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Episode 3: Back Alley Brawl

The Agents track Elama into a nearby alleyway. But are they prepared for what awaits them in Neverwinter’s treacherous backstreets?

Episode Transcription

[[Intro music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “Hello everyone and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED.  I am your sometimes benevolent often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman and I am once again joined by my fellow players.”

[Caitie]:  “Caitie, playing Saithe!”

[Christina]:  “Hey guys I’m Christina and I play Winterra.”

[Drew]:  “I’m Drew McClain and I play the good doctor, Arlo Agon.”  

[Jordan]:  “And what a interesting predicament our agents find themselves in.  But before we get to uh – you guys getting ready to follow a certain questionably aged wood elf into an alleyway – how about a recap?

[[Soft medieval music plays]]

So last time the agents arrived at the city of Neverwinter with the goal of meeting with Milo of the Thieves’ guild and learning why the loot they gathered was being stockpiled.  Upon arriving, the agents were greeted by Bardon-the captain of the Neverwinter guard.  They explained their reason for coming and left for the Thieves’ Guild, but not before Saithe threatened Bardon for not taking them sooner.  After they arrived at the guild hall the agents met and spoke with Milo who was confused about their accusations.  According to Milo the guild had been performing the necessary duties of redistributing their funds and reallocating what was in their vault-”

[Drew]:  “Hehe, duties.”

[Jordan cont.]:  “-to outside locations to prevent creating a treasure horde.  However Milo and Bardon were shocked to see that the vault was still filled to the brim.  A reaction the agents notably did not share.  Milo then questioned his second in command, a wood elf named Elama about why the following days’ shipment had not yet been prepared.  She replied only that she’d “get it done.”  Milo took Saithe to his office to show her the documentation, while Arlo broke it down old school to Elama why getting this done was so ‘im-piggitty-portent.’  Elama reasonably was unmoved by this and promptly left.”

[Drew]:  laughs “I forgot about that”

[Jordan]:  “I will never forget.  Meanwhile, Arlo told Saithe that he had always taken his job seriously and that he was unsure why Elama was suddenly acting out.  Saithe promised Milo that she and her coworkers would aid in transporting the treasure, and Milo got to work on preparing for the journey ahead.  The agents decided to rest for the night, visiting a strange bar known as ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.’  There the group enjoyed an almost magical meal, that invigorated them while also…enjoying…the company of the restaurant’s namesake.  A sea hag named ‘Big Betty.’  Upon leaving the bizarre establishment the agents spotted a hooded figure dipping into a nearby alleyway.  A figure they recognized as Elama.  And with that we resume our tale!  So, you guys have seen Elama dip into an alleyway across the street, she however, as far as you can tell, has not noticed you!   What do you guys do?”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna follow her!”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

[Caitie]:  “But I’m gonna like do it sneakily!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright!  Then I’m going to need everybody to roll me stealth checks.”

[Drew]:  “This is going to go poorly.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah, especially since you’re wearing what – splint?  And uh, roll with disadvantage.

[Caitie]:  “18”

[Drew]:  “Foooour.”

[Christina]:  “15”

[[Ominous music begins playing starting soft and increasing in volume]]

[Jordan]:  “So, you guys follow her into this alleyway, some of you a touch quieter than others. And as you reach the end of the alleyway, you see  that it actually breaks off into this sort of open area it almost looks like it would be someone’s backyard in a way but it’s a little bit smaller.   And there you see Elama talking with another person.  This person is wearing blackened armor with a similarly dark cape.  But the hood on said cape is not up – instead it is down and you can see their face.  They are rather pale skinned, with very long, almost ashy blond hair that goes down to about their mid back.  You guys can kind of overhear a bit of what they’re saying.  So the stranger looks very upset with Elama and says.”

[Stranger]:  “What do you mean the shipment is going out?  I thought we had an understanding that you were going to make sure that money stayed where it was.  Was that not what we discussed?”

[Jordan]:  “And Elama looks down like she’s clearly upset that she had to deliver that information to this person.”

[Elama]:  “Just-I-I’m sorry.  I- I ran into some complications.  I didn’t expect DAMNED to show up.  They put a whole wrench in this thing.”

[Jordan]:  “And the guy looks confused and says,”

[Stranger]:  “Who the hell is DAMNED?”

[Jordan]:  “And Elama responds with-”

[Elama]:  “They’re some government organization. They come in to make sure these things don’t happen.  I-I’ll find a way around this okay?  I promise that – that the horde will still be there, okay?”

[Jordan]:  “And the guy lifts up a hand as if to silence her and she immediately gets very sheepish.”

[Stranger]:  “Now listen.  We had a very clear agreement where you would make sure that money stays right where it is.  And, in doing so the pungent aroma of that wonderful treasure pile- all the gold and riches you accumulated would find their way into the nose of a nearby dragon who would then proceed to destroy Neverwinter.  Now I don’t really care WHO you have to kill to make sure that doesn’t happen.  But-”

[Jordan]:  “And he stops mid sentence.  And then sniffs the air.”

[Stranger]:  sniff sniff followed by maniacal laughter “Oh I see what you mean.   

[Jordan]:  “And he turns to the alleyway and says,”

[Stranger]:  “You might as well come out.  I know you’re there.”

[Arlo]:  interrupting “No you don’t.” 

[Stranger]:  “All three of you.”   

[Jordan]:  “What do you do?”

[[Music cuts out]]

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is going to begin casting hunter’s mark on her bow.  I mean it’s already on it, do I have to cast it?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh-sort- I guess that would be the word for it…it would more just be marking a target.  Is how that would work.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay.”      

[Jordan]:  “Who are you marking?”

[Caitie]:  “Big boy”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so you’re marking the blond haired stranger then.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.”                      

[Jordan]:  “Alright -are you still trying to remain hidden even though he’s announced he knows you guys are there?”

[Caitie]:  “As much as possible yes.”   

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Winterra, are you doing anything or are you just trying to feign ignorance?”

[Christina]:  “Um, Winterra’s kind of like, staying as much in the shadows as she can.  She doesn’t quite want to reveal herself just yet- she’s more the kind of person to watch and see how things unfold first.”  

[Stranger]:  sighs  “Alright, so we’re going to play this game then.  Alright that’s fine.  I have ways of uh- fixing this.”

[Jordan]:  “And the first thing he actually does is he sort of waves off Elama and she kind of runs to the opposite wall and starts climbing that.”

[Christina]:  “Like just full on climbing up the wall?”

[Jordan]:  “I mean it’s a building so like – Think like ‘Assassin’s Creed-esque’ scaling the side of a building.”

[Drew]:  “I feel like one of us should probably stop her from just like running off.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh so one of you is actually going to come out and stop dicking this guy around?”

[Caitie]:  “Get it Argo.”     

[Drew]:  “Ah shit, why not.  Um, Arlo steps out from behind the wall and he’s kind of like doing like a sort of hands raised, not quite a threatening stance but a readied stance.”

[Arlo]:  “Well hhhh-hold on there hold on there ev’rybody stay right where they are.”

[Jordan]:  “Elama does not stop climbing.”

[Arlo]:  “Elaba especially you.”

[Stranger]:  “Ignore them.”

[[Ominous music starts back up]]

[Jordan]:  “And you note that she is far more keen to listen to this man than she is you. And the guy looks at you and says,”

[Stranger]:  “Well at least one of you is actually smart enough to stop wasting my time.  You gonna call your friends out or do I have to do this the hard way?  ‘Cause I am fine either way.”

[Caitie]:  “I…shoot Saithe can’t whisper.” 

[[Christina laughs nervously]]

[Caitie]:  “Saithe points with her tail to the exit of the alleyway at Winterra.  Basically saying ‘go, just get out of here we’ll take care of it.’”

[Jordan]:  “You’re trying to ‘Old Yeller’ the bear?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes.” 

[Drew]  snickers and over exaggerates  “Get out of here, you you dumb animal.  Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore”  

[Christina]:  “Oh no that’s terrible. Um…”

[Drew]:  “Actually I think ‘Old Yellering’ the bear would be like shooting her behind a shed, isn’t that like how that one ends?”  

[Caitie]:  “Basically she’s trying to insist that Winterra go get the authorities.  Like go get help.”

