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Episode 1: New Recruits

Dr. Arlo Agon, Winterra Darknight, and Saithe begin their journey by heading for the headquarters of DAMNED. It’s their first day on the job, so how will they acclimate to their new employer, and fellow employees?

Episode Transcription

New Recruits

[[Medieval music playing]]

[Narrator]:  The forgotten realms are a land of adventure filled with perilous dungeons, ferocious dragons and fearless heros willing to brave them all.  There have been countless heart pounding adventures throughout the years.  Some of these adventures saw epic battles against deadly beasts while others felt deception and betrayal at the hands of once trusted allies.  

However, this story begins long after these other incredible tales.  The world no longer seeks to fight the forces of destruction, but to prevent them.  Yes! A new breed of adventurer has been born!  In a world ruled by laws and regulation, one organization stands at the forefront of calamity prevention:  The Department of Adventurers Maintaining Normality and Eradicating Debacles.  Or, as they are more commonly known – DAMNED.  

[[Theme music plays]]

[Jordan]:  Welcome to Agents of DAMNED!  Our lets play DND podcast, I am your sometimes benevolent, often malevolent dungeon master, Jordan Roman.  And I am joined by my uh, hopefully cooperative players.

[[Long pause]]

[Jordan]:  PLAYERS!

[Girl 1]:  Hahaha, I’m sorry I couldn’t resist.  You can’t say hopefully cooperative around me.  My name is Catie!  My character is Saithe.  Saithe is a tiefling rogue swashbuckler, um an urban bounty hunter and overall badass.  

[Jordan]:  Cool cool, who’s next!

[Girl 2]:  Hey guys!  I’m Christina, I’m playing Winterra Darknight, your favorite Druid of the Forest.  Our favorite catchphrase for her is “She speaks for the trees, if you burn them down – she’ll eat your knees.”

[Jordan]:  Perfect

[Caitie]:  Oh my gosh

[Guy 2]: You should probably let them know that you’re a bear.  Otherwise that’s deeply uncomfortable.  

[Christina]:  But yeah, she’s a shifter-

[Guy 2]:  -a bear shifter…-

[Christina]:  -A tooth shifter, YES, which is a bear shifter.  

[Jordan]:  Who are you other mysterious male voice?

[Guy 2]:  Oh shit yeah!  My name’s Drew McClain, I will be playing the good doctor, Arlo Agon – dragonborn war domain cleric.

[Jordan]:  Cool!  Quick note about that one he is not playing a typical dragonborn, because dragonborn are not typically that good in this game, so we made him a bit stronger.  We’ll talk about how when it becomes relevant!

But for now, why don’t we go ahead and get started now that introductions are out of the way.  As you guys may have – you the audience, not you my wonderful gaggle of friends- may have picked up from the intro piece, this is not a typical DnD campaign setting.  Well, it’s forgotten realms, but rather its not really about a group of adventurers going out trying to make a name for themselves, save the world – yadayadayada.  These guys actually work for an organization that helps to prevent disasters from happening in the first place.  And we are going to start their adventure on their first day.

Our adventure actually starts off in the middle of an ocean.  There we see a small fishing boat – nothing too crazy, just a single level type deal.  And it is piloted by a rather large, older looking minotaur.  He’s got a little bit of gray in him, but otherwise has reddish orange fur.  He’s got a look of an old sea cow that’s seen some shit- you know?

And other than him we obviously have our three adventurers who have just made their way onto the ship.  You guys are sailing off to the headquarters of the organization that you know to be the department of adventurers maintaining normality and eradicating debacles, otherwise known as DAMNED.  You guys have never actually met each other before, so how would you interact with your newfound coworkers?

[Saithe]:  Hi, I’m Saithe.  I promise that I will not kill you right away.  I can’t wait to get to know you.

[Winterra]:  Ah!  I feel the same!  

[Arlo]:  Uhm-  I…I’m not gonna lie, I was not expecting that as a first introduction, but I am Arlo.  I do hope we are heading to the same place for the same reasons, and that you don’t try to kill me?

[Saithe]:  Right away!

[Arlo]:  Super uncomfortable about that, but I guess we’ll roll with it!

[Caitie]:  Uhm, a good thing to note here is that Saithe never stops smiling – she always appears to be in a good mood and that will get explained more later on.  But she always appears to be OVERLY enthusiastic about everything.

[Jordan]:  Saithe is our happy little stab girl.  

[Caitie]:  Our happy little stab girl!

[Jordan]:  So as you guys are having the most uncomfortable first introduction ever, you see the older minotaur comes out and he says- 

[Minotaur]:  “I hope you all are gettin’ along all right.  I couldn’t help but overhear talks of murder already…we usually don’t get that this quickly in new recruits.

[Saithe]:  “I didn’t say it was happening right now”

[Minotaur]:  “Yeah- that’s still not something that’s said day one, that’s usually something we hear end of the second week type deal usually.”

[Saithe]:  “Huh!”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah uh”- and keep in mind Arlo has fully raised his hands- 

[Arlo]:  “Yeah uh, quick question.  Is that like, allowed?  I feel like that shouldn’t be allowed for uhm for anyone to try and uh murder me…I feel like that’s a bit much I understand there’s the dangers of the job and all that.  But I thought there would be like camaraderie and all that.  Start with some trust building exercises or something. Maybe less stabbing.  She has a knife, I can visibly see it.  Don’t like it, don’t like that one bit.”

[Minotaur]:  “Alright- just to clarify I’m not saying it’s normal for our associates to stab each other, I’m just saying it’s not uncommon for tensions to get high”  …he turns to Saithe – “on that note uh, please DON’T stab anyone, I would greatly appreciate that, especially not on my boat, I do still use this when I’m not ferrying people over to the headquarters.”  

[Saithe]:  “Fair enough!”

[Winterra]:  Winterra chimes in “Ah yes.  Blood is very hard to get out of wood.”

[Minotaur]:  “I’m not even going to ask how you know that…uhm – name’s Yarvem, by the way before we get too far into ah, whatever this is.”

[Arlo]:  “Hello Mr. Yarvem”

[Yarvem]:  “Pleasure Mr. ah- what was…?”

[Arlo]:  “Oh!  Doctor actually, the good doctor Arlo Agon.”  And he’s wearing a little hat and he tips it.

[Yarvem]:  “Pleasure doctor.  So what exactly do you know about DAMNED?”

[Saithe]:  “We’re going to help people.”

[Yarvem]:  “Welp, gotta admit, that’s a first as far as not knowing shit.  What about the rest of you two.  You know anything?”

[Winterra]:  “We are going to prevent issues from becoming issues.”

[Yarvem]:  “Better…”

[Arlo]:  “Uh, in my experience I’ve heard good things about the DAMNED,  Seems like the whole organization is devoted to I guess uh, preventative maintenance of situations?  Things that can spiral out of control…they tend to get in there first hand and be like, ‘hey there partner hold up on there that one.’”

[Yarvem]:  “I admit, you’ve got the closest about anyone ever has, that’s about the gist of it.”

[Arlo]:  “Hell yeah, ten points!”

[Yarvem]:  “Oh we’re going to like you, son!”

[Jordan]:  “And as you guys are having this fun little discourse, why don’t we play some DnD!  Roll me a perception check.”  

[Drew]:  “Hooray, dice!”   [[dice roll]] “Oh no!”

[Jordan]:  “Sounds like you did great…what’d you get?”  

[Drew]:  “So like numbers are just subjective, right?”

[Jordan]:  “Uhm- no, numbers are literally what bind you to your skills.  Tell me what you got you sack of shit.”  

[Drew]:  “Uhm, so a 9.”


[Jordan]: OH

[Drew]:  “Oh what?!”

[Christina]:  “I guess my roll doesn’t even matter then-”

[Jordan]:  “NOPE!  Did you  do better than a 9?”

[Christina]:  “Yes.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay then you’re not the most insignificant, congratulations.”

[Drew]:  “You can’t see, but I’m flipping you off.”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, I can feel it.”

[Drew]:  “Good.”

[Jordan]:  “So Saithe, as this is going on, you notice the water is starting to get a little rougher.  The boat is starting to sway a bit more than it should.  There’s no storm clouds or anything so you know it’s not the weather, but something is definitely upsetting the water around here.”

[Saithe]:  “Hm…”

[Yarvem]:  “Something on your mind?”

[[Dramatic background music starts playing and increasing in volume]]

[Saithe]:  “Me thinks we’re not alone here.”

[Yarvem]:  “Okay first of all, I don’t think you actually talk like that, gonna have to ask you to not do that.  Very insensitive.  Second, the fuck you’re talking about.”

[Saithe]:  Innocently “Talk like what?”

