’t she be? How would she talk to us if she wasn’t?”
[Arlo]: “We’re… we’re gonna… You, me, and Bookworm are gonna get together we’re going to get you some, some lessons on… Just a lot of general studies but I’m gonna, I’m gonna tell you right now. Raiann is not in the rock. We just used the rock to talk to Raiann- when we went to the inventor’s house how did you think we were talking to him through the rock in his door?”
[Winterra]: “Well, obviously he did some kind of magic to get himself in the rock and then he poofed back and was in the ceiling.”
[Saithe]: “I needed this. This was something that I needed.”
[[Drew giggles]]
[Arlo]: “Alright, I’ll just. Yeah, we’re gonna, we’re gonna put a pin in that one. I’m going to put a pin right in it. I’m going to come back to that later.”
[Jordan]: “This raises some very interesting questions on how exactly Winterra thinks Saithe managed to trick the snaggon with Thaumaturgy. Speaking of Saithe! With that earlier perception check….You notice something a little bit strange about 7.”
[Caitie]: “Strange how?”
[Jordan]: “Well, you notice that his eyes are looking unusually bloodshot, like even someone of we’ll say Forngal levels of stoned off their ass would be remiss to have their eyes even half as bloodshot as his. In addition, there’s also like some red streaks, kind of like going across his like face, but they’re very- like it’s hard to see it unless you were looking dead at him.
[Caitie]: “Red streaks like-”
[Jordan]: “-it looks like blood veins.”
[Caitie]: “Blood veins.”
[Drew]: “As opposed to the other kind of veins that carry other stuff.”
[Jordan]: “Hey man, he’s a tiefling. I don’t know what’s up.”
[Drew]: “You know what that’s valid, that’s fair.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, what color is his skin by the way?”
[Jordan]: “What color is the skin of the albino tiefling?”
[Caitie]: “Oh right, he’s albino, I forgot, so he’s white, alright.”
[Jordan]: “No, he’s bright purple.”
[Caitie]: “Oh cute! Really?”
[Jordan]: “No! Albino, yes, he’s white.”
[Drew]: “Again, we don’t know how this would work with tieflings. What like… what if like because it’s like you know a hell dimension topsy turvy world albino is like the same as being a hyperpigmented so it’s like yeah he’s albino so his skin is pitch fucking black.”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Drew]: “You don’t know!”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, that’d be funny as hell, actually. Okay, but yeah, that’s what your perception check netted you and you are the only one who was able to notice it. ‘Cause he’s trying to hide it. Which you are also able to tell that he is like trying not to draw attention to it.
[Caitie]: “Alright, so is he like- he has like his hood up?
[Jordan]: “Yeah, and he’s kind of like trying to keep to the back, but because you have your special magical Devil Vision, it doesn’t do a whole lot like as far as your ability to see it.”
[Caitie]: “She’s gonna pause and grab hold of him and like put his hood down to get a closer look.”
[[Town music changes over to rumbling different mysterious music]]
[Jordan]: “As soon as you reach for him, he immediately reaches his hands up to his hood and just gives you this venomous glare.”
[7]: Aggressively “Don’t. Touch. My hood.”
[Jordan]: “The rest of you hear this, by the way.”
[Saithe]: “What’s up with you?”
[Winterra]: “Saithe, what are you doing?”
[Arlo]: “What’s going on over there?”
[Saithe]: “Something’s wrong, he’s not himself.”
[7]: “I’m fine.”
[Saithe]: “What happened?”
[7]: “Nothing happened, I got the charm of which apparently was a bad idea.”
[Saithe]: “The charm.”
[Arlo]: “7 if something is going on. You gotta let me check ya out. At the very least-”
[7]: Louder “I’m fine!”
[Saithe]: “No, 7 something is wrong.”
[7]: Yelling “I said I’m fine!”
[Jordan]: “At this point, you guys see Rhelynn and Forngal are both shocked to see this. Rhelynn is actually first like-”
[Rhelynn]: “7. Something’s definitely wrong with you. You don’t…yell. Ever. What happened in there?”
[7]: “I said I’m fine, let’s just go.”
[Saithe]: “Wait. Are you still holding the charm?”
[7]: “It’s in my pocket.”
[Saithe]: “Arlo give me your bag of holding.”
[Drew]: “Arlo hands over the bag of holding.
[Saithe]: “Put it in here.”
[7]: Sarcastically “Oh so now we want the charm.”
[Saithe]: “No listen to me. I think it’s affecting you.”
[7]: Huffs “Fine here.”
[Jordan]: “And he drops it in.”
[7]: “Are we happy now?”
[Saithe]: “How do you feel?”
[7]: “Annoyed. Can we move on?”
[Saithe]: “Arlo keep a close eye on him. I notice that his eyes are very bloodshot and he’s got blood veins.”
[Arlo]: “Wait, doesn’t everybody have blood veins?”
[[Jordan and Christina laugh]]
[Saithe]: “He has VISIBLE bloody veins popping out of his skin.”
[Arlo]: “Okay, that’s a little bit more off brand. That, I’ll keep an eye on.”
[Saithe]: “Yeah.”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Jordan]: “Yeah, now that it’s been pointed out, everyone can tell and it does look very unnatural.”
[Winterra]: “Hm.”
[Saithe]: “Listen to me, if you continue to feel this aggression building up, you need to speak up. I don’t care if you wanna punch me straight in the face, do it.”
[Jordan]: “He punches you square in the face.”
[Drew]: “Arlo punches him square in the face.
[Jordan]: “What’s your damage modifier?”