[Christina]:  “Mmmm.  Winterra’s not keen on just straight up leaving people.  That’s just the problem I’m running into right now.”

[Caitie]:  “I mean the DAMNED aren’t the police.  You know, that’s-they’re not there to arrest people, they still need the authorities.  Even Saithe understands that like,”

[Drew]:  “I mean we do have badges. We are kind of authorities.”

[Caitie]:  “This guy literally mentioned that he wants a dragon to come take down Neverwinter.”

[Jordan]:  “Which is technically y’all’s jurisdiction.”

[Drew]:  “I feel like we’re the magical FBI we’re not local but we definitely have precedence.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, like Bardon leads what would basically be like the city police in like our worl- and like Andrew said, you guys would be more like FBI/CIA, something like that.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.”

[Drew]:  imitates banging on a door “FBI Open up!”

[Jordan]:  “So is anyone gonna do something or should I let this guy do his thing?”

[Drew]:  “Um, has Eleba escaped already?”  

[Jordan]:  “No she’s still right where she is.  This is basically bullet time right now, I’m being nice.”

[Christina]:  “Okay.  Um – and you said she…so Elba is not within 30 feet of us right?”

[Jordan]:  “Noooo.  She would be, like just on a flat surface she’s 50 feet, but again she’s like a story and a half up at this point.” 

[Christina]:  “Okay, yeah then I can’t do anything quite yet. Other than um, leaving.  And I’m not too keen on doing that yet.”

[Jordan]:  “Saithe or Arlo are you guys going to do anything?”  

[Drew]:  “I’ll make a move here and say that like Arlo takes his badge out and like charges a spell and points at Elaba and says,”

[[theme music plays in background]]

[Arlo]:  “By my jurisdiction as an agent of the organization known as DAMNED, I am telling you one last time to STOP.  We will have agents here within a few minutes.  You can either go down with this feller here, or you can stop – you can comply.”

[[theme cuts out and ominous music starts back]]

[Jordan]:  “So, she still ignores you and the man in front of you…he’s noted that you’re basically ignoring him so what he does is he does a quick snap of his fingers and behind him a giant wall of fire engulfs that entire space.  Essentially bisecting that whole back area.  So you guys would now have to go through that in order to  even get to Elama and the flames are like making it hard to see her.”

[Stranger]:  “I don’t like being ignored.  If you guys want to get in my way, then you’re going to get in MY way.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean I wasn’t really concerned with you, you’re definitely going to jail like immediately.”

[Stranger]:  “Hmph.  Cute that you think that.”

[[Ominous music stops]]

[Jordan]:  “Roll initiative everyone!”

[Caitie]:  “I got a 12.”

[Christina]:  “That’s um…22.”

[Jordan]:  “Dang.”

[Caitie]:  “Wait how did you get a 22?”

[Drew]:  “I got a 14.”

[Christina]:  “I rolled a 19 on the die um…19, 20, 21, 22- Yeah and I have plus 3 to initiative.”

[[Faster fight music starts]]

[Jordan]:  “You said 14 Arlo?”

[Drew]:  “Yep”

[Jordan]:  “Believe it or not, Winterra goes first.”  

[Christina]:  “Okay cool.  Umm…gimme one quick second here.”

[Drew]:  “Oh I am so much surprise…”

[Christina]:  chuckles “So…and how close is um, angry- angry blond haired man?”

[Jordan]:  “Angry blond haired man is I would say at like the 30 foot mark.”

[Christina]:  “Okay cool.  I want to cast ‘infestation’ on him.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, read me the language on that please.”

[Christina]:  “It says you cause a cloud of mites, fleas, and other parasites to appear momentarily on one creatures I can see within range. Uh- they must succeed on a constitution saving throw or they take 1d6 of poison damage and move 5 feet in a random direction if it can move and its speed is at least 5 feet.  You roll a d4 for the direction.  The movement doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks, and if the direction is blocked the target doesn’t move.”  

[[sounds of rolling dice in background]]

[Jordan]:  “This might be a silly question, and potentially concerning for you guys, does a 29 pass?”

[Christina]:  laughing in disbelief “Uh yes it does…pass”  continued nervous laughter

[Jordan]:  “Okay then he’s good.”

[Christina]:  “He’s good.  I guess he just has bugs on him now.  I don’t know how he would react otherwise to that, but they don’t poison him.”

[Jordan]:  “Does he still take damage?”

[Christina]:  “Umm, no it would have just been the poison damage, it says must succeed on a con saving throw OR it takes poison damage and move 5 feet in a random direction.  So I think as long as it passes the con save -”

[Jordan]:  “Wait is this a cantrip?”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Ooooh.  Okay yeah that explains it.  They don’t get the half on a fail.  Okay.  Er- success.  Alright, do you have anything else you can do or is that basically it?”

[Christina]:  “I do have something else…I’m going to do my uhm, my fancy fancy bear radius zone. So it creates like a zone within 60 feet, for one minute, so I’m going to surround us with the zone.  It says, creatures that I choose in the zone gain advantage on strength saves and checks plus 5 level temp HP – 5 plus your level temp HP sorry.  So that’d be plus 8 HP temporarily to everyone.  And there’s just a little bear hanging out, just a cute little baby bear hanging out in the center of us.”

[Jordan]:  amused “So a spectral bear just shows up out of nowhere?”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, just like a little tiny baby bear just shows up like, ‘rawwr’ giggles just like is existing and there’s the radius that grants us the strength and HP and resistance.  So yes.”

[Drew]:  “Neat.”

[Jordan]:  “The guy looks at this and is like,”

[Stranger]:  “I have to admit.  That’s a new one.”

[Jordan]:  “That actually brings it to this guys turn…The first thing you see this guy do, and Arlo you’d have the best view of this -everyone else is just peeking out behind the corner.  He extends his hand out towards you and a black flame appears in the palm of his hand and then stretches out in either direction forming into a glaive.  One notable thing of concern, is you guys know traditionally glaives are two handed weapons.  He’s one handing it.”

[Caitie]:  “Well that’s horrifying.”

[Drew]:  “That’s not great.”

[Jordan]:  “And, he charges at you Arlo.  So he is going to go ahead and – what’s your AC again?”

[Drew]:  “I am not telling you…until after you roll.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, fine.  We can play that game.  I don’t think you want to play this game but… oh dang, you know – you right… I – I don’t know if I hit 31.”     

[Christina]:  “Jeesus Christ.”

[Drew]:  “How the fuck do you have a 31 to hit?”

[Jordan]:  “Because I rolled and his pluses gave him a 31.  Bear in mind, I’m the same guy that threw a dragon turtle at you day one.  Don’t assume I won’t do this.”  

[Drew]:  “Yeah, surprisingly enough that’ll actually hit.”

[Jordan]:  “I know, weird, right?  22 slashing damage, but fortunately you did eat at Big Betty’s so that is halved.”

[Drew]:  “Cool, I’m at half health.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, that was hal- does that include the temp HP?”

[Drew]:  “Oh, not including the temp HP.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, the temp HP goes to all three of us.  Just because you’re in the little baby bear’s section.”   

[Jordan]:  “And now the thing you don’t want to hear me say the most.  He has a second attack.”

[Christina]:  “Oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “He hit.  Arlo, you are brought down by 18, you are not doing great. And he just looks at you and smiles and says,”

[Stranger]:  “What was that about me going to jail again?”    

[Arlo]:  “I mean, murder’s still a crime friend, I don’t see how this makes you less incriminated.”

[Stranger]:  “True, but I don’t see how this validates your ability to take me in.”

[Arlo]:  “I didn’t say I was gonna.”      

[Jordan]:  “Arlo you’re up.”

[Drew]:  “Um, bye?  Like Arlo is already gone- full dash action away, taking a disengage action.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, I was about to say, you may want to think about that part first.”

[Drew]:  “This is far above Arlo’s pay grade.”  

[Jordan]:  “Saithe you’re up.”

[Caitie]:  “Alright, uh….so Saithe is going to fire at this-at this god forsaken sonofabitch.”

[Jordan]:  “Cool, go ahe- and since you did hunter’s mark you will be able to do an additional 1d6 if you hit him.”

