The Agents depart for Neverwinter to confront Milo, the head of the Thieves’ Guild. Will this be a simple, by-the-books first job, or is there something else looming just out of sight?
Episode Transcription
[[Theme music plays followed by calm medieval music]]
[Jordan]: “Hello and welcome back to Agents of DAMNED! I am your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman. And I am once again joined by-”
[Caitie]: “Hey I’m Caitie! I play Saithe.”
[Christina]: “Hey guys, I’m Christina and I play Winterra!”
[Drew]: “And I’m Drew and I play the good doctor Arlo Agon.”
[Jordan]: “So. We find ourselves here on our second episode. A lot happened the first time and yet ironically nothing happened the first episode. But it has still been a little bit so why don’t we start off with a recap?
As we started our adventure we actually met our three heroes; Saithe, Winterra, and Arlo as they were on their way to DAMNED HQ- or the Department of Adventurers Maintaining Normality and Eradicating Debacles. On their way there they had a run in with a giant dragon turtle that they later discovered was named Narif and actually worked with the DAMNED organization. After passing his test, they went on to his back where they found a giant gem that actually contained a pocket dimension where the DAMNED HQ was located. Inside they were first greeted by a young man, or young boy rather, named Odart- who guided them over to their new boss, Raiann Delmerev. An angry green dragonborn who made it very clear that she was no nonsense. But also explained to them how everything would be going and gave them their first job. The crew decided to christen themselves the Agents of the DAMNED or as it has been shortened, ‘Agents’ and before heading off on their first mission, they decided to meet and greet with the other members of the organization. After all of that was said and done they hooked themselves up with some new armor and items and made their way over to Neverwinter, where their mission was to find Milo of the Neverwinter Thieves’ Guild and find out why he had not been distributing the money like he was supposed to, risking a potential dragon invasion.
[[Calm music ends and Heroic music begins playing]]
So as we resume our tale, our heroes find themselves on a teleportation circle, as they had mere moments ago before they were enveloped in light. However, now they no longer are in the same room they were before. Rather they appear to be in a large, open castle area where there are several teleportation circles, but less disorderly in how they are put about and they’re lined up along the sides- it’s far more organized than what you had just come from. And you see an armored guard come up to you all and say,”
[Armored Guard]: “Oh, I haven’t seen this circle go off in awhile. Erhm, I assume you’re with DAMNED?”
[Saithe]: “Yes. We are the Agents of DAMNED.”
[Armored Guard]: “Is…is that what y’all call yourselves?”
[Arlo]: “Good to meetcha sir.”
[Armored Guard]: “Ah- oh yes. Please forgive me, I haven’t seen this one go off in awhile. It’s just a little…strange. Erhm…” He extends out a hand and says- “the name’s Bardon, I’m actually the captain of the Neverwinter guard.”
[Saithe]: “It’s nice to meet you.”
[Bardon]: “Likewise.”
[Jordan]: “Bardon himself is actually a human. He’s a darker skinned gentleman and he appears to be maybe mid to late 30’s- decent build, but also has the look of a man who has had to deal with a lot of stress in his lifetime. Neverwinter is a large city as you guys would know. And so you can imagine that just keeping order in the day to day is a pretty stressful going on. So he looks at you guys and says,”
[Bardon]: “So what brings DAMNED to Neverwinter? Is something going to happen?”
[Saithe]: “We’ve been instructed to follow up with Milo.”
[Bardon]: surprised “The Thieves’ Guild?”
[Saithe]: “Yes. That is correct.”
[Bardon]: “Well, what have they been doing, or not…they seem like they’ve been following all the rules, they’ve been doing their little redistribution as they’re supposed to…have they not paid their dues?”
[Saithe]: “It seems you may have been misled. As they have actually been hoarding.”
[Bardon]: incredulously “I’m..sorry…hoarding? What do you mean they haven’t been-”
[Saithe]: “Yes.”
[Bardon]: “No…nono, that can’t be. I know they’ve been sending it out. They have to have. I talk with Milo all the time. He tells me how they have been redistributing to the poor families. I-I know they’ve been doing that.”
[Saithe]: “Well, our job is simply here to make sure it’s gotten done. If it has, we won’t trouble you further.”
[Bardon]: “Right…”
[Jordan]: “And he takes a look at you Saithe since you’ve been the one doing most of the talking and he takes note of the fact that you’ve just been looking pretty gleefully and is like,”
[Bardon]: “If this is such a serious issue, why are smiling so much?”
[Saithe]: “Please don’t ask. It’s a medical condition.”
[Bardon]: “Alllllllright….”
[Arlo]: “As the doctor of the group I can vouch for that, that is very insensitive to ask her about.”
[Bardon]: “Forgive me, it’s…usually when people from your organization come here it rarely spells good news and it’s just weird to imagine that Milo of all people wouldn’t be following the rules. He’s normally pretty good about that. I guess if-”
[Arlo]: “Well friend, as long as he is following the rules and as my compatriot here said we won’t be here too long. But you know, nothing ventured, nothing gained. We do have to make sure that we are checking up on our friend here.”
[Bardon]: “Right”
[Arlo]: “And makin’ sure that things have been getting done the regulation way.”
[Saithe]: “Our job is to prevent the bad before it happens. Now please, take us to Milo. Before the bad happens to you.”
[Arlo]: “uhhhhhhhhhh”
[Jordan]: “Hmmm”
[Drew]: laughing anxiously
[Winterra]: Winterra raises an eyebrow at what Saithe just said and and is like- she has been standing there with her arms crossed just kind of watching everything at this point she’s like, “I think what…I think what my friend meant…to say is um… that we would like to make sure that we get there in a timely fashion please. If you could help us figure out where we need to go.”
[Saithe]: “Yes. Listen to the bear.”