[Drew]: “Don’t I have the claws?”
[Jordan]: Alarmed/Amused “Do you use your claws to punch him?!”
[Caitie]: Surprised “Fuck! It’s not that important!”
[Drew]: “Alright, alright, I’ll regular punch him!” Chuckling “Shit, everyone calm down. So that’s three.”
[Jordan]: “Okay.”
[Drew]: “So Arlo like- like is literally like ‘if you need to punch me, do it.’ Punch. Immediate additional punch right in the face like-”
[Arlo]: “You need to calm the fuck down.”
[Jordan]: “He pulls out a knife.”
[Drew]: “Arlo pulls out his hammer.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is gonna grab like Arlo with her tail and just kind of hold him back.”
[Jordan]: “Rhelynn at this point is also like rushing over to 7 to kind of like hold him back and he is viciously fighting back. At this point it’s very clear something is very, very wrong with him.
[7]: Growling “Get. Off of me!”
[Saithe]: “7! You are a good person, this isn’t you.”
[Jordan]: “At this point you guys see Forngal plucks a mushroom out of his mane. And as 7 opens his mouth to yell again, he just pops that bitch right in there.
[Caitie]: “Ewwww.”
[Drew]: “Nice.”
[7]: Forced swallowing “What the hell was th-”
[Jordan]: “And he immediately falls unconscious.”
[[Christina and Drew laugh]]
[Drew]: “You better pack your bags kid ’cause you’re going on a trip.”
[Forngal]: “Maybe he’s just tired, I don’t know.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is gonna pull back his hood and like take a closer look at the veins crawling out of his face.”
[[Music changes to an even slower more mysterious/serious piano tune]]
[Jordan]: “Oh okay, the way you keep saying that is the most un- it’s so unsettling…”
[Caitie]: “It’s just… it- the way that I’m picturing it is really unsettling. I know what it looks like, it’s just ugh!”
[Jordan]: Chuckles “You make it sound like they were literally like popping out of his flesh.”
[Caitie]: “Yes.”
[Jordan]: “And it’s not what it is!”
[Caitie]: “I know it’s not, but it’s perfect.”
[Jordan]: “Oh no, it’s awful. Stop it. So as you pull the hood back. You’re actually now able to see something that you couldn’t see before. On the back of his neck. You see four small holes.”
[Christina]: “Like bite marks?”
[Jordan]: “Like bite marks.”
[Drew]: “Dundundun.”
[Jordan]: “Like it was from some sort of a oh I don’t know a snake.”
[Christina]: “Snake?”
[Jordan]: “Snake.”
[Drew]: “Snek.”
[Jordan and Drew simultaneously]: “Snake? Snake. Snaaaaaaaaake.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, we’re done.”
[Christina]: “Terra… Terra is like looking at it after someone like points out that there is like snake bites on his neck and she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Does anyone know if yuan-ti can control people by biting them? Like… like? Is that a thing?”
[Jordan]: “Rhelynn speaks up and says-”
[Rhelynn]: “I mean they can control people, but they usually just use magic for that. I’ve never heard of anything like this before. Maybe we should ask someone in town if they know about this? It’s obviously a problem.”
[Winterra]: “Very much.”
[Saithe]: “No kidding.”
[Arlo]: “There’s only one person who would have knowledge on the sneeple that we can trust with this information.”
[Rhelynn]: “I’m almost afraid to ask…”
[Arlo]: “We gotta talk to Nnelg.”
[Winterra]: “Ugh.”
[Rhelynn]: “Oh, that’s why I was afraid to ask, but alright, I suppose we can talk to Nnelg.”
[Winterra]: Distrustful of Nnelg “Fine, but I’m coming to make sure that you don’t get killed. You’ve done enough of almost doing that enough today.”
[Saithe]: “That’s probably fair.”
[Winterra]: “You might trust him, but I don’t.”
[[Silverymoon town music begins playing again]]
[Jordan]: “So you guys make your way back into town while carrying an unconscious 7. Forngal has informed you guys that the mushroom effects will last for a good bit, so you shouldn’t have to worry about him like waking up too, too terribly soon and having to go through the fun of wrestling him again.”
[Caitie]: “Hey, maybe one of us should go to Niavara?”
[Drew]: “I’m honestly still not sure like… If Niavara fits into this in any kind of a malicious way, yet. I know that’s a little bit like…. I know I’m being both like too suspicious and not suspicious enough, but something about Niavara like I dunno just like general vibe feels-”
[Caitie]: “She just wants to win the election fam. She’s basically Hillary Clinton.”
[Drew]: “Yeah, fair enough.”
[Caitie]: “All politicians are bad people.”
[Drew]: “Also true.”
[Christina]: “I mean, we can probably do both. We don’t have to do like them, like at the same time, we can probably go to one and then go to the other?
[Caitie]: “Yeah!”
[Drew]: “Well, I think if we’re going to do things in a particular order, I think it should be Nnelg. Then Granaphor because again, the charm that keeps him from doing murder.”
[Caitie]: “Well, that’s why I wanted to go to Niavara so she could check out the charm.”
[Drew]: “I wanted to be able to check out the charm, but I don’t want like while we’re checking out the charm we just hear in the background-” Monster sounds “And a bunch of lasers like well, time to roll up new characters because we for sure cannot fight this beholder.”
[Christina]: “Well, I mean what 7 said was kind of possibly true. Why would they like leave with the charm at night if they didn’t think they could control him? Even if you know what if you wake up in the middle of the night? That doesn’t seem like a smart or safe idea.”