[Caitie]:  “Oooooh.”

[Jordan]:  “So go ahead and roll it.”          

[Caitie]:  “Oooooh, oooooh – 23!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, yeah – you hit him. Go ahead and roll damage.”

[Caitie]:  “Woo, I love my bloody dice!  That’s, 11.” 

[Jordan]:  “So, that one goes in straight on his neck.  And he just pulls it back out and flicks it to the side – virtually unphased.”

[Winterra]:  “Huh.”

[Saithe]:  “Huh indeed Winterra, huh indeed.”

[Caitie]:  “How close is Arlo to me?”

[Drew]:  “Arlo is 30 feet away.”

[Jordan]:  “He is back in the open street.”      

[Caitie]:  “Oh good.  I’m gonna say it’s time to go now.”

[Jordan]:  “You follow Arlo?”

[Caitie]:  “Can I wrap my tail around Winterra and do it?  Like drag her with me so she doesn’t get caught up in the fire?”

[Jordan]:  “Roll a strength check.”  

[Caitie]:  “Alright bloody dice, keep me going buddy,”

[Christina]:  “If this doesn’t work I have another plan so it’s okay.”

[Caitie]:  “15!”

[Jordan]:  “Erhm, yeah you’re able to drag her along.”  

[Christina]:  “Okay so, as she’s – as she is dragging me along,  can I use – I don’t know if that would instigate anything else from the other guys, but I had a plan on my turn to use my wild shape and turn into a riding horse.”    

[Jordan]:  “That is indeed an interesting idea, one slight problem with it… It is actually his turn again.  So he actually walks over to the entrance of the alleyway and with his non glaive holding hand extends that one out, and is going to cast burning hands at you guys.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m fire resistant!”  

[Jordan]:  “That’s great.  I don’t know if you’ve caught this, he’s strong.”

[[The sound of too many dice being rolled]]

[Caitie]:  “Hah.”

[[Jordan and Christina simultaneously]]

[Christina]:  “I don’t like how many dice that sounded like.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh you heard that?”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah…”

[Jordan]:  “20 fire.”

[Christina]:  “Lord.  Is there a saving throw for that?”  

[Jordan]:  “Oh, yeah!  Dex save.  Thanks for calling me on that one, I actually forgot!” 

[Christina]:  “So it’s a 15 foot cone, so if Arlo is 30 feet away from where we are, he’d be outside of that. It’s a 15 foot cone from the source, or whoever is casting it. You said burning hands, right?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah that’s a good point, I didn’t think about that.”

[Christina]:  “I don’t suppose a 16 passes?”

[Jordan]:  “I dunno, let me double ch- actually it doesn’t.”

[Caitie]:  “How about 21?” 

[Christina]: messing around  “You take quarter damage.”

[Jordan]: “I want you to understand this when I say it.  Barely.     

[Caitie]:  “Barely??”

[Christina]:  “Ooooooh…”

[Jordan]:  “Yeeep, let that sink in.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, so you said it was 20 fire damage?”  

[Jordan]:  “Uh-huh.  Alright, Terra, you up again.”        

[Christina]:  “Cool. Um, NOW I would like to um, horse it away, please? nervous giggles  I would like to use my shapeshifting into a riding horse, um, and I don’t know-like before I do it I am going to turn to Saithe and be like,”

[Winterra]:  “Go along with this!”

[Christina]:  “And then do like my thing and go” imitates horse whinny, “but badly and kind of like, sort of like try to get her to hop on.  Like you know how horses when in movies they do that thing where they duck their neck a little bit? And the person can try to jump on?”

[Caitie]:  “Ooooooh.  Oh! That’s a good visual, I love it!”

[Christina]:  “And then I want to try to book it!” 

[Jordan]:  “Alright alright.”

[Drew]:  “Wait hold on.  Could you make the horse sound one more time please?”

[Caitie]:  “I also would like to hear that, yes, please.”

[Christina]:  Imitates terrible horse whinny again           

[[Caitie laughs]]

[Drew]:  “The horse sound just really makes it.  Excellent, excellent -wonderful.”

[Jordan]:  “So the sickly horse makes its way out of the alleyway.”

[[All laugh]]

[Drew]:  “Wait, one last time I totally wasn’t looking.”

[Jordan]:  “What!!?”  

[[Drew laughs]]

[Jordan]: humored but annoyed “Shut up!”    

[Christina]:  “So um, the regular speed of a riding horse is 60 feet so I’m just, I’m out.  I would like to leave please.  With Saithe.  And whoever else can get on my back.”

[Jordan]:  “‘Bout to say, you going to leave Arlo to die because that’s kind of fucked up.”

[Christina]:  “No, I don’t want to leave Arlo-”

[Caitie]:  “Don’t forget I have a 6 foot tail!”  

[Jordan]:  “Of immeasurable strength!”

[Caitie]:  “Of immeasurable strength!  It’s basically its own character!”                                    

[Christina]:  “If this could go the way I’d like it to, I’d like to do my thing and have Saithe jump on, and then with Saithe’s tail assistance to grab Arlo, and also get on my back, and then continue booking it! Towards the direction of the…did we, did he point out at the beginning where the I guess precinct or whatever it would be is?”

[Jordan]:  “He did not, but you would have reason to believe that you guys likely were teleported in the same spot you would find- like you probably were teleported at least near where he would be.”

[Christina]:  “Well- then yeah- I’m going to start booking it back towards like the teleporting direction…of the teleporting pads.”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys manage to, all three of you manage to get away, and as you ride off you see the man peek out of the alleyway again, and it’s faint since he is in the distance, but you can see the slightest smile as he dips back into the alleyway. And you guys successfully make your escape.”

[[Fight music ends]]

[Caitie]:  “Thanks I hate it!”

[Jordan]:  “Hah!”

[Christina]:  “That’s an agreed statement, that’s a mood right there.” 

[Arlo]:  “I’m sure we’ll have much longer time to reflect on this but can we all agree that-”   

[Saithe]:  “Are you even alive right now?  I mean, are you okay?  You took quite a bit of damage back there.”

[Drew]:  “I have 1 HP.”

[Arlo]:  “Um, I mean I’m feeling pretty banged up, like if you know, hypothetically we broke down how well we were feeling into some kind of a numbers system, um, out of let’s say just a random number – 22 – I’d be at about 1.”

[Saithe]:  “We ought to get you healed up I think.”

[Jordan]:  “If only you guys knew a doctor.”   

[Arlo]:  “I mean, I can handle that.”

[Christina]:  “If only the one dying was not the doctor.”

[Jordan]:  Chortles  “He’s still conscious!”   

[Arlo]:  “I can heal myself.  I’ll be fine…probably.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so- are you going to actually heal yourself or are you just going to leave yourself dying?”  

[Drew]:  “Nah, I’ll actually heal myself, let me see what spells I have…”

[Jordan]:  “You should probably do that.”  

[Saithe]:  “This is probably the only time I’ll ever be glad for being born through the hells of fire!” 

[Jordan]:  “Don’t you mean the fires of hell?”    

[Caitie]:  “…yes, that’s…yes.”

[Saithe]:  “Through the fires of hell!”

[Drew]:  “Alright, so I healed me for 8.”  

[Caitie]:  “You know what, leave me alone – I’m an essential worker and I’m tired as fuck.”

[Jordan]:  “So am I, bite me!”    

[[Jaunty music picks up]]

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way over to the teleportation area where you came in and  there are a few guards stationed out there.”

[Christina]:  “Terra makes like a panicked horse snort. Like a ‘imitates a horse blowing air quickly out of its nose’  sound that they do where they kind of shake their head to try and get someone’s attention.”  

[Jordan]:  “They come over and they’re like.”

[Guard]:  “Ma’am, what seems to be the- what has your horse so stres- OH MY GOD what the hell happened to him?!”

[Arlo]:  “Uhm, there was a guy – he looked like just some little weiner guy, but he turned out to be like real strong.”

[Guard]:  “Well what can you tell us about him?  We need details man!”  

