Having overheard Sisava, his sister, and Ash planning ill for the town of Silverymoon, the Agents and 2nd Chance prepare to make for a hasty escape out of the Yuan-Ti temple. But things may not be as simple as they expect.
Transcript
Change of Plans
[[Intro music plays followed by lighthearted adventuring music]]
[Jordan]: “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED, our let’s play DnD podcast featuring myself, your sometimes benevolent often malevolent dungeon master- Jordan Roman. And, as always I am joined by my fellow players-”
[Caitie]: “Hi guys, I’m Caitie and I play Saithe!”
[Christina]: “Hey guys I’m Christina and I play Winterra!”
[Drew]: “And I’m Drew McClain and I play the good doctor Arlo Agon.”
[Jordan]: Humming, then in singsong “Y’all gonna fucking die.”
[Christina]: Quickly “God I hope not.” Chuckles
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Drew]: “Never gonna die!”
[Caitie]: “That would be one short ass podcast.”
[Jordan]: “What are you talking about, we made it to 11 episodes, I think that’s pretty good. Well, I guess 10 episodes and 5 minutes but semantics.”
[Christina]: Giggles “Just let me know if I need to go get my box of d6’s so I can start rerolling I guess.”
[[Drew chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “Yes, I hope you all have your secondary characters already set to go, this has been a fun prologue.”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Drew]: Amused “Episode 11 is like 10 mintues long and the title of it is just like, ‘Woops’.”
[[Christina and Jordan laugh]]
[Jordan]: “Titled, fuck you listeners.”
[Drew]: “Episode 11: They done goofed.”
[[Christina and Drew laugh]]
[Jordan]: “Alright, so why don’t we go ahead and have ourselves a quick little recap so everyone knows what the fuck we talking about, because as you know episode 11 is a great jumping on point.”
[Drew]: Affirmatively “Mhm.”
[Jordan]: “So, last time the Agents and Second Chance spoke with Niavara to inform her about the yuan-ti’s manipulation of the townspeople. Initially enraged by this information, Arlo did manage to eventually calm her down. The teams then proceeded to ask her about how the remainder of the election was to be held. Niavara told them that aside from personal campaigning the candidates would only be together in the same location two other times in the coming week. The first was for the final debate two days before the final count. The final count itself being the only other time during the announcement of the results. As the Agents and Second Chance departed with this new information, they noticed the yuan-ti were looking at a dagger held within the grand archives. Saithe, using her godlike stealthy abilities, learned that the dagger was called the Fang of Merrshaulk.
Arlo asked Raiann to have Bookworm look into the history of the dagger, to better understand the yuan-ti’s inexplicable fascination. Arlo then cast detect magic to verify that the citizens of Silverymoon were indeed afflicted by a form of enchantment magic, that put them into a charmlike effect. He also took the opportunity to see if the Fang of Merrshaulk was also magical, but was surprised to find out it was an ordinary dagger. As both teams prepared for the stealth mission that laid before them, Raiann reported on Bookmoon’s findings- the Fang of Merrshaulk was little more than a ceremonial dagger that the yuan-ti used for sacrificial rituals to their gods. Later that night, the teams followed Sisava out of the town and into the yuan-ti temple that lay between the mountains to the east.
After sneaking past some monstrous looking yuan-ti, and tricking some of them into a late night snack, the Agents found Sisava as well as a second hooded figure speaking with Ash. The three were conspiring to steal back the Fang of Merrshaulk. Ash insisted their plans would proceed faster if they simply used a strange black crystal he possessed. But Sisava and his sister insisted they were capable of manipulating Granaphor on their own. It was then that Ash detected Modi, who was disguised as one of the monstrous yuan-ti and killed him. However, Modi instead burst into a small flame and returned to Saithe’s side. However, the Agents and Second Chance must now escape from the temple before Ash or Sisava and his sinister serpentine sister manage to catch them. And thus we resume our tale!”
[[Adventuring music ends]]
[Caitie]: “Did anybody else hear Jordan say ‘Bookmoon’ instead of Bookworm?”
[Drew]: “I also heard that and was like should I say anything and was like, nah…”
[[Caitie and Christina chuckle]]
[Drew]: “…it’ll be a massive dick move to say anything about that, I’m sure it’ll be fine!” Laughs
[Jordan]: “No, so instead you wait until the very fucking end to let me know and now I look like a jackass.”
[[Caitie giggles]]
[Drew]: “Well in fairness you also like left out like the raw sexual tension between Raiann and Arlo over their phone call.” Laughs
[Christina]: “So-”
[Caitie]: “God yeah! What’s up with that?”
[Christina]: “So anyway! Speaking of midnight snacks, Terra’s going to immediately turn after that large, like eruption of sound and she’s gonna look at Saithe and she’s gonna go-”
[Winterra]: Whispering “Saithe, can you distract the Snagons, and send them in that direction?”
[Caitie]: “Saithe nods, she puts up her hood and she sneaks towards the kitchen as best she can.”
[Jordan]: “As you do this, Rhelynn actually speaks up and says-”
[Rhelynn]: Whispering “Wait, hold on a second! Something’s wrong! Where’s 7?!”
[[Mysterious music plays]]
[Winterra]: “What??”
[Drew]: “Oh my goooooooood.”
[Caitie]: “Dun dun duuuuuuuun.”
[Christina]: “Fucking 7!!”
[Drew]: “Noooooooo.”
[Jordan]: “And you guys look around and 7’s gone.”
[Christina]: “God dammit 7.”
[Drew]: “Son of a bitch.”
[Christina]: “Fucking up my entire plan.”
[Jordan]: “So at this point Rhelynn starts freaking the fuck out.”
[Rhelynn]: Quickly and hushed “Oh my god, oh my god, where did he go, where the fuck did he go, he’s not gonna do anything stupid is he? Oh my god no, this is what he always does he always does this oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-”
[Winterra]: Alarmed “What do you mean he always does this??”
[Jordan]: “And then out of nowhere Forngal goes up and slaps her straight in the face like-”
[Forngal]: “Hey, calm down! It’s good.”
[Rhelynn]: “Right, sorry, thank you. Anyway, what’s the plan?”
[Winterra]: “Well my plan, was if we got the snagons to go towards the chamber I could tidal wave all of them backwards and we would get the fuck out of here. But, depending on where 7 is, that won’t work anymore.”
[Rhelynn]: “Ah, well like we said. He tends to do this a lot, so I mean… in theory he should be fine? He’ll just disappear sometimes and then kinda show up later saying ‘it is done’ or something like that.”
[Winterra]: “Uh! …oh-okay. So should-”
[Rhelynn]: “It’s-it’s normally fine, don’t worry about it.”
[Winterra]: “Ah…”
[Caitie]: “Saithe pulls out her little drawing script – remember she can’t, she can’t whisper, and she’s just gonna draw an angry frowny face on it.”
[[Christina giggles and Jordan snorts]]
[Jordan]: “Glorious. So while you guys are doing all this I actually need you guys to go ahead and roll initiative.”
[Christina]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “Also if you guys happened to download that map that I sent you, now’s a good time to access it.”
[Christina]: “Yeah, I’ve got it pulled up right now actually.”
[Jordan]: “Good.”
[Drew]: “I have a 15.”
[Caitie]: “I have a 22.”
[Christina]: “Nice.”
[Jordan]: “Of fucking course you do. Alright, Saithe you’re up first.”
[Caitie]: “Y’know what, she’s gonna trust that 7 knows what to do… and if not it’s his own god damn fault for running away. She’s gonna go with your plan.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, so you’re going to make your way back into the kitchen area?”
[Caitie]: “Mhm.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so with where you are right now, which would be the little gold star on the map, without taking a dash action the most you’d be able to do would be get like the entrance of there-”
[Christina]: “I think that’s all she needs to do.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, I don’t need to go into the kitchen, just enough to call their attention.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah no, you’re able to peek in. Now I’m assuming that you’re going from like the little side passage and not the one that Ash is y’know-”
[Caitie]: “Barrelling down? Yes.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, that one.”
[Caitie]: “No, I don’t plan on doing that.”
[Jordan]: “Okay so yeah you are currently at the side entrance, er- one of the side entrances that you guys initially came through.”
[Caitie]: “So Saithe is going to call out into the kitchen-”
[Jordan]: “Well hold on, before you do that I want to make this perfectly clear that what you see in that room, you still see the initial 6 snagon that you saw the first time you guys came through; however, there’s also the other 6 that you guys tricked into going to grab a snack. They also apparently caught up with the other group that went through here. So there’s a total of 18 snagon in there.”
[Christina]: “Excellent.”
[Jordan]: “So just so you’re aware of the numbers you’re working with.”
[Christina]: Reiterates “Excellent.” Giggles
[Jordan]: “Anyway, proceed.”
[Caitie]: “She’s gonna call out into the kitchen that, in as dumb a snagon voice as she can manage, y’know while both sounding bright and chipper and happy as she is that their lord and masters need their assistance in that chamber area. Not our main chamber you know what I’m trying to say?”