[Drew]: “That is true.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, how on earth would he possibly known that it’s not like you know, I’m his voice actor?”
[Caitie]: “Yeah.”
[Drew]: “We can’t metagame and assume that like he knows crucial plot details.”
[Jordan]: “He trailed them. You know he did this.”
[Drew]: “Alright, alright, alright. So I guess we’ll go Nnelg and then Niavara and then Granaphor.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so you guys manage to make your way over to the marketplace. Where you find the ever popular establishment Nnelg. Run by Nnelg.”
[Drew]: “Please tell me the sign says Nnelg run by Nnelg and nothing else.”
[Jordan]: “Bold of you to assume he has a sign.”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Jordan]: “He is just sitting on a rug in the middle of the clearing.”
[[Drew laughs more]]
[Jordan]: “Surrounded by all sorts of paints and like mortar and pestle and all that stuff, everything he would need to do his tatt jobs.”
[Caitie]: “Sounds super sanitary.”
[Jordan]: “Eh. So you guys make your way over to him and he looks up and is like-”
[Nnelg]: “Ah! I see you’ve decided to take me up on my offer for a-”
[Jordan]: “And then he looks at 7 like-”
[Nnelg]: “What happened to him?”
[Saithe]: “Don’t worry about it.”
[Arlo]: “Well, actually we- we do want him to worry about it.”
[Nnelg]: “I’m getting mixed signals. Should I be worried about your friend or do you want tattoos like…what’s up??”
[Arlo]: “We… we needed someone that um… Had information about possible yuan-ti poisoning stuff. Not to, you know profile you on it, but um, you know we got a good vibe from you and thought we could probably trust you to bring our friend to ya ’cause we think he got bit by somebody and then he started acting real crazy.
[Nnelg]: “Well, it was certainly a smart idea to go to a yuan-ti about anything that you know a yuan-ti might be able to do. So, alright bring him here. Let me see him.”
[Jordan]: “And so he takes a look at the bite and he’s- very quickly says-”
[Nnelg]: “This couldn’t have been from a yuan-ti. It’s much too small. It would be from like a regular serpent.”
[Jordan]: “But then he turns him over, sees his face like-”
[Nnelg]: “Oh! Oh, that’s bad.”
[Saithe]: “What is it?”
[Winterra]: “What does that mean?”
[Nnelg]: “So… It was technically caused by a yuan-ti. Not directly, though, it would be from one of the… How should I put this? So some tribes of yuan-ti… will…create artificial serpents and give them a specially formulated venom that makes it easier to administer certain toxins to other non yuan-ti races. Think of it as a really messed up syringe. And it looks like this particular one has infected your friend here with something called brood poisoning.”
[Winterra]: “Okay, well what does that mean?”
[Saithe]: “What will it do to him?”
[Nnelg]: “Are you familiar with brood guards?”
[Saithe]: “Yes.”
[Nnelg]: “He’s gonna turn into one of those.”
[Arlo]: “Ohh…”
[Saithe]: “Is there anyway we can stop it?”
[Jordan]: “And so he kind of like puts 7’s head down gently and like crosses his arms as if to like think. You know, like the anime style were like someone like sit cross legged with their arms folded like just deep think he’s doing that.”
[Caitie]: “But yes, OK.”
[Nnelg]: “So… yes and no. No, in that there is no currently developed cure for that from the yuan-ti or anyone in this realm who has studied it as it is not super common anymore. Most yuan-ti don’t do this. The fact that this has happened to him is honestly pretty fucked up. Like I can’t even begin to imagine-”
[Jordan]: “He gets like real close to you guys like-”
[Nnelg]: “It wasn’t the yuan-ti that are just kind of around town that did that, is it? ‘Cause I may have to leave town otherwise.”
[Arlo]: “Well… We can’t tell you a whole lot. We will tell ya that you’re perfectly safe. And that we’re just kind of a, you know, we’re tangled in some stuff and we’ll, we’ll be handling things on our end, but you’re, you’re good.”
[Nnelg]: “Okay good.”
[Arlo]: “Don’t worry Nnelg, I gotcha ol’ buddy.”
[Drew]: “And like I clap him on the back.”
[Jordan]: “He holds out his fist for a fist pound.”
[Drew]: “I dap him up.”
[Jordan]: “Nice.”
[Christina]: “Terra crosses her own arms and kind of like cocks her hip to the side while she’s watching everything like she still is like kind of untrustworthy, but the fact that he just said that like makes it a little bit less untrusted. But she’s still like examining what’s going on while she’s watching what’s going down.”
[Jordan]: “So he keeps on talking and and says-”
[Nnelg]: “So… While there’s nothing like here… there is a rumor that I heard while traveling that supposed- now I can’t. I cannot confirm nor deny this, so if it’s not true, sorry. But this is what I’ve heard. The Nnelg gossip. Supposedly there are people who have contracted brood poisoning before and then somehow wound up in the Feywild and came back fine.”
[Caitie]: “Oh no.”
[Drew]: “God. Damn. It. Jordan!!!”
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Drew]: “You son of a bitch!!!”
[Saithe]: “Well, I guess he’s gonna die then.”
[[Jordan laughs again]]
[Winterra]: “How long do we have until he becomes…totally that?”
[Jordan]: “He peels back 7’s eyelids, like-”
[Nnelg]: “I’d say at the rate, he’s going probably by the end of the day.”
[Winterra]: “What?!”
[Nnelg]: “Oh yeah, no. This is like potent shit, they pumped him with it’s…this is bad.”
[Drew]: “Can I roll like a medicine check to see if I can slow it down?”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, go ahead.”