[Jordan]: “Bardon nods. And then he looks to you Saith and says,”
[Bardon]: “No no, I fully understand. And I need to make sure you understand something. I know what you guys do is important, I understand that you guys have a very essential job as far as maintaining order and preventing things from getting out of hand. But you’re not above the law. And around here, my job is to enforce the law. So next time you decide to get smart mouthed with me, I suggest you think twice. Got it?”
[Saithe]: “That’s the second time you’ve commented on my medical condition.”
[Bardon]: “That has nothing to do with your smile as opposed to you thinking you can talk to me like I’m some second rate nobody.”
[Saithe]: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please lead us to Milo.”
[Bardon]: “Just do me a favor. Try to keep your mouth shut.”
[Jordan]: “And he kind of angrily starts walking off and you guys assume towards the Thieves’ Guild so…I assume you follow?”
[Christina]: “Yes.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe uh…makes a couple of signs with her hands.”
[Jordan]: “Okay?”
[Caitie]: “I mean, nobody will know what it says, maybe? Arlo might catch it.”
[Drew]: “Actually, I want to roll to know what the fuck she did.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, roll intelligence.”
[Drew]: “That there is a 14.”
[Jordan]: “What’d you say?”
[Caitie]: “Go fuck yourself.”
[Drew]: “That should be a very low DC because I feel like that sign language is just him getting the middle finger.”
[[Drew and Christina laugh]]
[Caitie]: “See, but if she did the middle finger he would see it and knows what it meant.”
[Jordan]: “Are you guys following him or not?”
[Drew]: “We follow along.”
[Jordan]: “He guides you down through the streets of Neverwinter and as the name implies it’s a very beautiful place. Very warm, no clouds to be seen, the sun shining brightly. And it’s a very lively place. People are walking around and going about their business as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Almost as if they weren’t aware there was an impending dragon attack potentially on the horizon. You eventually come across a series of buildings that each have banners hanging down over the doorways. Very large buildings. And the banners all read different things- mage, fighters- you can tell these are the guild halls. And you eventually come across one that says ‘thieves.’ And so, Bardon takes you inside and when he does calls out-”
[Bardon]: “I need to see Milo.”
[Jordan]: “And all of the residents look over to him and they just kind of point towards a table at the back. He leads you guys over to that table and sure enough there is a halfling. He appears to be an older halfling, not like too old-maybe about the same age as Bardon would be, so mid to late 30’s. He’s currently taking in some food and drink, and looks like he is just trying to relax but now he’s got the captain of the Neverwinter guard and three people he’s never met before just kind of strolling on up to him.”
[Milo]: “Ey, can I help you guys? What’s up Bardon? Who are these guys?”
[Drew]: “Can I ask an out of character question?”
[Jordan]: “Ask away.”
[Drew]: “Do we have badges?”
[Jordan]: “Eh, yeah why not.”
[Drew]: “Alright cool as shit. Arlo flashes his badge (whip cracking sound in the background) and says-”
[Arlo]: “We’re here as the embassaries of the organization known as DAMNED. We’re just here to make sure that you know, you’re following proper protocols for wealth redistribution. As we have some reports that uh, well uh, to not sugarcoat things, that has not been happening as it should.”
[Jordan]: “And Milo looks up at you very confused.”
[Milo]: “Wait, what? What are you talking about? I’ve been- of course I’ve been sending it out to the poor people. What we still have in our store room that doesn’t get sent out to other locations is still up there, and I assure you is kept well underneath the standard quota. I’ve got my second in command taking care of that stuff and I trust her with my life. If you guys don’t believe me I can show you.”
[[Winterra and Saithe Simultaneously]]
[Winterra]: “We would like to see please”
[Saithe]: “Yes, that would be a glorious idea.”
[Milo]: “Alright!” And he puts down his fork and knife and starts heading over to the stairs. Before he heads up he turns around to the room, “If any of you guys eat my food or drink my drink I swear to god there is no place I will not find you.”
[Jordan]: “And he immediately turns back up the stairs and just kind of like hauls ass as though he knows that warning may still fall on deaf ears. So Milo leads you up the stairs to the second level of the thieves guild and closer towards the back to a large safe area. And he starts fiddling with some keys.”
[Milo]: flustered as he searches for the key “Look, I really don’t know where this information of yours came from but I- we send out our, we’re supposed to be having another shipment go out. My second in command, ‘Elama’ she should be taking care of that now. I don’t- and I cant- I personally handle the wealth distribution. I know that the poor people are getting to it, I can guarantee you guys that one.”
[Jordan]: “And I want you guys to roll me some insight checks on that one.”
[Christina]: “That’s a 19 on the die. So that’s a 23.”
[Jordan]: “Kay”
[Drew]: “8.”
[Caitie]: “15 and 1 is 16.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, so Saithe and Winterra, you can tell that he does mean what he’s saying in earnest. So he’s just as confused as Bardon was about why you guys were saying that Milo hadn’t been keeping up with his responsibilities. So you can reasonably assume he’s probably, that if something is going on it’s not because of him. Someone else would be the problem here.”
[Christina]: “Hm, interesting”
[Caitie]: “Saithe gives Winterra like a little nod and as you know, not subtle as she is, it’s kind of obvious what she means, ya know? Like she doesn’t…she doesn’t think he’s lying.”
[Jordan]: “So after a couple of seconds, he does manage to find the key and he unlocks it and as the door opens, that room is PACKED. Gold and treasure EVERYWHERE.”
[Ominous music begins playing]
[Jordan cont]: “So many different coins, and Milo and Bardon are speechless as this happens.”
[Milo]: “Wh-wh-I don’t understand, why is there so much stuff here!? It’s supposed to be getting ready to get shipped out!”
[Arlo]: “Yeah I do have to say friend, I do not find this to be properly redistributed.”
[Saithe]: “If I could show emotions, I would still be unsurprised.”