[Drew]: “Can’t you use thaumaturgy to imitate one of their voices?”
[Christina]: “Mhm.”
[Caitie]: “She’s gonna mimic one of their voices then, I’m gonna use… thaumaturgy, is that what it’s called?”
[Drew]: “Yep, yep!”
[Jordan]: “Yes.”
[Drew]: “There’s a bunch of other effects you can use but for this particular thing that’s probably the useful thing.”
[Jordan]: “Go ahead and roll me…deception.”
[Caitie]: Under her breath “17…18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23…” Normally “23!”
[Jordan]: “They all look up and the ones that are eating say-”
[Snagon]: “But…but food.”
[Jordan]: “And then the ones that were patrolling just kind of hiss at them and they all stand up and on their turn they will start to make their way over there.”
[Caitie]: “Okay. Can I use my action to go back to the group?”
[Jordan]: “Uhm, no. Because that was your movement action the first time so absolutely not. Next up that is actually going to be Ash. So let’s see, from where he is-”
[Drew]: Sarcastically “Who’s Ash?”
[Jordan]: “Give it a second you’ll find out real fast.”
[Christina]: Dismayed “Ugh.”
[Drew]: “Ohhhhh, you’re talking about uh- fuckboy supreme.”
[Jordan]: “Oh this next part is gonna be fun.”
[Christina]: Laughing “Stop egging him on! We want to survive this!!”
[Drew]: Doubling down “Fuckboy supreeeeme!”
[Christina]: Pleading “Stop!”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Jordan]: “So. Ash is going to make his way down there, and I want to see if he can tell if it’s you guys specifically… Alright yeah, so he’s not fully aware that it’s you guys just yet.”
[[Christina sighs relieved]]
[Jordan]: “But he starts saying-”
[Ash]: “Whoever’s down there, you might want to come out now. I have very little patience for rats that have lost their way.”
[Jordan]: “And so he’s going to make his way down the hallway- he doesn’t quite make it to you guys, from where he’s at he makes it about to the other entrance. Terra you’re up.”
[Christina]: “Great. I think I’m just going to straight up hold my action for now.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, then next up that is going to be Rhelynn. So she is going to turn to you Winterra and-”
[Rhelynn]: Hushed “I don’t know what your plan is but hopefully this helps!”
[Jordan]: “And she’s going to cast Shield of Faith on you.”
[Christina]: “Oh cool!” Pauses “What does that do?”
[Jordan]: “You have plus 2 for your AC for the time being, as long as she maintains concentration.”
[Christina]: “Okay!”
[Jordan]: “Arlo, you’re up!”
[Drew]: “I guess I’m just going to hold an action.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, that brings it over to Forngal. Let’s see what he’s going to do… Forngal is just going to enter his symbiotic entity state, the Brood Guard are actually up next. So they start making their way over towards the main amphitheater. Saithe, I need you to go ahead and give me a stealth check since they are passing by the hallway that you are in. Just to see if they potentially see you.”
[[Caitie maniacally giggles]]
[Jordan]: “Now I know the odds are against you, but don’t give up.”
[[Caitie still making maniacal sounds]]
[Christina]: “I want to know what that number was.”
[Caitie]: “I’ll tell you what that number was. That number was 37.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Drew]: Breathes in deeply “Children the number of the day is 37. As in, Jordan asked for a stealth check and Saithe said I got a 37, so fuck off.”
[[All players are now laughing]]
[Jordan]: “I mean, no but actually yes.”
[[Players continue laughing]]
[Jordan]: “Yeah, in case it wasn’t super obvious. The dingbags don’t notice ya.”
[Caitie]: “I’m just like, it’s like when you’re level 100 stealth in ‘Skyrim.’ And you’re just standing there and the guards don’t even like-”
[Christina]: “-look at you.”
[Jordan]: “I hear a whisper on the winds”
[Caitie]: “Standing- I’m not only standing right in front of the guard at this point, I’m pick pocketing him, like taking all of his clothes off and he still doesn’t see me.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Drew]: “That is still the funniest thing in the world to me. No, that was my favorite thing to do in Skyrim, it’s hilarious to imagine, like reaching into your pockets and then like touching your bare thigh and being like ‘what?’ and then your pants aren’t there. And you’re like what the hell and you look at your shirt and your shirt and your shirt is gone. And you’re just like what happened – and the guy next to you is clearly holding all your shit and you’re just like I dunno.”
[[Jordan chuckles]]
[Caitie]: “Wasn’t me! Alright let’s do this, they don’t see me.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, because of the size of the room they’re not able to fully get over there but they’re like right outside the hallway that would lead there.”
[Christina]: “Mkay.”
[Jordan]: “Saithe you’re back up.”
[Caitie]: “I’m gonna try to sneak past to my people.”
[Jordan]: “Like you’re gonna go back?”
[Caitie]: “To my people.”
[Jordan]: “Well I mean you don’t need- you’ve already done the stealth, you’re good on that you can just use your movement to go back.”
[Caitie]: “Cool.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, you’re back with them.”
[Caitie]: “I’m gonna hold action for now.”
[Jordan]: “Cool. Ah, and now the moment I’ve been waiting for.”
[Caitie]: “Wait a minute, hang on.”
[Jordan]: “God dammit, don’t tease me like that.”
[Caitie]: “Just a second…”
[Christina]: “Can I say from during my- from during the first round, since I was holding my action during the first round that I just, I used my shifting as a bonus action to gain, gain some…”
[Jordan]: “I mean you can hold the action until your turn but if you just want to go ahead and say you retroactively shifted then yeah that’s fine.”
[Christina]: “Okay.”
[Caitie]: “Alright, I’ll hold action.”
[Jordan]: “Okay cool, so like I was saying – it is Ash’s turn. At this point his movement is able to make it up to where you guys are. So whoever, so Saithe and Arlo, you two have held actions – he is rounding the corner now, would you like to do anything?”
[Drew]: “Is he, like is it just Ash who’s making his way up there or is it Ash and Sisava and company?”
[Jordan]: “As far as I know, none of you have bothered to look so…”
[Drew]: “Well I mean I think we could fucking fight Sisava, so I would like Ash to make me a Wisdom saving throw please.”
[Jordan]: “Uh…does a 24 pass?”
[Drew]: “Yes, a 24 passes Jordan.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, then no.”
[Drew]: “Okay…riveting.”
[Jordan]: “Saithe, do you have a thing you’d like to do with your held action or do you want to keep on holding?”
[Caitie]: Sighs “No.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, well Forngal is actually going to go ahead and since he’s in symbiotic entity he’s gonna try and use circle of spores. Oh, um, yeah no he does not… That unfortunately fails. So Arlo and Forngal you guys try and do your things to Ash as he rounds the corner but he just, without even realizing it’s happening just kind of passively brushes them off. But he sees all of you, and you all see something from Ash that you have not yet seen before. You guys have seen Ash twice now and both times he had this sort of smug arrogance to him. Like he thought he was the greatest thing in the world and no one could stand in his way. But now, instead of arrogance, his face is riddled with rage. An unbridled fury the likes of which you have only seen in your worst of nightmares.”
[Ash]: Snarling “You! You couldn’t take the hint, could you? Well I guess that’s fine. I’ll just have to show you that you’re no match for me and you would be better off out of my way!”
[Jordan]: “And he specifically looks at you Arlo. And for a brief second that smug arrogance of his comes back.”
[Ash]: “I just remembered something.”
[Jordan]: “And he pulls out a little sheet of paper.”
[Drew/Arlo]: “Hah!”
[Ash]: “I believe you gave me a prescription to fill, didn’t you?”
[Arlo]: “I mean, I think I know where this is going and no you may not suck my dick.”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Ash]: “Oh no, no, no. I believe it says a large one. Fortunately I think you could still help in a different way.”
[Christina]: Quickly “We need an adult.”
[Jordan]: “And you all hear an audible pulse.”
[[Pulsing sound echoes through the temple and the music picks up tempo]]
[Jordan]: “And Ash is enveloped in a dark cloud of energy as he begins to grow, and grow. And soon, his size eclipses all of you. His teeth grow to fangs, his fingernails grow sharp like daggers into claws. His skin turns a blackish gray, as scales grow over. His cape rips in half turning into large draconic wings. Horns rip out from beneath his hair, curling back into his head. And as he slams his giant claws down, his newfound tail slamming into the ground behind him, he breathes down on all of you and says-”
[Dragon Ash]: “With 5 large dicks here, even you all should keep me good for the week.”
[Jordan]: “Terra you’re up.”
[Christina]: Pauses “Well…um…”
[Jordan]: Maybe too excited “How’s that one work for your plan?”
[Christina]: “Yeah I don’t think any amount of tidal wave is going to be big enough to fucking-”
[Jordan]: “Nope!”
[Christina]: “-swamp a dragon.”