[Drew]: “That is a 19 + 6 + 3.”
[Jordan]: “Given that it is a form of poisoning, you have reason to believe that you should be able to at the very least slow it down through like restoration or like anti poison magics. But given what Nnelg has told you, it is also very likely that that will only just slow it down, ’cause otherwise people probably would have figured out a cure to it by now. If it was that easy.”
[Drew]: “Arlo kind of speaks oup like-”
[Arlo]: “Well, we’re probably gonna need to investigate this Feywild cure. But if I can… I just give him like a sort of a not quite an anti venom. But it’s something like something that will slow it down for him.”
[Nnelg]: “It’s probably a good idea.”
[Arlo]: “I would need some…Something to work with. Nnelg, do you make venom?”
[Nnelg]: “Like, like me personally, or do I know how to procure it from other venomous creatures?”
[Arlo]: “I mean like just from out of your body, my guy.”
[[Christina is holding back laughter]]
[Nnelg]: “Um?”
[Drew]: “We’re going to be practicing medicine. We’re in a fantasy world. It’s gonna get weird. It’s gonna get wild, y’all.”
[Nnelg]: “I mean. Kind of? It’s not like super deadly, it’s… it’s more just like I kind of use it for like the ink in my tattoos. So it really can’t be like that deadly.”
[Arlo]: “So you use it for the ink in your tattoos, aha! Now that we can probably work with!”
[Drew]: “And can I, can I use my medicine check and like Nnelg’s tattoo stuff to kind of like work with Nnelg to put a slow the poison tattoo on..on 7?”
[Jordan]: “I mean his tattoos take like a hot minute to put on so that would eat up some time. I mean like I said, if you want to do like the tattoo thing: one that would be super permanent. So you’d be marking this man forever and it would also take a long time which for the sake of a temporary thing may not be the most effective way of going about it that’s all I will say, if you do want to do that, I’m not going to say no. But like maybe finding a magic user might be a better idea.”
[Drew]: “I mean, it would also might. It might also just be like deeply satisfying to put a little tattoo on his back that just says, like I fucked up a very important mission and all I got was this lousy tattoo on my back.”
[Christina]: “Okay..okay, but hold on. Let’s think for a second out of character. Out of character let’s think who else did we have on this list of people to go visit who is a powerful magic user?”
[Drew]: “I know where we’re supposed to go! I just wanted… I just want to float that idea out there. We’ll go.. talk to fucking Niavara.” Disappointed “Goddamnit.”
[Christina]: “Okay, but- but when you guys walk away Terra holds back for a second and she turns to Nnelg and she like points at him and she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “I know you hang out with my brother. If you so much as hurt him. You will have nothing left. You will only deal with me.”
[Nnelg]: “Does alcohol poisoning count as hurting him? Because if so, I apologize for being an inhibitor.”
[Arlo]: “Enabler. Enabler, my guy.”
[Nnelg]: “ Sorry I’m…I-I may have hit up the bar last night.”
[Christina]: “Terra’s like-”
[Winterra]: “I don’t care about that, just make sure he stays safe.”
[Nnelg]: “I mean he’s my friend, so yeah.”
[Christina]: “She huffs and she like turns and walks away.”
[[Mystical piano music plays for the archives]]
[Jordan]: “So you guys make your way back over to the Grand Archives. As you guys have been making your way over there and you’ve been keeping an eye on 7 and the more visible veins are like starting to kind of like spread down a little bit, so it’s definitely making like- you can see that it is starting to affect him more and more, but he’s still unconscious for the time being. But you make your way over to the Grand Archives and head inside and see Niavara just doing her usual thing, looking over the books. While also trying to keep an eye on all the yuan-ti in there because… Well, you know.”
[Arlo]: Hushed “Uh, Niavara?”
[Niavara]: “Oh, you’re back! Oh thank goodness. I-I was obviously quite nervous all night that you guys wouldn’t be able to make it back. I-I only got my full 4 hour trance honestly… So what have you managed to discover?”
[Arlo]: “We’re going to need to make our way up to your office very expediently.”
[Niavara]: “Right!”
[Jordan]: “And she guides you up there very, very familiar with this process.”
[[Christina giggles]]
[Drew]: “Alright, so we make a beeline for the office.”
[Jordan]: “Yep, so you guys entered the office. Which one of you was holding 7? Would that be any of you guys or would it be someone from Second Chance?”
[Drew]: “I would assume it would be Forngal?.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say. Probably Forngal.”
[Jordan]: “Ok, that’s kind of what I figured. Just want to make sure no one else was- felt like holding 7.”
[Drew]: “We- we’re all collectively dragging him along in a little red wagon.”
[Caitie]: “Unless like, Saithe is like, has her tail up his back, making him stand up, and walk like a puppet.”
[Christina]: “Oh my god!”
[Drew]: “We put some sunglasses on him. He’s just like weekend at bernie’s style-” Laughs
[Caitie]: “Weekend at Bernie’s DND edition!”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Jordan]: “I would make you roll for that, with so much disadvantage, are you sure!?”
[[Drew and Caitie both compose themselves]]
[Jordan]: “Alright, so as Forngal walks in holding 7, this is the first moment where Niavara notices this and her eyes go wide as she closes the doors like-”
[Niavara]: “Oh, so things didn’t go well. I take it.”
[Arlo]: “Things were both productive and severely unproductive.”
[Niavara]: “Gonna need you to clarify a little bit if you can.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe pulls the charm out of the bag of holding.”
[Niavara]: “Oh! Um? Wasn’t expecting that.”