[Yarvem]:  “Why do you think something’s wrong?!”

[Saithe]:  “The water – it’s very choppy here, in a way that’s not normal for the ocean.”

[Yarvem]:  “Huh – fair point actually”

[Jordan]:  “And as he says this it starts to get visibly choppier to the point where no perception rolls are needed y’all for sure see it where the boat starts to rock”

[Christina]:  “No thanks”

[Jordan]:  “And soon the ocean in front of you seems to explode as a giant beast emerges from the water in front of your ship”

[Saithe]: deadpan “We’re in danger.”

[Arlo]:  Arlo raises his hand and is like, “Uhm, Captain – Mr. Captain sir, there’s a thing.”

[Yarvem]:  “YEAH, thanks for noticing – TAKE CARE OF IT”

[Jordan]:  “And everyone needs to roll me some initiative.  Also while you guys are at it, roll me some nature checks too.  Arlo you get advantage.”

[Drew]:  “Yay!”

[Christina]:  “What should we roll first initiative or nature?”

[Jordan]:  “I don’t know surprise me”

[Caitie]:  “Initiative 15, nature 2”

[Jordan]:  “Cool cool”

[Drew]:  “Initiative 16, nature that’s going to be an 18”

[Jordan]:  “Okay doing better”

[Christina]:  “Uhm, not great.  So I got an 8 for initiative and nature is an 11.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so you are doing great as the middle ground so far.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay!  So as far as those nature checks:  Saithe- as far as you know the water just blew up.  Winterra – you see that a giant sea turtle seems to have come upon the ship.  Which you’re not openly familiar with that given that you’re more of a foresty person so you recognize it has turtle-eque features and is in the sea therefore it is probably a sea turtle…just real big!

Arlo!  This is a sea turtle, but not the normal kind.  this is a fucking dragon turtle that has come upon you guys.”

[Drew]:  “Why is that what it is!”

[Jordan]:  “Oh cause.  There’s not a giant turtle thing and I decided fuck you guys.  Arlo you’re up first!

It is close to the ship, but it has not done anything yet.   It is just looking at you guys and it looks very angry.”

[Drew]:  “Wait, with the roll I got, would I know if it speaks Draconic.”

[Jordan]:  “Erm, I would say…yeah.  Since you recognize it is a creature of draconic descent then yes, you would have reason to believe this thing can speak draconic.”

[Drew]:  “Well rather than try and piss it off real good, Arlo is going to wave both his hands in the air and say in draconic-”

[Arlo]:  “Woah, hold on there partner uh, we’re just trying to pass on through here.  No need for anyone to go about smashing ships – not to say that’s what you would be doing! But uh, we would prefer that you would not do that to us, as we would not want to…drown!”

[Jordan]:  “The dragon turtle gets closer to the ship- specifically it’s head- it’s right on top of you and you’re realizing just how big this thing is.  Like you could crawl inside its nostril and have some arm room.  Not a lot, but more than you should in a creature’s nose.”

[Winterra]:  “Have courage!”

[Arlo]:  Sarcastically “Awesome!”

[Jordan]:  “And it does actually mutter back to you in draconic.”

[Dragonturtle]: Angrily “Why. Are. You. here?!”

[Arlo]:  Arlo will respond “Oh we’re just, like we said just kinda passin through, as the sea is travelled by many we are just ourselves travelling on through.”

[Dragonturtle]:  losing patience “Where…DO YOU GO?!”

[Arlo]: hesitently “Erhm, just you know.  Around.  Around the block.  As you do.  Stretching our sea legs so to speak.  Just heading out into…stuff…”

[Jordan]:  “The dragon turtle backs up a bit and lets out a loud roar.  Saithe, you’re up”

[Saithe]:  “Whaaat are you saying to him!?”

[Arlo]:  “He wants to know where we’re going and I don’t, uh, I’ve not met this feller before and I’m not sure he’s not fully friendly.”

[Saithe]:  “I think the best policy in this case might be honesty.  And I’m not saying that because I’m shitting bricks.”

[[The guys laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Do you have an actual move, because Arlo has done his thing with the dragon turtle for this turn”

[Caitie]:  “I do not know draconic I only know common, infernal, and thieves cant.  So unless the dragon turtle is going to speak infernal, I uh-”

[Jordan]:  “If the dragon turtle speaks infernal, ya’ll have much bigger problems!!”

[Caitie]:  “Exactly!”

[[All laugh]]

[Caitie]:  “I’m going to go ahead and say that there’s not much she can do.  She’s definitely not going to take this thing down in a fight.  It seems like “Argo” has it under control, you know…for what it’s worth.

She’s just going to step back and put her hood up and flick her hands forward like, go on tell him – tell him!”

[Jordan]:  “Just going to put this out there since I know you’re not as experienced with 5e as the rest of us are.  If you wanted to you can hold an action – I’m not sure if this is something that existed in previous versions but you can just have an action you can do upon a trigger and just hold your action.”

[Caitie]:  “Yeah I’ll hold an action”

[Jordan]:  “Okay then that brings it to Winterra.”

[Christina]:  “Sweet!  So it says I can speak to beasts, as a part of my druid features.  Erm, so I want to try talking to it as well.”  

[Winterra]: loudly “So I don’t know what he said, but we are just trying to get through the waters, we don’t mean harm!”

[Jordan]:  “It just roars, I’m sorry it counts as technically a dragon, a beast is a different classification so I’m going to have to say this isn’t a thing you can do with this guy.”

[Christina]:  “Okay – I tried.”

[Drew]:  “Womp womp”

[Christina]:  “It would have probably just been in common I’m guessing anyway since I’m assuming the beasts would just be able to understand you, so that’s what I try.”

[Jordan]:  “No – it was a fair attempt.  Again, as far as you are concerned this thing is a giant sea turtle.”

[Christina]:  “Yep”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo has failed to mention what this thing actually is, I’m guessing he assumed you both knew.”

[Arlo]:  “I mean how could you not know I mean it’s like the first thing you learn in draconic class.  You all speak draconic right?”

[Winterra]:  “Noooooooooooo”

[Arlo]:  “Wow, uneducated.  Alright.”

Angry druid related mumbling from Winterra

[Jordan]:  “Do you have anything else you can do Winterra or is that it?”

[Christina]:  “That’s pretty much it”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, that does bring it around to the dragon turtle’s turn.  And it’s going to come up closer to Arlo again since Arlo was the only one able to do anything it could comprehend.  It is going to get uncomfortably close.  And it is going to say to you-”

[Dragon turtle]: still angry  “Where are you going. Tell me when you travel through my domain.”

[Arlo]:  “Uhm, well…I suppose it’s no trouble in saying that we are technically headin to the headquarters of uhm DAMNED.  And that’s where we’re heading and uh, and that’s where we’re heading to do that. Right there.”

[Jordan]:  “It starts to growl very angrily, you have an idea-”

[Arlo]:  “Or, or! We could be going to not there if that’s not what you like-”

[Jordan]:  “And as the growl intensifies it gets somehow closer, like it’s trying to whisper in your ear – I assume dragonborn have ears.  I dunno… your draconic earhole and it says”

[Dragon turtle]:  “As I always say, honesty is the best policy”

[Arlo]:  In common I say “Are you fucking serious”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “And Yarvem puts a hand on your shoulder and says-”

[Yarvem]:  “Not bad, most people are actually stupid enough to try and fight him”

[Yarvem to the dragon turtle]:  “Not bad Narref!”

[Jordan]:  And the dragon turtle backs up and IN COMMON says-

[Dragon turtle]: smugly “This is always the best part of the job.”

[Arlo]:  “I don’t like this boat anymore”

[Jordan]: “Well good news, this is your stop!”

[Yarvem]:  “Let’s do this Narref!”

[Jordan]:  “And Narref starts to sink back into the ocean, but he kind of stops so just the top of his shell is exposed.  And you can see that one of the uh – you’ll have to forgive me I’m not very well versed in turtle terminology – one of the spots on its shell is different from the rest of them.  Most of them, I’ll say mounds I think, are spotted, one of them is this large ruby and Yarvim points towards it and says-”

[Yarvem]:  “Well what are you waiting for, HQ is up ahead”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe uses her tail to pole vault off the ship onto the turtle’s back”

[Yarvem]:  “I think she’ll do well here.”

[Drew]:  “Arlo just kind of meanders on and is like-”

[Arlo]:  “Sure fine fine, just going to mess with everyone that’s fine.  That’s real polite.”

[Christina]:  “Terra looks displeased, but she climbs on and follows everyone.”