[Jordan]: “Uh-uh!”
[Christina]: “Great. Alright, um…rethinking that…let’s see here…so Terra turns to the group a little bit like side eyed, she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Uhm…somehow, I didn’t imagine this as a part of the plan. New plan, let’s get outta here.”
[Caitie]: “New plan – run.”
[Christina]: “And she…would you classify a dragon as a shapechanger?”
[Jordan]: “Uhm…”
[Drew]: “Well considering it just changed its shape I feel like it’d be hypocritical for it to not be.”
[Jordan]: Amused “I think you can eat a bag of dicks but I’m also prone to agree on that one so yeah.”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Christina]: Excited/hopeful/quickly “OKAY. Alright, alright. So here’s what I’m gonna do! Terra is going to- alright, I have a plan. I have a little bit of a plan.” Starts pulling out dice “Terra’s gonna be like, look at everyone, she’s gonna say like-”
[Winterra]: “We need to move. But first-”
[Christina]: “She’s gonna cast Moonbeam on the spot he’s at. So-”
[Jordan]: “Okay…”
[Christina]: “The language of this spell is, ‘A silvery beam of pale light shines down in a 5-foot radius, 40-foot-high cylinder centered on a point within range.’ Which is him. Um, until the spell ends which is my concentration up to a minute-”
[Jordan]: “Mkay.”
[Christina]: “-dim light fills the cylinder. If a creature enters the spell’s area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there, it is engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain, and it must make a Constitution saving throw.”
[Jordan]: “Okay.”
[Christina]: “On a failed save it takes 2d10 radiant damage or half as much damage on a successful one. A shapechanger makes its saving throw with disadvantage.”
[Jordan]: “Okay!”
[Christina]: “If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form and can’t assume a different form until it leaves the spell’s light.”
[Jordan]: “Okay…”
[Christina]: “On each of your turns after you cast the spell you can use an action to move the beam 60 feet in any direction.”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god, get it Christina!”
[Jordan]: “Cool, alright…”
[Christina]: Pleading “Please roll bad, please roll bad, please roll bad!” Normally “Alright, yeah. Constitution please.
[Jordan]: “Let’s see, with disadvantage that’s going to be a 17.”
[[Christina sighs dejectedly]]
[Jordan]: “Oh wait no, I’m sorry. That’s just his base con. His con modifier is actually way higher than that. Um..24.”
[Christina]: As an aside “God, why does he have such fucking high rolls I hate them so much…”
[Jordan]: “He’s a fucking dragon!!”
[Christina]: “God…okay.” Defeated Yeah, no… so.”
[Jordan]: “He still takes damage.”
[Christina]: “He just takes half damage.”
[Jordan]: “Okay.”
[Christina]: “But he still stays a dragon…” Rolls and sighs “That was my plan…ooh that wasn’t terrible…um…”
[Jordan]: “Not a bad plan.”
[Christina]: “13, so halved to what is that, 6?”
[Jordan]: “Um, yeah that’d be halved to 6.”
[Christina]: “And it’s radiant damage. And then, I’m going to start moving.” Laughs nervously “As far as I can get with my movement.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, that could get you about to where Saithe was so if you get like just past the next room and into the corridor that leads into the big area.”
[Christina]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “After that, he’s going to take a legendary action.”
[Christina]: “Alright…”
[Jordan]: “Christina, you are out of his range on this one since you managed to get into the hallway, I need everyone else to make a Dex saving throw.”
[Drew]: “Alright, that’s a 10.”
[Caitie]: “I…rolled a 20. Wait! 23.”
[Jordan]: “Okay cool. You’re the only one who saved.”
[Caitie]: “Sweet.”
[Jordan]: “So, Ash starts to beat his wings and a powerful wind comes through. Saithe, you’re able to hold your ground. But everyone else takes 17 bludgeoning damage and is knocked prone.”
[Caitie]: “I have a question.”
[Jordan]: “I have an answer.”
[Caitie]: “Can I use my held action to hold somebody else in place with my tail?”
[Jordan]: “Roll me a…roll me an athletics check.” As an aside “Because I also need to double check something else…” Rolls “Ooh hatchee, that’s no good! Christina, your shield of faith is gone.”
[Christina]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “She did not hold concentration for shit.”
[Caitie]: “21.”
[Jordan]: “Who do you want to hold upright? You can do either Rhelynn, Arlo, or Forngal. That is their respective turn orders by the way so…”
[Caitie]: “You know what, I’m going to go with Arlo. ‘Cause he’s our cleric.”
[Drew/Arlo]: “Thanks buddy.”
[Jordan]: “So with that it is now Rhelynn’s turn.”
[Caitie]: “Wait does that mean that he wouldn’t take the damage anymore since he wasn’t knocked prone?”
[Jordan]: “Erhm, no. He still failed his save so he takes damage but he’s just not knocked prone.”
[Caitie]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “Which means he still has his full movement speed.”
[Caitie]: “Kay.”
[Jordan]: “Which the other two do not. So Rhelynn is going to use her action, er- her movement to stand up and… so she is going to point a finger at him and Rhelynn’s going to cast Ray of Enfeeblement.”
[Caitie]: “Get it girl.”
[Jordan]: “Ooh wow. Not her best day.”
[Caitie]: “Damn it Rhelynn.”
[Jordan]: “Rhelynn is like freaking the fuck out over this and she misses by a country fucking mile. And so she’s just kind of stuck there doing absolutely nothing. That is going to be Arlo’s turn.”
[Drew]: “I’m going to cast a third level guiding bolt.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, do it.”
[Drew]: Rolls “That’s a 24.”
[Jordan]: “What kind of damage is that?”
[Drew]: “Radiant damage. It’s going to be 27 radiant damage.”
[Caitie]: “Woooo.”
[Jordan]: “Hot diggity damn.”
[Drew]: “And I’m going to use my movement action to run the same way Winterra did.”
[Jordan]: Amused “Alright cool, you have caught up with Winterra. That is going to be the Brood Guard. They make their way through, actually let me roll for that real quick to see if they’re smart enough to think of something…” Rolls “Okay, they are. So yeah, they make it through the hallway, they do notice Ash and they decide to start working their way over so they are now heading over his way. But they can’t do anything this turn.”
[Caitie]: “Oh great.”
[Jordan]: “So Forngal is now up, and he is going to use his movement to stand up as well. Okay, well this is going to end horribly, so Forngal is going to look at him, and since this is a verbal component only spell say-”
[Forngal]: “Hey, dragon guy! Can’t see me!”
[Jordan]: “And he’s going to cast Blindness/Deafness on him.”
[Caitie]: “Niiiice.”
[Jordan]: “Or he’s going to attempt to anyway, this is probably not going to go terribly well.”
[Christina]: “Oh I hope so, I hope it works, please work. Please let SOMETHING work.”
[Jordan]: Amused “It’s a Con saving throw.” Normally “What is Forngal’s DC… not good enough! Uhm, yeah no he shrugs that off too.”
[Winterra]: “Good try buddy!”
[Christina]: “Winterra shouts from the hallway.”
[Jordan]: “He turns back like-”
[Forngal]: “Thanks!”
[Jordan]: “However, Ash is going to take his last legendary action for the turn and make a tail attack on Forngal for being a fucking dumbass.”
[Drew]: “Jordan I would rather you kill one of the player characters than kill my precious Forngal.”
[Jordan]: “Well lucky for you he rolled like dogshit.”
[Christina]: “Oh good.”
[Jordan]: “Unlucky for you, he has really good pluses.”
[[Christina sighs]]
[Jordan]: “So he swings his tail down and slams down on Forngal.”
[Forngal]: “Oww…guys, I think he got rid of my temp HP. That hurt a lot.”
[Jordan]: “With that we are back up to the top of the turn order, Saithe- you up.”
[Caitie]: “How big is Forngal?”
[Jordan]: “About average size, maybe like, 6 foot somewhere around there?”
[Caitie]: “I’m gonna grab him since he’s the most woefully injured and make my action to head into the hall as quickly as possible.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, roll me athletics to see if you can successfully pull him along.”
[Caitie]: “19?”
[Jordan]: “I’ll say with that you’re able to get him to the entrance of the hallway but wasn’t quite enough to get you all the way there. But you can at least now see Arlo and Winterra again.”
[Caitie]: “Okay!”
[Jordan]: “Alright, that is going to be…Ash.”
[Christina]: “And before you do anything make another con saving throw.”
[Jordan]: “Right!”
[Christina]: “With disadvantage!”
[Jordan]: “Oh right, thank you. Didn’t make much of a difference his first roll still was shittier. 21.”
[Christina]: “Okay, he still takes some damage.”
[Jordan]: “Okay.”
[Christina]: “14, so halved to 7 radiant damage.”
[Jordan]: “Cool.”
[Christina]: “Okay, now do whatever.”
[Jordan]: “He looks virtually undeterred in case that wasn’t obvious.”