[Drew]:  “Uhm, he had like this like eally try hard edgelord black armor, and this dumb blond hair that  looked all greasy like he just never washed it, like he just didn’t care about takin care of himself.  He’s a real loser, just real loser looking guy.  Yeah, this real shitty like black edgelord armor, like you know really like he was trying hard to be cool but like cool as in the sense of like “middle school” I’d guess you’d call it. And just this greasy awful hair, and he’s a really pale looking dude.  He did have this pretty sick ass ghost glaive, that was pretty dope-”

[Saithe]:  “ARLO.  GET ON WITH IT.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, Winterra makes an annoyed snorting sound, she goes ‘badly imitates snort’ and like paws the ground as he continues talking just like more aggressively.”

[Arlo]:  “Oh yeah, also he wants to destroy the town so we should probably do something about that.”

[Guard]:  “WHAT!?”          

[[Music cuts out]]     

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is literally just sitting there on Winterra’s back like rubbing the bridge of her nose.”                                 

[Guard]:  “Why would you not start with that!?” 

[Arlo]:  “Oh, I’m sorry – everyone here raise your hand if you almost died just now!?”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo raises his hand way up high over his head

[Arlo]:  “Oh really, just me-”

[Saithe]:  “OKAY”

[Guard]:  “Wait, you mean to the wienery guy you just described?”

[Arlo]:  “Hey-hey, let me tell you something friend.  Come here real quick.”

[Guard]:  “It was your word sir, I’m just clarifying, that’s the only description you gave me was ‘Weinery guy that looked like he was trying too hard’”

[Saithe]:  “OKAY OKAY, Alright, break time!  Everyone calm down!”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe hops off the horse.”             

[Saithe]:  “Listen.  We need your help.  I put a tracking spell on this dude.  If we do not do something soon, a dragon is going to come after the fortune in the Thieves’ Guild.  Right now, I think we need to get a hold of Milo and let him know what is going on. Because the other person working in the Thieves’ Guild – ELAMA- or whatever her name is, Alpaca, I don’t FUCKING care right now, is in cahoots with this guy who is strong enough to take an arrow to the neck and not flinch.”

[Guard]:  “Okay, um…”

[Saithe]:  “Tracking spell!” 

[Guard]:  “I-I-I heard that…um… so you’ve kind of just given me a looooot. I’m just kind of a grunt, I don’t make any of those decisions- Milo’s not even here he’s I would guess he’s at the Thieves’ Guild? I…”

[Saithe]:  “Lord almighty, are you all like this?”            

[Christina]:  “As soon as he says Thieves’ Guild, Winterra just starts like turning around, like she’s just immediately starting to walk towards the Thieves’ Guild like ‘I’m done and these guys can’t help’”

[Guard]:  “Guys your horse is leaving you.”

[Saithe]:  sighs deeply  “Arlo, go with her!  You, I need to speak to the chief or the highest up, right now.”  

[Guard]:  “You mean Bardon?”

[Saithe]:  “Let’s go.  Now!”

[Guard]:  “O-o-okay!”  

[Jordan]:  “He starts like very fast, like very quickly shuffling along.  Inside he’s very obviously scared of you.”    

[Caitie]:  “Well I sound angry but I have an unending smile on my face and big bright yellow eyes that also are cringingly happy looking.”

[Drew]:  “That does sound unsettling.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh trust me, I’ve been bearing that in mind.  It’s a whole package deal that has been causing this guy to borderline shit his pants right now.  But he brings you over to an office and knocks on it. And from inside you hear the familiar voice of,”

[Bardon]:  “What is it?”

[Guard]:  “S-ssire? Someone wan-”

[Saithe]:  Interrupting “It’s your favorite person.”  

[Caitie]:  “She walks in.”

[Bardon]:  “Oh my fu- what.”  

[Saithe]:  “Yes yes, we get it.  You hate me.  Fine, enough – I understand that part. Listen, we have a major problem.”

[Bardon]:  “I have a few.”

[Saithe]:  “The reason that we’re here, it’s a good one. You remember the whole Thieves’ Guild bullshit that we’re here for, right?”

[Bardon]:  Exasperated “Yes.”     

[Saithe]:  “Good. There’s a man who is trying to get a dragon to come and roost on it and destroy Neverwinter.  I put a tracking spell on him.” 

[Bardon]:  “Sounds like you have everything you need, why are you wasting my time.”  

[Caitie]:  “Good lord almighty.”

[Drew]:  “Oooooh”

[Saithe]:  Sighs “I’m just gonna take a moment to breathe here. So I don’t make good on my promises from earlier. Alright.  This guy is far too strong for just the three of us to handle.”

[Bardon]:  “Okaay?”

[Saithe]:  “He took an arrow to the neck and didn’t flinch – basically pulled it out and was fine – nearly took Arlo down in two single hits of a glaive, which he held single handedly I might add,”

[Bardon]:  “Scary.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah, he’s terrifying.  I need all of your men ready to defend the Thieves’ Guild ASAP.”

[Bardon]:  “Hmmm.”

[Saithe]:  “Listen.   You hate me, I get it.  It’s not about me or the fact that I said some stupid things earlier which, yes I am beginning to regret. However-”

[Bardon]:  “So we’re agreeing on something?”

[[Theme music plays in background throughout this next scene]]

[Saithe]:  “There are innocent people at stake. And that is not something I am going to allow you to mishandle.  You are a cop.  You are here to do a  – a job, okay?  I am not here to tell you how to do it, but it needs to get done, and it needs to get done fast because this guy is going to be nothing to fuck with.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll persuasion.  And I want you to know, I was originally going to say with disadvantage, but that was a very persuasive argument.  So I’ll cancel that out.”

[Caitie]:  “17”

[[Theme music ends]]

[Jordan]:  “Okay!  He takes a deep breath and just sort of puts like- puts both of his hands together and just rests his face in them, like you that that just ‘you’ve had a day and you’re just sick of everything’”

[Catie]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “So he does that.”

[Bardon]:  Deeply sighs

[Caitie]:  “She sits in the chair next to his desk like, also releasing a big sigh.”

[Saithe]:  “Yeah.  Same.  If I could stop smiling I woul-”

[Bardon]:  “Yeah, yeah.  Medical condition. I know.   You made that quite clear the first time.”

[Saithe]:  “Mmmmm.”

[Bardon]:  “The only reason I am going with you on this one, is because you are correct and this is my job to protect the town. And Milo is a good friend of mine, so I want to make sure he stays safe.  If that damned idiot whoever the fuck this is this that you’ve des- unstoppable monster or this- this dragon you’re saying that might come in shows up, I’m protecting the town and my men, and you can go to hell.”

[Saithe]:  “I was born from it.”

[Bardon]:  “Oh well then you’ll feel right at home.  Get out of my office, I’ll meet you at the Thieves’ Guild.”

[Caitie]:  “She kind of gives him like a, like a nod.  Like I get it.”

[Jordan]:  “As you walk out he says,”

[Bardon]:  “Oh, and by the way, one more thing.”

[Saithe]:  “Go on.”

[Jordan]:  “He signs out go fuck yourself.”

[[Drew and Christina burst into giggles]]

[Caitie]:  “Alright, so she smiles an- she smiles all the time, but if there was like an actual genuine smile he’s seeing it right now.”

[Christina]:  “Like it meets her eyes.”

[Caitie]:  “Yes. Like she – he has made her actually pretty happy.”

[Jordan]:  “Which is weird because he wanted not that.”

[Caitie]:  “Exactly.  No, no she loves it.  She loves it.  She signs back- I’d rather have your mom do it for me.”  

[Bardon]:  “GET.  OUT.”     

[Drew]:  “Ooooh, they gonna fuck.”

[[Caitie maniacally laughing at Jordan’s expense]]

[Jordan]:  “No.”

[Caitie]:  “And she leaves.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so.  Let’s go ahead and cut back over to Winterra and Arlo.”

[[Jaunty music starts back up]]

[Jordan]:  “At this point you guys have managed to make it back to the Thieves’ Guild. And before I ask the first obvious question, I need to ask the second obvious question – Winterra, Are. You. Still. A. Horse?”

[Christina]:  Laughs “Um…”

[Drew]:  “Questions that can only happen in DnD.”

[Christina]:  “No.  In the process of walking over to the Thieves’ Guild, she like angrily transformed back into herself while like grumbling.”