[Jordan]:  “So as you guys make your way onto the dragon turtle, whose name you now know as Narref.  The gem begins to glow and you guys instantly find yourselves engulfed in this bright red light and when you open your eyes again you find yourselves in what looks like the void of space if space was red- ruby red.  Like the gem you were just in.  And you realize that the gem is actually a pocket dimension.  And the most and only notable thing is the castle that stands before you floating in the middle of this space.  And the doors are wide open and a small boy appears to be standing there”

[Saithe]:  “Hello miniature human”

[Small boy]:  “Hi scary lady!  You guys the new recruits?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes – we are here with the DAMNED”

[Small boy]:  “Yeah that’s us, thanks”

[Arlo]:  “Cool I was hoping this wasn’t the wrong cross dimensional dragon turtle.”

[Small boy]:  “You know a lot of those?”

[Arlo]:  “You don’t know my life”

[Small boy]:  “That’s interesting.  Let’s go!”

[Jordan]:  “So as you guys follow this boy, first of all he’s not walking- he’s just floating, so that’s a thing.  He’s a very happy young lad, like he’s got a pep in his – well I guess I can’t say step he’s floating…”

[Drew]:  “Pep in his float?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah he’s got a good pep in his float, humming a tune and is otherwise ignoring you guys for some reason.  But he eventually leads you through – the castle is massive it takes you a good while to get through there- to these large double doors and says-”

[Small boy]:  “Well, boss lady is in there!  Good luck guys!  Hopefully she doesn’t scare the shit out of you like everybody else!”

[Arlo]:  “Is that like a running theme of this place that you guys are trying to scare the piss out of us”

[Small boy]:  “Oh, nonono Narref just does that for fun.  The boss lady is just a bitch!”

[Arlo]: “I feel like that’s probably frowned upon but alright”

[Small boy]:  “I mean, she can’t do too much to me, I’m too important to the organization.  Name’s Oudart by the way, I just realized I never introduced you for the twenty or so minutes I was guiding you.”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah we did walk in uncomfortable silence for awhile”

[Oudart]:  “Well you guys didn’t say anything either so – BYE!”  And he teleports away.

[Saithe]:  “I like that kid”

[Jordan]:  “Alright so you guys find yourselves in front of these large imposing double doors and otherwise at the mercy of this giant castle that you know literally nothing about inside a pocket dimension on a giant dragon turtle.  What do you do?”

[Caitie]:  “I’m gonna knock”

[Jordan]:  “Okay – you do a good little knock and from inside you hear-” 

[Stern female voice]:  “Come in.” 

[Caitie]:  “I push the doors open in front of me and slowly enter.”

[Jordan]:  “As you open the doors you see what almost looks like a king’s throne room with all sorts of bizarre decorum all around you.  There’s the stuffed remains of various beasts and such things.  Not like ordinary things but like monsters.  There’s a beholder’s husk uh…I dunno go through the monster manual!

The one thing that does stand out is the large table at the end there’s all sorts of magical encoutrement on there like there’s a lot of books, a crystal ball, several actually from the looks of it some of which you guys might recognize as speaking stones-”  

[Caitie, in disbelief]:  “You are going to use the word encoutrement but you are not going to take the FUCKING TIME TO LOOK INTO WHAT BEASTS ARE ON THE WALL”

[Jordan]:  “Encoutrement I can pull out my ass, the monsters I have to pull out the monster manual, and that’s a thicc tome.”

[Drew]:  “Wait hold on I got you:” clears throat

[Arlo]:  “Woaaah!  There’s a, there’s a on the wall here, there’s the taxidermied corpse of a high vampire, that’s some, that’s some pretty hard stuff to take on there.  And WHOA, and entire reconstructed skeleton for a giant gold dragon!  Praise it!  Crazy stuff is happening in this office!  This office is huge and has all sorts of crazy cool ass shit!”  

[Jordan]:  deadpan “Are you done”

[Arlo]:  “Woah, are these nunchucks?!  Wait, are these nunchucks on fire!!?”

[Catie]:  “Why.”

[Drew]:  “If you’re not going to fill it, then I’m going to fill it in.”

[Jordan]:  “Know your place welp, I’m the DM, I decide what details get filled in!  And the one detail I am going to fill in is the very irate green dragonborn who is sitting at that table.  Who is noting Arlo just kind of pointing around at everything without acknowledging her presence and she is notably pissed.”

[Saithe]:  “Hello my lady.  Please forgive my companion here.  He’s very easily excitable.”

[Female dragonborn]:  “Yes.  I noticed.  Are you three idiots the new recruits?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes ma’am, we are your idiots.  For your doing.”

[Female dragonborn]:  “You might actually last here.  Step forward.”

[Christina]:  “Terra kind of squints at the word idiot but she doesn’t really say anything she’s just not super thrilled at being called an idiot.”  

[Jordan]:  “I imagine the rest of you aren’t either, but…”

[Drew]:  “Arlo kind of takes his hat into both of his hands like a sad cowboy who knows he’s messed up and he’s like-”

[Arlo]:  “I-I-I do apologize ma’am, that was mighty rude of me.”

[Green dragonborn]: losing what little patience she had  “Agreed.  Step for-ward.”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe pushes the both of them forward with her tail and steps forward herself.”  

[Jordan]:  “How big is your tail??”

[Arlo]:  “Got damn that thing’s strong!”

[Jordan]:  “I think your tail needs its own character sheet, jesus.  

So- as you guys step/are pushed forward the green scaled dragon born looks at you and says- 

[Female dragonborn]:  “Well, let’s go ahead and get the obvious out of the way.  I am Raiann Delmirev.  I am going to be your new boss.  No need to introduce yourselves, I already know who you are.  Saithe, an urban bounty hunter who has made it their life’s goal to eradicate anyone who is unfortunate enough to be on their list or take them in.  I don’t know, I don’t pay that much attention I just noticed you have an impressive record.”

[Saithe]:  “Thank you ma’am”

[Raiann]:  “Winterra you appear to be renowned as a forest guardian amongst those who actually live in the forest and while I can’t claim to understand why you accepted our offer to work for us I must say if you can work so hard to fend off the forest’s natural predators I hope the insight you glean from that will be most beneficial to our organization.”

[Winterra]:  “I hope so.”

[Raiann]:  “And then of course…there’s Doctor Arlo Agon.  One of the infamous Agon clan.  I can only hope that you’re….while I will admit presently lacking track record doesn’t offer much, that you inherited much from your legendary mother.”  

[Arlo]:  “Oh yeah, she is, uh…pretty well known as a bit of a spitfire there, no pun intended ma’am.  But I-I do dare say that I- I handle myself pretty well.  You know, everyone needs a doctor around.  To make sure no one does die.”

[Raiann]:  “Especially in this line of work as you’ll soon find out. Wells there’s a lot of things we’ll need to get out of the way, especially considering I already have work for you all.  You’ll find that we’re quite busy here rather frequently.  But we do have some…minor details we have to work out first.  Just some basic book keeping.  First of all, and I almost loathe saying this part out loud because no one ever takes it seriously.  sighs  You’re all going to need a name for your little group so it’s easier to address you.”

[Arlo]:  “P-Pardon?”

[Raiann]:  “I’m sorry did I stutter?”

[Saithe]:  “I have an idea!  We are working under the DAMNED, why not, AGENTS of DAMNED?”

[Raiann]: “Hmmm”

[Drew]:  “Roll credits!”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “You guys see Raiann turn her head up a little bit and she goes-

[Raiann]:  “You know, it’s weird.  We’ve been doing this for almost twenty years, and no one has said that one yet.”  

[Saithe]:  “Huh.”

[Arlo]:  “Really?”

[Raiann]:  “Huh.  Well then.  Is that going to be the one you do?”  

[Saithe]:  “Agents of the DAMNED it is I think!  What do you two think?”  

[Arlo]:  “I was going to say the friday night friend pals, but I think Agents of the DAMNED will sound a lot cooler”

[Raiann]:  “I might just shorten it to Agents for the sake of calling you all in, but officially I suppose you will be known as ‘Agents of the DAMNED.’”  

[Jordan]:  “The next thing she does is she pulls out this giant tome and passes it over to you guys.”

[Raiann]:  “This is going to be your official DAMNED manual.  This has all the rules and regulations that help ensure our world doesn’t fall into calamity.  You will do well to know what it says, however if you don’t have the time to read it like good employees then you can just reference it in the field.  It is up to date in every way.  It might help you out.  I don’t know.”  

[Jordan]:  “And the way this is going to work is if you guys ever need to come up with some sort of weird loophole for something then you guys can consult the manual.  And you guys will give me a history check if you take the time to study it during non mission days then you guys can gain bonuses to whatever you decide to consult it.  But for right now it is just straight up history, whenever that happens to be.  So that’s just a tool that you guys will have going forward.”