[Christina]: “Mm.”
[Jordan]: “So he is now going to as his first actual full turn as a dragon he is going to let out a blood curdling roar.”
[[Horrifying dragon roar]]
[Jordan]: “So I need everyone to make a Wisdom save.”
[Caitie]: “I got a 16.”
[Christina]: “Okay, that’s a 23 and… a nat 20!”
[Jordan]: “Hot damn!”
[Christina]: “Um, but 25.”
[Jordan]: “I’ll say for saving throws nat20’s can mean something.”
[Christina]: “Okay!”
[Jordan]: “I feel like that’s something that’s clutch enough.”
[Drew]: “I got a dirty 21.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, wow. You have no idea how fucking lucky you were on that one. Saithe, you unfortunately did not pass.”
[Caitie]: “Mmkay.”
[Jordan]: “So you are now frightened. And there are literally no other thoughts going through your mind other than I need to get the fuck away from this thing as fast as is humanly possible. Nothing else matters.”
[Caitie]: “So basically like Winterra’s plan.”
[Christina]: “Just the same plan! Get the fuck out!” Nervously chuckles
[Jordan]: “Except in your mind they don’t even exist right now. It’s just exit now, nothing else.”
[Caitie]: “Kay.”
[Jordan]: “On that note, he is now going to rear his head back and I now need Saithe, you to make a dexterity saving throw.”
[Caitie]: “Mkay…22!”
[Jordan]: “Okay yeah, you manage to pass on this one so you’re going to take half damage as he rains black flames down on you. So…”
[Caitie]: “I also have flame resistance.”
[Jordan]: “Thank you, I know. Unfortunately he rolled real fucking good! You take 5 fire damage-”
[Caitie]: “I know I’m scared right now, but can I cast hellish rebuke?”
[Jordan]: “Let me finish dealing damage and then yes.”
[Caitie]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “You also take an additional 2 necrotic damage.”
[Caitie]: “Yee.”
[Jordan]: “Kay, so you’re going to go ahead and use hellish rebuke?”
[Caitie]: “Yes.”
[Jordan]: “Alright cool.” Rolls “17?”
[Caitie]: “Dammit yeah, that passes.”
[Jordan]: “Alright. Now this is the part where I would normally tell you to go ahead and roll your damage and half it, but he’s immune to fire damage so that was all a formality. And with that it is now Winterra’s turn, oh also, one other minor detail I forgot to mention – Rhelynn’s down.”
[Christina]: Under her breath/quickly “Fuck.” Normally “Okay, question about adding temp HP to a character that’s down, does that stabilize them?”
[Jordan]: “Yes.” **
**Transcript note: Technically the rules of DnD say this answer is no, however in our game we’ve changed some things (some of which are on the fly unknown decisions, and this is one of those times).
[Christina]: “Okay…so the first thing that happens is a 30 foot radius of light appears with a little baby bear in the center. And she’s going to gain 10 temporary HP, or whatever that would do to stabilize her, including everyone else in this zone gets 10 temp HP, and you also now get advantage on strength saving throws and checks.”
[Drew]: “Nice.”
[Christina]: “So then the next thing that’s going to happen is…that literally directly in front of him, so not in Rhelynn’s path at all, and also 30 feet – it’s 30 feet long so I assume possibly some of the snagons are going to get hit by this depending on where they’re at in that hallway, literally just fucking surf, the spell just appears. So I need any creatures that are affected by this to make a Dex saving throw.”
[Jordan]: “Well I’m assuming a 21 is going to pass so Ash is good.”
[Christina]: “He’ll just take half damage.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, and as for the snagons…does an 18 pass?”
[Christina]: “They do, so they just take half damage, and they’re not knocked prone.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, two sets of snagons take it like champs, the third group of snagons not so much.”
[Christina]: “Okay, so they’re also knocked prone if they failed that save and they’ll take the full amount. Alright, so that was 25, and that’s whatever you want to half that to so…”
[Jordan]: “That’d be 12.”
[Christina]: “12? Yeah 12, and they’re knocked prone if they passed. I guess the only other thing I’m going to do is um, have a brief vocal interaction before moving and like reassure that Arlo can help get Rhelynn out? Or if he needs help. So she like turns to Arlo, she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Are you going to be able to help get her out or do you need my help?”
[Drew]: “Can Rhelynn move?”
[Christina]: “She’s stable.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, she’s stable. Like she has some health so she can move again. That’s also dependent on whether or not Ash does some more fuckery.”
[Drew]: “I was just going to to some healing stuff, I don’t think I’m near Rhelynn anymore I moved 30 feet away.”
[Christina]: “Okay so I’m going to move, like along that wall to try to stay as much out of this fucking fire area as much as possible, but get closer to her in that corner of the room.”
[Jordan]: “I mean you can get back to her, that was your starting area and you’ve only taken one full movement since then. You can still get to her.”
[Christina]: “Okay, yeah. Then I’m gonna try to get to her and then like reassure that she’s okay now and then reiterate to her that-”
[Winterra]: “We need to go.”
[Rhelynn]: “Yeah, nope, trust me, well aware, he’s making it very difficult though.”
[Christina]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so that’s it for you?”
[Christina]: “Yeah, that’s the most I can do for now.”
[Jordan]: “Cool. As heavily implied,legendary action. He is going to make another tail attack, this time at you Winterra.”
[Christina]: Sarcastically/Egging on “Great. Have fun.”
[Jordan]: Amused “I will, I have been. 28, er 26 I’m sorry.”
[Christina]: “To hit?? Yeah, that hits.”
[Jordan]: “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to be too brutal on that one. Mm…I am sorry. 19 bludgeoning damage.”
[Christina]: “Well thank god I had temp HP.”
[Jordan]: “On that note roll me a concentration check because I’m pretty sure you’re maintaining a con spell.”
[Christina]: “But guess who gets advantage on those!”
[Jordan]: “I hope for your sake it works! Since you took 19 damage it is a DC 19 check.”
[Christina]: Sarcastically “Great…” Normally “No, that was only going to be a 17 so barely not. So the light like flickers from where it was shining, the moonlight flickers out and, but she does take the hit and she like- she kind of grimaces but she tries to play it off like it didn’t hurt. But it kinda hurt. So she’s just like not…she’s not happy about that but she’s still trying to play it off.”
[Jordan]: “Right. It is now going to be Rhelynn’s turn and it’s time for her to do some shit.”
[Caitie]: “Get it Rhelynn.”
[Jordan]: “So the first thing that she is going to do is she is going to look at you and say-”
[Rhelynn]: “Alright, I feel like hitting him’s kind of out of the question, but I can still help us a little bit.”
[Jordan]: “And she’s going to cast mass healing word.”
[Christina]: “Sweet.”
[Jordan]: “So unless I misread it earlier I’m pretty sure because of her specific cleric domain that her healing spells always max out so in her case it is going to be a d4 plus her spellcasting modifier so everyone gets 4 HP back.”
[Drew]: “It’s a d4 plus her spellcasting modifier so shouldn’t it be 4 plus whatever?”
[Jordan]: “…Yes. I’m balancing a lot of things man, I’m sorry.”
[Drew]: “It’s all good.”
[Jordan]: “So yeah it’d be 7 HP I’m sorry. And then, she’s going to look at you and say-”
[Rhelynn]: “Can you make it back over there or do you need me to stick with you and help out?”
[Winterra]: “Nah, I’ll be good. You need to go!”
[Rhelynn]: “Okay, gone!”
[Jordan]: “And she’s going to move 30 feet and she is now next to you Arlo.”
[Drew]: “Cool.”
[Jordan]: “Who’s turn it now is. What’s up?”
[Drew]: “How’s everybody doing on health?”
[Christina]: “I’m at max, I’m fine.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, same.”
[Jordan]: “Rhelynn and Forngal have seen better days but Rhelynn is next to you and she’s probably the worst off at health but she’s not in Ash’s direct line of sight. Forngal’s decently beefy so he should in theory be okay for another hit. Not much past that.”
[Drew]: “God damn, guiding bolt has a fucking 120 foot range.”
[Jordan]: “That’s disgusting.”
[Drew]: “Again, I’m just like I don’t want this to be the only spell that I cast all the time but it is often the best spell. It is my fireball essentially.”
[Jordan]: “I mean it’s a good fucking spell.”
[Drew]: “So I’m going to use my only other third level spell slot available to spitefully shoot a bunch of fucking holy energy. At this shitty, shitty dragon man that’s gonna be… a 22.”
[Jordan]: “Just hits.”
[Drew]: “20 damage and I’m gonna use my movement action to continue escaping.”
[Jordan]: “Cool. Alright, so with where you’re at I’ll say you were able to clear past like the area that like- the big room that you would currently be in. You can get past that and into the hallway that like leads back into the exit.
[Drew]: “Cool.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, next up is going to be the Brood Guard. So they’re going to make their way over towards Ash. And say-”
[Brood Guard]: “Why you big now?”