[Jordan]: “Milo runs over to like the railway, er not the railway the railing and just calls out-”
[Milo]: “WHERE. IS. Elama?”
[Jordan]: “Roll me perception checks.”
[Drew]: “Ooh.”
[Christina]: “18”
[Drew]: “16”
[Caitie]: “8 and 3 is…11”
[Jordan]: “So Saithe, you are none the wiser to this one, but Arlo and Winterra you guys actually notice a figure kind of like show up from like the, it almost looks like from the shadows. Just out of nowhere. And she says-”
[Ominous music stops and regular tavern music begins]
[Elama]: exasperated “What?”
[Jordan]: “And Milo just jumps up.”
[Milo]: “Ack! Elama, what is goin-why is there all the money in there!? You were supposed to be getting ready for it to ship out!”
[Jordan]: “And she just shrugs.”
[Elama]: “I was going to get it done. When is it going out again?”
[Jordan]: “And Milo just gets visibly angrier.”
[Milo]: “TOMORROW. You know we can’t shirk on this. This is impor- We’ve got DAMNED here over this!”
[Arlo]: “Howdy”
[Jordan]: “And she just looks at you guys and again just sort of shrugs it off.”
[Elama]: “Don’t worry, I’ll get it done. Not a big deal.”
[Arlo]: “Arlo kind of leans over and says, “Well uh, I don’t presume how to tell you how to run your operation friend, but might it be a bit unwise to you know, leave all this finances in the hands of your uh, your sullen teenage I guess daughter are we gonna call her? Sullen teenage daughter.”
[Elama]: “Okay, first of all we’re not even the same species, second of all I’m actually older than him.”
[Arlo]: “Ehh, I don’t buy that.”
[Saithe]: “Right! The problem here is that this could very well spark a dragon attack so what I would like is to see the logs of previous shipments.”
[Milo]: “Yeah no, I’ll take care of that one immediately. Ah, gos- Elama, by the time I get back you’d better be started on this or we’re gonna have a problem. Got it?”
[Elama]: quietly “Psh, whatever.”
[Jordan]: “Er-Milo guides Saithe over towards his office and while he’s doing that did any of you guys want to do anything with Elama or Bardon who is still standing there?”
[Drew]: “I feel like someone should question El…Elbow.”
[Christina]: “Yeah so, is she still just standing there? Or did she actually go to start doing anything?”
[Jordan]: “She is still just standing there with her arms crossed.”
[Christina]: “What kind of a read is Winterra getting off of this girl? Like other than like kinda moody…like…like… like I’m guessing moody and is it withdrawn? Or just like whimsical, or like non-caring?”
[Jordan]: “Roll me insight.”
[Winterra]: “That’s a 9.”
[Jordan]: “Just seems like some snooty standoffish punk. That’s really all you can get. She just doesn’t seem to give a shit.”
[Drew]: “I-I have an idea. Um, is there a chair in there somewhere? Like in the -”
[Jordan]: “If you’re willing to go down the stairs but not like in the storage room.”
[Drew]: “Can I like run downstairs and grab a chair like real quick?”
[Christina]: “I’m a little concerned.”
[Drew]: “I promise you it will be worth it.”
[Jordan]: “You’re gone for about three minutes because it is kind of far in the back but you do run, grab a chair and come back.”
[Drew]: “Alright, so I go up to uh- Alpaca. And I uh- I set the chair down in front of me and then I turn it backwards and sit on it backwards and then I say like-”
[[Heroic music stops and instrumental jazz starts playing]]
[Arlo]: “Well listen here yungun, let me-let me rap at you for a second. Now you know, your cool friend Arlo here understands that like you know, you don’t wanna be you know – here – just you know, worrying about boring finance stuff. You’d rather be hangin’ out with your friends at the wawa or you know, at the skate park but if I can break it down for you it’s real im-piggitty-portant that you uh- that you make sure that all this wealth is redistributed so that there’s no super uh lame dragon attacks up in this piece, ya hear?”
[Caitie]: “Oh. My.”
[[Drew breaks down laughing in the background and Jordan barely holds it together. The instrumental jazz stops abruptly]]
[Caitie cont]]: “Oh. No. Oh I’m having sooo many bad flashbacks. Oh, every single millennial listening to this is going to HARDCORE cringe at what just happened.”
[[Caitie joins in laughing with Drew]]
[Jordan]: “Are you done.”
[[Caitie laughs harder with Drew]]
[Caitie]: “Ahaha…sorry.”
[Jordan]: “Not you.”
[[Drew and Caitie break out laughing more]]
[Caitie]: “Him laughing is making me laugh more!”
[Drew]: snicker laughs “Okay I’m trying to stop, I’ll stop. Okay, okay…”
[Jordan]: “Thank you. So, Elama looks at you completely deadpan and like not reacting to a word you just said is like-”
[[Regular adventuring music resumes]]
[Elama]: clicking her tongue “So. I get what you’re trying to do. pauses As I said, I’m older than I look. I am three hundred, and seventy-eight. Talk to me light that again and you’ll be lucky not to find yourself with an arrow so far up your ass that you may end up throwing it back up.”
[Arlo]: “I will say that is rather rude, I am going to need to talk to your parents.”
[Jordan]: “She walks away.”
[[Players laugh]]
[Christina]: “Terra is honestly caught up in that threat. She’s like-”
[Winterra]: “That’s an…interesting phrase. I’ve never thought of that before. I’m going to use that later.”
[Jordan]: “Does Winterra even have a bow?”
[Christina]: “No!” giggles
[Jordan]: “She’s just going to grab an arrow and shove it up someone’s ass?!”
[Christina]: more giggles “Don’t judge her! She’s got to be resourceful.”
[Caitie]: “You know who does have arrows?”
[Jordan]: sarcastically “Obama?”
[Caitie]: ignoring Jordan “Yes, your favorite neighborhood tiefling!”