[Winterra]:  “People can’t do their jobs.  And, and useless, people who…”

[Christina]:  “She’s just so mad while she’s walking straight towards the Thieves’ Guild.” 

[Jordan]:  “So you guys do manage to get there.  I assume you just make your way on in and over towards the back room where you find Milo as he promised, diligently working on getting everything that he needs set up.  And he looks up and he says,”

[[Jaunty music stops]]

[Milo]:  “Oh! Hey guys!  I wasn’t expecting to see you until tomorrow.  So bad news, I haven’t been able to find Elama I don’t know where she’s at, but we’re getting this done, don’t worry.  We’ll be good.”

[Winterra]: Still angry  “Yeah.  We found her for you.”

[Milo]:  “Oh!  …Where is she?”

[Winterra]:  “We found her in an alleyway with some blond haired ashy guy who took an arrow to the neck and didn’t flinch-”

[Milo]:  “Look, I don’t worry about her personal business that’s up to her.”

[Winterra]:  “Not like that.  And they’re planning on trying to keep the “horde” here to attract a dragon to destroy Neverwinter.  Words from the guy’s mouth himself.”

[Milo]:  “Wa-hol-hold- you’re telling me-”

[Winterra]:  “I don’t know how she got in cahoots with this guy, but she’s in cahoots with this guy.  At threat of her own life, or otherwise, I don’t know.  But he’s nothing to mess with so this needs to leave.”

[Milo]:  Distraught  “Y-you’re telling me that Elama’s…betrayed me?”

[[Sad music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “And you guys see that tears are welling in this man’s eyes.”

[Caitie and Drew simultaneously]:  “Ooooh noooo!  Oh no. Oh god.”  

[Arlo]:  “Don’t, don’t do not be cry, it okay.”

[Milo]:  “I thought I could trust her.” 

[Drew]:  “He turns to Winterra,”

[Arlo]:  “I’m really not good at this sort of thing.”

[Jordan]:  “He’s powerless without a chair.” 

[[Drew and Christina laugh]]

[Drew]:  “I don’t have a backwards chair!  I draw all my negotiating powers from backwards chairs.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra kind of looks and the ceiling, and she sighs and is like,”

[Winterra]:  “Tears are for the rain, not for people.  Look, we don’t know why she’s working with him, whether it’s at the threat of her own life or some other reason.  Personal gain, life threatening, because she thought he was cool looking….who knows! But, the point is, Neverwinter is in danger.  So I understand that, you know, this must be very hard for you.  But, there’s a bigger thing at stake right now.”

[Jordan]:  “And he wipes his- the tears from his eyes and he goes,”

[Milo]:  “Yeah.  You- you’re right.  Alright-”

[[Sad music stops]]

[Drew]:  “Arlo reaches into his breast pocket and  produces a small handkerchief and hands it to him.”

[Milo]:  “Thank you.”

[Jordan]:  “He tidies himself up a little bit and goes,”

[Milo]:  “Alright, well we- we still got a ways to go, but if you guys are willing to help out we can probably get this done within the next couple hours and we’ll be ready to ship out well before original planned time.  What happened to Saithe?”  

[Arlo]:  “Oh she’s over there with the uh – the captain of the town guard.”

[[Jaunty music picks back up]]

[Jordan]:  “And on that note, Saithe, this is around the time that you would have made it over there.”

[Caitie]:  “She walks in, looking as pleased and giddy as ever.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo sees how actually happy she looks, like a sincere happiness, and he’s like,”

[Arlo]:  “Oh!  I guess I read the situation right!  You guys did bang.”

[Saithe]:  “What the hell!”             

[Arlo]:  “What, am I way off on that one?”

[Milo]:  “Buddy, you are the most hit or miss person I have ever met.”  

[Jordan]:  And he hands you back the now wet handkerchief.” 

[Arlo]:  “I don’t do, um, social skills that good.  I’m working on it.”

[Milo]:  “Alright, well if you guys can help me out with this we can get moving a little bit faster.”

[Saithe]:  “You’ve got it.  And I’m sorry about Ellama.”

[Milo]:  “E-e-elama, but… thanks.”

[Winterra]:  “Just, just ignore her, she’s bad at names.”

[Milo]:  “Are any of you good at anything?  Like, socially?”

[Winterra]:  “Mmmmmm…no.”

[Saithe]:  “I’d be a lot better if I wasn’t trapped this way.” 

[Milo]:  “Yeah Bardon was telling me you have some sort of weird medical condition going on?”        

[Saithe]:  “Do you really believe I’d be this happy all the time?  

[Milo]:  “It is a little…weird I will admit.  We should probably focus on actually getting this done if this is as important as you guys were saying.”

[Saithe]:  “You’re right, let’s do this!”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys get right to work on packing everything up, and after a little bit Bardon shows up with a decent sized platoon. And they help out with it as well, and within a couple of hours you guys are ready to go.”

[Drew]:  “During that time, do we have any way of contacting DAMNED HQ?”

[Jordan]:  “You guys do have access to- I may have forgotten to mention this, but you guys would have speaking stones – that would allow-provide you with a means of communicating with DAMNED.”

[Christina]:  “Ah, yeah no – we did not know about that.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah, Saithe is going to pull out her speaking stone and reach out to…”

[Jordan]:  “Go on, try and remember the name of my characters, I dare you.”

[Caitie]:  “I got this, it’s, its Rheann!”

[Jordan]:  “Raiann actually but yes I’m impressed!”  

[Caitie]:  “Sooo close. So close.” 

[Jordan]:  “Honestly I didn’t even think you would remember her name, so I’m still impressed. So I’ll give you that.”

[Caitie]:  “Hella!  Yeah, my memory’s not as bad as you think it is.  Oh wait yeah, so she reaches out to Raiann, and you know, kind of fills her in on what’s going on.”  

[Jordan]:  “It takes a little bit for her to answer, and when she does she is extremely groggy, it’s about this point you guys realize it’s like three in the morning.”

[Raiann]:  “Ugh…Ffffff-What?”

[Saithe]:  “I understand this must be a very annoying interference with your nightly duties-”

[Raiann]:  “Extremely. WHAT!?”           

[Saithe]:  “However, there is a planned dragon attack on Neverwinter.”

[Raiann]:  “That’s what you guys are there for.”

[Saithe]:  “While we do have some of the crew, set up from the, from the guard.  I would like to request if there are any other magical beings that you may be able to send our way.”

[Raiann]:  “All our other agents are out on mission right now.”

[Saithe]:  “Fair enough.  I do apologize for bothering you. However in case we-”

[Jordan]:  “She hangs up.”    

[Saithe]:  “Bitch!  … Well I was going to tell her, in case we died that’s what happened.”

[Jordan]:  Bemused “She gathered.  This ain’t her first rodeo, she’s used to this shit.”          

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough.  She just kind of looks at the speaking stone with disdain.” 

[Drew]:  “So Arlo kind of like leans over, he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “That did not sound heavily like we’re going to be getting any backup.”

[Jordan]:  “So Milo actually comes over to you guys and says,”

[Milo]:  “Alright, so uh-we’re actually ready to go, the only thing we need to figure out now is what route we’re taking.”

[Jordan]:  “And so he pulls out a map, and I’m not sure how familiar you guys are with the layout of the Forgotten Realms but the map is of the sword coast.  And he points to a spot on it that is labelled Neverwinter.”

[Milo]:  “Alright, so we have a few different storehouses we can go to.  We can either head over this way,” And he points to another place more mountainous.  “We can head over to Luskan, there’s not going to be a whole lot of people that way, most of the civilizations over there were kind of wiped out a while ago.  So it may be the most clear of normal people.  But there’s also a chance we may run into some, I honestly don’t know – it’s kind of untrekked ground at this point.  But Luskan is one of our more fortified places.”  Or, and he points towards a nearby forest, “We can head over here to the Thornhold. We’d have to cut through the forest in order to be able to do that, and that has its own dangers.  But that may also not be a bad thing.”  And he looks over to Winterra when he says that. 