[Saithe]: “Yeah, neither were we.”
[Caitie]: “She says glaring in 7’s direction.”
[Jordan]: “Uh, her eyes kind of like unwiden and go back to normal and she is like-”
[Niavara]: “Okay, I think I see where this is going. May I see the charm if that’s alright so I can- while we have it, you know?”
[Arlo]: “Well, first thing’s first, what do you know about brood poisoning?”
[Jordan]: “Her eyes go real wide again, and as they do she turns over to 7 who is unconscious like-”
[Niavara]: “Ohhh… nooo…”
[Saithe]: “Yeah.
[Winterra]: “Mhm.”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, yeah, that’s a that’s going down.
[Niavara]: “Okay, yeah, that’s… Have- have any of you cast a Lesser Restoration on him since you discovered this?”
[Arlo]: “We fought a very powerful dark mage type guy and so we’re…”
[Niavara]: “Kind of spent on slots?”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, severely spent on slots.”
[Niavara]: “I got you, let me, let me do my thing.”
[Jordan]: “And so she walks over and casts a Lesser Restoration on him and it seems like 7 starts breathing a little bit easier, but like none of the symptoms go away.”
[Niavara]: “Well, that should hold him for a little bit. At the very least. Pardon my language- shit!”
[Saithe]: “Yeah, same.”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, I honestly it’s a- it’s well warranted”.
[Niavara]: “Yeah, I haven’t seen this in a very, very long time. A few… few hundred years. Honestly, I’m, I kind of thought this had stopped, but apparently not.”
[Saithe]: “You don’t look a day over 20.”
[Niavara]: “Ah, you know, that’s like juvenile for my race- you know what, nevermind. Okay, so…unfortunately, there’s not really like a cure for it…um…”
[Arlo]: “We-we have a lead on a cure that we will follow up on.”
[Niavara]: “Oh.”
[Arlo]: “But we wanted to give him our, our best fighting chance. We, I-I guess what I’m saying here is that we need to ask a favor of you in- in return for letting you have a look see at this amulet here.”
[Saithe]: “In case we die.”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, we want you to to keep an eye on our friend here and try to keep him stable while we handle things on our end.”
[Niavara]: “Alright, um… I-I suppose I can do that, do we want to keep him sedated? How far along has he reached the point of aggravation yet?”
[Arlo]: “Oh very much so.”
[Winterra]: “Ohh!”
[Niavara]: “Okay he’s staying unconscious.”
[Arlo]: “Whole time, I’d recommend.”
[Jordan]: “He actually starts to like rustle a little bit, and then Niavara immediately snaps her fingers and he just clunks right back down.”
[Niavara]: “Not having any of that in my office.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is just like in the background, rubbing the bruise on her chin.”
[Niavara]: “Alright. So what exactly was that lead you were talking about? ‘Cause I.. like I said This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered this. I may be able to help out a bit. Not, not much, but… I’m aware of some rumors I’ve heard on a potential cure.”
[Saithe]: “Does it have anything to do with the Feywild?”
[Niavara]: “Okay, you’re already aware then.”
[Saithe]: “Yep.”
[Niavara]: “Do you know how to get to the Feywild?”
[Drew]: “Arlo just kinda like looks over at Winterra, expectantly.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Caitie]: “Yeah, Saithe does too, like we both just like slowly look in her direction.”
[[Christina laughs harder]]
[Christina]: “Terra, just like thinks for a second and she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “I mean… I’ve seen… mushroom circles, like fairy circles. When I was child? But it’s been a minute.”
[Jordan]: “Forngal’s eyes go super wide with glee.”
[Christina]: “She’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Don’t ever eat those. You will never return to the same plane again. I’ve run into some squirrels that have never seen their friends again, so don’t do that.”
[Drew]: “Now I have to imagine like a squirrel stuck in the Feywild because it ate a wrong mushroom.”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god.”
[Drew]: “And then that makes me think like where do- like, where do all of the squirrels in the Feywild come from? Are they all like squirrels that fucked up and ate one of those mushrooms that they’re not supposed to? Are squirrels an invasive species to the Feywild?”
[Jordan]: “Can we get back on topic please.”
[Christina]: “Anyway, but she but she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “I don’t know that I’ve seen any recently enough. You know, I haven’t been in my forest for awhile.”
[Niavara]: “Well, from what I can tell you, I have heard that there is a portal deep, deep within the Midnight Woods. Now, apparently only someone who is deeply tied to the Feywild themselves can even access this portal. However, getting there is very dangerous. There are Guardians of this portal or so the legends say. Large, beast-like creatures who lurk the portal’s entrance and will do anything to keep it safe.”
[[Christina is trying to hold back laughter during this next scene immediately catching on]]
[Winterra]: “What do you mean by anything?”
[Niavara]: “I’ve heard of some people who have gone there. Supposedly they found the portal, but when they come back… They don’t have knees!!”
[Winterra]: Laughs “Oh okay! I know how we can find it. We’re all good. We’re fine, we’re good.”
[Drew]: “I… fucking can’t right now- I cannot. I absolutely cannot.
[Niavara]: “So I beseech you to be extremely careful when looking for this portal in the woods. Maybe your family can help you. I know they’re native there.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is just like standing contrapasso. Looking at Winterra with a… I don’t even know how to explain the look she’s giving Winterra.”
[Winterra]: “Oh, they can help alright.” Chuckles “We’ll be fine. Alright, alright we’ll be good.”
[Niavara]: “Do you know something I don’t?”
[Winterra]: “Don’t worry about it. It’s not relevant information.”