[Caitie]:  “Okay”

[Drew]:  “Neat!”

[Jordan]:  “After she hands that to you she goes-”

[Raiann]:  “Well now that we have gotten all of the formalities out of the way, as I said – we already have work for you.  You’re going-”

[Saithe]:  “What would you have us do madam?”

[Raiann]:  “Don’t interrupt me first of all.”

[Saithe]:  “My apologies”

[Raiann]:  “Well, at least you have your manners.  So, I am going to need you all to head over to the town of Neverwinter.  It appears, the local theive’s guild is getting up to some rather unusual trouble.  Not like the usual kind, like they used to do back before they were regulated, actually it is really rather unusual… They’re hoarding money for the lack of better terms.  As I’m sure you all know, it is now illegal for any establishment to hold a certain amount of gold, treasure, loot, whatever you want to call it-in any one place.  Because, it tends to attract – as she motions towards the golden dragon corpse – dragons.  Admittedly, not normally metallic dragons, usually more chromatic dragons – but all the same, a giant fire breathing, lightning breathing, whatever breathing beast coming down upon a large populated city is obviously something we try to prevent.   

So, I am going to need you all to go and consult with the thieve’s guild of Neverwinter and help them move their funds to however many set locations need be so that they are not above the set amount.  Your contact is going to be a young halfling by the name of Milo.  He happens to run the thieve’s guild.  However, despite the urgency of this quest – and make no mistake, it is quite urgent – it would be ill fitting of me not to allow you all to go out well equipped.  

This little base of ours happens to be well stocked with all manner of adventuring gear and several experts in their field and craft who will be able to assist you.  If you need better armor or weaponry, then I would suggest heading down to the blacksmith where you can find Alar, who is the armorer and clothing expert.  Morgaran, the blacksmith- or Nissa, who can enchant any of your items with a certain magical effect.  Before I go any farther I feel it needs to be stated that they are still legitimate businesses.  While they are tied to us you do still have to pay them.  And no, there’s not an employee discount.”  

[Arlo]:  “Aw, nuts!”

[Raiann]:  “You get benefits, be quiet!”

[Arlo]: “Do we get dental?”

[Raiann]:  “Mmm, you have to stay with us for about three months before that kicks in, but yes.”

[Arlo]:  “Dang it, my molar has been killing me for weeks.”

[Raiann]:  “Well you’re going to have to go for a few more anyway.”

[Saithe]:  “I think that would be considered a pre-existing condition.”  

[Raiann]:  “I think that counts as-”

[Arlo]:  “DONT BE A NARC”

[Raiann]:  “I think what that counts as is not my problem.  Anyway, if you guys find yourselves in need of something less protecting or stabby, then you can head down to” 

[Jordan]:  “-and she looks visibly upset as these words are about to leave her mouth.  To the point where she’s even pinching her brow very painfully-” 

[Raiann]:  “-the general store, with Rick and Rick.  If I were you I wouldn’t spend too much time down there.  They do potions, items, and all that sort of thing.  They’re also a lot to handle so if you can make it quick, I’d suggest you make it quick.”

[Winterra]: “Hm….”

[Arlo]:  “On a scale of like 1 to saying you’d murder someone on the first day you met ‘em, about how difficult are they?”

[Raiann]:  “Let’s just say, if not for how…effective…they both are as merchants, I’d have either fired or killed them both long ago.”

[Arlo]:  “Alright, that’s going to be an experience.”

[Raiann]:  “You have no idea.  Anyway, if you find yourselves lacking in the knowledge department, you can head on down to the archives.  You’ll find a large collection of books on all manners of topics, including locations, beasts, histories, all that sort.  If you have trouble finding anything, you might want to try consulting Bookworm first.  Be careful though, she’s not really that social.  

And finally, if you find yourselves in need of sustenance before going out, I would suggest heading to the meal hall.  Our chef, Orilo happens to be one of the finest, and ah – if you can’t find him there you can often find him in the archives with Bookworm.  The two are sort of friends.  When you have gotten everything you need and are ready to go, go find Oudart, the plucky young bastard who happened to lead you to me in the first place.  He’s the one who will send you out.  Any questions?”

[Saithe]:  “I have none!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo raises his hand and waits.”  

[Raiann]:  “What.”

[Arlo]:  “So uhm- those flaming nunchucks that you have on the wall-”

[Raiann]:  “GO!!”

[Drew]:  “Alright-”

[Winterra]:  “-Mhm!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so at this point you guys are free to go to any of the aforementioned shops or areas that you would like.  Or you can say fuck it to all of that, give me the middle finger as far as NPC creation and just head on out – what do you wanna do?”

[Caitie]:  “I want to look and see what sort of armor they have.  I’m only wearing leather, so I definitely need something that’s going to bring a little more oomph.”

[Drew]:  “I too could use more protection – and I’m not talking trojans.”

[Caitie]: “Not a sponsor.”  

[Saithe]:  “And maybe some healing items, because a cleric is great and all but-”

[Jordan]:  “Healing items are going to be with Rick and Rick but whichever one you guys want to go to first.  It sounds like you guys need armor more than anything else so-”

[Caitie]:  “-Is either one of them a pickle?”

[Jordan]:  “I will drop you from this podcast so quickly so help me”

[[Players all laughing at DM’s expense]]

[Caitie]: “Haha, additionally not a sponsor.”  

[Drew]:  “Oh!  While we have a down minute – that turtle was a JoJo reference.  I don’t know what to do with that information, but it was for sure a JoJo reference.”

[Caitie]:  “Or an Avatar the last airbender reference (also not a sponsor).”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys make your way down to the blacksmith!”

[[Jaunty medieval music begins playing]]

[Jordan]:  “And as you find your way over there, there are three figures of note as previously mentioned.  The first is a rather flamboyant looking and very brightly dressed elf-seems to be mending some clothing right now.  Next is a small, gruff looking, very focused on his work and looks angry at everything else just by his passing glance dwarf who is hammering away at a sword.  Finally an older female gnome who is working on one of the finished swords, almost like she is inscribing something into it.  They’re all too engrossed in their work to notice you guys so…”

[Drew]:  “Is there like a service bell?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh- sure.”

[Drew]:  “Alright, Arlo walks up and like dings the bell-” 

[Arlo]:  ding ding “Uh- howdy!”

[Jordan]:  All three of them look up at you simultaneously but its the elf who jumps up first and says

[Flamboyant elf]:  “Ah hello there, I don’t believe we’ve met before, are you a new recruit by chance?”

[Arlo]:  “Uh- that I am, and he tips his hat the good Dr. Arlo Agon.”

[Flamboyant elf]:  “Ah – Aelar Beravan – and he also extends his hand out to you for a shake.”

[Drew]:  “I shake his hand”

[Aelar]:  “Ooh, quite a strong grip you have there.  What can I help you all with?”

[Saithe]:  “We are in need of upgrades”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah that”

[Aelar]:  “Well I can certainly see that, that’s some, mmmm course looking armor you have on there.  So what kind of starting budget are we working with here?”

[Saithe]:  “That depends on the quality of your work”

[Aelar]:  “No, the price I offer depends on the quality of my work, how much money you have is dependent on how much money you have”

[Arlo]:  “I’m working with a hard budget of roughly about 250“

[Aelar]:  “Alright, I assume you’re more of a heavy armor person?”

[Drew]:  “Arlo does a little flex and he’s like-”

[Arlo] “You tell me.”

[Aelar]:  “Ooh, definitely…Well, depending on how much of that 250 you want to go off of”

[Jordan] “-and he goes over to a rack of armor, all of which is very elegantly crafted and seems to be very elvish in design so its got a lot of unnecessary patterning to it.  He goes over to two things of armor and says,”

[Aelar]:  “So this is what you can get the most bang for your buck for” and he has a piece of chainmail.  “This will do you adequately well for about 75 gold, or-”

[Jordan]:  “-and he goes over now to another piece of armor that is much heftier and also looks like it weighs a good amount more and says-” 

[Aelar]:  “This, while I admit, is a bit more expensive, about 200 gold, will offer you better protection.”

[Jordan]:  “What it comes down to is he is offering you chainmail or split, a difference of 1 AC.”

[Drew]:  “Hm, can I roll an insight to get a read on this guy to see if he’s like in to Arlo?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh, yeah – go ahead.”

[Drew]:  “Alright! French toast, that’s an 8”

[Jordan]:  “He seems friendly”

[Drew]:  “I- am going to try anyway.  Can I try to do like flirty, get him to knock the price down?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah sure, go nuts”

[Drew]:  “Okay, so in character-” 

[Arlo]  “Ooh, these are real nice but, I mean, they’re so pricey.  I could hurt my, my big bulging muscles.”