[Jordan]: “And Ash is going to turn to them and say-”
[Dragon Ash]: “The intruders are over here. Get them!”
[Jordan]: “And they very nervously are like-”
[Brood Guard]: “Yeah, OK, sounds good.”
[Jordan]: “But they had to use their whole movement to get there. So for now, oh- actually, you know what? They’re going to dash action actually, and double back the way that they came, so they’re gonna try to round you guys off. Ash is gonna take once again his last legendary action for the round and cast- and use another wing attack so Saithe, dex save please.”
[Christina]: “And me, I guess.”
[Jordan]: “Well, no, you’re… Oh yeah, shit you are in there, fuck!”
[Christina]: “So non-nat 20 and a non-nat 19 so non-nat 20.”
[Caitie]: “And then I got a 23, non-nat 20.”
[Jordan]: “Of course you did. Unfortunately, Forngal did not pass, so you two are fine. Forngal is going to take some damage and be knocked prone once again.”
[Christina]: “Great. If only this was a strength saving throw.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, that’d be pretty baller, but for some reason it’s a dexterity saving throw. Don’t know why! That does change up half of what I was going to do with that, so I mean, congratulations on stopping that aspect of it. I guess. Actually, you know what? No, I really do have no reason not to do that. He’s going to use the second half of wing attack actually, and move half his flying speed and enter the room. So now it is Forngal’s turn. Once again, he’s going to use his movement to get the fuck up. He is going to look up at Ash who he’s basically underneath right now, he’s like-
[Forngal] “I said, you don’t see me!!”
[Jordan] “He’s going to clap his hands together and cast Fog Cloud.”
[Christina]: “What does Fog Cloud do?”
[Jordan] “It creates a cloud. Of…of fog.”
[Christina]: Sarcastically “Thanks, how descriptive.”
[Jordan] “It’s a first level spell. There’s not much to it. Back to the top of the order- Saithe!”
[Caitie]: “Heeey. I’m… I’m gonna get the fuck out.”
[Jordan] “ All right… From where you are at, I would say you would be able to… Not get to- not get quite to where Arlo is, you would still be in the main room, but you can, you be like close to the entrance to the hallway to where Arlo is.”
[Caitie]: “Mmkay.”
[Jordan] “Is that it for you? You don’t have anything else you want to do?”
[Christina]: Chuckling and offering an idea to Caitie “Just like try to confuse the stupid ones. Try to send them in the wrong-”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god, you’re right.”
[Drew]: “You can let me do it. Yeah, I think you only get…Oh wait, no, never mind.
[Jordan] “No, Thaumaturgy’s a cantrip, but even as a tiefling when she can just do that as much as she fucking wants. It’s the other things that are limited.
[Caitie] “Yeah, I’ll use Thaumaturgy then and… and be like-”
[Saithe mimicking a Brood Guard]: “They… the enemies they went this way instead.”
[Jordan] “That was an impeccable Ash impersonation, I must say.
[[Christina giggles]]
[Caitie]: “Oh, I thought I was tricking the dumb- like being a dumb one. Okay um…”
[Jordan] “I don’t- I mean if that’s what you were doing, then that’s okay too it’s either way. Top notch!”
[Caitie]: “Thank you!” Chuckles “The chamber up at the top right corner, that’s where they were having their conversation right?”
[Jordan] “Yes.”
[Caitie]: “Okay, what was that room called? Was it just like a library or..?
[Jordan] “…Chamber of Commerce. I don’t fucking know, I didn’t name the rooms-”
[Saithe, now imitating Ash]: “Quickly, they flee into the Chamber of Commerce.
[Christina]: Laughs “Oh my God.”
[Jordan] “You can just barely hear out of the hallway.
[Brood Guard]: “The what..? Where… what… where…”
[Jordan] “Role deception.”
[Caitie]: “29”
[Brood Guard 1]: “Do you know what Chamber of Commerce is?”
[Brood Guard 2]: “Uh, well kitchen this way… maybe that way?”
[Brood Guard 1]: “Alright.”
[Jordan] “And on their turn they will be dumb asses once more. Okay, roll me another wisdom saving throw.”
[Caitie]: “20 non-nat.”
[Jordan] Sighs “Damn so close uh, no, unfortunately you’re still afraid.”
[Caitie]: “Kay.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so that is now going to be Ash’s turn. Let me see if he gets his fire breath back…” Rolls “You guys are some lucky bitches.”
[Christina]: Quietly “Thank god.”
[Jordan]: “Unfortunately, he’s a big boy, so he gets many attacks. He is going to bite at Forngal… Unfortunately, Forngal did not know this, he has blindsight, so Fog Cloud was really sort of a formality at this point.”
[Christina]: “Poor Forngal…”
[Jordan]: “He’s doing his best. I swear, he’s really trying.” Rolls
[Caitie]: Sighs, then pessimistically “I don’t think Forngal is going to survive this.”
[Jordan]: “Nah, he’ll be fine. He just needs to have the DC, er- an AC of higher than, let’s see…26! …He does not. Forngal’s down.
[Christina]: Super sarcastically “Great.”
[Jordan]: ”Buy a lot… Then he’s going to make 2 claw attacks at Rhelynn.” Vocalizes negatively “He… crit. She’s down too… Second Chance is down.”
[Caitie]: “I mean not completely the other one, just you know…”
[Christina]: “Fucking poofed.”
[Jordan]: “The relevant, currently present members of Second Chance are down.”
[Christina]: Again, sarcastically “Great.”
[Drew]: “I don’t have enough spell slots… I don’t have any spell slots for Mass Healing Word anymore.”
[Jordan]: “Terra, you’re up.”
[Christina]: Scheming “Alright, so actually would you argue…and here’s a thought.”
[Jordan]: Knowingly “Here we go.”
[Christina]: “Would you argue that something like an ape? Or a black bear…Or even like a panther, or… what else is big? Something like that that’s used to dragging prey with it up trees and such and just carrying large objects could theoretically drag some people that are unconscious the fuck away?”
[Jordan]: “The only thing I will ask on that one… Is, do any of them have any form of, like darkvision or blindsight, or anything of that nature?”
[Christina]: “Panthers just have really good smell…”
[Jordan]: “I’m willing to allow that, and yeah, I’ll say that things that can like naturally just drag off prey are capable of toting for the lack of better term- corpses.
[Christina]: “Great! Love that! So let’s see… These are challenge rating half, which means I get… four of them. So, I would like to invoke my bear brethren, I’m going to clap together and I would like to summon four black bears, please. And-”
[Jordan]: “And like that four black bears suddenly appeared.
[Christina]: “This is slightly different from my previous plan of what I would like to have summoned, but this works better for right now, so I’m going to go with this plan so… I’m going to summon them.
[Jordan]: “Okay…”
[Christina]: “So they all go- RAAAAAWR.”
[Jordan]: “Your people in bear costumes are very convincing.”
[Christina]: Chuckles “Technically they’re fairies in bear costumes. If you want to be particular about it, but you know. So…”
[Jordan]: “I mean, I was joking- what??”.
[Christina]: “No, that’s literally how the spell is phrased. They’re fairies- they’re fairy spirits that are… that take the form of the animal.”
[Jordan]: “Oh my god she’s disney world!”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god…”
[Jordan]: “They come out singing bare necessities.
[Christina]: “Oh goodness…I’m gonna start moving and I’m gonna like finger gun at them, be like-
[Winterra]: “You know what to do.”
[Christina]: “And take two of the bears with me and send two of the bears to go get them.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, What’s the speed of a bear?”
[Christina]: “Their speed is…”
[Jordan]: “That’s a weird question I just asked…”
[Christina]: “40 feet with a climbing speed of 30, so they’re actually faster than me.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, I’ll say with that the two bears can actually like grab Forngal and Rhelynn and get up to about where Saithe is at so they can actually be in the column room.”
[Christina]: “Sweet.”
[Jordan]: “Are you going in that same direction ’cause you made it sound like you weren’t?”
[Christina]: “No, like I’m I’m still going in that same direction.”
[Jordan]: Relieved “Oh, okay. You said two with- two on them two with me. I was afraid you were about to do something really stupid.”
[Christina]: “No, no! I just meant like the two of the bears are going to go get them and the other two are just leaving with me- like as my protectors.
[Jordan]: “I’ll also go ahead and just say you did the smart thing and hopped on one of them so you get that extra 10 feet of movement so you’re good there.”
[Christina]: “Yeah.” Giggles “A giant bear riding another bear!”
[Jordan]: “Oh shit, are you still shifted?”
[Christina]: “It’s not a concentration thing.”
[Jordan]: “Oh my god, that’s amazing.”
[Caitie]: “I need fan art.”
[Jordan]: Mimicking a carnie “Folks we got bears on bears in here!”
[Caitie]: Reiterating “I need fan art.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Drew]: In singsong “Bears on bears on bears, bears on bears, on bears.”