[Jordan]: “Speaking of which, we’ll actually go ahead and cut back to you.”
[[Music changes to soft simple piano]]
[Jordan cont]: “So Milo brings you in there and he pulls out his reports.”
[Milo]: “Er, h-here you go. They’re all documented as of erhm- we were going to take care of it for this month after you know we got all this stuff sorted out apparently now that’s going to be a little bit behind.”
[Jordan]: “And he gives them to you and they’re actually very well documented, very much in order, just like what you had read in the archive before you guys left. It did say how the Neverwinter thieves guild kind of stood as the forefront of how thieves guilds around the world were expected to operate with the new legal system in place. And sure enough, he’s been keeping up with that. Milo very clearly takes this seriously, so -”
[Caitie]: “Can I comb over the documentation um to look for any discrepancies?”
[Jordan]: “Erhm…yeah go ahead and roll me investigation.”
[Caitie]: “4…14 and 4 is 18!”
[Jordan]: “That is a much different number than you made it sound like!”
[Caitie]: “Oh, ‘cause I was saying 4 like-”
[Jordan]: “Oh you were doing shorthand-”
[Caitie]: “I accidentally said my modifier first.”
[Jordan]: “Got it got it. Okay, so with that you look through it and again, just like he said aside from the idea that he’s-hasn’t done this month’s because they haven’t finished doing everything yet, it’s all in order. You’re not seeing any weird sort of discrepancies with it other than-again, they just haven’t done this month’s.”
[Caitie]: “Okay.”
[Jordan]: “But you also, I’ll also say that because of the nature of DAMNED and how they operate, you also know that you wouldn’t likely be sent out for something if it had like a running issue already present. You’re sent out to make sure these things don’t happen. So you’re sent out before the issue becomes one.”
[Caitie]: “Fair enough.”
[Jordan]: “So it’s not likely you’re going to find any sort of clue showing that like, ‘Oh no this is something he’s been doing the entire time.’ You guys are usually sent out well before that would be a thing.
[Caitie]: “Okay. Um…okay so she-she pours over the paperwork, she nods, she looks at him and-”
[Saithe]: “This is actually rather impressive. You ought to be proud of your skills. I’m seeing that this actually may just be a simple us preventing what happens next thing.”
[Milo]: “I-I sure hope so. I mean-I’ve tried to live up to my predecessors. I was the second in command before, and I took my job very seriously, every time I- my boss told me what to do I just carried out best I can, he just made sure I understood how important this was. So I’ve been trying to do the same.”
[Saithe]: “Tell you what. Let me talk to my colleagues and we will discuss what we can do next. My guess-and hope- is that we will be able to accompany you when delivering the money. Just in case anything should show up that isn’t supposed to be there.”
[Milo]: “I mean I don’t know if that’ll be necessary but I’m not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth so that would be nice. We’re still gonna have to talk to Elama, figure out what the hell’s goin’ on- she’s not normally like this. Normally she’s way more on top- I mean, don’t get me wrong she’s always been that level of moody but she still will do what I tell her to. I don’t really get why she’s shirkin’ off this time, it’s weird. I’ll talk to her about that.”
[Saithe]: “I thoroughly insist that you do as behavioral changes usually mean that somebody is unhappy in some aspect of their being. Of their job or their home life. So if she is now misbehaving and wasn’t before, something could very well be wrong.”
[Milo]: “Ah, that’s a good point. Well, I do appreciate you guys coming, I don’t want to give off the wrong sign that like I don’t- I understand what you guys do, again, I can help figure out what this all is so this whole thing gets settled out. Let’s go figure out what’s going on with I guess your friends and my colleague.”
[Saithe]: “Lead the way.”
[[Piano music stops and adventuring tavern music resumes]]
[Jordan]: “And so he walks you back over and by the time he gets back you guys just see everyone standing there with the exception of Arlo who I assume is still sitting backwards in a chair. Elama is FULLY gone at this point. Like she peaced out a little bit ago. She is not here.”
[Milo]: “Where- where’d Elama go?”
[Arlo]: “Erhm, Well she kindof uhm…stormed off a little bit there. I’m not sure why. I mean I used all of by best teen outreach plan, I even set up the backwards chair she-”
[Milo]: “She’s over 300 years old why would you talk to her like a teenager?”
[Winterra]: “Yeah, it could have something to do with that Arlo.”
[Milo]: “Oh god.”
[Saithe]: “I’m inclined to agree.”
[Arlo]: “That may or may not have been a factor, I will admit that.”
[Milo]: “A-alright. You uhm, I’m sorry, ma’am I didn’t catch your name?”
[Saithe]: “Saithe!”
[Milo]: “Okay, uh, your friend Saithe said she needed to talk to you guys about something I’m going to see if I can find my- find Elama and figure out what’s going on with her. I’ll catch you guys later. I guess we can…look if she’s not willing to get this stuff set up I’ll see who I can scrounge together and we’ll get this stuff set up and we’ll be ready to leave by the morning. So if you guys want to rendezvous with me back here in the morning you guys can do whatever you need to. There’s some good bars around here I can recommend some places?”
[Saithe]: “I am down for a beer.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, uh so he recommends some local places to you guys and heads off to try and track down Elama. Bardon also kind of leaves at this point, very much without a word. He just gives a nod and salute and then leaves. As you guys head out towards I assume – really just once you head out of the Thieves’ Guild, all of you give me a raw luck check real quick.”
[Drew]: “ Ohohoho, that’s a 17.”
[Christina]: “Thatsatwo.”
[Caitie]: “9”
[Jordan]: To Christina “A what?”
[Christina]: “A 2.”
[Jordan]: “Oh, okay. So Winterra! You feel something poke at like the back of your calf.”
[Christina]: “Oh. I look down?”
[Music changes to bazaar music]]
[Jordan]: “There’s a weird little jellyfish creature there.”
[Christina]: “Oh! concerned Did I step on it?”