[Drew]:  “Which I assume is how you flirt.”

[Jordan]:  “You’re such a natural”

[Drew]:  “Oh shit, that’s a 17”

[Jordan]:  “Fuck, well apparently that is how you flirt”

[Aelar]:  “Ooh, they are rather large.  Hm…”

[Arlo]:  “Yeah, wouldn’t want the goods to get damaged”

[Aelar]:  “No, no we wouldn’t”

[Drew]:  “Oh god, why”

[Caitie]:  “Saithe slowly backs away from the counter, just inching away from this situation”

[Aelar]:  “How about 150?”

[Arlo]:  “Well I do thank you quite kindly.”

[Drew]:  “And Arlo buys the splint mail.”

[Jordan]:  “So as he hands it to you he makes for a caress on your arm as he passes it off.”

[[Players awkwardly laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “It’s called love dont be hateful”

[Drew]:  “I didn’t say it was love, Arlo was just trying to get a deal”

[[All laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Was I talking about you?”


[Jordan]:  “By this point the other two have noticed all this tomfoolery and fuckery and the gnome walks over and is like-” 

[Female gnome]:  “Oh hi!  Sorry, we didn’t even notice…you…so nice of our coworker to MENTION IT.”  And she kind of nudges Aelar in the thigh, I guess would be about where she comes up to.  And she extends a hand, “The name’s Nissa, Nissa Silveraxe.  My husband over there is the one on the forge.”

[Saithe]:  “Well hello there!”

[Nissa]:  “Pleasure to meet you.  Is there anything we can help you with?”

[Saithe]:  “Well that depends.  I would just like to upgrade my leather armor a little bit.  Do you have any extra studs that I could use?”

[Jordan]:  “Aelar speaks up-”

[Aelar]:  “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid all of the clothing and armor based things go through me.  Fortunately we do still happen to have some.  Let me show you what we have!”

[Jordan]:  “And he pulls out some studded leather armor, again it’s very extra.  Like it’s still good armor but he focuses on the aesthetics of it more than anything else.  This will run you roughly 45 gold.”

[Saithe]:  “Ehhhhh – I’m looking for something a little less gaudy.”

[Winterra]:  Terra pipes in and she’s like, “That looks perfect!”

[Aelar]:  “For you or her?”

[Winterra]:  “Me.”

[Aelar]:  “45 gold then”

[Christina]:  “She hands it over”

[Aelar]:  He turns back kind of like, upset almost at Saithe.  “Well, if you’re looking for something less gaudy, I’m afraid you’ll have to go to a more casual artisan.  Everything I have is made the finest of elvish class.  There’s nothing here you won’t find that doesn’t have my signature on it.”

[Dwarf]:  And the dwarf speaks up, “I could rough it up a bit if you want”

[Saithe]:  “Actually, that’s a great idea, let’s do that!” And she hands over 45 gold to the guy(Aelar) and brings over her new studded leather armor to the other gentleman.  

[Jordan]:  “Aelar is visibly disgusted with you” 

[Caitie]:  “I am not here to make friends”

[Jordan]:  “Clearly”

[Jordan]  “So yeah, Morgran roughs it up a little bit and as a finishing touch he spits on it before he hands it back.” 

[Saithe]:  “It’s perfect”

[Morgran]:  “That one’s on the house little lady” and he gives a spiteful glance over at Aelar who sticks his tongue back out at the dwarf. 

[Saithe]:  “Thank you kindly”

[Nissa]:  Nissa gets inbetween them and says desperately “Will you two please behave for the love of whatever gods it is that are listening right now.  Look- I’m sorry about the way they are behaving this is…more common than I’d like it to be.  But if you need any of these things, or anything else you’d happen to have enchanted I could help out with that.  I spent a good amount of time studying as an artificer. So I can imbue magical properties into your new armor or any weapons you may have if that is what you are interested in.”

[Saithe]:  “That would be wonderful!  What sort of enchantments could you put on my bow?”

[Nissa]:  “Depends on what you’re- usually the stronger the magical effect I put on there, the more I have to charge unfortunately.  But what do you want it to do?  Do you want it to be more accurate when you aim, do you want it to be stronger, like what are you looking for?”

[Saithe]:  “I’d like something with more accuracy and more damage.”

[Nissa]:  “Hm, let’s see.  So I’m not sure how familiar you are with the spell, but I could imbue “hunter’s mark” into it.  You’d be able to track any foe that you hit with the shot and it would be a little bit stronger.”

[Saithe]:  “That would be wonderful.  How much would that cost?”

[Nissa]:  “Well since this is classified as a first level spell, it would cost you roughly 100 gold.”  

[Saithe]:  “I can do that, let’s do it!”

[Nissa]:  “Alright, may I see your weapon please?”

[Saithe]:  “Yes!”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, so she takes your – did you say it was a bow or a crossbow?”

[Caitie]:  “Oh shii- I have a… a hand crossbow.”

[Jordan]:  Okay, so she takes that and starts to infuse it – it takes a little bit of time, it’s not quite as easy as just pulling something off the shelf.  But she does manage to do that.  So the way this is going to work is that once per, we will say long or short rest you’ll be able to cast hunter’s mark.”

[Drew]:  “Is there a command phrase she has to speak to get the hunters mark to start up?”

[Jordan]:  “Uh-I don’t know if there is one, but we will say yes because that’s more fun!”

[Drew]:  “Like, ‘hunters mark, fuck that guy!’”

[Caitie]:  “Jeesus”

[Caitie]:  “Does it have any extra proficiency or anything?”

[Jordan]:  “Nope!”

[[Hunter’s Mark Spell Language:  You choose a creature you can see within range and mystically mark it as your quarry. Until the spell ends, you deal an extra 1d6 damage to the target whenever you hit it with a weapon Attack, and you have advantage on any Wisdom (Perception) or Wisdom (Survival) check you make to find it. If the target drops to 0 Hit Points before this spell ends, you can use a Bonus Action on a subsequent turn of yours to mark a new creature.]]

[Jordan]:  “Did anyone else need anything from here or are we moving on to find out what the Ricks are about?”

[Drew]:  “First, once Arlo hears about there being like enchantments and such he goes to his go to and raises his hand and waits.”  

[Nissa]:  “Yes, Mr- sorry I don’t think I ever caught your name?”

[Arlo]:  “Oh ah-” he puts his hand down and tips his hat again.  “The good doctor Arlo Agon, nice to meet ‘cha.  I heard you did enchantments and I did notice a rather fetching pair of flaming nunchucks over there on the uh-the boss lady’s wall.  Could you do something like that for my old man’s warhammer?”

[Nissa]:  “Well, I’m not going to lie, the nunchucks you mentioned from Ms. Delmarev’s room is quite a powerful enchantment.  I can’t do anything quite like that.  However, I do have something similar.  I could have it so that you could potentially, maybe not on your hammer, but maybe your shield would be able to do this- what if you could harm an opponent with fire after they’ve attacked you?

And have your shield be a rebuking spell?”

[Arlo]:  “I’m going to tell you right now – and he claps a hand on her shoulder- that is the coolest shit I’ve ever heard.”

[Nissa]:  “Hah- I try and impress.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, so in this case, in case it wasn’t super obvious – what I’m offering you is that I can put hellish rebuke on a shield.”

[Caitie]:  “I have hellish rebuke!”

[Drew]:  “That sounds cool as fuck.  Oh yeah, you’re a tiefling so you get auto hellish rebuke.”

[Jordan]:  “It would work the same way as being a once per long/short rest.  And it would also be 100 gold.”

[Drew]:  “I don’t think I should push my luck and try to make another flirt check, especially with the woman’s husband like 10 feet away weilding a smithing forge”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, I’ll tell you right now, that one ain’t going to fly!  The best you could hope for is a nat 20 where she doesn’t ask you to leave”

[Drew]:  “I’ll pay full price, because that sounds cool as shit.”

[Jordan]:  “A’ight, so she will take your shield and again, takes a little bit of time but she does manage to get hellish rebuke on there.  Once again, once per short/long rest.”

[Arlo]: I kind of wave the shield around and go “Heya, hiya, he, ho karate, taekwondo”

[Jordan]:  “So Nissa then turns over to Winterra-”

[Nissa]:  “Well, while I am enchanting everyone’s stuff, did you have something you wanted?”

[Winterra]:  She kind of thinks for a second and she looks at the scimitar that she keeps on her back and is like, “Those sound cool, but I don’t know what I would want.”  

[Nissa]:  “That’s fair! Well my services are always available so if you ever change your mind I’m here to help!”