[Jordan]: “On that… Ash is going to go ahead and take a legendary action just going to use a wing attack, but y’all are out of there so he’s really just to clear the clouds and to give him half his flying speed. He is now just out of the hallway so he is in that room with you guys. Arlo you’re up.”
[Drew]: “How far away is our unconscious druid friend from me?”
[Jordan]: “They are both back in the room. I would say there may be, about… between 20-30 feet from you.”
[Drew]: “Okay, I’m gonna cast Healing Word on our funny high druid ’cause I don’t want him to die. And I don’t want Rhelynn to die either, but there’s-”
[Jordan]: “I was about to say, you know like fuck Rhelynn the bitch!”
[Drew]: “Look we go in order of comedic value to my entertainment.”
[[Jordan and Christina laugh]]
[Drew]: “He’s gonna get 6HP. And I’m gonna continue moving my movement speed away from this chicanery.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, you are further down the hallway. You are like- you really only have, like in two turns you can leave here.”
[Drew]: “Hm, neat.”
[Jordan]: “Alright… So that actually brings it up to Forngal’s turn. I didn’t think I was gonna have to do anything for him, now I gotta look at his shit again. So I’m gonna say like as he pops up-”
[Forngal]: “AH! Portobello, what? Oh um…”
[Christina]: Chuckling quietly “Portobello…”
[Saithe]: “I had portobello for dinner last night…”
[Forngal]: “Cool. Hey, where’s Rhelynn- oh shit. Hey Rhey! You good?”
[Jordan]: “And he’s going to cast Healing Word and so yeah, she’s gonna go back up for also 6.”
[Christina]: “How does he react to being carried away by a bear like in a bear’s mouth? Like just by the collar.” Chuckles
[Drew]: “I mean, he is also a bear.”
[Jordan]: “He’s also a shifter. I didn’t say he was also a bear. I don’t know what kind of shifter he is.”
[Drew]: “Oh I thought he was a bear shifter.”
[Jordan]: “I dunno, he’s some kind of shifter.”
[Drew]: “How do you not know?
[Jordan]: “’Cause I didn’t think about it.”
[[Drew chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “It wasn’t the most important part as far as I was concerned.”
[Caitie]: “That’s fair.”
[Jordan]: “He’s probably very nonplussed about the whole thing like-”
[Forngal]: “Sup dude.”
[Drew]: “And the bear’s like- Rahhh.”
[Christina, as a bear]: “Rrahh!”
[[Drew, making a much better bear sound]]
[Jordan]: “Alright, so that actually brings us back to the top of the order with Saithe.”
[Drew]: “Rrah?”
[Jordan]: Snickers “Shut up.”
[[Drew and Christina laugh]]
[Jordan]: Composing himself “Damn it!” Seriously “Saithe.”
[Caitie]: “Yes?”
[Jordan]: “You hear a whisper in the back of your mind.”
[Caitie]: “Oh thanks. I hate it.”
[Asmodeus]: “You seem to be having some trouble. Perhaps you can use a bit of my power.”
[Caitie]: “Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Boon time.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, so. What I have just offered you in this particular case because of how the severity of this particular situation- I’m going to offer you a choice.
[Caitie]: “Go on.”
[Jordan]: “You may either roll the boons as per normal. Pray to whatever D&D deity you think will answer your call that you get something that’s not absolute dog shit.
[Drew]: “A DnDeity… if you will.”
[Jordan]: “Pray- pray to the will of RNJesus hope that he is on your side.”
[[Christina giggles]]
[Jordan]: “Or- you can forgo the role and take one very specific boon. I will not tell you what it is, but I will tell you it is the one that is: one the most helpful to you right now and two, comes with the heaviest drawbacks.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, I was about to ask you what the catch was.”
[Jordan]: “Oh no, there’s always a catch. This is high risk, high reward. But as of your present situation, it is maybe the single most helpful boon on that list. You could still roll it. If you want to just take that chance. But otherwise you can simply take Asmodeus’ offer as is. That to be clear, this is not like you making a deal with the devil- entirely separate. This is just you taking a boon.”
[Caitie]: “Okay…”
[Jordan]: “But I- out of character as the DM am willing to offer you this one time only deal given your context. You may take the dangerous but helpful boon if you wish to forego the role.”
[Caitie]: “Can you tell me what the dangers are of taking the boon before I take it?”
[Jordan]: “Nope. Because that would give away what the boon is. The only thing I will say on that, that- and this is the most I can give without giving it all away. You might become a danger to your allies.”
[Drew]: “Well, come on Jordan, you can give it away, give it away, give it away, give it away now.”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god.”
[Jordan]: Sarcastically/maybe not entirely sarcastically… “Specifically, Arlo, you may want to kill him the most.”
[Drew]: “What I got, you gotta give it to your mama. What I got you gotta give it to your Papa.” Laughs
[Jordan]: “No you’re def- Yeah, you’re specifically going to kill Arlo is what the catch is. He’s going to die a horrible brutal death, no death saving throws…unceremoniously murdered by someone who… ”
[Caitie]: “What do I become like, an ultimate dragon slayer or something?”
[Jordan]: “I’m not telling you. You have to either accept the deal, or grab a d20, and hope luck is on your side.”
[Caitie]: “How about 19?”
[Jordan]: “Let’s see what a 19 is… So. You hear Asmodeus whisper in your ear one more time.”
[Asmodeus]: “I bestow upon you the influence of one of my greatest generals. The twisted words of the Great Malbolge are now yours to control.”
[Jordan]: “And one of the gems on Modi’s collar shatters.”
[Caitie]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “You have now obtained the Influence of Malbolge, which means once a day you can cast suggestion.
[Caitie]: “Oh, he has to make a wisdom saving throw.”
[Jordan]: “There is a reason I was willing to make you a deal, but you said no.”
[Caitie]: “Well, I don’t want to kill Arlo.”
[Drew]: “Wait. How does the coin work again?”
[Caitie]: “Oooh.”
[Jordan]: “Uh, the coin would not help in this case. It just takes a roll and either makes it a critical fail or a critical success.
[Drew]: “But is it only our roles?”
[Jordan]: “…Let me pull up the coin, see what I wrote and I will let how I wrote that be the determiner there… I did not specify!”
[Christina]: “Oh!”
[Caitie]: “Ooooh.”
[Drew]: Smugly “I recommend utilizing the coin.”
[Caitie]: “Alright. Let’s do this.”
[Jordan]: “What is your suggestion?”
[Saithe]: “Ash! Fuck off you scary son of a bitch!”
[[Christina chuckles and you can hear Jordan flip a coin]]
[Jordan]: “So. As you speak those words, you see a reddish black smoke emit from your mouth. And it wraps around Ash’s head. And for a moment he staggers back and forth, shaking his head wildly. It looks as if he’s about to give way. Now under normal circumstances- I would just use a legendary resistance. I’m going to be nice, and have him reroll the save and see what happens. In a blood curling roar, he manages to shake it off.”
[Caitie]: “God damn it.”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, he’s got legendary- like that was a good fucking idea. Don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, he has legendary resistances. Is that it for you Saithe?”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, I’m gonna keep moving back.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, you catch up with Arlo. If that is it, go ahead and roll another wisdom saving throw. See if you can break free from the fear.”
[Caitie]: “21 on a nat20.”
[Jordan]: “You’re not sure if it was just you yelling at him or Asmodeus’ new power was what did it? Or if you just kind of had enough of this asshole’s shit, but you break free from the fear.”
[Caitie]: “Hella.”
[Jordan]: “So you can now do shit normally. Again, you don’t necessarily feel the need to run away all the time, though I imagine that’s still probably the plan.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, that’s that’s probably a fair statement.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, that brings it to Ash’s turn. Can he fire breath?” Rolls “Super not.”
[Christina]: “Oh thank goodness.”
[Jordan]: “He can still do other things though. Including a bite attack that he’s going to make on Winterra, since you’re the one who decided to summon bears so he sees you as the biggest problem. Yeah, no hits, it fully hits.”
[Christina]: “Mkay.”
[Jordan]: “That’s going to be a…
[Caitie]: “Throw a bear at him! Throw a bear at him!”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “Not her turn unfortunately, so that is going to be 21 piercing damage?”
[Christina]: “Fuck! Really?”
[Jordan]: “Yes… And then 14 fire damage. You still up?”
[Christina]: “Uh, no, so we’re going to encounter something interesting… So. So basically what happens is as he does that she literally, like falls through the bear. The bears disappear and she is like normal tiny Terra. Normal tiny compared to normal not tiny Terra.”.
[Jordan]: Amused/sarcastically “She becomes a child.”
[Christina]: “Not quite, but yeah.”
[Jordan]: “No I realize, it was just a joke. Alright, so unfortunately he has two other attacks and there are still two other people with very very little health. Let’s see how he did.” Rolls “They’re both down. That comes back to Terra, and as you stated, because of the Periapt** you stabilized immediately- Rhelynn and Forngal are both down around you though.”