[Jordan]: “No! It’s standing next to you, like it doesn’t come up very high like it’s maybe half a foot tall, but it also appears to be holding a piece of paper in its hand- and it kind of holds it up to you.”
[Christina]: “Okay. Um-I kind of crouch down and I take the paper from it.”
[Jordan]: “Once you take the paper it turns around and like dives into the ground, and then the ground sort of splashes like water and it’s just gone.”
[Winterra]: “Huh. That was weird.”
[Saithe]: “That was weird.”
[Jordan]: “Do you look at the note?”
[Christina]: “Yeah, what does it say?”
[Jordan]: “Uh-it’s actually a flyer for a different tavern. Not the one that Milo had told you about. It’s a place called, ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.’ And it’s not one any of you guys have ever heard of before but…you know they have interesting advertising if nothing else.”
[Arlo]: “Uh…now I will admit that- the safe option seems to be to go with the recommended place to have ourselves a drink. However! I cannot deny the uhm…how should we put this…uh-the raw cool ass factor of a receiving an invitation to a bar from a magic jellyfish. And erhm- ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern’ sounds like a good ass time.”
[Saithe]: “I’m inclined to believe it may be some sort of clue.”
[Christina]: “Winterra is kind of like not sure what to really think about taverns in general yet. But she is impressed by the jellyfish creature and wants to see if there will be more of them. So her vote currently is for Big Betty’s.”
[Jordan]: “So, it does actually have directions. Which is pretty amazing again considering that you’ve never actually heard of the place, and as you make your way over you find this…bizarre looking hut. Like it doesn’t look like it belongs there, it’s just kind of in the middle of- it almost looks like it was supposed to be an alleyway there but it’s just this weird…suuuper out of place building. And sure enough, on the top it says ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.’ Do you guys still go in?”
[Christina]: “Terra doesn’t think anything different of it because she- like I said she doesn’t really know what to expect of a tavern, so she continues approaching it like nothing’s out of place.”
[Jordan]: “Cool.”
[Caitie]: “Um! So Saithe is gonna like grab them both with her tail, like just to stop them for a minute-”
[Jordan]: amused “-her Herculean tail-”
[Caitie]: affirmatively “Her Herculean tail, yes!”
[Saithe]: “Hold on!”
[Drew]: “Does her tail have abs on it or some-”
[[Jordan and Caitie laugh]]
[Drew cont]]: “Like her tail has a six pack, I’m sure.”
[Caitie]: “I am tasking one of you to draw that.”
[Jordan]: “YES”
[[Drew laughs uncomfortably]]
[Jordan]: “It’s just an arm for a tail.”
[Drew]: “Her tail is just Lou Ferrigno’s arm.”
[[Jordan and Caitie both laugh more]]
[Saithe]: “There are a few things I want to talk about this case. Firstly, I want to go with them – when they make the trek to drop off the money. Secondly, I definitely feel like there’s more to that note and a reason why we’re here. Both of you please keep an eye out. Having been a bounty hunter for many years now I…I’m rather accustomed to these things. Nothing ever comes without a reason. Just pay attention to your surroundings.”
[Drew]: “Arlo like tips his hat and says-”
[Arlo]: “Copy that good buddy.”
[Jordan]: “Okay, so-as you guys go in for all intents and purposes it does look like a normal bar. And someone approaches you and they have…they have a bizarre appearance to them. They have bluish skin and they almost appear to be covered in seaweed? They have like really mangled up teeth – and I actually want you guys to go ahead and roll me an arcana check.”
[Drew]: “Oooo, no. That…is. A. Four.”
[Caitie]: “15. And it’s not like a straight 15, it’s a 13 plus a 2 modifier.”
[Jordan]: “What’d Winterra get.”
[Christina]: “7”
[Jordan]: “Alright, well you two just see this random blue person but it’s not like y’all are terribly normal… Saithe! You’ve heard of what this thing is and you’re definitely concerned by seeing a sea hag just walk up to you.”
[Caitie]: “Oh yeah.”
[Drew]: “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm”
[Jordan]: “And, as she approaches you, she says-”
[[Note: Big Betty’s voice is highly over exaggerated, a roller coaster of tone and pitch, how someone might sound if they constantly had a wad of bread stuck in their throat see also: hillbilly grandma]]
[Sea Hag]: “Hello there! Welcome to ‘Big Betty’s Wandering Tavern.’ I’m Big Betty! Table for three?!”
[Winterra]: “Yes please”
[Saithe]: uncomfortably “Yeees.”
[Big Betty]: “Right this way!”
[Jordan]: “And she turns around and just walks over to a table and has you guys seated. And she hands you all these like wet menus.”
[Big Betty]: “Well can I get you guys anything to drink?”
[Arlo]: “I’ll have a whiskey, neat.”
[Big Betty]: “Cooool. And the rest of you?”
[Saithe]: “A…a strong ale. Please.”
[Big Betty]: “And what about the hairy one?”
[Winterra]: “What do you recommend?”
[Big Betty]: “Hm…I’ll just get you an alcohol too.”
[Winterra]: “Mmmm.”
[Christina]: “She thinks for a second. And she looks at her, she looks at everyone and she’s like-”
[Winterra]: “Is alcohol…is alcohol like a good thing? Is that just like…what’s it like?”
[Arlo]: “Friend have you never had a drink before?!”
[Winterra]: “I mean that depends. There’s like, juices and stuff we have in the forest but um…and water, but I mean other-”
[Saithe]: “Imagine eating berries that have sat and fermented for awhile.”
[Winterra]: “Oh! We do that a lot. Okay, that’s fun. Yes, um alcohol is fine.”
[Christina]: “She just didn’t know what the word for alcohol is.”
[Jordan]: “Um, you look up to tell her that and she is already gone.”
[Christina]: “Oh great…”
[[Drew laughs followed by Christina]]
[Drew]: “Oh good!”