[Christina]:  “Winterra’s eyes kind of light up a little bit when she sees the forest.  Like she obviously prefers to go that way just because she feels more comfortable that way, but she is waiting to see what the other guys think first.”                                                     

[Milo]:  “And the last option we potentially have is here. At Hotenow.”  And he points there.  “This place is pretty far out of the way, so again, not a whole lot of people travelling it.  But either one, all three of these are our current empty storehouses. There’s not much of a difference in terms of getting there in a timely fashion, they’ll take about a day regardless of which one we pick so whichever one you guys feel would be best.  I’m…I can do either.  We’re in a bit of a time crunch so I’ll let you guys decide.”

[Caitie]:  “What was the catch about the third place?”

[Jordan]:  “Um, It’s not really like a catch- so first of all I need to rectify something because I had misspoken.  So your three options are: Luskan, which is actually  more of like the, it’s the one that goes  through civilization, I said it was abandoned, that was incorrect.  So Luskan is a southward route that goes through more like – it’s like a trader’s route. Thornhold would take you through the forest.  And then Mount Hotenow is through a mountain pass that is largely untravelled by most people.”

[Arlo]:  “Well in any kind of situation, where an attack is guaranteed, we need to prioritize minimizing any kind of civilian casualties, meaning that we want to take the route that’s least travelled by but we also want to go for something that’s going to give us a bit of a home field advantage.”

[Saithe]:  “And although the forest would actually hold a lot of um…hiding spots for our enemy, and really open up their field of attack, I agree, I think it would be a massive strength on not only Winterra’s end, but my own being a rogue.  The mountain pass seems very straightforward, however I assume with a mountain pass probably comes bandits.”

[Milo]:  “I mean anything’s possible honestly. I can’t really say for sure what would be there – it may be just a completely clean run.  I don’t know.”

[Saithe]:  “Winterra, what do you think?”

[Christina]:  “She um, she kind of pauses and she says,”

[Winterra]:  “The forest is my home and its always feel most comfortable so as far as my strengths,  I’m more suited there.  As far as what might be best, it may also work out better to have some of the nature on our side to get through the travels that we will.”

[Saithe]:  “I think that’s a very fair point.”

[Milo]:  “Alright, so we’re going with Thornhold then?”

[Saithe]:  “Thornhold it is!”

[Milo]:  “Alright, let’s get going.”  

[[Spooky forest music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “You guys set out for – it’s over in the eastern direction – and since you guys are kind of going through pretty middle of the night it’s still pretty dark.  Fortunately, pretty sure you all have darkvision?”

[Caitie]:  “Yes!”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, as you guys are making your way through, I need you all to roll me a perception check.”

[Drew]:  “Did we get any time to rest or heal up or anything. Like in between then and now?” 

[Jordan]:  “Oh yeah no, you guys can – I’ll say that the time it took to get everything set up and the time it takes you to get out there you guys can have a long rest.”

[Caitie]:  “Uh, I got 19.”

[Christina]:  “Same actually, 19.”

[Drew]:  “I got a 16.”

[Jordan]:  “Damn, alright.  So you guys, as you’re going along, it’s still been like a few hours but it’s still pretty dark outside, I’d say maybe like five in the morning? You guys hear movement in the bushes around you, and in the trees.  And Winterra and Saithe, you guys each spot a goblin.  Roll initiative.” 

[Caitie]:  “13!” 

[Christina]:  “10.”

[Drew]:  “I got an 8.”

[Jordan]:  “Saithe, you’re up first!”

[[Spooky music ends and battle music begins]]

[Caitie]:  “Wooo.  I am going to draw my bow in preparation and fire at one of the little goblin bastards.” 

[Jordan]:  “Alright, one thing on that, that I do need-I apologize I should have made this one more clear.  They’re all presently hiding so you don’t have a direct line of- like you and Winterra each have eyes on one but they are still behind cover, so if you want to try and angle around and maybe get like a better viewpoint on them, because otherwise they would be behind three-quarters cover for you guys, which means they have plus five to AC.”

[Caitie]:  “So I’ll move to take aim.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so you do that, you manage to get to a point you actually can fire and now he no longer has that.  So go ahead and roll to hit.” 

[Caitie]:  “15.”

[Jordan]:  “You just, like you scratch his ear but it doesn’t quite get him.”

[Caitie]:  “It doesn’t hurt him?”

[Jordan]:  “Nope.  Okay!  Terra, you’re up!”

[Christina]:  “I think she’s currently going to hold her action, and alert anyone-who else is awake with us right now?  Is there anyone else where we are?”

[Jordan]:  “You guys have kind of been forming like a scouting party since you three are the only ones who have night vision. Er, dark vision.  So everyone else is sort of like a bit back.”

[Christina]:  “So since it doesn’t seem like Arlo has quite noticed what’s going on yet, she kind of like nudges him and points out that there’s something going on in the trees and-”

[Caitie]:  “Because if Saithe firing at the trees didn’t notify him already.”  

[Christina]:  “Because you said that Saithe and I noticed that its definitely goblins, right?” 

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, Arlo would have been able to tell that they, like there is something there and it, like there’s a few of them, but only you guys managed to catch a whiff of goblins.” 

[Christina]:  “Like the specific smell of goblins.” laughs  “Yeah no, there’s nothing I want to do just yeeeet.  I’m going to hold my action.”

[Caitie]:  “I need to murder something!” 

[Jordan]:  “Alright, Arlo you’re up!”

[Drew]:  “Alright, so I know that there’s goblins and shiz around us now, right?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, you- Winterra told you that there are goblins around you and I imagine pointed out the one that she noticed and then you also would have seen Saithe shoot at a tree.  So I’d say at this point you guys are like at least aware of the two that were initially noticed.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, can I see any of them?”   

[Jordan]:  “I guess that would be either investigation or perception to try and pin one of them-to pin them down.”

[Drew]:  “That’s not great, that’s a 4.”

[Jordan]:  “I mean Winterra pointed to one and you know there’s one in the tree but you don’t see ‘em.  You can move over to try and get a better angle.”                         

[Drew]:  “Yeah I guess I move around and try to get a better angle or try to like see one better.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, you dip in behind that tree and sure enough, there is a goblin just sitting up in the branch, uh- he has noticed that you have come over though, but-he’s up in a tree.”

[Drew]:  “About how far away, about how far up the tree is he?”

[Jordan]:  “15 feet.”

[Drew]:  “Hmm…alright, so I am going to make an attack at him with a guiding bolt.  So it would be a 17 to hit.”

[Caitie]:  “Get him! Fuck him up!”   

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, you hit him.  Roll damage.”

[Drew]:  “Alright cool.  He’s going to take 4d6 radiant damage and the next attack roll-”

[Jordan]:  “Guiding bolt does 4d6, jeesus!”

[Drew]:  “It’s a good spell dawg.  And the next attack roll made against this target before the end of my next turn has advantage.”

[Jordan]:  “Shit.  Alright, how much damage?”

[Drew]:  “Let’s roll that out and see how we do… that is going to be the sweet sweet sound of…11 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Well I’ll tell you right now that there is one possible way that someone might not get advantage on them  and that’s ‘cause they fall out of the tree dead.”   

[Drew]:  “Hahahaha!  So Arlo just kind of walks up in the forest and is like,”

[Arlo]:  “Wait, where is it?”

[Drew]:  “And Winterra is like, ‘up in the tree!’”

[Arlo]:  “Oh, there!”  

[Drew]:  “And he just shoots it with like holy radiant light out of his hand. He’s like,”

[Arlo]:  “I got it!” 

[Jordan]:  “You said it was like, glowing afterwards, right?”

[Drew]:  “Yeah.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah so this glowing goblin corpse just kind of falls into a bush below the tree and is just there.  I will say though, that will give you guys future perception checks to detect anything else in the area.”

[Caitie]:  “Nice!”     

[Drew]:  “Metal.”

[Jordan]:  “That does leave the gobs.”

[Caitie]:  “Gobs of goblins.”  

[Jordan]:  “Yeeep.  So, Saaaithe.”

[Caitie]:  “Come get me you skinny little-”

[Drew]:  “Man these goblins are the real nobs, am I right? Hahaha, hahahaha.”