**Another transcript note: Here’s another note where we realized in a later episode this was managed incorrectly, this is corrected in the future for any later times the periapt comes up in combat. We’re still learning some on the go for this game too! 🙂 ]]
[Christina]: Stressed “Here’s- this is like literally the last thing I can possibly fucking do that would like even remotely try to get us out of here? Are any of my allies near me that are still up?”
[Jordan]: “No they’re in the next room.”
[Christina]: “I doubt I can get them on my back as fucking horse without help.” Blows a raspberry
[Jordan]: “Hey that was a good horse noise.”
[Christina]: Chuckles “Terra’s like… As she’s like quickly like looking around like cursing under her breath she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “This would be a really fucking good time for that asshole to show the fuck back up where the fuck did he go, he’s abandoning his fucking teammates this dick!”
[Christina]: “She’s so mad at 7 right now, you have no idea how mad she is with him for like abandoning part of his team. Just walking the fuck off.”
[Jordan]: “ I imagine eerily similar to how all of you feel about 7 right now.
[Christina]: “Rhelynn is next after me?”
[Jordan]: “Yes.”
[Christina]: “I’m going to use one of my potions of healing on her.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, it’s going to heal her for 10 HP.”
[Christina]: “And then, I’m gonna like point at Forngal and be like-”
[Winterra]: “He’s down again. We need to go.”
[Christina]: “And like start like trying to move and like try to like help drag him out of way.
[Jordan]: “Alright, so you’re, are you going to try and like help move Forngal? Or are you just going to like book it after you healed her?”
[Jordan]: “Terra is going to ask her. She’s going to say-”
[Winterra]: “Do you want me to help move him or should I go?”
[Rhelynn]: “Just just go for right now. We’ll, we’ll take care of this. Don’t worry, it’s fine.”
[Winterra]: “Ugggggh.”
[Christina]: “Terra makes that sound. She grunts and she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Ugh, I don’t like this!”
[Christina]: “And then she starts like trying to get to safety a little bit ’cause she knows she can’t help if she’s dead.
[Jordan]: “Okay, so you’re just going to meet up with Arlo and Saithe?”
[Christina]: “Yes, and she just looks like… completely crestfallen and angry.
[Jordan]: “Alright… That is going to be Rhelynn’s turn. So… You guys, since none of you were actually in the room, all you guys hear is just the sound of earth being displaced? As Ash lets out a roar.”
[[Dragon roar]]
[Jordan]: “And then you hear-”
[Dragon Ash]: “What is this???! What the hell did you do to my foot!?”
[Jordan]: “And then you just hear Rhelynn say-”
[Rhelynn]: “Suck…butt!! I don’t know. I’m not good at this.”
[Jordan]: “And then you just kinda, you see her like shuffling off with an unconscious-”
[Drew]: “Suck butt…”
[Jordan]: “She’s not good at this. Second Chance- they’re trying their best. You see Rhelynn with a still unconscious Forngal over her shoulder as she kind of lik-, manages to just get past the corner like she’s not able to fully catch up with you guys and she just says-”
[Rhelynn]: “I figured slowing him down might be a little bit better right now.”
[Winterra]: “Truth.”
[Jordan]: “But you also see that in her other hand she is like kind of like suspending herself up with what looks like a giant shovel.
[[Christina and Caitie both let out sounds of amusement from stress and the ridiculousness of that image]]
[Winterra] Still giggling “What the fuck, is that?”
[Saithe]: “Saithe has one eyebrow raised. She’s so curious, but like there’s no time to question.”
[Jordan]: “So that is going to be, Ash’s gonna take a legendary action. See if he can’t like, try and escape- he does not. You just hear grunting from the other side. It gets like, progressively angrier and angrier.”
[Dragon Ash]: “Gah!! Gonna fucking kill you!!!”
[Winterra]: “Well, I hope not.”
[Jordan]: “So that is going to be Arlo.”
[Drew]: “Huh. That completely changes what I was gonna do.”
[Christina]: “That’s the theme of this episode!”
[Jordan]: “Well, there goes my plan.”
[Drew]: “Gonna bonus action…Healing Word our, our hilarious druid friend.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, uh, how much does that heal him for?”
[Drew]: “That heals him for 5HP.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, he pops back. He’s like-”
[Forngal]: “Holy shiitake, what?! Oh we’re still in here.”
[Drew]: “How many of these, did you memorize Jordan? How many of these did you prepare ahead of time?!”
[Caitie]: “I mean, yeah, no. I’m also curious.”
[Jordan]: “We’ll talk about that later.”
[Drew]: “Arlo is gonna hold position until Forngal and Rhelynn are passing.”
[Jordan]: “All right. So Ash’s gonna take another legendary action, see if he can’t break free- that time he does. So you just hear the ground up and…followed by a very very angry roar.”
[[Dragon’s roar]]
[Jordan]: “That is going to be Forngal’s turn. So what he’s going to do just to help move this along. He and Rhelynn are both going to like, catch up with you guys and then he’s going to turn around and cast Spike Growth on the hallway entering.”
[Caitie]: “Nice.”
[Christina]: “That is partially useful. I have that one ready also. Just haven’t had concentration available to do it.” Chuckles
[Jordan]: “Well, he’s been dropping concentration left and right, so.
[Christina]: “Yep.”
[Jordan]: “Or was that consciousness. Either way, there you go, I don’t know.”
[Christina]: Laughing “Both.”
[Jordan]: “Back to the top of the order, we have Saithe.”
[Caitie]: “Yeah, we should probably get Forngal to a hospital. Passing out as well as many times as he has it. It’s probably not a good thing. I’m more than a little concerned that there might be a concussion.
[Jordan]: “He looks at Saithe like-”
[Forngal]: “Oh hey, 7. When’d you get here?
[[Players laugh]]
[Drew]: “In all honesty, like is concussed Forngal any different than regular Forngal?”
[Saithe]: “It’s still not a good thing.”
[Caitie]: “I don’t know why I’m not talking in her voice, but-”
[Forngal]: “7, when’d you get boobs?
[Saithe]: “I-”
[[Drew laughs]]
[Forngal]: “They look good.”
[[Drew laughs harder]]
[Saithe]: “I don’t. I don’t know how to respond to this. We should probably go though he’s- he’s coming.”
[Caitie]: “I’m gonna hold action and just keep running.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, as you make your way down that hall I need you to roll me an intelligence. check real quick.”
[Caitie]: “18.”
[Jordan]: “So as you’re going down because of everything that has been happening. You for a moment, forget about the trap. In your panic, to get out, you unknowingly step on the switch. And I need you to make a dexterity saving throw.”
[Caitie]: “22 much better.”
[Jordan]: “You managed to dodge a good number of the darts as they fly out. One of them slightly grazes your tail, but not really enough to like, do anything.”
[Caitie]: “Sweet.”
[Jordan]: “With that it is now Ash’s turn he is going to round the corner…Guys I am so sorry. He got his breath weapon back. Everyone but Saithe-”
[Christina]: “Is he able to move through the room in time?”
[Jordan]: “He’s at like the entrance. He hasn’t like been able to like… Well, from where he’s at, I’ll say he also like steps in a little bit and and so he’ll take like some of the damage, but he can’t fully get to you guys, but he’s still within breath weapon range.”
[Drew]: “Can I use a reaction to try to like shield everyone with my body? Like do kind of a piccolo thing and just like jump in front of it.”
[Jordan]: “Hm…Roll me a dexterity saving throw and if you get this I’ll say everyone else takes half damage regardless of their save. Otherwise it’s just same as always.”
[Drew]: “That’s not really gonna do it either way, ’cause that’s a 9.”
[Jordan]: “Unfortunately, that’s not gonna do it. So you try your best to get in front of everyone else, but unfortunately it’s just not quite enough. So everyone but Saithe go ahead and roll a dexterity saving throw, Arlo, you do it as well. Just because there is a non fire element to this attack. So…”
[Drew]: “19.”
[Christina]: Clears throat “Well, I think even if I rolled a nat20, I’m gonna take damage. So I’m just going to say I’m down.”
[Jordan]: “Oh shit! You’re that bad?”
[Christina]: “I was only at 1.”
[Jordan]: “Oh, oh no.”
[Christina]: “I was stabilized. That was it.”
[Jordan]: “Oh, oh my. Amazingly, Forngal actually passes. Too bad it’s not going to be enough, because he has only 5HP, and this rolls 6 dice. Well, actually, I guess he might. 8 fire damage, so Forngal is barely okay, but that’s ’cause I haven’t rolled the necrotic yet and that is a total of 7 necrotic damage. Half 50 saves so that’d be 3, unfortunately that does mean Second Chance’s down again.”
[Caitie]: “Jesus.”
[Jordan]: “Terra, you’re up. Periapt works again because it does not say once a day.”
[Christina]: “Oh, okay! Thanks Periapt.”