[Jordan]: “As you guys look at the menu you see that there’s a lot of different things. I’ll break down fundamentally how this works because there is a mechanic behind all the stuff here. There’s basically different kinds of- it’s all broken down into flavors. So you have just plain old regular unflavored, spicy, sweet, savory, sour, bitter, or the house special. And that’s basically what you guys see. Not a lot as far as what a menu is concerned. After a couple of sec- uh, a couple of minutes Big Betty comes back and she slaps down three drinks-they look identical- and she says,”
[Big Betty]: “Here you go! Have you had time to look at the menu?!”
[Saithe]: “A little more time, if you please.”
[Big Betty]: “Okaaay.”
[Jordan]: “And she turns around and walks away.”
[Caitie]: “She really wants to tell them about what this woman is but she desperately searches in her backpack and like is trying to find a pencil or quill or something like-”
[Jordan]: “You have one.”
[Caitie]: “Sweet. So she grabs a napkin and she-”
[Jordan]: “Oh no, there’s no napkins.”
[Caitie]: “…she”
[[[Jordan and Drew laugh]]
[Caitie]: “…that’s…fair…”
[Jordan]: “No, you-you have paper, calm down.”
[Drew]: “Just…so I grab a napkin, fuck you there’s no napkins.”
[Caitie]: “Uh-so she grabs a piece of paper and she writes down basically what this woman is and what, in the simplest terms that she can, what she’s capable of. And why she’s concerned, you know, despite the fact that they can’t see she’s concerned ‘cause she can’t express any emotion except for happiness…”
[Jordan]: “Yeah I guess if anyone could have noticed it’s probably best that you did.”
[Caitie]: “I know right?”
[Drew]: “So Arlo after reading the paper kind of like softly folds it up and does just has like a thousand yard stare of ‘oh. Oh dear.’ And then hands it over to Winterra.
[Christina]: “What does the paper say like, aside from like, that she’s a sea- is there anything like… what exactly is she capable of doing, did you tell us?”
[Jordan]: “Okay, so sea hags they’re typically known as like one of the weaker variations on hags. But hags are also still known as incredibly powerful fey creatures. They have abnormally large strength for their appearance and they’re also capable of casting a lot of very dangerous spells. But sea hags in general are known for being aquatic in nature, as well as they have an ability known as ‘death glare.’ Which is particularly terrifying in that she can outright kill someone if she wanted to.”
[Christina]: “So don’t make her mad. Cool.”
[Drew]: “Which is why I spent the whole early part of that going ‘mmmmmmmmmm, noooooo.’”
[Christina]: “Great. So Winterra knows just to not make her angry. That sounds like a plan.”
[Jordan]: “And as you put the note down, she appears once again,”
[Big Betty]: “Have you had enough time to look over the menu?”
[Caitie]: “Saithe very quickly just like grabs up the menu and points at something random on it.”
[Big Betty]: “Oooh, the house special! Good choice!”
[Christina]: “What do the prices look like on this menu?”
[Jordan]: “……um…theylooklikesomethingIprobablyshouldhavethoughtofbeforehand”
[[Caitie and Drew laugh]]
[Caitie]: “That sounds like you Mr. Encoutremont.”
[Jordan]: “Don’t worry about it.”
[Christina]: “Okay. Winterra, uh…Winterra also says she’s going to do the house special.”
[Big Betty]: “Ooooh, two house specials, very nice. And youuuu?”
[Arlo]: “Uh well, I’m not one to rock the boat. So it’ll be a house special for me as well.”
[Big Betty]: “House specials all around, wonderful! I’ll be back in a moment!”
[Jordan]: “And she once again heads off to God knows where. So while you guys are waiting for your food you do notice a few things about this tavern aside from the bizarre person running it…first of all! All the patrons here seem to be normal, like none of them are weird fey creatures. They’re just like travelling people, towns people, things like that. A lot of them are doing usual tavern stuff playing card games, gambling on stuff- uh, one thing that does catch your attention as a little bit strange. There is a grand piano in the corner that is playing music but you don’t see anyone there.”
[Saithe]: “Perhaps it’s automatic.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe is going to sniff her beer.”
[Jordan]: “Roll me investigation.”
[Arlo]: “Oh wait shit, let me see if I have any cleric shit about poison…”
[Caitie]: “Ah..haha – 23”
[Jordan]: “It’s definitely unlike any drink you’ve seen before. Uhm, you’re pretty sure you see some things floating in there but it does still ultimately smell like good alcohol, it just…upon visual inspection is a bit questionable.”
[Caitie]: “Fair enough.”
[Jordan]: “But it doesn’t look like drinking it would kill you. No more than regular alcohol would. Are you- are you gonna drink it?”
[Caitie]: “Ah, yeah sorry! Yeah- I am going to take a small sip.”
[Jordan]: “Anyone else?”
[Christina]: “Terra sees that Saithe is okay drinking it and so she follows.”
[Drew]: “Arlo sees both of them drink and waits…to see what happens.”
[[Christina laughs]]
[Jordan]: “Okay! Winterra. Saithe. Roll me a con save please.”
[Christina]: “Uh…that’s a 19.”
[Caitie]: “Jeesus christ, you’re not going to believe this.”
[Jordan]: “What.”
[Caitie]: “It’s a nat 20.”
[Jordan]: “Oh. Shit! Guys, this is like the best fucking drink you’ve ever had! Like yeah, there’s some weird stuff in it but it tastes fucking amazing and boy does it go down good.”
[Christina]: “Neat.”
[Jordan]: “So Arlo, what you doing.”
[Drew]: “So they both drink and generally seem to be fine, ‘like oh this is delicious’ -”
[Jordan]: maybe too eagerly “So you have a drink?”
[Drew]: “Uhm, Arlo sees this and says,
[Arlo]: “Hm…better safe than sorry!”