[Drew]: “Oh my god is that gonna be our new catch phrase?”
[Jordan]: “I sure hope not.”
[Caitie]: “It didn’t seem like relevant information.”
[Jordan]: “You shut up.”
[[Drew and Christina laugh and Jordan is trying to compose himself]]
[Niavara]: “Alright, well, apparently you all have what you need. Let me take a look at the charm so I can see exactly what it does and-”
[Drew]: “Arlo kind of nods to Saithe for her to give her the- the amulet.”
[Caitie]: “She do.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so she walks it over to a table and sort of draws in like an incantation circle of some kind, and it then begins to glow and Niavara herself, sort of lurches back. Her eyes begin to glow white, and she just starts muttering this weird incantation silently to herself, you can’t pick out any of the words for it, but it sounds ancient and archaic. And after a moment she lurches back forwards.”
[Niavara]: “Oh, that’s… oddly simplistic.”
[Jordan]: “And she turns back to you guys.”
[Niavara]: “This isn’t anything that complicated actually, this is just it’s… it has a continual use of Calm Emotions on it, and I think this literally just does what Sisava was saying it did, it just calms down Granaphor.”
[Saithe]: “So they could easily replicate this then.”
[Niavara]: “Yes, this is- I could make this!”
[Arlo]: “But that, but what that means is that there’s likely no other effects being levied on Granaphor. That means he means what he says.”
[Niavara]: “Well, that’s- I don’t know if that’s reassuring or not.”
[Arlo]: “Well, on one hand, I think it does mean that he considers the yuan-ti around him his friends, but on the other hand it also means that he’s a decent guy somehow?”
[Saithe]: “Are any of the yuan-ti selling jewelry in town?”
[Niavara]: “Um? I mean, the only one who’s really engaging in businesses is Nnelg and he’s from a different tribe, entirely, at least so…no.”
[Winterra]: “Hm.”
[Arlo]: “See I told you guys Nnelg was alright.”
[Niavara]: “Wait, did you not trust Nnelg?”
[Arlo]: “I mean I trust Nnelg.”
[Niavara]: “Course, Nnelg’s great!”
[Arlo]: “Yeah Nnelg’s the fucking best.”
[Niavara]: “Damn straight! Sorry….”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so who all is-obviously you three are going. I’m assuming the plan is also for Rhelynn and Forngal to tag along with you guys?”
[Caitie]: “Yeah!”
[Christina]: “Sure.”
[Drew]: “Yeah, probably.”
[Jordan]: “Alright cool so 7 will be kept under Niavara’s watchful eyes while you all go off to reconvene with Winterra’s parents.”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, Niavara you might want to keep that charm just actually just put it around his neck, I’m just going to do that just to be safe.”
[Niavara]: “I mean, I’m not planning on, letting him wake up for any reason until you get back so…”
[Arlo]: “I know just you know, covering all of our bases here.”
[Niavara]: “He’s not gonna wake up.”
[[Music shifts back to general adventuring music]]
[Jordan]: “You guys are already familiar with the path, it doesn’t take you too, too terribly long to get through there.”
[Christina]: “Terra turns and warns the other two before they enter the forest.”
[Winterra]: “Don’t set anything on fire.”
[Christina]: “And she glances at Saithe.”
[Winterra]: “Especially you.”
[Saithe]: “One time!”
[Winterra]: “Yeah, you get one!”
[Christina]: “And she turns and starts walking.”
[Jordan]: “Rhelynn actually like leans in over to Arlo like-”
[Rhelynn]: “Did… did Saithe actually set the forest on fire when you guys first came here?”
[Arlo]: “Yeah, it was the whole thing. We fought this like zombie tree corpse thing.”
[Rhelynn]: “You what??”
[Arlo]: “Oh yeah. We-we get up to. We get up to some pretty interesting stuff. While you guys aren’t around.”
[Rhelynn]: “This has been a hell of a mission.”
[Drew]: “I mean, think about it. Like the shit that we’ve gone through like that corpse thing. Just kind of like fell by the wayside. It wasn’t even important ’cause we fought a damn dragon.”
[Rhelynn]: “Also true. Gonna have to deal with that when we get back.”
[Arlo]: “And then there’s that guy that stuck in Winterra’s ring that we really should address.”
[Rhelynn]: “Wait what?”
[Arlo]: “Don’t worry about it.”
[Saithe]: “Oh yeah, Pindleton? How’s he doing lately?”
[Winterra]: “I haven’t heard from him, he’s brooding.”
[Saithe]: “The man did just find out that he died.”
[Jordan]: “So you guys manage to make it back to Winterra’s Home Cave. And you guys as you get there, you see Ulric and Eirwin arm wrestling on top of a log.”
[Christina]: “Have they noticed us yet?”
[Jordan]: “No, they are deeply engrossed in their dick measuring contest.”
[Christina]: “Ah, great!”
[Drew]: “Arlo leans over to Terra and just goes-”
[Arlo]: “Ten bucks on your dad.”
[Winterra]: Whispers “I have a better plan.”
[Jordan]: “Oh no.”
[Arlo]: “I’m listening.”
[Christina]: “Terra is gonna take a running leap back at her brother again.”
[[Drew and Jordan laugh]]
[Jordan]: Still laughing “Okay.”
[Drew]: “Just like street rules, motherfucker!”
[Jordan]: “Yep, roll to hit.”
[Christina]: “That’s a 16 on the die.”
[Jordan]: “He’s like really focused in on this and then like the corner of his eye he just looks up and sees you barrelling at him, but he has no time to react and you just pounce his ass.”