[Jordan]: “It just, it just says while you wear it.
[Winterra]: “OK, I’m up, what the fuck!?”
[Christina]: “Terra is also probably going to need to get checked out by a doctor for several like major concussions, because what the fuck?! She’s probably hit her head several times on the stone floor by now.”
[Jordan]: “Probably.”
[Christina]: “Okay, who’s up- me, Arlo, and Saithe?”
[Jordan]: “Yeah, Saithe’s not in the room. She’s in the hallway.”
[Christina]: “Okay…” Sighs “This could probably work. I’m trying to figure out basically- ’cause I haven’t used my, my druid shift shape thing yet to wild shape into an animal which I can still do. I’m trying to figure out if I can put them on my back as a warhorse and get the fuck out of here.
[Jordan]: “ If Arlo wants to give up his action, I can say he can help you out.
[Drew]: “I’ll give up my action for that.”
[Christina]: “Okay, so that’s what I’m going to do because it also gives me more than one HP. It gives me horse HP.”
[Jordan]: “One HP plus horse.”
[Christina]: “Okay, so you get sickly warhorse because-”
[Drew]: “Wait, wait, wait. Wait wait wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. That means that currently Terra is exactly as healthy as a horse.”
[Caitie]: “LMAO.”
[Jordan]: “Actually, she’s one healthier than a horse.”
[[Christina giggles and imitates a bad horse trill]]
[Jordan]: “Oh, I’ve missed that.”
[Drew]: “That’s so bad. It’s really not good.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Caitie]: “This is perfect. In every way it’s perfect in every way.”
[Christina]: “You get partially concussed, Warhorse? Kay, yeah, great- up on my back and I’m gonna book it as a warhorse trying to leave. Base speed of 60.”
[Drew]: “Before Terra like runs off while she’s getting everybody on her back, Arlo is going to… I guess like, not hand to, I guess like give it to her to hold her mouth is gonna take his badge off of his his uniform and put it into her mouth and say-”
[Christina]: “What the fuck!”
[Arlo]: “Bring this back and…there will be a very angry, older dragonborn woman that’ll probably come to see you later. Just… tell her, I’m sorry.”
[Caitie]: “The bastard don’t you dare!”
[Christina]: “WHAT!!? You get a very angry horse snort. You get-” Badly imitates angry horse sound
[Arlo]: “He’s not gonna stop coming. And we’re not getting out of here without casualties.
[Christina]: “UGH! I hate, I hate all of this so fucking much. I’m still angry at 7 for disappearing. You get a very angry clop, like horse clop on the floor and then she like starts like moving. But like you get a look in her eyes, it’s like you better fucking not.
[Jordan]: “You make it through there. Arlo. It is your turn. What do you do?”
[Drew]: “I mean, I gave up my, my action, but I’ll… Gotta go with what I can go I’m gonna hold my ground and say-”
[Arlo]: “Alright you ugly son of a bitch, you greasy edgelord fucc. You and me like you always wanted. Let’s do this shit.
[Dragon Ash]: “I’m going to enjoy this.”
[Arlo]: “I’m going to enjoy your mom, sexually. Haha, boom!”
[[Christina giggles]]
[Arlo]: “Best last words.”
[Dragon Ash]: “Well, you’re half right.
[Jordan]: “And he takes to the- He flaps his wings and he charges at you. Saithe- Do you do anything or do you keep going forward?
[Caitie]: “She’ll share a look with Winterra of utter horror and sadness and go with her.”
[[Dragon fight music ends]]
[Jordan]: “OK, so you both managed to get out of the temple. As you do, it looks like it’s actually almost early morning, like it looks like the sun’s about to start to rise at any moment. And as you make your way out. The side of the temple erupts-”
[[Theme music starts to play]]
[Jordan]: “-as Ash bursts forth through it. With Arlo dangling in his claws valiantly hitting back. And 7 riding a top Ash’s head viciously, stabbing into his eyes.
[Christina]: “Oh fuck yeah.”
[Caitie]: “Oh Jesus!”
[Drew]: “I want you to know that despite the pain and despite how far away you can definitely hear Arlo going-”
[Arlo]: “Yeeeeehawww!”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Jordan]: “And you just hear 7 just stabbing at him-”
[7]: “Sneak attack motherfucker!”
[[Christina and Drew laugh as the theme music ends and the mysterious music starts up]]
[Jordan]: “And soon he slams into the ground, sending Arlo and seven flying off. And as he readies another attack, the sun begins to rise. And as the sun rays hit Ash, he suddenly rears back and howls in pain.
[[Dragon howl]]
[Jordan]: “And he immediately takes to the sky and flies off in a frenzied panic.”
[Christina]: “Uhhh… what?!”
[Jordan]: “So 7 comes up and is like-”
[7]: “Well, that was certainly interesting.”
[Christina]: “Terra angrily like, bites at him while she paws the ground.
[Caitie]: “Saithe’s just gonna hold her back.”
[7]: “What?”
[[Christina imitates more angry horse sounds]]
[Saithe]: “He was probably there the whole time.”
[7]: “I mean, I was just following the mission.”
[Jordan]: “And he pulls out Sisava’s charm. And that is where we shall pause our tale for now.”
[[Outro plays during ending credits]]
[Jordan]: “Hey guys! Thank you all so much for listening! Be sure to listen to the end for a little blooper that didn’t make it into the episode proper. Trying to add these to the end of each of our episodes now so just a little something extra for those of you who are willing to listen until the very end. But before that, in place of our usual plugs and promotions we wanted to ask everyone to do what they can to help out in our current situation. Especially for our fellow American listeners, things are pretty rough right now. So remember to do what you can to keep yourself and others safe. Wear a mask in public, wash your hands, practice social distancing, and try and stay home whenever possible. Also, with elections coming up, please remember to vote. It’s more important now than ever that we practice this basic right and do what we can to help get things back on track. On a more casual note, please feel free to support us on patreon if you can! It helps us to improve the show and even comes with some benefits like early access to new episodes and access to our aftershow -Peek Behind the Screen- where we talk about what happened in the episode and see what everyone’s thinking about what happened and what’s to come. You should also follow us on our social media: Facebook and Instagram at Agents of Damned, and Twitter at AgentsofD. If you want to get more involved with the show, please send in requests for magic items, spells, or even NPCs. Until next time, bye!”
[[Outro song ends and there is a record scratch]]
[[Sound of dice rolling]]
[Christina]: In singsong “The dragon’s not a lizard! Maybe they’d try to attack him? They don’t know he’s on their side, right?”
[Jordan]: “Um…”
[Drew]: “I mean I think we just established that he’s their dad.”
[Jordan]: Chuckles “Or at the very least he’s working with them so-”
[Christina]: “But have they ever seen him as a dragon or known he’s a dragon? They are very stupid.”
[Jordan]: “They are…very…stupid…” Pauses “Um, but I’m not going into the whole yuan-ti/Ash interpersonal relationship backstory right now because we’re in the middle of fucking combat so.”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Drew]: “There once was a dragon named Ash. And he saw one yuan-ti lady and he was like, damn I’m gonna break me off a piece of that.”
[[Jordan snorts]]
[Caitie]: “What is it, a kitkat bar??”
[[Christina chuckles]]
[Jordan]: “Aren’t all women but kitkat bars?”
[Caitie]: “NOOOO!”
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Drew]: “That is the worst thing, that is the worst statement.”
[Jordan]: “Agreed, let’s never talk about it again.”
[Christina]: Composing herself “Oh my goodness.”
[Drew]: “It’ll just be immortalized in this podcast that you Jordan Roman said, ‘Are not all women but kitkat bars?’”
[[Christina starts laughing again]]
[Jordan]: “Let it be known I don’t actually feel that way. That was just a joke.”
[Drew]: “I cannot wait for your wedding to actually take place, and get to people telling stories and stuff and I’ll be like, remember one time Jordan said aren’t all women but kitkat bars?!” Starts laughing
[Jordan]: “I’m probably going to tell Chelsea about that after this anyway.”
[Drew]: “Put that shit in your vows.”
[[All laugh]]
[Caitie]: “Oh man…”
[Drew]: “I now pronounce you man and I dunno I guess she’s a kitkat bar?”
[Jordan]: “I now declare you man and snacc.”
[Caitie]: “Goooooooddd.”
[Drew]: “NO! NO. BAD.”
[[Jordan starts laughing]]
[Drew]: “NOOO!”
[[Christina and Caitie also start laughing]]
[Drew]: “GO TO JAIL. NO.”
[Christina]: Trying to compose herself “Oh…”
[Caitie]: “Jordan I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t really good.”
[Drew]: “Jordan, you’re grounded.”
[Jordan]: Composing himself “Oh…” Normally “I really do respect women, this was all in honest humor. Swear to god.”
[Drew]: “Jordan you’re grounded.”
[Jordan]: “Sorry. Oh fuck… what was I doing…”
Agents of DAMNED 