[Drew]: “And casts protection from poison on himself.”
[Jordan]: amused “Okay”
[Drew]: “And then throws his drink back.”
[Jordan]: “That I will just say you don’t have to roll but you also don’t get the positive effect of it either. OR, the potential positive effect. Is that fair?”
[Drew]: “I’ll take that, yeah.”
[Jordan]: “Okay cool, Winterra and Saithe, for saving that- for the rest of this adventure, like until this job is done, you guys have advantage on all saving throws.”
[Christina]: “Oh cool!”
[Caitie]: “Hella!”
[Jordan]: “After a little bit, Big Betty comes back with three plates of what I can only describe as ‘God knows what’.”
[Christina]: “Oh no.”
[Jordan]: “And she just slams them down in front of you. And says-”
[Big Betty]: “Enjoooooy!”
[Jordan]: “And just vanishes again. Though as she does, I want you guys to roll me a quick perception check.”
[Christina]: “So that’s a 23.”
[Drew]: “That’s a 12.”
[Caitie]: “18!”
[Jordan]: “So as Betty walks away she turns back around and says,”
[Big Betty]: “I hope you enjoyed it! I made sure to make that one special. If not, then you let Betty know that that’s her fault, not mine-I work hard in that kitchen.”
[Jordan]: “And you guys notice, this is still just Betty but she’s wearing a different hat.”
[Christina]: “Oh.”
[Jordan]: “And she meanders into the back.”
[Drew]: “Concern.”
[Jordan] snickers ”Only now? So you guys have your food in front of you-and don’t ask me to describe it because I CAN’T. It’s…again, it…similar to the drink it is not something that will pass any sort of physical like or optical inspection. You have no clue what the fuck.”
[Christina]: “Does it smell like anything Winterra has eaten before? Like…like a meat or a vegetable of some kind that she would recognize?”
[Jordan]: “Smells- uh – roll me investigation. I’ll say with advantage ‘cause you’re a…feral creature… for lack of better terms.”
[Christina]: “Ok…12 and…so 12.”
[Jordan]: “Uh…smells like fish.”
[Christina]: “Fish. Okay, that makes sense given all I know. Okay. Some kind of fish…I will-cautiously take a bite.”
[Jordan]: “A’ight.”
[Caitie]: “Saithe just, Saithe, you know Saithe liked the beer so she’s just gonna imitates scarfing noises”
[Jordan]: “Alright. Does Arlo?”
[Drew]: “Um, Arlo still has advantage on poison saving throws so he’s just gonna like- unhinge his big ass dragon mouth and just pour that shit all in.”
[Jordan]: “Everyone roll me a con save, Andrew gets advan- actually no you ALL get advantage because the other two of you passed your first con save. So yeah, roll a con save with advantage, all of you.”
[Christina]: “Uh, 20, non nat.”
[Drew]: “That is a 17.”
[Caitie]: “16!”
[Jordan]: “Wow y’all are doing fucking good this time. Okay, so. As you guys partake in this meal, once again it actually tastes really good. And you actually feel heartier for it. For the rest, of this mission,”
[[Drew begins giggling excitedly]]
[Jordan cont]: “You have resistance to physical damage.”
[Drew]: “NICE”
[Christina]: “Sweet!”
[Caitie]: “Whaaaaat!”
[Jordan]: “Bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing will do half.”
[Caitie]: “Oh my god.”
[Drew]: “Yo, Betty is a real one.”
[Christina]: “And you said this is for the duration of the Milo mission?”
[Jordan]: “Yeah no, while you guys are handling this, two of you have advantage on saving throws and all of you are resistant to physical damage.”
[Christina]: “Cool.”
[Jordan]: “So as you guys enjoy your meals and all that stuff, as you guys get to the tail end of it. Once again Big Betty comes up towards you guys, roll me another perception check.”
[Christina]: “Oh damn this die is rolling really good. That’s a 22.”
[Caitie]: “14.”
[Drew]: “I got a 10.”
[Jordan]: “Eh, that’s actually good enough. Big Betty comes up to you guys and she says,”
[Big Betty]: “So, did you guys enjoy the meal?”
[Jordan]: “And once again- same person, different hat. But it’s entirely separate from the first two.”
[Arlo]: “Um…well…yes third Betty who is a different person from the first two Betty’s the meal was quite delicious.”
[Big Betty]: “That’s a weird way of addressing me but thank you for noticing.”
[[Christina and Drew snicker]]
[Big Betty]: “I’ll be sure to let the chef and your waitress know, I just wanted to make sure you guys were enjoying yourselves here. I’m actually the head proprietress here- I’m Betty!”
[Arlo]: “Well hello Betty, it is wonderful to meet you-”
[Saithe]: “You came highly recommended to us.”
[Big Betty]: “Ah yes, I take great pride in my establishment. We only serve the finest of foods and drink.”
[Arlo]: “I will say, that meal is one of the best ones I’ve had in a good while.”
[Drew]: “And he like, he tips his hat again.”
[[Christina Caitie speak over one another for a moment, then break apart again]]
[Christina]: “Terra is rubbing her hands on her belly. She’s taking both her hands and rubbing them up and down her stomach.”
[Winterra]: “That was so good.”
[Saithe]: “I don’t often complement people, but my compliments to the chef.”
[Big Betty]: “Aw, that’s very kind of you. I’ll be sure to let her know that you said that. I hope to see you all again soon, farewell!”
[Jordan]: “And she runs into the back room. And then a few moments later Betty comes out again but with the second hat on when it was chef Betty and says,”
[Chef Betty]: “Thank you!”
[[Players laugh’]]
[Caitie]: “Awwww. You know, she’s kind of endearing.”
[Jordan]: “That’s what I try to make all my annoying characters, endearing!”
[Drew]: “Can I roll like a general insight or perception to see if there’s like a- someone around here who looks like a regular?”