[Winterra]:  “Sounds good!”  

[Nissa]:  “You all take care now!”

[Winterra]:  “You too!”

[Jordan]:  “So you guys head off from there.  I’m guessing you go to the general store now?”

[Drew]:  “Sounds like a plan”

[Jordan]:  “Cool cool.  So as you guys head over to the store, you notice it is quite different from what you just experienced, which was admittedly already kind of crazy.  The store, just on the outside has a lot of growth coming out around it.  Like it looks like there’s just seaweed and algae just everywhere.  And even when you look inside, the place looks…wet.  You’re basically walking into a swamp at this point.”  

[Christina]:  “Hm!”

[Jordan]:  “And as you walk in, you see a human wearing the most elaborate outfit ever.  Not quite as gaudy as what Aelar was wearing, but more gentlemanly attire.  Got like a nice suit with coattails, a tall top hat a very thin pencil mustache.  And as he sees you he has the biggest smile on his face as he exclaims,-”


[Jordan]:  “And then, from behind the counter pops out this little also humanoid looking thing but this one looks more like a raven without wings and then with arms and legs.  Also in a little suit, cut for itself.  And it says,-”

[Small humanoid raven]:  “AND I’M LITTLE RICK.”  

[Jordan]:  “And they just look as happy as can be at you guys.  What do you do?”

[Christina]:  “You said that we’re in what appears like a swamp?  Like it looks like a swamp or is humid like a swamp?”

[Jordan]:  “It is humid like a swamp and there is growth EVERYWHERE.  You might feel oddly at home Winterra.”

[Christina]:  “Yeah, I was about to say Terra feels at home and she is looking around and says-”

[Winterra]:  “You two don’t fit in with this atmosphere.”

[Rick]:  “We get that a lot.”

[Saithe]:  “What’s with all of the algae?” 

[Rick]:  “I’m glad you asked creepy little child!  As I mentioned my business is Rick Slavenly’s Corporeal Oozes.  That’s because-” and he pulls out this giant jar and just slaps it on the counter and inside you can see this sort of tannish wriggling mass- “not only do I excel in the business of potions, I also happen to care for my own precious little ooze babies here.  And, for a price, I’m even willing to sell them out to you for use in the field of battle”  

[Drew]:  “Can I out of character, Jordan, just I will pay you any amount of money to never say “ooze babies” ever again.”

[Caitie]:  “YES please never say it ever again”

[Jordan]:  “I can tell you two things for absolute certainty.  One, I can promise you nothing.  Two, there is no number high enough.”

[Drew]:  “Oh no”

[Caitie]:  “I literally cannot with what you just said”

[Jordan]:  “Get over it”

[Caitie]:  “I just shivered down my spine, just all the way down”

[Rick] “So how can I help you fine folks?”

[Saithe]:  “So how do your ooze babies work?”

[Jordan]: “HAH” 

[Drew]: “oh no”

[Rick]:  “Well it’s quite simple, you see I bred them all from a rather young age, and I raised them so that they will obey whoever it is that first opens the jar.  There’s a process where I had to sort of…acclimate them to whoever it is that purchases them,  but they will do battle for you.  Now obviously the more powerful the ooze the more expensive it is, but I assure you each one is as ferocious in battle as the last.  And as I said I do also sell potions.”

[Saithe]:  “How much for healing potions, and for your ooze babies?”

[Rick]:  “Well, in both cases, it is going to depend on the potency.”

[Arlo, uncomfortably]: “Mmmmmmm”

[Jordan]:  “Oh I am going to enjoy Rick Slavenly, I can tell.”

[Caitie]:  “Gritting- I am gritting my teeth right now”

[Drew]:  “In character, that was Arlo’s noise just, Ohnooooooo”

[Caitie]:  “I am HATING every second of this”

[Jordan]:  “You are making it worse by going along with it”

[Caitie]:  “I KNOW, what am I thinking”

[Rick]:  “Well for a standard healing potion, that will run you about 50 gold per.  If you wanted something more along the lines of injuring someone, then I could do poison for about 100 and the antitoxins for them for about 50.  I also have a couple of other fun ones! A potion of growth will net you about 100 as well as a potion of resistance.  Now, as far as the oozes go- I’m afraid the cheapest one I have is about 100, that is for a gray ooze.”

[Jordan]:  “And just for some out of character context, a gray ooze is a challenge rating ½.  So it is not like a terribly strong creature, but it is still an extra creature that will fight for you.”

[Christina]:  “Mmkay”

[Winterra]:  Terra will fish for her gold and be like, “Can I have two potions of healing, just standard potions”

[Rick]:  “Why certainly!”  And he hands you two vials and as he does he goes “these ones are fresh, just milked this morning!”  

[Winterra]:  concerned, quietly “Please never say that again to me”

[Rick]:  “Just letting you know how fresh they are!”

[Saithe]:  “I will also take two healing potions.”

[Rick]:  “Very well, here you go!”

[Drew]:  “Arlo goes to his trademark hand raise,but this one a halfhearted hand raise, like just at the elbow and murmurs concernedly”

[Jordan]:  “Both Rick Slavenly and the small bird creature that has addressed himself as ‘Little Rick’ both point to you and say,-”

[Rick & Lil Rick]:  “YES!?”

[Arlo]:  “Uh, so when you say ‘milked’ these health potions of yours, you mean milked from an ooze monster…?”

[Rick]:  “Why of course, what else would I mean?”

[Arlo]:  “…”

[Arlo]:  “I’m gonna go with a hard pass on that one partner but uh, I’ll be seeing you ‘round.”

[Jordan]:  “Little Rick actually speaks up and says,-”

[Lil Rick]:  “If you want, I have magic items”

[Arlo]:  “Are they ooze related?”

[Lil Rick]:  “No!”

[Arlo]:  “I am listening.”

[Lil Rick]:  “I have magic items!”

[Arlo]:  “What sort of magic items do you have?”

[Jordan]:  “So little Rick looks over to Rick Slavenly and Rick actually starts-”

[Rick] “I’m sorry, you’ll have to forgive him.  How familiar are you all with ‘Kenkus?’”

[Drew]:  “Should we roll a dice?”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah, I’ll say that its a nature check”

[Drew]:  “Hey, not bad- that’s a 15”

[Christina]:  “Uh-18”

[Caitie]:  “…6”

[Jordan]:  “Alright Saithe, you don’t know shit about Kenkus, that’s a fun new word you just learned. As for Arlo and Winterra, you guys know that Kenku are sort of like flightless Aarakocra, which are bird people.  The main exception to which being that they are incapable of their own speech, they can only mimic sounds.  So if you ever come across a kenku that is mimicking entire sentences,  it is a sentence it has learned from someone else which is exactly why he sounds like Rick Slavenly, right down to the weird speech patterns.”

[Terra]:  “Mmmmm”

[Jordan]:  “They also are incapable of independent thought so to speak-well that’s not right, it’s more that they lack ingenuity.  They can’t come up with their own ideas so they are usually great for simple tasks and stuff like that.  And also that they do not have wings, but that many of them crave flight.  That is what you two would know about kenkus.”  

[Christina]:  “Gotcha”

[Drew]:  “Can I clarify that like, Rick Slavenly, at some point in his life came upon a kenku, and realized that he could make it sound exactly like him and he was like, ‘Yes there needs to be more of this.  My voice.’”

[Christina]:  “Why not!”

[Jordan]:  “Are you implying you have not been enjoying the dulcet tones that has been Rick Slavenly?”

[Caitie]:  “Fuck you”

[Drew]:  “It makes me so uncomfortable”

[Jordan]:  “Good, I will enjoy this power and abuse it well.”

[Drew]:  “Oh God”

[Rick]:  “So, when he says he has magic items, he can’t really go over the specifics of them.  However, I would be more than happy to go over them with you.  On top of the general nonmagical items he always keeps in stock, he also has a few other things.”

[Jordan]:  “And because I don’t feel like keeping this up forever, I would just say what he has, out of character.

Uh, so he has…well first of all, how much gold do y’all have left?”

[Drew]: “I have 50 gold dawg.”

[Jordan]:  “Hm, okay, doesn’t matter to you”

[Christina]:  “I have 155 gold left.

[Caitie]:  “65”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so, Winterra this is pretty much all for you.  The rest of y’all are too broke.     

Um, so of what he has that you can afford, he has a ring of swimming, which gives you a swimming speed I believe equal to 40? Ah, yes, 40 swimming speed.”  