[Caitie]: “Get it!”
[Winterra]: “Payback!”
[Jordan]: “For the sake of efficiency we’ll just say whoever beats this athletic check wins.”
[Christina]: “Okay. Oh my God, that’s a nat20!”
[[Theme music plays]]
[Arlo]: “Yeeaaah!”
[Jordan]: “Um, yeah, no, you fully just pin his ass down. He did not see it coming and he was fully unprepared. So you just like pin him straight to the ground.”
[Drew]: “Jordan…Is it an RKO from out of nowhere? He gets that split second of realizing and then he knew that Winterra was here- Oh god, as my witness, he’s broken in half! She’s coming from the top ropes!”
[Winterra]: “Always gotta be watching!”
[[Music goes back to regular adventuring music]]
[Eirwin]: “Ow!”
[Winterra]: “You’re welcome!”
[Jordan]: “As you’re pinning him down, you would get scooped up from behind as your father lifts you up for a big hug again.”
[Ulric]: “Welcome back!”
[Winterra]: “Hey dad! We have a problem.”
[Ulric]: “Oh right, sorry!”
[Jordan]: “And he puts you back down.”
[Winterra]: “You’re good. Well, so we- I found out that apparently… We guard, uh, an entrance to the Feywild, and… we might need to go there.”
[Ulric]: “Oh, that’s a question for your mother.”
[Winterra]: “Oh! Where is she?”
[Ulric]: “Honey!”
[Jordan]: “And from behind, like- deep in the forest you just kind of hear running and you see your mother just burst out from the forest, full shifter and just lands on all fours in front of you before shifting back to her normal self.”
[Holly]: “Yes, dear?”
[Winterra]: “Hi mom.”
[Holly]: “Hi sweetie, everything okay? I wasn’t expecting to see you again quite so soon. Did you finish your mission?”
[Winterra]: Sighs “No, we have a problem.”
[Holly]: “Oh.”
[Winterra]: “I heard that we guard a.. entrance to the Feywild. We need to go there. One of our friends apparently has brood poisoning and we’ve heard there’s a cure in the Feywild.”
[Jordan]: “Her eyes go very, very wide, as seems to be the trademark tradition of telling someone they have brood poisoning.”
[[Christina giggles]]
[Holly]: “Oh um, yeah, come with me.”
[Jordan]: “And she just kind of like, very much like on autopilot just starts walking very quickly into the forest.”
[Christina]: “Terra gestures behind her like-”
[Winterra]: “Alright, let’s go.”
[Drew]: “Now we follow along.”
[[Music shifts to a slower tempo]]
[Jordan]: “She guides you deep into the woods and you eventually come across this small pond that has a waterfall flowing into it from some rocks up above. And she says-”
[Holly]: “Okay… So normally in order to get to the Feywild from here you can only do it under the light of a full moon.” Pauses “Normally.”
[Winterra]: “Mhm…”
[Holly]: “However- if what you’ve said is true and your friend has contracted brood poisoning, you don’t really have until the light of the next full moon. So, we’re gonna cheat a little bit.”
[Arlo]: “Ah, we have to moon the gate.”
[Holly]: “If you pull your pants down, I swear to god, me eating your knees will be the least of your concerns.”
[[Christina/Winterra giggle]]
[Drew]: “Arlo buckles his pants back up.”
[[Drew and Christina laugh]]
[Caitie]: Fed up “Oh…”
[Jordan]: “You see Forngal also tightening his pants realizing that was a bad idea.”
[Holly]: Sighs “No. No. Druid magic.”
[Jordan]: “And so, she actually casts Moonbeam -at a very high level- down onto the lake bed. And it begins to glow with this radiant light, the likes of which you’ve never seen before, it almost looks like the moon itself is in this pond. And she turns to you and says-”
[Holly]: “Okay, so. Some things you need to know before going into the Feywild. Um, one. They don’t really operate on rules…they’re kind of eccentric. The only thing you can really rely on is not being able to rely on anything I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not it’s very confusing there. Basically, if you think something makes sense, it doesn’t. And vice versa.”
[Winterra]: “Great.”
[Holly]: “Um, two…if you want to find this cure you’re going to specifically need to speak with the heads of one of the Fey Court. That’s either going to be Lady Titania from the Summer Court, maybe… Lord Hyrsam from the Fall court- it really depends on where you land just being able to get there and speaking with them is important um…formality’s not really a big thing there, like I said their rules are different to nonexistent it- you…you’ll figure it out just…” Sighs “You should be fine. Just please, please be careful.”
[Winterra]: “Okay, we will. Should we not eat anything? I know that’s a weird children’s fairytale I’ve heard in some of the towns.”
[Holly]: “No it’s complete bull. It’s fine, you can eat whatever you want there, they’re actually quite hospitable and it does- that whole like, you eat my food you’re my slave for- no that’s, they make that up to mess with people.”
[Winterra]: Chuckles “Okay.”
[Holly]: “So, yes. Just, please be careful and make sure when you ask to, when you get the cure, please also specify that you would like to come home. Because they may not think to do that before they ask you to leave.”
[Winterra]: “Do we have a certain amount of time? Before this portal closes?”
[Holly]: “Oh, no! They’ll just reopen the portal.”
[Winterra]: “Oh! Cool, cool…”
[Holly]: “No no, this has kind of become a standardized process, most of these rules are because again the Fey are kind of unpredictable so we kind of have to bring some rules to them to make things, it’s extremely, it’s more just tedious than complicated than anything else just, you should be fine.”
[Winterra]: “Alright.”
[Holly]: “I love you sweetie.”