[Jordan]: “I’ll say you can roll perception to see if there’s anyone who just feels nonplussed about the whole thing.”
[Drew]: “And with pluses that is a…aaaaaa 9. So probably not.”
[Jordan]: “Everyone just kinda seems to be doing their own thing, you don’t see anyone who stands out as ‘Ah yes, place-my favorite restaurant that I’ve been to since I was a boy!’ Nothing like that.”
[Drew]: “Ah. I was going to try and ask someone some questions about this place.”
[Jordan]: “I assume that’s all you guys want to do here?”
[Catie]: “Yeah.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so as you guys head out. I want you to make one last perception check before you leave for the doors.”
[Christina]: “That’s a 7.”
[Drew]: “That is an 11.”
[Caitie]: “I got a….16!”
[Jordan]: “Okay. Saithe, as you take one last look in, just your natural bounty hunter instincts doing their usual thing. Your eyes cross by the organ player; and, just out of the corner of your eye you barely see it – but you actually do see something playing. Or rather, two things. There are two dismembered hands that have been playing on the keyboard this entire time.”
[Caitie]: “Spooooooky.”
[Jordan]: “And with that you leave Big Betty’s.”
[[Tavern music stops playing]]
[Caitie]: “Her eyes are a little bit wider than usual.”
[Jordan]: “Alright, so you guys make your way out of there. It is much later at night. You were in there for, I’m sure what felt like hours of just wonderful wonderful times all around. As you guys decide to head over to wherever there might be a um, inn that you guys could stay at, you…I need you guys to make what might be one last perception check for the session.”
[[Ominous music begins]]
[Christina]: “A 19.”
[Drew]: “15.”
[Caitie]: “Ay, me too! (As Christina)”
[Jordan]: “As you guys are looking around for an inn or anything like that nature, you happen to see a hooded figure dip into a nearby alleyway across the street. It’s a fairly wide road, so they probably didn’t manage to see you. But you did manage to see them, and Saithe and Winterra, you two specifically manage to get a small peek under the hood. And you recognise – Elama – dipping into the alleyway. And this is where we will pause our tale for now.”
[[Ominous music stops]]
[Drew]: “Dun dun dun!”
[Caitie]: “Ooooooooh, I’m gonna kick that bitches ass!”
[[Jordan laughs]]
[Jordan]: “Thank you guys so much for listening, I had a blast doing this – our second episode. We’ll be having our next episode come out in another two weeks or so. But if you can’t wait that long, or you want to hear our thoughts about what actually happened in this episode, then head on over to our patreon at patron.com/agentsofdamned to get next week’s episode a little bit early, as well as our special after show, peek behind the scenes! Where we take a little bit to discuss what happened in the episode. Um, but aside from that we also have a couple things we’ve gotta plug!
If you guys happen to find yourselves in need, especially in these times when we’re all sort of holed up waiting to see how the world fixes itself and all such stuff I know you guys might be doing what we are doing and get started on some personal projects! Build up a brand and well, you can’t have a good brand without someone to help give you your image. And for that we trust ‘Black Feather Graphics.’ ‘Black Feather Graphics’ helped us with our logo for the podcast and I’ve used them for other projects in the past before. They’re extremely effective, their portfolio more than speaks for itself so head on over to blackfeathergraphics.com and again, just see what they’ve got! Let their work speak for itself. It’s fantastic, I guarantee it.
For those in the Charlotte area, maybe you need to stretch out your sweet tooth a little bit in these trying times. For that I recommend ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose.’ It’s a local Charlotte based Cheesecake bakery where they make all sorts of cheesecake – whatever you can think of: fruit based, cookie based, candy bar based, anything your diabetes wracked mind can comprehend, they can make. If you want to get in contact with them and fill your sweet tooth then go on over to facebook.com and look up ‘Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose.’
And once you’ve got all that done, then well you’re probably going to need to work off all them calories. If only we knew a good personal trainer…uh do any of you guys know someone like that?”
[Caitie]: facetious “No!”
[Drew]: musically “Now this looks like a job for me” laughs “-okay so,that was a terrible intro, but I stand by it-”
[[Caitie boos jokingly in the background]]
[Drew]: “But yeah, Kinetic Concepts Fitness, based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Check out my instagram at ‘kineticconceptsclt’ to keep abreast of things. I haven’t been updating it as much as usual given the whole COVID 19 outbreak that we’re all dealing with. And many of you may be thinking, ‘Aw man, you know I’ve really been wanting to get in shape and I’ve really been trying to keep in shape, but now every gym ever has closed. What ever shall I do?’ Virtual sessions son! You know, we link up that webcam and I’ll still guide you all the way through it. Very well thought out and well planned exercise programs – even my buddy Jordan here can attest to that as he has been making some excellent strides going forward with his training programs as well.”
[Jordan]: “He made me sexy!”
[Drew]: “Pl-please don’t phrase it like that.”
[Jordan]: “Would you rather the other way I’ve worded it in the past?”
[Drew]: “Um, no, the other way is much worse!”
[[Jordan, Drew, and Caitie talk at the same time]]
[Jordan]: “Okay then-”
[Caitie]: “Now I’m curious.”
[Drew]: “We’ll save it for the after show.”
[Jordan]: “Oh hell yeah, I’ll out that -why not!”
[Drew]: “Oh god.”
[Jordan]: “So where can they get in contact with you?”
[Drew]: “Yeah, like I said, check out that instagram, @kineticconceptsclt, contact me though and it also has my email available through there. Get in touch with me and we can get you started working towards those health and fitness goals.”
[Jordan]: “Cool cool! That’s going to do it for us this week, again, catch you all in the next couple weeks – bye!!”
[[Synchronized]]
[Christina]: “Bye!”
[Caitie]: “Bye!”
[Drew]: “Bye!”
Agents of DAMNED 