[Christina]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]:  “An alchemy jug, which is a fun little item that can be used to create various liquids of specifics-”

[Drew]: very excitedly “Alchemyyyyyy juuuug”

[[interrupting laughter]]

[Jordan]:  “-specific sizes”

[Drew]:  “ALCHEMY JUG”

[Christina]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]:  “Including acid, basic poison, beer, honey, mayonnaise, oil, vinegar, freshwater, saltwater, and wine.”

[Christina]:  “Yep”

[Drew]: “Christina please!”

[[all laughing]]

[Jordan]:  “Hold on, hold on, there are two other options.  There is also the eversmoking bottle, which can be used to create a, uh 60 foot radius smokescreen. There’s other attributes to it but I will only go over that if you care enough.  And then he has 1st level spell scrolls of various ones, in order to know which ones I would need you to roll for it.”

[Christina]:  “Okay gotcha. Um…”

[Jordan]:  “Unless you just want to beeline it for that alchemy jug that Andrew so desperately craves.”  

-Christina laughs-

[Drew]: “Please!!!”

[Christina]:  “So, alchemy jugs you can use more than once right?  It’s not like a time limit but then the other thing, the smokescreen thing is that like a one time use item?”

[Jordan]:  “Oh no, it’s a fully magical item so it does, that’s why it’s the eversmoking bottle, it refills constantly.”

[Christina]:  “Mmm, okay”

[Jordan]:  “So both have more than one use.”

[Drew]:  “Jug, jug, jug, jug, jug, jug, jug, jug!”

[Christina]:  “Is- is” -laughter- “is Agon in the background going ‘jug, jug, jug, jug?’”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, he – I’m going to say that like Agon is kinda like, he’s not going like ‘jug, jug, jug, jug, jug’ but he’s kinda looking at it with desire in his eyes”


“And he looks at, he does that thing that we’ve all done before where he is looking at something and you go ‘Oooh’ and you look at how much money you have left and then you go ‘fuuuck.’”

[[all laugh]]

[Jordan]:  “Weird, I thought Agon would have just been eyeing the door”

[Drew]:  “Yeah, but alchemy jug though”

[Christina]:  “He has some kind of want in his heart for the alchemy jug”

[Jordan]:  “I think the heart is named Andrew”

[Drew]:  “I love that item so much it’s so ridiculous!”

[Jordan]:  “It is pretty great!”

[Christina]:  “Um so, from Terra’s perspective she is genuinely and honestly intrigued by an alchemy jug, like when it is explained to her and she’s like,-”

[Winterra]:  “what is…mayo?”

[Rick]:  “I’d love to show you!”

[Jordan]:  “And so he grabs the jug and produces – hold on let me see exactly how much you can make- produces two metric gallons of mayonnaise and slaps that shit onto the floor.”

[Caitie]:  “Oh lord almighty”

[Christina]:  “He just slaps it on the floor??”

[Rick]:  “That’s mayo!”

[Arlo]:  “I am no longer having a fun time.”

[Caitie]:  “There’s just so much wrong…about all of this!”


[Jordan]:  “Yeah, it’s almost like the warning you guys received earlier about the Ricks was coming from somewhere, like a place of earnest regret.”

[Christina]:  “She is eyeing it…apprehensively.  Like just because he just threw it on the floor! And she’s like,-”

[Winterra]:  “So…are people supposed to…eat it?”


[Winterra]: “Oh”

[Saithe]:  “I don’t think we need that”

[Winterra]:  “Does it do anything else?”

[Rick]:  “It makes other things!”

[Winterra]:  “Oh!… Are the other things better than whatever *that* is?”  

[Rick]:  “I have no reason to believe otherwise!”

[Winterra]:  “Gotcha.  That sounds useful.  I guess I would like to know how much is the alchemy jug?”

[Rick]:  “100 gold pieces!”

[Winterra]:  “Hm…” She thinks about it for a second.  “Okay.  That-that sounds reasonable.”

[Rick]:  “Very well! Enjoy your jug!”

[Jordan]:  “And he hands it over for the 100 gold.”

[Winterra]:  “I would like to leave.  This is ‘at home’ but I do not feel ‘at home’ anymore.”

[Rick]:  “Alright, feel free to come again!”   And they both wave as you guys I imagine hurriedly run out the door.

[Arlo]:  “I feel as though I will have to come back here but I am not thrilled about that subject”

[[Jordan snickers]]

[Saithe]:  “That was a horrifying experience!”

[Winterra]:  “I understand the warnings”

[More snickers from Jordan]]

[Arlo]:  “I too understand the warnings”

[Jordan]:  “So that leaves you guys with the archives, the meal hall, or just fucking peacin out and going to Neverwinter.”

[Caitie]:  “I mean, is there anything specifically we need to know?”

[Drew]:  “I don’t know, you said there was a character named ‘Bookworm’ in the archives and that sounds adorable, and I kind of want to see that.”

[Caitie]:  “Fair enough”

[Jordan]:  “I mean there’s nothing wrong with going just to see my wonderful NPCs who are all equally wonderful in every way.”

[Caitie]:  “I’m down for it, let’s go meet Bookworm.”

[Jordan]:  “You didn’t deny it, that means you love Rick Slavenly.”


[Caitie]:  “Ugggggh”

[Drew]:  “No!”

[Jordan]:  “As you guys make your way over towards the archives, as was mentioned by Ms. Delmirev, there are in fact A LOT of books.  Like think ‘Beauty and the Beast’ library level of books as a SECTION.  There’s ALOTTA books.  And as you guys kind of wander around a little bit you do find this main desk where there are two prominent figures.  One is – Winterra you’d probably be the one to recognize this creature better, it’s a forest dwelling creature known as a firbolg.”

[Christina]:  “Oh”

[Jordan]:  “It’s a particularly young looking one, she’s -it’s a young lady- and she’s speaking with a goliath that appears to have like an apron on around it.  And from what you can tell the two are just chatting it up.  They’re the only people of real note that you see that aren’t like reading.”

[Christina]:  “They’re the only two people in this library…I guess we’ll go up and ask if either of them is the people we were looking for in the library.”

[Jordan]:  “A’ight, how do you ask them?”

[Winterra]:  I guess I’ll just say, “We were looking for someone named ‘Bookworm.’ We were told that she might be down here.”

[Jordan]:  “As you say that you notice that the firbolg’s ears perk up and she actually looks over at you and then points to herself.”

[Winterra]:  “Oh, you’re Bookworm!”

[Bookworm]: Nods

[Jordan]:  “The goliath kind of speaks up in a deep voice,-” 

[Goliath]:  “Oh sorry, you’ll have to forgive her – Bookworm is actually a mute here.  So if any of you are capable of speaking sign language then you might be able to pick up few of her words.”

[Jordan]:  “So I realize there is no realistic way to test any of this since that’s not an inherrent language that you can normally know in DnD.  But if any of you guys can give me a logical reason why you might be able to know sign language, I will let you communicate with Bookworm.”

[Caitie]:  “I know thieve’s cant which is basically like hand gestures, like you know move forward, stop, etc – to speak quietly when going on the offensive.”

[Jordan]:  “Uhm, why don’t you roll for it?”

[Caitie]:  “Okay, uhhh-”

[Jordan]:  “-we’ll be fair about this, let the dice decide-”

[Caitie]: “-do I-”

[Jordan]:  “-just raw roll, or actually no, history-”

[Caitie]: “15 and 2 is 17”

[Jordan]:  “Okay!  I’ll say with a 17 that the way that you learn thieves cant was by originally picking up some basic sign language and then having that be translated over to it, that was how you started picking it up so I’ll say that you can communicate with Bookworm.”

[Caitie]:  “Wooooo!”

[Jordan]:  “Anyone else want to try and get in-”

[Drew]:  “-hey, if you’ll allow me I’d like to try and roll.  Because Arlo’s a doctor which does not necessarily entail sign language but also I feel like if there was someone who would have learned sign language during a four year period it would be someone that was getting a doctorate program.  Like a side class he took or some shit.”

[Jordan]:  “Mmm..yeah I could see the doctor angle.  Alright, I’ll -go ahead and roll for that one.”

[Drew]:  “12”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, um…you can pick up like bits and pieces, like not as well as Saithe can but like you are capable of picking up like what she’s saying.  You may not be able to reply back as easily.”

[Drew]:  “Kind of like how we both took Japanese but don’t really speak it that much but both still sort of do?”

[Jordan]:  “We don’t need to talk about that”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Christina]:  “As for Winterra I can’t necessarily think of a good reason to even know sign language, coming from a forest.  The best I could think of she would know like small tactical movements, but that’s more like animal related in that she would be able to read body language really well.  But that wouldn’t necessarily translate into like sign language.”

[Jordan]:  “Yeah sign language is a bit more orderly than that”

[Christina]:  “Yeah.  She would maybe be able to pick up on how this girl is like necessarily like feeling, as far as her active signing is going, but other than that I doubt she would be able to communicate.”