[Caitie]:  “Ayyyy”

[Jordan]:  Sarcastically “Hahaha, you’re hilarious.” Normally “One of them hits you Saithe.” 

[Caitie]:  “Alright.  How much damage am I taking?”

[Jordan]:  “Seven.”    

[Caitie]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh wait, no I’m sorry eight, I counted wrong.”     

[Caitie]:  “Kay.”

[Jordan]:  “Winterra, you have three arrows fly around you but none of them hit. Arlo, one arrow knicks you in the shoulder for four damage.” 

[Arlo]:  Sarcastically “Ow, oh dear.” 

[Jordan]:  “Now I need you guys to go ahead try and make some perception checks as they try to run and rehide.  Now that their positions have been exposed…you know what NEVERMIND.  They all did a shitty shitty job and their shadows are visible from their glowing friend’s corpse.  They rolled a one. So yeah, you are aware of where they are all at.  Saithe, you up.  Oh, at this point you can tell there are eight more goblins.”

[Caitie]:  “Eight more…”

[Christina]:  “Actually, um now that- hold on because I held my action-now that we can see all of them, are any of them grouped together in any sort of way, or are they all just kind of scattered about haphazardly?”       

[Jordan]:  “They’re all sort of scat- not haphazardly, but they’re scattered about such that it’d be difficult to get two of them at once.”

[Christina]:  “Like none of them are within 20 foot cubes of each other?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh, no.  They’re not that far spread out.  I would say…I’d say they’re maybe like within te- at most, ten to fifteen feet of each other.”

[Christina]:  “Okay, gotcha.”

[Jordan]:  “Like, between each one of them, and they are still like surrounding you guys.” 

[Christina]:  “Okay…I want… now that I can see them, I think what I’m gonna do, and I just want to read this really quick to make sure that I can do this because some stuff is- are they in the trees or are they on the ground?”

[Jordan]:  “Some are in the trees, some are on the ground.  They’re all attempting to hide and they don’t realize they did a shitty job.”  

[Christina]:  “I see, gotcha!”

[Caitie]:  “Oooh, do you have entangle?”

[Christina]:  “I do.”

[Jordan]:  “I love that movie.”

[Christina]:  “Boooooooo.”

[Caitie]:  “I said ENtangle  not TANgled.”

[Drew]:  “Boooooooo.”

[Jordan]:  “I know”

[Christina]:  “So are there any on the ground within 20 feet of each other?”

[Jordan]:  “I would say you’d be able to get two of them.”

[Christina]:  “So two of them on the ground get entangled, it says ‘Grasping weeds and vines sprout from the ground in a 20 foot square, starting from a point within range’ which is within 90 feet which I assume we are within that but ‘for that duration the plants turn the ground and area into difficult terrain.  Creatures in that area when I cast the spell must succeed on a strength saving throw or be restrained by the tangled plants until the spell ends, any creatures’-”

[Jordan]:  Rolls “What’s your DC?”

[Christina]:  “My spell save is…is not that high currently, it’s a 12.”

[Jordan]:  “One of them saves.”

[Christina]:  “The one that doesn’t is restrained by the plants and it has to use its action to make a strength check against the spell save DC again, on a success it frees itself.  So if it’s restrained it can’t-”

[Jordan]:  “The one you got you can hear going,”

[Goblin1]:  Frantic goblin

[Jordan]:  “Can any of y’all speak goblin?”

[Drew]:  “Nope.”

[Christina]:  “I have common, terran, druidic, and sylvan, so no.”

[Caitie]:  “Nope!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, so you guys just hear him scream gibberish.”

[Christina]:  “I’m just gonna take that to mean he’s not happy.”

[Jordan]:  “Probably not.”

[Christina]:  “The one that’s not restrained, how far away from me is it?”

[Jordan]:  “I’d say he’d probably be…they try and maintain a distance of like roughly 40 feet.” 

[Christina]:  “Gotcha. Well I’m just gonna kind of move about 10 feet closer to them.   But that’s about it for now.”  

[Jordan]:  “Alright, back up to the top of the initiative, Saithe.”

[Caitie]:  “Do I know which one hit me?”

[Jordan]:  “Yes.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is going to point her finger at that little bastard and with her very smiley face, she’s going to say,”

[Saithe]:  “You’re going to wish you hadn’t done that.”

[Caitie]:  “And she’s going to cast hellish rebuke.”  

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so quick note on hellish rebuke, that is actually a reaction that you need to do immediately.”

[Caitie]:  “Ohh.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, that is not just a thing that you do, it is a you get hit, you hellish rebuke them, and make them wish they hadn’t done it.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay, I didn’t know that.  I’m just gonna fire at him.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll to hit!” 

[Drew]:  “I’m realizing I straight up forgot I had the hellish rebuke shield.” 

[Caitie]:  “19”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, that one hits.”

[Caitie]:  “Five damage.”

[Jordan]:  “You manage to get this one like right in the stomach, and this one was in a tree so he does kind of like fall down and screams,”

[Goblin2]:  More frantic angry goblin 

[Jordan]:  “Yeah he clearly did not like that.  Terra, you’re up!”

[Christina]:  “Okay, um…I’m going to continue moving towards the one that did not get entangled  in my entanglement and I would like to bonus action shillelagh my scimitar.  And I would like to take a swing at that one with my scimitar please.”     

[Jordan]:  “Alright, go ahead and roll it.”

[Christina]:  “Does….counting…21 to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Uh no, somehow he do- yeah no, you hit, do your damage.” 

[Christina]:  “That’s a four.  Yeah four damage, so not that great.”

[Jordan]:  “He still doesn’t take it terribly great at all, you slash him across the chest and he is bleeding profusely and screams,”

[Goblin3]:  Upset goblin

[Christina]:  “Great.”

[Jordan]:  “I assume that’s it for you?”

[Christina]:  “For now.  Yeah, that’s it.”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo!  What’cha doin buddy?”

[Drew]:  “Since they’ve got the other two pretty much well handled I’m going to go up to the entangled one and kind of wallop on that guy with my war hammer.  It’s hammer time.  That’s a 19 to hit?”    

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, roll your damage.”

[Drew]:  “That’s going to be 9 damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Two for two, you crush his skull in.  He is super dead.” 

[Drew]:  “Arlo after finishing that one he’s like,”

[Arlo]:  “You know, I forgot I was good at this particular thing.  We’ve been pretty far outside of my element for a while.”

[Jordan]:  “So it gets around to their turn and the two that have been injured are going to attempt to run away as fast as they can, so Saithe and Terra you guys get opportunity attacks on them.”

[Christina]:  “Okay that’s a 15 on the die…to hit.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh on the die, oh yeah you hit him.” 

[Christina]:  “Five damage.”      

[Jordan]:  “He dead.”  

[Christina]:  “Terra says,”

[Winterra]:  “Nope, not going anywhere.”

[Jordan]:  “He falls over face down in his own blood.  Saithe, what’d you get?”  

[Caitie]:  “Uh…I got a nat 20…”

[Jordan]:  “He’s dead!”  

[Drew]:  “Oh damn!”

[Jordan]:  “I’ll just tell you right now, the way I do crits, there’s no way he’s not dead.  He had two health.”   

[Caitie]:  “Ooof.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah no, so-”

[Caitie]:  “Sucks to suck.”

[Jordan]:  “You skewer right through him. And he,”    

[Goblin2]:  “Wraaaaaa!”

[Jordan]:  “His last ‘wra’”

[Caitie]:  “I’m not even sad for him.”   

[Jordan]:  “Gee, I’m so shocked.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo flashes you a thumbs up and a dragony grin and-”

[Caitie]:  “You know what, I’m gonna go a little bit far on this, and Saithe is going to lick the blood off of her sword.” 

[Jordan]:  “Gross, roll a con save.”      

[Drew]:  “Oh, oh no.”

[Jordan]:  “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, don’t do that.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “Just start throwing up everywhere.”

[Jordan]:  “You have goblin fever!” 

[Drew]:  “Arlo was like in mid thumbs up and was like,”

[Arlo]:  “Aw man, that was cool!”

[Drew]:  “And then he saw you lick the blood off the sword and he was like,

[Arlo]:  “Ah, ah, gross, gross, no!”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah so, the remaining goblins look at this and,”

[Goblin Group]:  Panicked goblin

[Jordan]:  “And they all kind of like peace the fuck out.”