[Jordan]: “And she sort of like encourages you guys to get in.”
[Christina]: “I thought she was about to shove us in there, like- Love you bye!”
[Jordan]: “I thought about it.”
[[Drew and Christina chuckle]]
[Drew]: “She’s like- Well, love you! Picks you up by the ankle and slams you into the pond.”
[[Christina continues chuckling]]
[Jordan]: “Like- Who’s next bitch!”
[[Christina and Drew chuckle more]]
[Drew]: “The mother is the true wrestling champion.”
[[Christina giggles]]
[Jordan]: “Alright, so y’all jump in?”
[Caitie]: “Yeep.”
[Christina]: “Yep.”
[Drew]: “Yep yep.”
[Jordan]: “Alright. You all jump in.”
[[Music shifts to a light ethereal guitar tune]]
[Jordan]: “And you would expect this to be some sort of magical thing but you just jump in and then you’re just kind of on solid ground. Like, almost immediately.”
[Winterra]: “Hm.”
[Saithe]: “Oh!”
[Jordan]: “And you guys find yourselves in the middle of this forested path but the forest appears to be in the middle of autumn. All the trees are bright colors- reds and yellows and browns and even some colors you don’t usually see on trees during this time of the year, and deep blues, regal purples. It feels oddly out of place and yet somehow like it’s always belonged. The beauty of this place is borderline unnatural and yet feels like the most complete version of nature you’ve ever seen.”
[[Music stops]]
[Jordan]: “And as you guys are taking all of this in, you guys suddenly hear come from Winterra’s sheath-”
[Morgran’s voice]: “Stranger danger, stranger danger, we’ve got trouble bitches!”
[[Christina dies of laughter]]
[Caitie]: “OH GOD!!!”
[Drew]: Groaning “OH MY GOOOOD.”
[[Outro starts playing]]
[Jordan]: “And that is where we shall pause our tale for now!”
[[Christina laughs harder]]
[Jordan]: “Hey guys! Thank you all so much for listening! Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper. Trying to add these to the end of each of our episodes now so just a little something extra for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, in place of our usual plugs and promotions we wanted to ask everyone to do what they can to help out in our current situation. Especially for our fellow American listeners, things are pretty rough right now. So remember to do what you can to keep yourself and others safe. Wear a mask in public, wash your hands, practice social distancing, and try and stay home whenever possible. Also, with elections coming up, please remember to vote. It’s more important now than ever that we practice this basic right and do what we can to help get things back on track. On a more casual note, please feel free to support us on patreon if you can! It helps us to improve the show and even comes with some benefits like early access to new episodes and access to our aftershow -Peek Behind the Screen- where we talk about what happened in the episode and see what everyone’s thinking about what happened and what’s to come. You should also follow us on our social media: Facebook and Instagram at Agents of Damned, and Twitter at AgentsofD. If you want to get more involved with the show, please send in requests for magic items, spells, or even NPCs. Until next time, bye!”
[[Outro ends followed by a record scratch]]
[Caitie]: “Alright, I’m…I’m gonna…I’m gonna use this moment to go pee real quick.”
[Jordan]: “Was that as Saithe or as Caitie?”
[Caitie]: “As…as Caitie.”
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Drew]: “No, both!”
[[Drew, Jordan, and Christina laugh]]
[Caitie]: “Definitely both.”
[Drew]: “Saithe is like- I have to go pee! And just walks away!”
[Jordan]: “Thank you?”
[Drew]: “No, Saithe just says- I have to go pee. Does not leave the room, just walks into a corner like- Everyone leave!”
[[Christina, Jordan, and Drew laugh]]
[Christina]: “I feel like if anyone would do that it would be Terra, not Saithe.”
[Jordan]: “That’s her catch phrase whenever she needs to do something personal.”
[Drew]: “Everyone leave!!”
[[Drew is still laughing, and Christina chuckles again]]
[Christina]: Composing herself “Ohhh…”
[Jordan]: “I’m polishing my horn, don’t look at me!”
[Drew]: “Except for you. You, look at me.”
[Jordan]: “NO!”
[[Drew laughs again]]
[Jordan]: “Oh my actual- NO!”
[Drew]: Still laughing “Oh shit.”
[Jordan]: “Ugh…”
[[Another record scratch]]
[Caitie]: “Aaaand we’re back! Alright, let’s…let’s continue, we were at ‘Damn straight.’”
[Jordan]: Chuckles “Oh yeah!”
[Drew]: “Also you…” Laughs “While you were gone we decided that you peed in the room and just tell everyone to leave or some shit.”
[Jordan]: “You know, like when you po-”
[Caitie]: “Wait, what?”
[Jordan]: “Like when you polish your horn. Like- Don’t look at me! Same thing, you just do it in the corner of the room.”
[[Drew chuckles]]
[Caitie]: “Fair enough!”
[Drew]: “Saithe is just like-”
[Jordan]: “DON’T AGREE TO THAT!”
[Drew]: “Everyone leave!!”
[Jordan]: “Don’t you ever agree to the dumb shit we say!! NO!!”
[Caitie]: Uncaring “Eh!”
[Drew]: “She’s agreed!”
[Jordan]: “What’s wrong with you??!”
[Drew]: “Saithe polishes her horn in front of everyone all the time.”
[Jordan]: Regretfully “Oh…”
[Christina]: “Oh god…”
[Caitie]: “That- that sounds like Saithe.”
[Drew]: “Everyone’s just gotten way too used to it, like Arlo keeps a book with him to use as a buffer to not see.”
Agents of DAMNED 