[Jordan]:  “You know what, I’ll even let you get away with that one.  That’s just reading body language that has nothing to do with sign language.  I’ll say you have a better chance of being able to read emotions, especially since she’s a forest dwelling creature so- I’ll give you that one on the house but yeah no, I don’t think there’s a way to justify Winterra knowing sign language.”

[Christina]:  “No, yeah.  Not like knowing it. Definitely not.”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so as you do that, you guys actually do see Bookworm start doing some hand signs.  And Arlo, I’m gonna need you to roll an intelligence check to see if you can just pick up on what she’s saying.”

[Drew]:  “And that is…another 12!”

[Jordan]:  “So you kind of get the basic jist of it, like she’s just introducing herself.  Saithe, you understand entirely what she’s saying which is that she’s introducing herself as Bookworm and that she is not the official head archivist but that she does frequent enough around here that she can help you guys find any books if you guys need it.”

[Saithe]:  “Okay”

[Jordan]:  “Arlo- all you really got out of that is that she’s Bookworm and she’s in the library a lot.”

[Saithe]:  “Saithe introduces everybody.  She basically says that Winterra is a wild-child, like she doesn’t call them by their names.  She says wild child and doctor.  And she herself, she spells her name out, obviously.  Although she has a hand sign for herself.  And then she uh…she asks if she has anything on the thieves guild?”

[Bookworm]:  Bookworm thinks about it for a little bit and then she 

asks you which one?

[Saithe]:  signs Uh- Neverwinter

[Bookworm]:  She pulls up a hand and starts doing some sort of magic and a small flower comes up and it grows in a specific direction sort of like pointing.  And you gather that that is where it would likely show up.  And she signs out the specific section number and all that stuff.

[Saithe]:  And she thanks her and promises that they will keep returning to the library.

[Bookworm]:  Blushes and hides behind a book.  

[Jordan]:  “Orilo puts his hand on your should and says,-”

[Orilo]:  “For the record, she’s only mute.  She’s not deaf.  She can hear you.”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  Eh…that’s fair…my apologies!  I used to sign a lot when I was young! Being able to do it again makes me quite happy!”

[Bookworm]: Buries her head deeper into the book.  

[Orilo]:  Orilo lets out a large laugh and is like, “She’s quite shy, you’ll have to forgive her for that one.  She’s a very sweet girl.”

[Saithe]:  “Also, in all fairness, I can’t exactly lower the volume of my voice.  I figured that signing might be a little bit more…uh…polite than me shouting in the library.”

[Orilo]:  “Fair enough.  When you’re all done here if you’d like a meal before you head on out on your job, I assume you are new employees here-you can find me in the meal hall.  I happen to be the chef.  The name is Orilo-”

[Saithe]:  “-thank you Oreo!”

[Orilo]:  “-No, Orilo.”

[Saithe]:  “That’s what I said!”

[Jordan]:  “Orilo deeply sighs.  He turns to the two of you and says,-” 

[Orilo]:  “Please don’t let her be like this.  Try and keep an eye on her.”

[Arlo]:  “I gotta break it to you, I fully have no control over her, she’s ah- kind of a free radical if you will.”

[Orilo]:  “Ugh.  Fair enough.  Well, I should be getting back to my post.  Again, if you all feel peckish before heading out I would be more than happy to fill your bellies. Until then, best of luck on your mission.”

[Saithe]:  “Fairest of wells.”

[Jordan]:  And so he heads off!  As you guys look into the book you really just find like basic history on it.  You know that Neverwinter was one of the first official theive’s guilds to be formed.  It’s not one of-before the bureaucracy of the modern world came to be thieves guilds were obviously something that was not looking upon very positively but rather was something that was kept in the shadows.   

But nowadays they are full public knowledge and heavily monitored as are all guilds and Neverwinter kind of stood as the forefront of how a thieves guild was intended to be in the new modern era.  It was intended to be sort of like an equalizer, to make sure that certain entities didn’t get too wealthy or too powerful and keep the economy flowing well.  And for the most part it did manage to maintain its status as the ideal for the thieves guilds of the rest of the world to strive to.  

So the fact that they would shirk off such an important responsibility as not hoarding all their treasure in one place seems odd.  That’s the only thing of note that you find on them, otherwise it’s just like past leaders, and it does confirm that the current leader is a halfling named Milo.  It does also list his second in command, who is a wood elf named Elema.  So that just leaves you guys getting a meal, or heading off!”

[Caitie]:  “Let’s do it”

[Christina]:  “I guess so!”

[Jordan]:  “A’ight!  So you guys decide to head over to the dispatch area where you find a familiar uppity young boy, just kind of floating around.  He sees you come up and he goes,-”

[Oudart]: “Oh hey!  You guys are back! So!  How was she?”

[Saithe]:  “Adorable”

[Oudart]: “Are we talking about the same person?”

[Saithe]:  “Oh!  You mean the boss lady!”

[Oudart]:  “Well yeah, who else would I mean?”

[Arlo]:  “We did meet a lot of people today.”

[Saithe]:  parroting “We met a lot of people today”

[Oudart]:  “Fair enough!  So where are you guys headin’?”

[Saithe]:  “Neverwinter!”

[Oudart]: “Awesome!”

[Jordan]:  “And he points to a teleportation circle and you guys notice that there’s actually A LOT of teleportation circles.  But, he points to one in particular.”

[Oudart]:  “Alright!  That’s where you’re going!”  

[Arlo]:  “Just into that there circle there?  Just right there?”

[Oudart]:  “Yuup!  Kinda how like you guys entered the turtle!”

[Winterra]:  “That was strange, but okay.”

[Oudart]:  “Get used to it!”

[Saithe]:  “Please, don’t say it like that!”

[Oudart]:  “Did you guys go to the general store?”

[Saithe]:  “I don’t wanna talk about it!”

[Oudart]:  “Okay, then you’ve heard worse than what I just said.  Get on the damn circle.”

[Arlo]:  “We have agreed to never speak of the general store again.”

[Oudart]:  “Ehh, good luck with that one, he’s kind of unavoidable.”

[Saithe]:  “Fair enough.  Let’s do this!”

[Jordan]:  “Okay, so you guys all walk over to the teleportation circle.  Oudart does a couple of weird incantations and movements with his hands and a bright light encompasses all of you.  And this is where we shall pause our story for now.” 

[Caitie]:  “Wooo!”

[Drew]:  “Yay!”

[Jordan]:  “Thank you all so much for joining us on the first installment of “Agents of DAMNED”  we will be posting our next episode two weeks from now, but if you want to find out what’s going on a little bit sooner than that you can head on over to our patreon, same name – Agents of DAMNED and we’ll post the episode a week early, along with our special aftershow.  Get both of those there, we don’t have any other goals to meet just yet but if we can get some traction going with the show then the sky’s the limit, who knows what else we got!”

Uhm, for anyone who happens to live in the Charlotte area, and has a bit of a sweet tooth check out “Just Cheesecakes by Tina Rose” you can find that on facebook.  It’s a little pastry shop that specializes in cheesecakes.  Pretty good stuff, I’ve eaten from there before, really really tasty, so you know if you’re in the Charlotte area then check that out!  

Also, if you find yourself in need of a graphic artist or graphic designer, then check out Black Feather Graphics.  They are the ones who helped us out with our own logo, which you can find on our patreon, facebook, all the other social media stuff.  I brought my basic ass design to them, and after kicking me off and taking 20-30 minutes they made it look AMAZING.  But again, if you need any help with logos, anything like that just go to  Check out what they got, it’s really really good stuff.  Do you guys have anything to plug?

[Caitie]:  “Not at the very moment no.”

[Drew]:  “Oh, I will plug kinetic concepts fitness.  Personal training service operating out of Charlotte, you can look up their instagram at @kineticconceptsclt and you know, real good scientifically based training, tailored up to exactly what you’re looking for.  Anything from just trying to get back into shape or if you’re trying to lose weight and gain muscle, even things as far as functionality issues they’ll work with you with.  And their trainer is just like obscenely handsome.  Just like the handsomest man you’ve ever seen.”  

[Caitie]:  “Oh my god”

[Jordan]:  “Heard he’s kind of a dick”

[Drew]:  “Uhm, I heard fuck you”

[[Drew laughs]]

[Drew]:  “I- I am the trainer.”

[Jordan]:  “Alright, I guess that’s going to do it for us this week.  Catch you all next time!  Bye!”

[Christina]:  “Byeeee!”

[Drew]:  “Huzzah!”

[Christina]:  “Bye!”

[Drew]:  “Bye!”                      

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