[[Fight music ends]]  

[Drew]:  “Can we chase after them?”

[Jordan]:  “If you really want to, they’re all going off in opposite directions and there’s five of them.”

[Caitie]:  “I dunno, I guess Saithe is going to take one more shot at the stragglers.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, anyone who has the means of making a ranged attack go ahead and make one.”

[Christina]:  “What’s their distance from us currently?”

[Jordan]:  “They all would have taken dash actions so I would say they are 60 feet away.”

[Drew]:  “One of them needs to make a dex save.”

[Jordan]:  “Well I’m going to assume a meaty six doesn’t save.”

[Drew]:  “Ooooh, so close, but not even a little bit close.  He’s going to take a d8 of radiant damage.”

[Jordan]:  “Roll it.”

[Drew]:  “Oh yes!  That’s an eight.”

[Jordan]:  “He’s dead.”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Caitie]:  “I got a 20, it’s not a nat, it’s a 17 plus my dex.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, roll it!”

[Caitie]:  “Five!”

[Jordan]:  “So that one hits him in the leg and he falls down and goes,”

[Goblin4]:  “Gahh!” 

[Jordan]:  “And he’s slowly crawling away, by at this point all the other goblins have gotten out of range unless Terra has anything she could do?”

[Christina]:  “Hm, I could try to ice knife one of them. It says it’s within 60 feet.”  

[Jordan]:  “I mean if you want to blow a spell slot go for it.”

[Christina]:  “Winterra isn’t too afraid of goblins honestly, she’s like,”

[Winterra]:  “Eh.  They’re like the ants of the forest.” 

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so then yeah, they’ve all gotten away at this point except for the one that is slowly crawling away with an arrow in its leg.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe is going to go and relieve it of its weapons and just kind of pick it up by its collar.” 

[Jordan]:  “Um, okay?  You are holding a very injured, very angry goblin.”

[Saithe]:  “Do you think any of the soldiers back there speak Goblin?”

[Goblin4]:  “Wait wait, I-I-I can speak common! L-l-let go please!”

[Saithe]:  “And apparently you can speak common as well.  Alright, awesome.  Why are you here?”   

[Goblin4]:  “Ehhh, see people come through.  W-want stuff…”

[Caitie]:  “She’s going to draw her shortsword and place it up against his neck.”

[Goblin4]:  “Ah!  No-no, please please no, I surrender.”

[Saithe]:  “That’s great!  You haven’t answered my question yet.”

[Goblin4]:  “It’s true it’s true, that’s it!  We just hope we can, we kill and then…get stuff.  That was all we want, all we do.”

[Saithe]:   “I see…”

[Goblin4]:  “Please let go.” 

[Saithe]:  “Yeah.  No.  I’m not gonna do that.”

[Caitie]:  “And she’s gonna slit a bitches throat.”    

[Jordan]:  “Yeeep.  He dies a horribly gruesome death.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah she was never going to let him live.”

[Jordan]:  “Well obviously.  The cart manages to catch up with you guys after a little bit.”

[[Extremely loud thunder bangs in the background]]

[Jordan]:  “Oh holy shit!”

[Caitie]:  “Ah!!”

[Jordan]:  “That was a loud one”

[Caitie]:   “Are you guys okay??” 

[Jordan]:  “No, I’m dead.”

[Caitie]:  “Like that was loud enough to scare the shit out of me!” 

[Jordan]:  “It was right next to my window-”   

[Drew]:  “Oh no, I was stricken by lightning all while drinking a Hi-C.  It has changed my biological DNA and now I have superpowers.”

[[Caitie and Drew laugh]]

[Caite]:  “Alright asshole…”

[Drew]:  “I will now become a beetleborg.” 

[Jordan]:  “I was drinking red bull and was struck by lightning, and now I have the superpower of not being alive!”

[Caitie]:  “Of not being alive?”

[Drew]:  “There are superheroes with that exact power.  Danny Phantom, Deadman…”

[Jordan]:  “A lot of people get that power, it’s weird…”

[Caitie]:  “I wish I could have that power right now.  Alright, shall we wrap this up?” 

[[Calming music plays]]

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way through the forest, no other issues, the goblins do not come back, they know better.  You arrive at Thornhold Fortress.  A large, imposing building located at the top of this forest mountain area.  And Milo comes up to you guys and says,”

[Milo]:  “I’m a little worried that we haven’t seen Elama throughout all this.  If what you said is true, there’s a chance she would have figured out where we’re going.  So, stay on your toes.  You guys wanna help me get to the main area?  Let’s get this done.”

[Jordan]:  “And he walks over to the entrance and as he does he sticks up a hand and says,”

[Milo]:  “Careful, this place is pretty heavily boobytrapped.  You’ve gotta be careful when you step in.  There’s a tripwire right here, normally causes a bunch of crossbow bolts to come down.”

[[Same ominous music from earlier plays]]

[Jordan]:  “He steps over it, and then a rune appears underneath his foot.  And a large, fiery explosion goes off underneath.”

[Arlo]:  “Uh, is that supposed to happen!?”

[Jordan]:  “And that is where we will pause our tale for now.” 

[Caitie]:  “Miloooooooooooooooo.”

[[Music stops]]    

[Jordan]: Snickering “Thank you all so much for listening- if you enjoyed this then head on over to our patreon at so you can catch our aftershow Peek Behind the Screen where we’ll talk about how they have a halfling corpse to deal with now…

If you guys can’t wait for our next episode which is going to be coming out on May 8th, and you want to catch it a week early, go ahead and also hop on over to that patreon.  We put our episodes out a week in advance, so for patreon subscribers it’ll come out on May 1st, for everyone else next episode is May 8th!

Do you know what’s smart?  Getting a professional to help create your professional image.  Just like we did for our logo and a few other projects we’ve got and a few other people have done and have gone to Black Feather Graphics for!  They are a freelance graphic artist and I can vouch for them on them on multiple levels, they are fan-tast-ic!  If you don’t believe me then just head on over to their website at, and check out their portfolio, it speaks for itself! 

If you are in the Charlotte area and you have a sweet tooth that needs filling, Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose is where you want to go!  As a small local bakery in the Charlotte area that specializes in you guessed it – Cheesecakes!  All kinds of cheesecakes that you could think of, they even have special cheesecake cupcakes that are just the right size of tricking you into thinking you are not eating so so many, so much sugar.  So many calories, all so so delicious.  If you want to get in touch with them, you can find them on Facebook  at Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose.  I don’t know about you guys but I feel like I’ve become a lazy slob in this quarantine if only there was some way we could get fit, but all the gyms are closed, what do we do!”

[Drew]:  “Why you could turn to no other than Kinetic Concepts Personal Training, run by me, the illustrious Drew McClain!  I’m going to stop doing that voice, it’s terrible.  Yeah but, Kinetic Concepts Personal Training we use well researched scientific to make sure you are getting the best workout, best bang for your buck.  We determine what your individual goals are that you need to progress forward and you know, whether it’s a corrective exercise, or if it’s getting back into better shape, or if it’s just keeping active while we’re all kind of stuck at home. Especially right now while we’re offering virtual sessions,  even within the comfort of your own home and stuff that you have around the house we can still get you a really good workout in. Jordan can attest to that, I think I almost killed him earlier today, but he is all the stronger for it!”

[Jordan]:  “That’s what you keep telling me but…I just feel like my arms are shaking from all the weights.” 

[Drew]:  “You still need to tell everyone that story of what you said to me after you really started to see- or I guess when your wife realized how much you really started to change physically we’ll say.  We’ll do it at some point.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re going to have to be a little more specific, I feel like I’ve said a lot of shit in that regard.” 

[Drew]:  “Essentially she noticed your additional muscle, that whole thing.”

[Jordan]:  “We’ll talk about that another time!  That’s going to do it for us this week!  Uh, bye!                                

[Christina]:  “Bye guys!”

[Drew]:  “Bye!”

[Caitie]:  “Byyyye!”

[Jordan]: Very quickly  “Oh yeah, check us out on social media: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter – bye!”  

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